


A Braid of Bamboo and Steel

by sqbr



Category: Hakuouki
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Trans, Canon-Typical Disturbing Themes, Canon-Typical Violence, Drama & Romance, F/M, Fanfiction, Getting Together, Happy Ending, M/M, Other, Sibling Bonding, casual transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-13
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2019-07-11 16:36:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 85,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15976223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sqbr/pseuds/sqbr
Summary: Nagumo Chizuru escapes her demon captors, and Yukimura Kaoru finds himself the prisoner of the Shinsengumi. They're both determined to be reunited, but the reunion isn't quite what they expected.An AU where Kaoru and Chizuru have swapped bodies and backstories but not genders.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For a somewhat spoilery breakdown of background pairings/possible triggers/gender stuff, see the [end notes](https://archiveofourown.org/chapters/38321489#work_endnotes).

There was a man on the path. He looked to be a bit older than Chizuru, but was moderately handsome, with tanned skin and wavy hair, and she was quite sure she'd never seen him before in her life. He was nicely dressed, with fine looking swords on his hip, but there was dirt on his face and the edge of his kimono was ragged. What was he doing here? This path was the only way down the mountain, surrounded on either side by high cliffs and sharp rocks, and there were only a few hours of daylight left in which to safely navigate it. 

Chizuru felt her heart speed up and had to hold onto the cliff next to her stop her knees from buckling. Was he an intruder? Should she warn someone? She felt a wave of resentment at the idea of losing her one chance of escape because of her own soft heartedness, and for a moment enjoyed the idea of the villagers being stabbed in their beds, cheerfully imagining the look of horror on Lord Nagumo's face as this stranger's sword went for his heart. But she wasn't sure she actually had it in her to stand by and do nothing if this man was a real threat to the village. He certainly looked like he could be dangerous, watching the road with narrowed and wary eyes. She stepped back a little further behind the cliff and tried not to hyperventilate.

"You might as well come out," said the man, with a voice that managed to be be both quiet and commanding. "I won't hurt you."

She'd heard _that_ before. But between a strange man who might hurt her, and a 'family' who definitely would, he was the less risky proposition. So she stepped forward, hand trembling on the hilt of her sword.

The moment the man saw Chizuru his expression changed, slipping into a friendly, flirtatious smile that might have come across as natural if she hadn't seen his wary expression moments before. "Good evening," he said. "What's a young girl like you doing out alone at night?"

"I...I live here," she said, voice weak. "What are you doing here? Who are you?"

"You may call me Saitani Umetaro," he said, bowing his head and staying seated. "I am merely a passing traveler who became injured on the road. I don't suppose you could offer me some assistance?" He shifted his kimono to reveal his leg and she saw that his calf was wrapped in a rough bandage and dotted with dark splotches of blood. That didn't explain why he was lurking around the village, it was deliberately out of the way of any common travel routes, but still made her feel much less nervous. Even _she_ could handle an injured human. Unless he was only pretending to be injured so she'd let her guard down?

"I'm sorry, I don't have any medical knowledge," she said. "And I, um. Don't think the other people in the village would be very helpful. They're not friendly to outsiders. But I'll help you if I can." 

His smile grew a little wider, and felt more sincere. "That would explain why they shot at me," he said. "I'm glad you've chosen to be more welcoming than your friends." The fact he was still alive must mean that whoever shot him hadn't realised he was an intruder, but had just loosed an arrow at noises in the forest. The Nagumo had a "kill first, ask questions later" attitude to humans.

"They're not my friends," she muttered under her breath. "I'm sorry they shot you. What can I do to help?" If he was not a friend to the Nagumo, did that mean he could be an ally to her? 

"I've already bandaged the wound," he said, "But a crutch would be useful, some sort of long stick I can lean on." He flashed her a smile. "Or you could help me walk down the mountain, if you have no other plans."

The sensible thing to do would be to just leave him here. He was a liability, and a possible danger. But he was also the first person who'd been nice to her in a very long time, and she could hardly leave him to die. And if this Saitani could really be an ally...the thought of having someone she could rely on to actually _help_ her was so enticing it made her heart ache. She reminded herself to be cautious.

"My plan for the afternoon was to walk down the mountain," she said. "You can lean on me if you like."

"Saved by a pretty mountain girl! This day is going better than I expected," said Saitani. She blushed. She wasn't feeling very pretty, having dressed simply and not put on any makeup. She reminded herself that he was probably just trying to make sure she kept helping him. But it was hard not feel a little flattered by the way he smiled at her. 

She helped him up, and he rested his hand on her shoulder, though she suspected he wasn't putting his whole weight on her out of a misguided sense of chivalry. Now that Saitani was standing, he towered over her, and it belatedly occurred to Chizuru that helping him walk would require extended close proximity to a strange man. What if he tried to harass her? She could probably overpower him but it would still be awful, and what would she do after that? _Leave him to be found by whoever walks this way next_ , she thought to herself, and felt better for having a plan, harsh as it was. 

"What's your name, rescuing maiden?" asked Saitani. His tone was light, and while mildly flirtatious, didn't have that pressuring sliminess she had learned to be afraid of. Hopefully they could both make it down the mountain untroubled. 

"Nagumo Chizuru," said Chizuru. "Why were you visiting Nagumo village?"

"I got lost trying to make my way across the mountains," he said, "And thought this path might lead somewhere useful. And it led me to you, so I suppose it did."

"I suppose," she said. 

"Are we likely to bump into any of the other villagers?" he asked. "If we do you can say I threatened you with my gun." He patted his kimono, implying that was where he kept it hidden.

"You have a gun?" She felt a wave of anxiety come over her. An injured leg wouldn't stop him from _shooting_ her, even if she ran away. 

"I do," he said smoothly, "but I don't want to hurt anyone with it. Especially not you."

 _Then why do you have a gun_ , she thought. What kind of man was this Saitani Umetaro, exactly? She'd never even seen a gun, but everything she'd heard made them sound terrifying. It was normal for men to carry swords, even those who had no intention of using them, but she knew of no reason to carry a gun unless you intended on killing people with it.

"I'm sorry," he said, in soothing tone. "I didn't mean to make you nervous. I promise I'm not going to hurt you." Was her fear that obvious? She tried to calm herself down.

"We're not likely to bump into anyone," she said. "Most of the village is at a festival today."

"I see," he said. He looked at her consideringly, eyes flicking over the large pack on her back. "Chizuru," he said, "are you leaving home?" 

That was a happy way of putting it. Like she was an adult being waved off by loving parents as she started a new life. Her first instinct was to deny it, but why not be honest? This human was obviously not going to tell on her.

"I'm escaping," she said. "I'm not really a Nagumo, I was...taken from my family. From my sister. And now I'm going to find her again."

"Taken! These Nagumo aren't the nicest people, are they? Do you know where she is?"

"Edo," said Chizuru. "At least...that's where she lived when we were children."

"I see! Well, I'm going up to Kyoto, which is on the way. And I have contacts in in Edo I can hook you up with. You help me down the mountain, and I'll help you find your sister."

"Really?"

"You've saved my life," he said. "It's the least I can do."

* * *

For just a moment, Kaoru thought the white haired men were here to save him.

They were unstoppably powerful, bringing down the ronin who'd tried to rob Kaoru with ease, and Kaoru envied their strength. But he soon realised that they were mindless in their violence, slashing at dead bodies with as much energy as they did at live ones, laughing frenetically at every spurt of blood, even from their own bodies. One of them turned to Kaoru with a demented grin, his wide red eyes filled with malice. Were these men even human? Kaoru drew his sword, trying to keep his hands steady, knowing he could never hope to defeat such a foe but unwilling to go down without a fight.

But then he was once again rescued by a stranger, a dark haired warrior slicing through the white haired men's bodies with cool, practiced strikes. Like the white haired men, he was wearing a pale blue haori edged with white, as if in mourning. And he too turned to Kaoru, and while his expression was calm he didn't put down his sword. The man gave off an aura of controlled violence on the verge of bubbling over, and Kaoru tightened his grip on his sword. His terror threatened to engulf him but his only hope of survival was to keep his senses sharp.

People said Kyoto was dangerous but this was something else. Kaoru had lived in Edo for over a decade without a single violent encounter, and now he'd seen two deadly fights in a single night. Would some new man appear now, to strike down this warrior in turn? 

And then another man did appear, in the same ominous uniform, but he just smiled and quipped at the other warrior before both turned to glare at Kaoru, swords drawn. Kaoru remembered now that he'd heard people talking about a band of blue-coated thugs who walked the Kyoto streets. But he hadn't heard that they were _literal monsters_. Was the white hair a sign they were related to demons in some way? He hadn't heard of any such thing, but there was a lot about demons he didn't know.

And he'd never find out if he died here. Since there was no way he could beat these two in a fight, Kaoru let his hands tremble, and his voice get weak. "Th-thank you for saving me from those men," he said, bowing deeply. 

Kaoru was well aware that he made a pathetic looking figure, holding nothing but a short sword and wearing ill-fitting clothes he'd scrounged from Kodo's room. He'd deliberately tried to look poorer than he really was to reduce the odds of being robbed, for all the good that had done him. Maybe he should have dressed richly to better intimidate people into leaving him alone. But for now he'd work with what he had. These were samurai right? Samurai were supposed to take pity on the weak. Kaoru hated feeling weak, but not as much as he hated the idea of dying. 

"I wouldn't thank us just yet," said the more cheerful of the two men, with a very unfriendly smile. He moved his sword a little closer to Kaoru's neck.

"P-please don't kill me," he said. "I'll give you all my money." 

The man laughed. "Your money! Did you hear that, Hajime-kun? Our days of poverty are over."

"We are not thieves," said Hajime.

"Good point," said the smiling one. His grin grew sharper. "Guess we'll have to just kill him then."

* * *

Chizuru found herself glad for Saitani's presence, even though he slowed her down. He was pleasant company, asking her what she knew about the local area and chatting about trivialities like favourite foods and the shapes of passing clouds. Without him she'd have had no company but her own worries. And she'd had plenty to worry about: within a few hours they'd walked further from the Nagumo village than she'd been allowed to travel during her entire time there as a prisoner, and it wasn't long before they started seeing signs of human habitation. Saitani was the first human she'd spoken to in over ten years, and she was painfully aware of her ignorance about his people. The people she was about to try and live amongst, passing as one of them.

"I, um, don't have any money," she said. "But I have some gold jewellery, do you think you could help me sell it?" 

"Hmm," he said. "We're only going to be finding small villages for a while, they won't have much use for gold jewellery. How about you just let me pay for everything?" He winked. 

"Oh, no, I couldn't!" she said. Saitani was in her debt, but relying on him too much seemed like a bad idea. Especially since he was suspiciously careful never to reveal too much about himself, or why he'd been trying to cross the mountains so far from the main road. He seemed like a good man, but that didn't mean he wasn't hiding something.

"Then how about I pay for everything with my money, and you pay me with some of that jewellery," he said. "We can work it out once we find an inn. And a doctor." He winced. It must be terrible, being human, having wounds just _stay_ there, not healing.

"Of course."

"You know, Chizuru, you're lucky I came along," he said, after she'd been helping him walk for a few hours, and had insisted they stop and rest. Though obviously fatigued by his injury, Saitani refused to ever admit to being in serious pain, and it was only by pretending to need a rest herself that Chizuru had gotten him to sit down. "A woman travelling alone is easy prey. Perhaps we should pretend to be a married couple." She tensed- was he expecting her to sleep with him? She liked Saitani, and wanted him to like her, but the idea of letting him touch her like that made her want to curl into a ball of terror. Seeing her expression he gave a small laugh. "Or you could dress as a man, though you're a little short."

"I, um, actually have some men's clothes," she said. "I just didn't want anyone to notice me dressing unusually while I was still near the village."

"You've though this through, haven't you?" he said with a smile. "Smart girl. Do you want to get changed now, then, before anyone else sees you? I promise not to peek." He winked.

"Uh," she said. _Could_ she trust him not to peek? If he did that would be...bad. Maybe it was time to come clean, while he was still reliant on her. She took a few deep breaths to try and steady her nerves. 

"I've made you nervous again, huh?" he said, gently. "I don't take it personally, I know it's tough being a woman alone with a strange man."

"It's not that," she said. "I...um. Saitani-san, if I tell you something, can you promise not to, uh...I suppose I can't ask you to promise not to be angry. But please try to understand. I didn't like lying to you, but I. Um." She looked at her feet and tried to keep her voice steady. "This is very difficult..."

"It's alright," he said, soothingly. He patted her gently on the back. "I have a few secrets myself, whatever you have to say probably won't shock me."

"I'm a man," she said.

Saitani pulled away his hand and and stared at her in shock for a moment, and then laughed for half a second before the seriousness of her expression convinced him. He looked her up and down. "Well that's a hell of a trick," he said, his voice dry and a little cold. "I'm normally good at picking that sort of thing. How old are you?"

"Seventeen," she said. 

"Huh," said Saitani. He didn't seem angry, which was a relief, but he did seem displeased. "So what's with the kabuki act, Nagumo-kun?" It was hardly the worst thing he could could have called her, but it was still a little jarring after an afternoon of _Chizuru_ s.

"It's complicated," she said. "But the Nagumo wanted me to be a girl, so they made me live as one, to impress other...other people. I had to dress like this not to attract notice when I was escaping, and then when I met you it was too hard to explain."

"So these Nagumo...they stole you from your family and then _made you live as a woman_?" said Saitani. "That's a pretty wild story."

"I know," said Chizuru. "If you don't believe me I..."

"No, I believe you," he said. "Provisionally, at least. You don't seem like you'd be any good at lying, and I can't see why you'd make up a story like _that_." 

"Thank you," she said. "I'm glad you're not angry."

"Angry? Nah. Crossdressing is a bit weird, but there's worse things. And you've got a pretty good excuse." He shook his head. "No wonder you wanted to escape. Forced to dress as a woman! I'm surprised you didn't set the whole village on fire!"

"They're not all bad," she said. Because they weren't, there had been plenty of moments of kindness in amongst the cruelty, plenty of people in the village who'd never been especially cruel to her at all, even if she'd never really felt wanted or loved. And Saitani might think she was honest, but she felt like a liar, making it out like she was some normal boy who'd been forced into this life entirely against his will. But she didn't think Saitani would understand if she tried to explain the whole truth.

"Well, I bet you'll be glad to be able to get back into normal clothes, huh? I still promise not to peek." He grinned and gave her a slap on the back. 

"Right," she said. 

She felt self conscious as she took off her outer layer of clothing, even though she had nothing to hide any more. She wondered if Saitani was looking, just to try and double check that she was telling the truth, but with her back turned there was no way to tell, and she decided she didn't really care. For once her body was exactly what it was supposed to be, and nothing more. 

It felt sad to take off her kimono and know she would probably never wear one like it again. She was glad to be free of the Nagumo, but it was going to be very strange living as a man again. For the first time, really- she could barely remember her life as a boy, and the expectations on men were different.

"Let's have a look at you, then," said Saitani when she was done, his voice still friendly but a little gruff. She shuffled her feet self consciously as she stood in front of him. "Not bad," he said. "Definitely a little short, but still manly." She hoped he was just being polite, she didn't really want to look manly. "I know you've been living as a woman for a while, kid," said Saitani, "But you can't go around looking at your feet like that or people will take you for a wimp. Stand straight!"

"Sorry," she said, standing straighter, and looking up at his ear to avoid having to make eye contact. "I mean... _sorry_." She let her voice sink a little lower. Lord Nagumo had always been complaining that her natural voice was too deep, though she'd thought it was perfectly fine. At least she wouldn't have to worry about that any more.

"Ready to get going again?"

She nodded, and he stood up and leaned on her shoulder again. She noticed that he was leaning harder now, letting her carry more of his weight. She wondered if he'd be more willing to admit when he was in pain, too, or if his bravado would still keep him quiet. Men! And now she had to be one of them!

Finally the road led them to a village, with both a doctor and an inn. The doctor seemed to believe Saitani's story about having accidentally surprised a hunter in the forest. Chizuru noticed how smoothly Saitani told the lie, and wondered how many of the smooth things he'd said to her had been lies too. When they got to the room, the Innkeeper laid out the futons and Saitani flopped onto one with a groan of relief. "Hey kid, how about I give you some money and you get us some dinner?"

"Ok," she said. She could do that, right? Money couldn't be _that_ hard.

She somehow managed to navigate the complexity of purchasing food from the Innkeeper, and they sat in the candlelight eating hotpot that tasted exactly like the sort she'd eaten in Nagumo village. Perhaps humans and demons weren't so different after all. 

"Can I do anything to help you?" she asked, once they were done.

He shook his head. "Nah, you've helped me plenty. If you hadn't come along I'd probably be dead by now."

"I'm...I'm glad you came along too," she said. "I don't know much about...anything, really. I had no real idea how to get to Edo."

"That's the fun of an adventure!" he said. "You start out knowing where you want to get to, and figure out the _how_ as you go. And if you're lucky, you bump into people who help you get there. You and me, we're a team now."

To her embarrassment, she felt her eyes tear up. "Sorry," she said. "I just...thank you."

"Hey, none of that!" said Saitani. "Tears are for women! Men...punch each other in the arm when they're happy with each other." She nodded and wiped her eyes. He sat up and looked at her expectantly. "Come on then!"

She laughed and punched him in the arm lightly.

"You can do better than that, kid," said Saitani. "Give it all you've got!"

So she punched a little harder, still keeping back most of her strength. Saitani made a cry of pain and fell back to the ground, clutching his arm. For a moment she thought he was joking but...no, she really seemed to have hurt him. 

"Oh no, Saitani, I'm so sorry," she said. "Are you alright?"

"Fine," he said, though gritted teeth. "Got quite an arm there, haven't you kid? That'll teach me to underestimate a man just because he's a little spindly looking." He sat back up and rubbed the spot where she'd punched him. She wondered if he'd get a bruise, and how long it would take to heal. Humans were so _delicate_. "So I guess that sword isn't just for show, then?"

"Actually, I'm not very good with it," she said. "All the...the women and me got a little training, but mostly I'm just...a little stronger than the average person, I guess." Even amongst the Nagumo she'd been considered strong, thanks to the pure demon blood that would have made her such a valuable asset if she'd been a woman. She'd forgotten how much stronger still that made her than humans. She made a mental note not to let Saitani see how strong she really was. She'd have to be careful about getting injured in front of him, too, since the speed with which she healed would also strike him as strange. 

"So why were you so nervous around me, then?" asked Saitani. "You could totally kick my ass." He winked, implying that he didn't really believe it. After all, he _did_ have a gun, and probably real combat training as well. That and he seemed like the kind of man who wouldn't want to admit he was weaker than someone else if he thought it was actually true.

"Well I mean...you do have a gun. And even if I'm not really a woman, you thought I was."

"Are you saying you thought I might not have been a perfect gentleman?" said Saitani, with an offended expression. "I'll have you know, I was fully intending on getting us seperate rooms. I might be a flirt, but I'm not going to take advantage of some young girl on her own, especially when I owe her my life."

"Sorry," said Chizuru. "I did think...do think you're a good man. But you can never be sure."

"Ahhh, that's very true. It's a dangerous world out there for women. Lucky for them they have us men to take care of them, eh?"

"Mmm," said Chizuru, who had mixed feelings on the subject. She sighed.

"Thinking about your sister, huh?" said Saitani. She hadn't been, but she was now. "I'm sure she's fine. And she'll be overjoyed to see her brother at last. What's her name? How old is she?"

"Kaoru," said Chizuru. "Yukimura Kaoru." She could barely remember what Kaoru had been like, but she was sure of her name. Because whenever Chizuru had felt down about her situation she'd thought _at least I saved Kaoru_. "And we're twins, so she's seventeen as well."

"Yukimura...so that was your name before, huh? Speaking of which, what's your real given name? I'm assuming it's not Chizuru."

"I...I don't remember," she said, lying. "And I'm used to Chizuru, now. Couldn't it be a man's name?"

"Not really," said Saitani. "You should pick something else."

"I like Chizuru," said Chizuru, firmly. 

Saitani raised an eyebrow. "Well, if you insist. I'm not going to tell you what your name is. How about your surname, should I use Nagumo or Yukimura?"

"Oh," said Chizuru. "I could be a Yukimura again, couldn't I? Then that, please."

"Ok, Yukimura," said Saitani, smiling. "Now how about we both get some sleep. It's a long way to Kyoto."

* * *

Sometimes Kaoru regretted letting the Shinsengumi know his sex so quickly. It had probably saved his life, and would have been impossible to hide indefinitely. But it would have been nice to feel like an equal for a little while. He'd only started living as a man out a desire for safety, but had found it surprisingly satisfying, free of the ridiculous expectations that had restricted him as a woman. Thinking of himself as a man had become so natural it felt jarring every time he was reminded that it was just a role he was playing. So it was frustrating that the people Kaoru spent the most time around still all saw him as a girl. 

But at least some of them were willing to treat him something like a man, even if their reasons weren't always very noble.

Kaoru picked himself up off the ground to the sound of laughter. 

"You almost had me there, Kaoru-chan," said Okita, tapping him gently on the head with his wooden sword. This was a lie and they both knew it.

"You flatter me, Okita-san," said Kaoru. "An inexperienced girl like me could never best a great captain of the Shinsengumi." If he was going to lose, he could at least make it unsatisfying for the victor. 

And while he still lost every round against Okita, he wasn't losing them as decisively as he had at first. He might not ever be able to beat Okita's techniques but he had at least begun to recognise them, and no longer flinched when a sword came towards him. He almost welcomed it, what was a little pain when it meant getting stronger? Okita didn't care about Kaoru getting stronger, he just wanted to make Kaoru hurt, but that just made it more satisfying to know that he was helping Kaoru regardless. 

"I guess you _are_ a girl," said Okita. "I forget sometimes, you're not very cute." He intended it as an insult but Kaoru took it as a compliment. Cute was the last thing he wanted to be. "Especially in that outfit, you look like a little boy with your spindly child legs in those ugly trousers. Why would you dress like that? Unless...I guess it's kind of similar to what Hajime-kun wears. Do you have a crush on him?" 

As if Kaoru was some silly teenage girl with nothing on her mind but boys. Saito was attractive enough, and Kaoru didn't dislike him, but Kaoru wore dark colours for the same practical reason Saito did: to hide any signs of blood. In Kaoru's case, his own. 

Humans were weak, delicate creatures, and Kaoru had to pretend to be just as weak. If they saw him get injured, and then saw that injury heal in seconds, it would be awkward. So he made sure they never noticed him get injured in the first place.

"You've done your hair like Kondou," said Kaoru, "do you have a crush on him?"

Okita growled like the pathetic puppy he was. Kaoru was a lot better at finding his sore points than Okita was at finding Kaoru's. "I'm not the one always sucking up to him," said Okita, darkly. And here we came to the reason Okita resented Kaoru so much: his increasing closeness with Kondou.

But was it Kaoru's fault that Kondou was the only leader of the Shinsengumi willing to give Kaoru the time of day? Kaoru was hardly going to sit back and do nothing when these people had the power of life or death over him. Kaoru's parents had been killed, his brother had been stolen, his adopted father had vanished without a trace. What child, left alone, will not seek out a protector?

Unfortunately, Hijikata refused to find Kaoru charming, and Sanan refused to talk much to anyone since his injury. So Kaoru flattered Kondou and Kondou did favours for Kaoru and everyone benefited. If Okita was jealous that being rude all the time made people dislike him that was his problem. The worse Okita treated Kaoru, the more Kondou told him off and was protective of Kaoru. It was great.

Since his insults weren't landing, Okita had to rely on brute strength, and unfortunately there he had Kaoru at a disadvantage. Kaoru managed to dodge the first swing of Okita's attack but was caught by the second, a vicious strike using all of Okita's strength. There was a loud crack and Kaoru's arm exploded with agony. 

Had Okita broken it? Kaoru grunted in pain and clutched his arm, checking the shape of it. Ok, not broken, but possibly fractured. What a heartless bastard Okita was, to do this to what he thought was a human woman. Even with Kaoru's demon healing it still _hurt_.

"Okita-kun! What are you doing?"

"Helping Kaoru-chan learn to defend herself," said Okita, cheerfully.

"You mean you're venting your frustrations on a someone weaker than you," said Sanan, angrily. "You know better than that."

"Don't tell me she's got you fooled too, Sanan-san," said Okita, glaring at Kaoru. "She's not the sweet innocent little girl she pretends to be."

"I would say I have a fair grasp of Yukimura-kun's character," said Sanan. "And I am quite sure she is not pretending to be a weaker swordsman than you. There is no need for you to hit so heavily. Keep your ferocity for our enemies." He turned to Kaoru. "Let me see your arm. That sounded like it could have caused you a serious injury."

"Thank you for your concern, Sanan-san," said Kaoru, "But I'm fine, see?" He casually wiped the fabric of his sleeve against his arm to capture any blood, then pulled back his sleeve to reveal his smooth, uninjured arm. Sanan reached out his long pale fingers, and Kaoru let him gently feel along the bone. 

Sanan was being very chivalrous, was he attracted to Kaoru? That could be useful. Sanan was kind of old, but most powerful men were, and he wasn't bad looking in a weedy sort of way. Anyway, it wasn't as if Kaoru wanted to properly seduce him, just lean on any preference a little. Sanan seemed convinced that becoming injured meant he was in danger of losing his place amongst the Shinsengumi, which meant he was emotionally vulnerable. Kaoru should probably pretend to still be in pain, to appear more vulnerable himself, but he was getting too much of a kick out of looking like an untouchable badass despite Okita's best efforts to cause an injury. Humans were fun. 

"I don't feel any swelling," said Sanan, his fingers cool against Kaoru's skin. "But you could still have been badly injured. If Okita-kun can't hold himself in check, you should train with someone else. If you wish for a challenge, Saito-kun is generally considered a stronger swordsman."

"That hurts, Sanan-san" said Okita.

"Good," said Sanan, coldly. 

"Okita-san would never hurt me," said Kaoru. "After all, he hasn't yet." He smiled at Okita. _Fuck you, human._ Okita's lips twisted into a sneer and Kaoru giggled. 

"Yukimura-kun," said Sanan, considering Kaoru with an expression of cool curiosity. "You are a very strange young woman."

"Am I?" said Kaoru, eyes wide, laughing to himself. _Sanan,_ he thought, _you have no idea_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The cover image background is based on [Bamboo Grove](https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Bamboo_Grove_\(5759026915\).jpg).


	2. Chapter 2

Even after weeks travelling together, Saitani always kept something of himself back. Chizuru didn't mind, it made her feel better about all the parts of herself she kept from him. Having light conversations with little substance was such a step up from her previous life that it was hard to remember that anything better was even possible. 

"That girl is totally giving you the eye," said Saitani. "You should go say hi."

Chizuru turned, and sure enough there was a girl of around 14 or 15, sitting by the pier and looking up at them through her eyelashes. Chizuru felt herself flush. 

"She's probably looking at you," said Chizuru.

"She might be," said Saitani. "I am, as I'm sure you've noticed, devastatingly handsome. But she's a little young for my tastes, and you're just the sort of pretty boy that girls that age are into. Go talk to her!"

"She's...a little young for my tastes too," said Chizuru. Flirting was terrifying in general, but the idea of flirting with someone so young made her feel especially gross, remembering the way older men had flirted with her every time the Nagumo trotted her out as a trophy. And what on earth would she have said, anyway? She was no smooth talker like Saitani, nor did she want to be.

"Oh, you like older women, Yukimura? I can definitely see the appeal myself." He gave a happy sigh. "I like it when women know what they want, you know? Especially when what they want is me."

Chizuru laughed awkwardly. To be honest she was glad to know that she wasn't really Saitani's type, even asides from questions of gender. She certainly had no idea what she wanted, asides from being fairly sure that it wasn't anything Saitani had to offer. She did feel a yearning when she looked at pretty, self confident women, but wasn't sure if it was attraction or envy. And while she was more sure of her interest in men, any time men expressed interest in _her_ she was overcome by panic.

And then Saitani leaned closer. "How about older men, then, hmm?" She could feel his warm breath on her ear.

She froze. She'd spent so long seeing herself as a failed woman that it hadn't occurred to her that a man might like her _as a man_. But looking back, Saitani had definitely continued his flirtation after she revealed her sex, even if it had become a little more subtle. She remembered all the times she'd woken from a nightmare and he'd offered to help her get back to sleep, and wondered how disappointed he'd been by her oblivious reaction. 

Had she led him on in some way? Should she try to more actively reject him, or would that make him upset? She was still very reliant on Saitani, and didn't want to appear ungrateful for all the help he'd given her so far. Maybe she should just keep acting oblivious, and hope he didn't press the issue.

"We should head towards the ship," she said. "It will be leaving soon." 

"Fair enough," said Sakamoto, in a good natured tone. "Let's get you to Kyoto."

It was only once they'd crossed the Inland Sea and passed through Kurashiki that he finally told her his real name.

"Oh," said Chizuru. "Thank you for telling me." He seemed to expect her to recognise it, but "Sakamoto Ryouma" meant as little her as "Saitani Umetaro" had.

"I guess you didn't hear much about the Tosa Loyalty Party up in the village, huh?"

Was that some human political thing? The Nagumo had talked sometimes about human politics, and the clan had ties to the government of the Tosa Domain. But Chizuru hadn't been included in any of those conversations. She shook her head.

"Well, let's just say I made some enemies in Tosa. I wasn't planning on ever going back but...life is full of surprises. Let's hope your escape goes a little more smoothly than mine, eh?"

"Are you in trouble?" she asked.

"Nah, I'll be ok. Better than ok, in fact." He grinned. "Japan is changing, it _has_ to change. I'm planning on being on the tip of that wave of modernity, watching it crash over the old guard trying to keep us all stuck in the past." 

The idea of everything becoming _more_ modern was a little dizzying. Chizuru had spent part of her childhood in Edo, but she couldn't remember it very clearly, and she found human cities huge and overwhelming compared to the old fashioned quiet of the Nagumo village. It was funny, the Nagumo had been full of pride at how large and powerful they were, but their whole village was the size of one of Kurashiki's larger suburbs. And for all that demons went on about how inferior humans were, she kept being surprised and delighted by all sorts of amazing things she'd never seen before: striking fashions and motorised vehicles and odd yet delicious food. Sakamoto was right, things were changing.

When they got to Kyoto, Sakamoto got them a room at an inn. He was only planning on staying in the inn for a few days himself before moving in with some associates he clearly didn't want Chizuru to meet. She was curious, but he had a right to keep his own secrets, just like she did. It wouldn't be long before she would be alone again, making the long trip north Edo. She found the idea of travelling alone pretty terrifying, but thanks to Sakamoto's help she had a fair idea of how to navigate human society, as well as some contacts in Edo. And part of her was looking forward to the true freedom of being alone. She wondered how shocked Sakamoto would be if he ever found out that he hadn't just been teaching some random kid from a mountain village about the city, but helping a demon understand humans. Not that there had ended up being all that many differences, in the end.

Sakamoto had warned Chizuru that Kyoto was dangerous and she shouldn't wander, so she just sat at the tea shop near the inn and watched the people going by. Eventually she got bored and went for a short walk, idling under the trees near the inn. The weather was warm, but not too bad if you kept to the shade. She wondered if the winters here were less harsh than they had been up in the mountains, and what the weather was like in Edo. What was Kaoru doing right now? Did she ever think of Chizuru? Or was she too busy living a happy life in the big city? 

Chizuru's reverie was disturbed by the sudden sense that someone was watching her. She turned and saw a short man dressed in black, standing in the shadows. He had a messy fringe of hair covering his eyes, making it hard to see where he was looking, but some instinct told her that he was looking at her. Was he some enemy of Sakamoto's? Part of her was convinced it had to be some agent of the Nagumo, come to drag her back, but what would they be doing all the way up here in Kyoto?

She forced herself to turn away, and was so busy trying not to stare at him that she didn't notice him walking quietly towards her. "Good afternoon," said the man in a deep voice, and she had to stop herself from squeaking in surprise.

"Good afternoon," she said. "Can I help you?"

He gave a small bow. "I am looking for a man," he said, his voice cool and flat. "He is a doctor of Western medicine, quite short and with a bald head. Have you met anyone of that description?"

She stared at him. A faint memory teased at the back of her mind, but nothing specific. "Not that I recall," she said. 

"A pity," he said. "Have you been staying at the Terada Inn long?"

"I only arrived today," she said. 

He nodded. "Pardon me if this seems a bit forward, but may I ask your name, and your business in Kyoto?"

That _was_ pretty forward, but she couldn't come up with any good reason not to answer. "I'm just passing through," she said. "My name is Yukimura Chizuru."

"I see," he said. "Would you happen to know Kodo or Kaoru of the Yukimura family?"

She gasped. A part of her told her to be cautious, that this man could not be trusted, but she was so happy to hear news of her family she couldn't bear to keep silent. "Yes!" she said. "Yes, that is who I am travelling to meet! Do you know them?" She remembered now: the bald doctor she used to know was Kodo, the relative who'd looked after her and Kaoru after their parents died. Had this man recognised Chizuru as a relative of Kaoru's? They probably still looked quite similar, even now that they were grown. 

"I do," he said. "So you are related to them, then?"

"I am Kaoru's brother!" she said. "The last I heard, she was living in Edo, with Kodo-san as her guardian. Oh, but please tell me everything you know of them. Are they still in Edo? Are they safe?"

"Kaoru lives in Kyoto, and is very well," said the man. "She and Kodo-san are both associates of my organisation. Unfortunately we have been unable to make contact with Kodo-san in recent months, which is why I was looking for him."

"I'm sorry I didn't recognise him from your description," said Chizuru. "I haven't seen him since I was a child."

The man nodded. "Kaoru said that you were separated as children. But I was under the impression that you were based in Tosa, and unable to travel."

"I was," she said. "But I..." How much detail should she give? It was impossible to know what explanation Kaoru had given for their unusual family circumstances. "I came North to find my family," she said, hoping she could get away with being vague. "Where is Kaoru? Can I meet with her?"

"Of course," he said. "I believe she is out on an errand at present, but will be returning to my organisation's headquarters soon. I could take you there to wait, if you like."

"Your organisation?" She wasn't going to follow a stranger into an unknown city without at least knowing where they were going. And he was being suspiciously vague.

"May I ask your political affiliations, first? This inn is very popular with people from the Satsuma Domain, do you have connections with them?"

It was a bit rich for him to demand _her_ affiliations before revealing his own, but it wasn't like she had anything to hide. Still, the implications of the question made her anxious. "I have no connections or affiliations with anyone except my family," she said. "I made a friend on my journey who booked the inn for me, but he's from Tosa too." Was Sakamoto connected to the Satsuma? Why would that be such a big deal? 

The man paused. "Can I trust you to be discreet?" When she nodded he said "My name is Saito Hajime, and I am a member of the Shinsengumi. We are an organisation tasked with protecting the people of Kyoto, and our affiliation with the Aizu domain makes us unpopular with certain elements of the Satsuma Domain. But we have no conflict with those from Tosa."

"The Shinsengumi!" She completely failed to hide her dismay. Sakamoto had specifically warned her to avoid the Shinsengumi while in Kyoto, describing them as a bunch of thugs who went around attacking anyone who had the wrong politics or otherwise got in their way.

"You have not heard good things about us, I take it," said Saito, seeming unsurprised. "I cannot claim that our dangerous reputation is entirely unearned, but I can promise that you will be entirely safe in our company." He said this all in the same cold monotone in which he said everything, and she wasn't inclined to entirely trust him. But she also couldn't bring herself not to take this chance to see Kaoru. 

So she left a note for Sakamoto, and hoped she wasn't about to get herself killed.

"Before we arrive," said Saito, "I should let you know that your sister has been dressing as a man for safety, and to prevent people asking questions about why a woman is within our ranks. Most members of the Shinsengumi are unaware of her true sex, so please refer to her as a man unless you know it is safe to do otherwise."

"Oh," said Chizuru. "That makes sense...I will try to remember." How odd to think of Kaoru dressing as a man, when in Chizuru's head she was still a tiny little girl. Hopefully the experience of crossdressing had been less fraught for Kaoru than it had for Chizuru. 

Saito led her through the crowded Kyoto streets, and she marvelled at how much bigger the city was even than the ones she'd seen already. Despite Sakamoto's dire warnings, people seemed calm and happy as they went about their business.

She'd barely stepped through the gates of the Shinsengumi's headquarters when she found herself greeted by a man she'd never seen before. 

"Hi Kaoru," he said, in a friendly tone. Chizuru blinked at him. "Why are you...wait...you're not Kaoru! Unless you grew grew your hair _really_ fast." The man looked to be about her age, was he a friend of Kaoru's? He had a very likeable face under a messy ponytail, and gave off an aura of good-natured friendliness. He was fairly slight, and even shorter than Saito, a far cry from the brawny stone-faced murderers she'd been expecting. 

"Hello," said Chizuru. "I'm Kaoru's brother, Chizuru."

"No...really? Ha!" He gave a quick bow. "I'm Toudou Heisuke, Captain of the 8th division of the Shinsengumi. Nice to meet you!"

"Heisuke, do you know where the Commander is?" said Saito. "I want to let him know we met Yukimura's brother."

"I think he's still out with Kaoru, they went to...wait, there they are!"

Chizuru turned. And there, walking through the gate, was Kaoru. There was no mistaking her, because she looked just like Chizuru, except with shorter hair. She was wearing a short kimono, tight trousers, and an elegant little cape, and looked very grown-up. Next to her was was a tall handsome man, but right now Chizuru only had eyes for her sister.

"Kaoru!!" Chizuru shouted and started running towards her.

Kaoru gasped. The man put his hand on his sword, glowering, and Chizuru skidded to a halt.

"Who's this then?" he asked, looking at Chizuru with a suspicious expression. 

"Yukimura Chizuru," said Chizuru, bowing. "I'm Kaoru's brother. I hear you have been looking after her, thank you for your care."

"Is this really him, Yukimura?" 

"I...I think so," said Kaoru. "But... _Chizuru?_ " 

"I use that name now," said Chizuru. "But I'm still your brother."

"All that matters is that you're here!" Kaoru threw herself at Chizuru and they hugged, laughing. "How did you get here?" asked Kaoru. "I thought you'd been adopted by that clan in Tosa."

"I left," said Chizuru. "I wanted to find you. And then I bumped into Saito-san, and he recognised me and brought me here. He said the Shinsengumi have been looking for Kodo-san? What happened?"

"I don't know, he left for Kyoto on business and then just never came back. But the Shinsengumi have been looking after me, isn't that right, Commander Hijikata?" 

The man gave a brief snort. This was the Shinsengumi's commander? He could stand to be a little more polite.

"Chizuru doesn't know where Kodo-san is," said Saito, turning to Commander Hijikata. "He only arrived in Kyoto yesterday. He's staying at the Terada Inn with a friend from Tosa." Hijikata's eyes widened in surprise and then he glared at Chizuru with suspicion. Why did Sakamoto have to choose an inn that made everyone think she was up to something?

"I'm not with the Satsuma," said Chizuru, then wanted to slap herself. Why not shout I AM NOT A SPY while she was at it? "Saito-san asked me," she explained, "It seemed important to him. But I'm from Tosa." She forced herself to stop talking before she made things worse.

"I can tell," said Hijikata, with a wry smile. Right, her accent. Even though this was Kyoto, everyone else was speaking in an Edo accent, including Kaoru. Did Chizuru used to sound like that too? "It would have been helpful if you'd had some information on Kodo-san, but a bit much to hope for when you've been living on the other side of the country. I'm guessing you want to catch up with your sister? We'll get you a room to sit in, the weather's too hot to stay outside."

Huh, maybe he wasn't all bad.

And then Kaoru whispered into her ear. "Be careful. They will be listening."

* * *

It was possible that Kaoru had built up his brother a little too much in his mind. When Kaoru first saw him, he'd thought "At last I don't have to take care of everything any more." But it seemed he'd thought that a little too soon.

There was no denying that Chizuru had saved Kaoru when they were children. He'd sacrificed his own freedom and safety to keep Kaoru from a horrific life of forced marriage and pregnancy, and Kaoru would always be grateful for that. But in the years since then, any time Kaoru felt helpless or afraid he would imagine his brother coming to save him, big and strong and confident, grown into the sort of man Kaoru would have liked to have been if _he_ was the brother. And it was only now, meeting Chizuru in person, that Kaoru realised this perfect brother had been purely a creation of his imagination, and that the real man was as flawed and limited as Kaoru.

He also appeared to be something of a wimp.

Not a _coward_ , mind you. Even asides from that childhood sacrifice, he'd escaped his captors and crossed half the country just to find Kaoru, and the moment he'd thought Kaoru might be in danger his whole body had tensed protectively. But he wasn't exactly big and strong and confident. 

From his body language, to his way of speaking, to his name, Chizuru was as gentle as a woman and as guileless as a child. When Kaoru told him they might be listened to he'd completely failed to hide his expression of horror, and Kaoru had had to cover for him by pretending they were both sad about Kodo's disappearance. So much for Kaoru not having to take care of things any more.

But they were the same age, after all, and Chizuru had spent the last decade being squashed under the thumb of the Nagumo clan, while Kaoru had gotten to grow up in safety. It was no wonder Chizuru had ended up a little neurotic. _I'll take care of you, brother,_ thought Kaoru, and found he rather liked the idea. While there was still a little girl inside him that liked the idea of being a cosseted and protected sister, it would have grated pretty quickly in practice. 

After his initial shock Chizuru managed to pretend to be calm while Hijikata led them to a private room, but he didn't respond much to Heisuke's attempts to be friendly. Chizuru actually reminded Kaoru of Heisuke a little, with his open, simple sincerity. Which was unfortunate, because Kaoru had always thought Heisuke was an annoying idiot. But Chizuru was his brother, and Heisuke was not.

The moment they were alone Chizuru grabbed Kaoru's hands and gave him a look of silent concern, squeezing Kaoru's fingers affectionately. It felt nice, the first honest affection Kaoru had felt in a long time, and he squeezed Chizuru's fingers back.

"I am not in any danger," said Kaoru. "But I am something of a prisoner here."

Chizuru gasped and made a silent expression of worried confusion. Watching Chizuru's open changes in mood felt like looking at himself making faces in the mirror. Because they did look _remarkably_ alike, Kaoru had always assumed his short stature and delicate features were a result of his sex but Chizuru was only slightly taller, and looked just as frail. Kodo was short, too, maybe everyone in the Yukimura clan was small. Well, whatever might have been the case in the past, it was certainly true now.

"It's better I not go into detail," said Kaoru. It would probably have been a bad idea even if they weren't being listened to, Chizuru seemed like the sort to try their best to keep a secret and then fail. "But I have learned things the Shinsengumi wish to keep hidden, and they don't trust me not to run away and spread their secrets." Hopefully they wouldn't mind him mentioning that they _had_ secrets. He didn't want Chizuru to be too much in the dark or he'd end up stumbling into trouble just like Kaoru had.

Not that Kaoru had entirely figured out what those secrets _were_ yet. He knew there was a hidden group of white haired warriors within the Shinsengumi, who were stronger than normal men but also mindless and violent. What he hadn't figured out yet was where they came from. At first he'd thought they were born that way, that the Shinsengumi had somehow found and tamed a group of demons. But oblique references to a dark fate that befell warriors who broke the Shinsengumi's code of conduct had convinced Kaoru that the Shinsengumi had access to some sort of transformation, a way to turn ordinary humans into the strange white-haired creatures. 

And it seemed to have something to do with Kodo. She'd always thought Kodo had cut himself off from demon society to keep Kaoru safe from any more demon clans looking for a pure blooded bride. But perhaps it had been to hide something much darker. Turning humans into demons went against everything a good demon was supposed to believe in. Who'd have guessed that the stuffy, over-controlling doctor who'd bored Kaoru with lectures about self sacrifice and responsibility had it in him to be involved with anything so _interesting?_

"Do you..." Chizuru leaned closer and whispered. "Do you need me to help you escape?"

Kaoru was gratified by Chizuru's protectiveness, but shook his head. "I am happy enough to stay here for now. The Shinsengumi want to find Kodo-san, and so do I. And I think I can trust them to let me go once Kodo-san is found."

"You _think_? Kaoru..."

"There are worse places I could be," he said. "I am safe, and have free food and board. Considering that I am a young woman whose adopted father has vanished, I could consider myself lucky." He gave a thin smile. It wasn't as if he _liked_ being a prisoner. Nor did he really like most of the Shinsengumi. The majority treated Kaoru with basic decency, but despite months of effort the only one who seemed to genuinely like him was Kondou. Even Sanan had turned out to be a false lead, any time Kaoru tried being nice Sanan accused him of being motived by pity (false) or self interest (true).

But being with the Shinsengumi was still better than any of the alternatives Kaoru had to choose from. 

"You have me now," said Chizuru. "Whatever you need me to do, I'm here to protect you."

Kaoru's smile grew warmer. What better friend could he ask for than a brother? "And I am here for you, brother. Are _you_ safe?"

"Yes," said Chizuru, though he didn't sound very confident about it. "I, uh...didn't tell my family in Tosa where I was going, but I have money."

"Did they mistreat you?"

Chizuru was too honest to deny it, and Kaoru felt a wave of guilt and anger. How dare those bastards hurt his brother? "They weren't....they weren't as bad as they could have been. I don't regret going to stay with them."

_But is that only because you're glad I didn't suffer in your stead?_

"Do you have any happy memories?" asked Kaoru. "I'm sorry, I just...I want to know everything about you, and what you've been doing for all the years we've been apart. But I don't want you to have to remember anything painful." 

"I lived in a large village in the mountains of northern Tosa," said Chizuru, slowly. "It was quite pretty. I enjoyed watching the morning mist over the forested hills." He paused. That was it? The only nice thing he could say about his entire adolescence was that the trees had been pretty? Exactly how awful had they been to him? "What about you?" asked Chizuru with a weak smile. "Were you in Edo this whole time?"

"Yes," said Kaoru, letting Chizuru change the subject. But he was going to have to find out exactly what the Nagumo did to his brother, and then make them pay for it. "Do you remember when we lived together with Kodo-san?"

"A little," said Chizuru. 

"Well, it stayed much the same, except you weren't there." He frowned, remembering. "I kept asking Kodo-san to help me bring you back, but he refused. I think he wanted me to forget you. And then he went on a business trip and never came back. And he..." Kaoru grimaced. "He kept secrets from me. He wasn't cruel, but he treated me like a stupid child. _Everyone_ treats me like a stupid child." Kaoru realised he sounded petulant, which didn't really help his case.

"You seem very grown-up and capable to me," said Chizuru, endearing himself to Kaoru further. "You came all the way to Kyoto by yourself and found people who knew Kodo-san. I don't think I could have done as much. I only made it to Kyoto with the help of someone I happened to meet along the way."

"Thank you," said Kaoru. "Is that the friend you're staying with? I'm glad you haven't been alone." Though part of Kaoru resented this friend for knowing Chizuru better than Kaoru did. 

"Yes," said Chizuru. "His name's S...Saitani-san, he was injured on the road so I helped him, and in return he helped me navigate uh...you know, inns and things. _Society_."

"Yes, _society_ can be pretty difficult for people like us," said Kaoru. Kaoru had lived amongst humans his whole life and still found it troublesome to pretend to be one of them, it must have been quite an adjustment for Chizuru. But they couldn't talk about any of that with Kaoru's human captors listening in.

Instead they kept their conversation light. Chizuru told some anecdotes about his journey from Tosa, and Kaoru told Chizuru a little about his life with the Shinsengumi. 

"They didn't want to teach me to fight," said Kaoru. "But I am supposed to be a samurai, of course I need to know how to use a sword." 

It belatedly occurred to Kaoru that Chizuru might disapprove of his sister doing something so unfeminine as learning to fight. But Chizuru responded to Kaoru's statement with a smile.

"I'm glad you can protect yourself," he said. "I've heard Kyoto can be dangerous."

Kaoru thought about the night he met the Shinsengumi and laughed. "A little," he said. "But you get used to it."

They had been talking for a while when they were interrupted by Inoue's voice at the door. 

"Chizuru-kun? Your friend is here to see you."

Chizuru's friend was _here_? How dare he interrupt Kaoru's first chance to talk to Chizuru in so long.

The door opened and in walked a tall man with an air of self confidence and a smile designed to be charming. 

"S...saitani?" said Chizuru. 

"Just checkin' up on you," said the man, leaning against the door frame. "You doing ok, kid?" Saitani was clearly at ease around Chizuru, but Chizuru seemed a little tense around him. Kaoru decided he didn't like him.

"Yes," said Chizuru, "But you didn't have to go to so much trouble! Like I said in my note, I'm fine." 

Saitani shrugged. "Anyone could have written that note, I'd feel a right jerk if I let you get murdered or something after you came all this way. But it looks like you really did find your sister, huh?"

"Yes! Kaoru, this is my friend Saitani-san, he's the one who helped me get to Kyoto." 

"Thank you for taking care of my brother," said Kaoru. 

"It was no trouble," said Saitani. "Did he tell you he saved my life? Your brother's got a good head on his shoulders." He tilted his head and smiled at Chizuru. "Speaking of which, looks like you don't need my help any more, huh, kid? I might move on, then. But good luck with everything." He ruffled Chizuru's hair condescendingly.

"But..." Chizuru looked like he was about to cry. How embarrassing. "Will you be going back to the inn?"

"Nah," he said. "I settled my bill and moved my things. You can keep staying there, though, it's paid up until the day after tomorrow." 

"Thank you," said Chizuru. "Good travels, Saitani. Thank you for everything."

"Same to you, kid. Bye, Kaoru, nice to meet you, I'm glad you guys found each other. Try not to get separated again, huh?"

Chizuru nodded. And then Sakamoto bowed, and walked away.

"That was very sudden," said Kaoru, irritably. Chizuru was a helpless naif in a new city, it was cruel of this Saitani to suddenly abandon him without warning.

"He's a little impulsive," said Chizuru. 

"Hmm," said Kaoru. More like irresponsible. But he was out of Chizuru's life now, for good or ill. "Well, at least you don't have to hurry back to your inn. You could probably stay here, if you like. Why be by yourself when you could be here with me?" 

"Oh," said Chizuru. "Could I really?" He leaned closer and whispered, "Would that be safe?"

"Safe as anywhere else in Kyoto," said Kaoru. The Shinsengumi had no reason to hurt Chizuru, and for all their flaws they _were_ pretty good at defending against the violent elements of the city. And having been finally reunited with his brother, Kaoru was loathe to let him go.

* * *

Chizuru gripped the bamboo pole and swung forward, doing her best to remember the forms she'd been taught but using a tiny portion of her strength. She was used to considering anything but a life-threatening injury to be a minor side effect of training, and had no idea how to demonstrate sword-work against an opponent who could die so easily. But then Toudou dodged the strike, laughing- just because humans were weak didn't mean they were incompetent. 

Commander Hijikata made a sound of frustration from the sidelines. "Put your back into it, Yukimura!" he grumbled. "You wanted to show me how good you are? Then show me! Stop being so tentative!"

"I don't want to hurt him," said Chizuru, then felt like an idiot for admitting she was holding back. 

"I'm tougher than I look," said Toudou. "Come on, Chizuru. Don't you want to show off for Kaoru?"

_I don't want Kaoru to think I'm a heartless bully who attacks the weak_ , thought Chizuru. _And I definitely don't want the rest of you realising I'm a demon_. Applying to join the Shinsengumi had seemed like a smart idea when Toudou suggested it at dinner: it would mean Chizuru could support herself, and would have a way to stay close to Kaoru. But she hadn't thought through how hard it would be to fight well, but not so well that she seemed inhuman.

Chizuru liked Toudou. Things had been a little awkward amongst the Shinsengumi captains after Kaoru's sudden declaration that Chizuru would be joining them at dinner, and he'd helped her feel more at home with a bunch of light hearted questions and cheerful comments. He'd introduced Chizuru to the other captains, who mostly seemed like decent men, and been the one to suggest Chizuru join up to be able to be around Kaoru. She'd been dubious at first, but the Shinsengumi's chief, Kondou, had been so kind about it, and so evidently fond of Kaoru, that she'd been persuaded. She still didn't entirely trust them, but that was all the more reason to want to be here and protect Kaoru.

Now all she had to do was win this fight.

At least her reflexes were faster than Toudou's, which was just enough to make up for his significant advantage in terms of skill. She hadn't managed to hit him yet, but he hadn't managed to hit her either. She swung a little harder and he dodged again, and she decided she really was going to have to stop being so cautious and risk doing him an injury. He was a professional samurai, he should be able to handle a little bruising, right? 

She offered Toudou a silent apology and swung with a much larger portion of her strength. He blocked the blow, but his pole was knocked back, and he grunted in surprise- or possibly pain. 

"Are you ok?" she asked. 

Instead of replying he grinned and aimed a blow at her, faster than he'd been before. She realised he'd been holding back too. For a moment she considered fighting him in earnest, properly testing her skill against his, but knew that would end in disaster. And then before she had a chance to attack him again, he got her, the tip of his bamboo pole poised against her heart. If this was a real fight, he might actually have killed her.

"Oh," she said. "I lost." She bowed to Toudou and then collapsed to a sitting position on the ground. "I'm sorry for wasting your time."

"No-one was expecting you to win," said Hijikata. 

"Oh," she said, feeling even worse than she had before. Had this all been some sort of cruel joke?

"He doesn't mean it like that," said Toudou.

"You're some village kid fresh from the provinces," said Hijikata, "You're not going to beat a trained samurai like Heisuke right off the bat. The point was just to see if you had any potential, and to some extent you do. You're certainly strong and fast, and while your technique is rough you seemed to be doing your best with what you know."

Chizuru looked up at him, feeling the faint stirrings of hope. "Thank you," she said. "Does that mean I can join?"

"That depends," said Hijikata. "This isn't a dojo, we don't evaluate our members based on their physical strength, or how well they can demonstrate some fancy technique. The only important question is: can you kill someone? I don't just mean do you have the ability, I mean would you actually do it? Would you be able to look a man in the eye and put your sword into his gut, knowing he'd never draw breath again?"

Hijikata looked at Chizuru with an intense and earnest expression, and she felt her heart quail, and finally understood how such a seemingly tactless man had ended up as Commander. Under that harrowing gaze she had no choice but to consider his question seriously and answer honestly, and the answer she had to give was "No." She sighed. "I'm sorry, I don't think I could. And I understand, obviously I'd be no good in a battle if I just froze up any time I had to kill someone. Thank you for letting me try, anyway." She looked over and smiled at Toudou. "And thank you for suggesting it, Toudou-san. It was a kind thought."

He stepped over and sat down next to her, bumping his shoulder into hers. "What's this Toudou-san business? We're sparring partners now, you should call me Heisuke!"

Chizuru laughed. "Ok. Thank you, Heisuke-kun."

"You're welcome, Chizuru!" he replied with a grin. "It was fun sparring with you! I'm sorry you're not going to get to join, you seem like a cool guy. And not wanting to kill people isn't a bad thing. We'll make sure to let you hang out with Kaoru whenever you like, right Hijikata?"

"Within reason," said Hijikata.

"Of course," said Kondou. "Toshi, let's let him stay here with Kaoru anyway. He's Kodo-san's relative too, and just as much of a child as she is. I wouldn't feel right leaving him to starve on the street."

"Oh, how generous," said Kaoru. "Thank you, Chief Kondou, you are so kind."

Hijikata hissed in annoyance. "Kondou-san," he said through gritted teeth, "We are not a charity."

"I can work," said Chizuru. "Not fighting, obviously, but you saw how strong I am. I'm very resilient too, and a hard worker."

"The same could be said of every one of our men," said Hijikata. "And they can _also_ do the _actual job of the Shinsengumi_ which is to _be a warrior_." He gave a long sigh. "But fine, you can stay here for now."

"Thank you!" said Chizuru. 

"Thank you so much, Commander," said Kaoru. "You are a good man."

"Hmmph. You don't have any more relatives who are likely to show up and need feeding do you?" he asked.

"No," said Kaoru sadly. "They're all dead. With Kodo-san gone there's just me and Chizuru left of our whole family."

"You poor things," said Kondou, looking like he might cry.

Hijikata let out a long, pained groan.

Heisuke laughed and patted Chizuru on the back. "Welcome to the Shinsengumi."


	3. Chapter 3

Naturally the three idiots used Chizuru joining the Shinsengumi as a guest as an excuse to go drinking. Normally Kaoru found little joy in attending the frequent trips to Shimabara, but for once he felt like celebrating too, so he let himself be dragged along. Kaoru had been allowed to travel outside of headquarters under escort for a little while now, but he wasn't sure Hijikata would approve of him and Chizuru going out together in case Chizuru tried to help him escape. But since nobody asked Hijikata, no-one had to worry about his opinion.

"You much of a drinker, Chizuru?" asked Harada. 

"Not really," said Chizuru. "I don't like the taste of alcohol."

"You don't drink alcohol for the taste," said Heisuke. "You drink it to get drunk! Though I guess if you're like Kaoru you...uh...never mind, haha." He gave Kaoru an apologetic look. Was he trying to preserve Kaoru's reputation? That was sweet, in an incompetent sort of way. And for all Kaoru knew, Chizuru _was_ the kind of man who'd disapprove of his sister getting into drinking competitions (and, naturally, winning them). Chizuru was going to figure out what a disaster of a girl Kaoru was eventually, but he was enjoying being seen as a Good Sister while it lasted.

If Kaoru hadn't been there, Harada and Nagakura would almost certainly have started quizzing Chizuru about his taste in women, since alcohol and girls were about the only two things they were capable of thinking about. But instead they asked about his taste in music and food, which turned out to be as provincial as you'd expect, and the five of them ended up at a quaint little bar on the outer edges of Shimabara.

Kaoru noticed that despite his previously stated preference, Chizuru drank every drink the other three men put in front of him. They seemed to be trying to get him to loosen up from his default state of tightly wound nervousness. Naturally, Chizuru didn't get drunk, it would take more than a few cups of weak human alcohol to unbalance a full blooded demon. But he did loosen up a little regardless, laughing along with everyone's jokes and good cheer. He never stopped being quiet and neurotic, but seemed genuinely happy to listen to the three idiots ramble, and they were, of course, happy to have an audience for their ramblings. Kaoru was a little jealous: he could _perform_ this sort of likability when it suited him, but it didn't come naturally, and he didn't enjoy it. He'd never bothered to make these men care about him as anything more than a friendly acquaintance, and Chizuru was on his way to becoming better friends with them in a night than Kaoru had managed in six months.

Not that Kaoru really wanted to be their friend. They were annoying, and not in a position to offer Kaoru any benefit. But it still didn't feel nice to be so obviously the less likeable sibling.

_I've had Chizuru back less than a day and already I'm experiencing sibling rivalry_ , thought Kaoru, amused at his own pettiness. Oh well, at least Chizuru had turned out to be even more useless as a warrior than Kaoru was. Kaoru was quite sure _he_ had it in him to kill someone, and as Hijikata had said, that was the true core to being a warrior.

"You know, you remind me of my friend Ibuki," said Heisuke, leaning towards Chizuru with a drunken smile. "He was...I don't know if he was gentle exactly, he could be a real firecracker when you pissed him off. But he never really wanted to hurt anyone, you know? It was kind of nice to be around."

"You saying the rest of us are a bunch of bloodthirsty monsters?" roared Nagakura cheerfully.

"Yep!" said Heisuke. "That is _exactly_ what I'm saying. Men like Chizuru are the reason we have any sort of civilised society. They like...create the art and run things and make all the sensible decisions, and then they send the monsters like us to do all the killing." He was trying to pass it off as a joke, but his voice went weak at the end. Kaoru had his doubts about whether Heisuke himself was cut out for being a warrior. Though from what Kaoru had heard he seemed to be able to do the necessary killing in practice, and perhaps that was all that mattered.

"You're not monsters," said Chizuru. "I think you all seem very nice. And it's men like you who protect the rest of us."

"Exactly," said Kaoru, doing his best to be agreeable. "Chizuru and I would be homeless without the generosity of the Shinsengumi."

"Ah, you'd figure something out," said Nagakura. "You're smart kids. And...you know, if Kaoru wasn't a girl I think she'd make a pretty good warrior. She could _totally_ kill someone, haha."

_I could certainly kill you right now_ , thought Kaoru. He gave a self deprecating laugh. "Oh, I don't know," he said. "I'm not sure I'm that sort of person."

"Really? I think if we didn't train with wooden swords, you'd..." He eventually noticed that Kaoru was glaring at him significantly. That or Harada or Heisuke had kicked him. "I mean...obviously it's just sparring, haha! Doesn't mean anything, uh..." He twisted his lip self consciously and looked at Chizuru. "I hope you don't mind us teaching your sister to fight. She asked to be able to defend herself, and we don't use real swords or anything. She's totally safe."

"Of course I don't mind," said Chizuru. "Kyoto's a dangerous city, I don't want her to get hurt. And it's her decision, anyway."

What a pleasant change from Kodo, with his constant complaints whenever Kaoru did anything remotely risky. But it was important not to push too far too fast. "With Kodo-san missing you're the head of the family, brother," said Kaoru. "I should have asked your permission. I'm sorry."

"The head of the family?" Chizuru blinked. "I mean, I suppose I am. But I'm the same age as you, Kaoru, I'm not going to tell you what to do!"

"Thank you," said Kaoru. He smiled, and wondered if he could get away with a little teasing. Chizuru seemed like he'd be fun to tease. "Although, technically speaking, I'm older. Did you forget that I was born first?" Chizuru seemed to have forgotten a lot about their childhood. Or perhaps it as more accurate to say that Kaoru remembered a lot: most people didn't have strong memories of when they were five, after all. But Kaoru remembered everything. 

"I did forget," said Chizuru. "So you're my senior then, big sister."

"I suppose I am, little brother." Kaoru patted Chizuru on the head and he laughed. A little brother, huh? Yes, that seemed to fit their dynamic better. A cute little brother who needed Kaoru's protection.

A woman came and brought their food and then stared at Kaoru and Chizuru for a moment. "Um," she said, "Are you two twins? Sorry, I hope that isn't a rude question!"

"We are," said Kaoru. "Twin brothers." He gave her a suave smile. "I'm the handsome one."

She giggled and Kaoru felt pleased with himself for a moment before remembering that Chizuru would see it as his sister flirting with a girl. That was hardly appropriate feminine behaviour. "But my brother is the nice one," said Kaoru. "So you should probably talk to him instead."

"Yeah!" said Harada. "Chizuru's a real gentleman. You should get to know him."

Chizuru laughed awkwardly. Kaoru looked over and saw that he'd gone rather pink. "Um," said Chizuru. "I think that Kaoru is, uh. Nice. You're nice too? I'm sure? Thankyouforthefood." He ducked his head and looked down at his plate, eyes wide with nervousness. The woman smiled at him with pity and gave a bow to them all before leaving.

Wow. So Chizuru was terrible with girls, too. A pity, since he was presumably more attracted to them than Kaoru was. Kaoru just liked the way successfully flirting with them made him feel about himself. 

Nagakura laughed and slapped Chizuru on the back. "Maybe next time, hey buddy? Don't worry, you're not the only one who gets shy around girls. They can be scary!"

"Are you scared of me, Nagakura-san?" asked Kaoru, fluttering his eyelashes.

"Terrified," said Nagakura, with a gratifying amount of sincerity. "You're like some sort of...uh..." His eyes flicked to Chizuru. "Very nice girl! Ahahaha. But you know, girls are scary, so." 

On the return to Shinsengumi headquarters Chizuru and Kaoru hung back a little from the others, enjoying the chance to speak with no-one around to listen (or at least no-one sober enough to remember what they said) Though they were in the middle of the city, without a tree in sight, the sound of cicadas chirping still sang through the warm summer air. 

"This was fun," said Chizuru. "I think I'm going to like living with the Shinsengumi."

"I'm glad," said Kaoru. "I've found it more enjoyable than I was expecting myself."

"So you really are happy?" He lowered his voice into a whisper. "I can still help you escape if you want."

Now _would_ be a good time, wouldn't it? Chizuru was cleverer than he looked. But he _was_ Kaoru's brother, after all. "No, it's fine," said Kaoru. "But thank you. I'm glad you're here to protect me."

"I'm not sure I'm much good at protecting," said Chizuru. "But I'll do my best."

When they got back to headquarters, Kaoru followed Chizuru as he was shown to his quarters, and they idled for a while, both a little afraid that if they lost sight of each other again it might be forever. Just as Kaoru was turning to leave he felt himself pulled into a hug. "I'm so glad I found you!" said Chizuru.

"Me too," said Kaoru, and for once every word he said was sincere.

* * *

It was important to Chizuru not to feel like a burden to the Shinsengumi, and she was glad she'd been assigned an official role. But it was difficult to be a page to a man who almost entirely refused to talk to her. Kaoru had pointed out that Chizuru only needed to _appear_ to be Sanan's page, but it still bothered Chizuru that there was so little she could do to help the man she was supposed to be assisting.

On the plus side, there were always other tasks around the compound that needed doing. Chizuru wasn't much of a cook, and didn't know a lot about cleaning, but from what she'd seen of their food and cleanliness it appeared that few of the Shinsengumi did either. It didn't take much work or skill to feel like she was making things better, especially since even fit human men seemed to tire of physical labour very quickly. 

"Do you want me to help you carry that, Chizuru?" asked Heisuke. "It seems kind of unfair that you're doing all the work."

Chizuru could barely feel the weight of the jars she was carrying, and straightened her back a little: she'd been trying to replicate the stance humans took when they carried a heavy load, but didn't want Heisuke to feel guilty. "But you _are_ working," she said. "You're guarding me. If someone attacks us, you won't be able to draw your sword if your hands are full."

"I guess," said Heisuke. "Kind of sucks you need a guard, though. I hope the Choshu stop causing so much trouble soon. I get what they're trying to achieve, but why do they have to start attacking civilians?"

"I don't know," said Chizuru, who was still getting her head around all the different human political factions. She knew the Shinsengumi supported the Shogun, which seemed like a sensible approach: he ran the country, and so by supporting him they supported the peaceful status quo. But the Choshu seemed to both support _and_ resent the Emperor, and claimed to want to protect the Japanese people from foreign threats yet directed much of their violence towards innocent Japanese civilians. Under such circumstances, she was glad the people of Kyoto had the Shinsengumi to keep them safe. And she was glad to have their protection herself, especially when it meant she got to enjoy a long conversation with Heisuke. They'd only known each other a few weeks and already he felt like the best friend she'd ever had. She knew the feeling couldn't be mutual: everyone liked Heisuke, and he had lots of friends. A quiet mouse like Chizuru could never compete with fun-lovers like Harada or Nagakura. But she enjoyed his friendship nonetheless.

When they got back to headquarters they were greeted by a sneering wave from Okita. He was a snide and disagreeable man who seemed to have a specific dislike for Kaoru. This had not endeared him to Chizuru, especially since she could never tell when he was joking.

"Aw, you came back," said Okita. "I was hoping you'd run, then we could kill Kaoru."

"What," said Chizuru.

"Wait, did no-one explain it to you?" said Okita, with a cold smile. "That rather defeats the purpose of having hostages, doesn't it?" He rolled his eyes. "See, if you run, we hurt Kaoru, and if Kaoru runs, we hurt you. That way we have a leash on both of you."

Was that true? Then why had no-one told her about it?

"Come on Souji," said Heisuke. "Leave Chizuru alone."

"Well...well I didn't run," said Chizuru. "And I'm not going to. And neither is Kaoru. So please stop saying you're going to kill her!"

"I was only joking," he said, without a shred of contrition. "Anyway, Hijikata's called a meeting. We got new intelligence on the Choshu and we're taking them on tonight."

"Tonight?" said Heisuke. "All by ourselves? But a bunch of the guys are sick right now!"

"I think the Aizu might be coming?" Okita shrugged. "We'll find out at the meeting. So come on and stop wasting time!"

It was a sign of how low numbers were that even Chizuru was asked to assist as a messenger for this battle. Kaoru stayed back at the compound with Sanan, and seemed to be annoyed that she couldn't take part. But it wasn't like Chizuru was really going to be taking part either, just doing what little she could to help.

Kondou and a small group of men were fighting a meeting of Choshu conspirators inside an inn. Chizuru had just returned to the inn after being sent to try to find the expected reinforcements when she heard cries from within that made her heart quail. "Where are the reinforcements?" she heard Nagakura cry. "Heisuke's been injured!"

There were no reinforcements. There was only Chizuru. So she took her sword in hand, steeled herself to fight, and entered the inn.

The air was filled with the sound of clashing swords and the stink of blood. Chizuru nearly stood on a dead body as she entered the room and had to stop herself from turning tail then and there. Hijikata had been right to stop her from joining the Shinsengumi, she didn't have the stomach for this sort of violence. But she was here now, and people needed her help.

Before she could worry about how to find anyone, Nagakura found her, and sent her to the back of the inn, towards Heisuke. She was glad of her fast reflexes, barely dodging several swords as she made her way through the building, and the last part of her journey was taken at a run as she escaped an angry ronin's blade.

She found Heisuke on the second floor, his face so covered with blood he could barely open his eyes, wobbling on shaky feet but still bravely wielding his sword.

A sword whose blade was held tightly in the hand of the giant ronin he was facing. There was no human alive who could hold the sharp edge of a sword like that without being injured. What could Chizuru do to help Heisuke when he was locked in combat with a demon?

"Why are you breaking the code?" said Chizuru. "You shouldn't be interfering with....with _these_ affairs."

The demon stared at her in surprise. She pointed her sword at him and tried not to let her hands shake. "You can't kill me, either," she said. "And I am defending this man. So go."

"I was just leaving," said the demon, letting go of Heisuke's sword. "I might ask why _you_ are interfering in _these_ affairs, but I'm sure you have your reasons. Just as I do." He started to walk away. "That injury is not life threatening," he said, "But he should receive medical attention as soon as possible."

"Wait!" said Heisuke, even as he fell to his knees. "Get back here!" But the demon was gone. Heisuke made a soft groan and then collapsed entirely, unconscious. Chizuru ran to his side and tried to wake him up, but it was no use.

There was so much blood. He had a huge gash on his forehead and Chizuru had no idea what she should do to treat it. But someone else would know. She just had to get him out of here. She put Heisuke over her shoulder and started to run outside, sword in hand, dodging ronin and dead bodies and finding herself outside the inn before she had a chance to really think about what she was doing. She put Heisuke gently on the ground and bit her lip, looking at the blood flowing from his forehead. She should put a bandage or something on it, right? Lacking any other options she tore a strip off her sleeve and put it to his head. It quickly became soaked with blood, and she wasn't sure she'd done any good.

"Press down on it," said a voice: Yamazaki, one of the Shinsengumi Watch. When did he get here? "If you apply pressure it will help stop the bleeding."

"Thank you," said Chizuru, and she pressed down gently. 

"That was amazing, the way you ran with him over your shoulder," said Yamazaki. "You're a lot stronger than you look."

"Thanks," said Chizuru, suddenly worried. How many people had seen her running? Was that sort of thing beyond the limits of human capability? She didn't think it was, but it was so hard to tell. There were a lot more people milling around outside than there had been when she went in, it seemed that the reinforcements had arrived at last. Which was great for the Shinsengumi, but not so great for her keeping her abilities secret. And what about all the stuff she'd said about the demon code? She'd never actually said the word _demon_ but it would still have struck Heisuke as strange. Assuming he ever woke up to remember it.

"Worry for a comrade can help a warrior achieve remarkable things," said Kaoru. "Heisuke should consider himself very lucky you were there to help him."

"Kaoru?" said Chizuru. "What are you doing here?"

"They needed a messenger," she said. "And I was all that was left." She gave a self deprecating smile.

And so they'd both gotten to help out, after all. Chizuru almost expected Okita to show up and make a snide remark about killing them if they tried to escape, but then she saw him being carried out on a stretcher. He was unconscious too, though not as blood-covered as Heisuke. She felt a brief pang of worry for him. As much as she disliked Okita, she didn't want him to die.

"Looks like Okita-san finally pissed off the wrong person," said Kaoru, cheerfully. "What a pity I wasn't there to see it."

"Kaoru!"

"I'm sorry," said Kaoru, "I don't really want Okita to be injured." She gave a small smile. "I was only joking."

* * *

Kaoru had to admit he was going to miss Kondou while he was away. 

At first Kaoru had seen Kondou as a weak willed idiot, to be so quickly won over by Kaoru's obvious flattery. But his jovial exterior hid a strong and resolute personality. While he could be a little vain and quick to trust, Kondou was no fool, and Kaoru had begun to respect Kondou despite himself. Kondou managed to be both commanding and kind, both brave and gentle. It wasn't hard to see why so many men followed him with so much loyalty. 

"Do you want anything from Edo?" asked Kondou. "I'm sure you miss your home town."

"Not as much as I'll miss you," said Kaoru, not even sure any more how much of what he was saying was lies and how much the truth. "I don't need anything, just come back quickly. You're the only one here other than Chizuru who really likes me."

"I'm sure that's not true," said Kondou. "You're a sweet, capable girl. I can only hope my own daughter will grow up to be just like you."

Kaoru felt a non-insignificant amount of resentment towards Kondou's infant daughter, though at least she saw less of Kondou than Kaoru did. Was it strange to see a man a little over a decade her senior as a father figure? But Okita clearly did as well, and he was even closer in age to Kondou than Kaoru was. Not that Kaoru saw Okita as a brother in any way: Kaoru already had one of those, and Chizuru was Okita's superior in every sense.

Well, almost every sense.

"Would...would you be willing to train me?" asked Kaoru.

"In swordplay? Haven't you already trained with Souji and the others?"

"Yes," he said, breathlessly, "But you're the Master of the Tennen-Rishen style. It would be such an honour to be trained by you directly."

Kondou chuckled, as always easily persuaded by an appeal to his vanity. "Really, if you've trained with Souji I'm not sure what else I could have to teach you. But if you insist. I have to warn you, I can be a little aggressive."

As if anyone would seem aggressive after training with _Okita_.

But Kondou did shout a little more roughly than Kaoru had expected. It was great, Kaoru felt like Kondou had entirely forgotten to think of him as a girl, too busy focussed on getting him to correct his stance and loosen his grip. 

Kondou was facing Kaoru as he went through a series of exercises when he stopped to greet someone behind Kaoru's back. "Hey, look at my new disciple!"

Kaoru turned, hoping it was Okita, who would be miserable to see Kaoru being trained by his precious Kondou. But it was only Hijikata.

"Your new disciple is about to fall over," said Hijikata. 

"What?" said Kondou. He stopped and looked at Kaoru, and then his face fell as he noticed how breathless and pale Kaoru had become. Despite all Kaoru's training, his body remained frustratingly weak. It had only been a few hours!

"I'm fine," said Kaoru, trying not to collapse. "I can't express how much I appreciate that you treated me like a real student. You are..." He struggled to say something flattering, but was too out of breath, and too overwhelmed by how genuinely happy he was.

"Well, I'm glad," said Kondou. "But we should probably stop. And I'm sorry I pushed you so hard."

Kaoru shook his head. 

"I didn't realise how late it was getting...I have things to attend to, are you going to be able to get back to your room by yourself?"

"Of course," said Kaoru. "Please, don't let me keep you from your work. And thank you for today."

"Thank you for your hard work," said Kondou. "I'll see you when I get back from Edo. Look after everyone while I'm gone!"

"I will," said Kaoru.

"So do you need me to carry you back to your room?" asked Hijikata, who knew Kaoru well enough to know how much he'd hate the idea.

"No," said Kaoru. "Thank you for your kind offer, but I need to get to the kitchen to start preparing Sanan's meal."

Hijikata scoffed. "He needs his own special meal now? He injured his arm, not his stomach."

"He hasn't been eating enough."

"Yeah, and making a big deal about his eating habits will just make him more self conscious. Plus he has his own page, get Chizuru to do it if it's so important."

It had in fact been Chizuru's idea to make Sanan a meal that was easier to eat one handed, but since all Chizuru cared about was Sanan's welfare he'd been perfectly happy to let Kaoru take the credit. "I wanted to do it myself," said Kaoru. "Chizuru has so many other duties."

"By which you mean, you want Sanan-san to be grateful to you and not Chizuru." Hijikata rubbed his forehead and sighed. "You know, Yukimura, you'd be a lot easier to like if you weren't always trying so hard to get people to like you. Your brother can be a bit of a suck-up, too, but at least he seems marginally sincere about it."

Kaoru would have been offended on Chizuru's behalf, but had to admit that "mostly sincere suck-up" was a pretty accurate description. Personally, Kaoru liked that Chizuru wasn't oblivious to the importance of getting people in power to like him. Not everyone could get away with being as abrasive as Hijikata.

But Hijikata was right: not everyone responded well to being sucked up to, either. Maybe it _was_ time for Kaoru to try a different approach.

"Are you asking me to be more unfriendly, Commander?" he asked. "As your page I am of course always ready to obey your every whim."

Hijikata snorted. "Sarcasm, huh?" he said. "I guess that's a good first step. Now go to bed. That's an order. Sanan can take care of himself for one night."

"As you wish, Commander," said Kaoru. 

The next morning Kaoru asked Chizuru how things had gone with Sanan, and watched Chizuru try to put a tactful spin on "I got shouted at and insulted". Then Kaoru marched to Sanan's quarters, and refused to leave despite Sanan slamming the door in his face.

"I'm sick of you and your brother always being underfoot," said Sanan. "If you actually cared about my well being, you'd leave me alone and let me do my work."

"Ah, but I don't care about your well being," said Kaoru. "You can starve to death out of spite for all I care. That's not why I'm here."

Sanan gave a surprised laugh. "Trying for honesty for once, are we, Yukimura-kun? Out with it, then."

"You keep saying hurtful things to Chizuru when he's just trying to help you, and I won't stand for it."

"You won't stand for it? What exactly are you going to do to me?" Sanan smiled. 

"I'm certainly not going to call on your conscience," said Kaoru. Sanan did appear to have one, but it also didn't seem to be be having much of an effect on him these days. "But maybe I can appeal to your pride: are you really comfortable being such a hypocrite? Chizuru is your junior and subordinate, haven't you always said it's wrong to pick on those weaker than yourself?"

"I am also of the opinion that subordinates should show respect to their betters," Sanan sneered. "Are you hoping that this little display will increase my opinion of you? Because I know exactly what sort of manipulative, nasty little girl you are, Yukimura Kaoru, and while your concern for your brother is admirable it doesn't make up for your other flaws."

So that was what Sanan thought of him, huh. 

"I don't care if you like me," said Kaoru, pretending to himself that this was true. "I don't even care whether you like Chizuru. Hijikata doesn't particularly like me, but he still manages to treat me with respect. I'm merely asking you to offer Chizuru the respect he is owed."

"Hijikata doesn't dislike you," said Sanan. He frowned at Kaoru for a moment. "But I suppose that I don't dislike your brother, either. Fine, I acknowledge your criticism." He pushed Kaoru towards the door again. "But I make no guarantees. Now get out of my quarters."

That conversation hadn't been as satisfying as Kaoru had hoped it would be. Kaoru discovered that he actually felt a little hurt that Sanan apparently disliked him. He'd long let go of the idea that Sanan had any _interest_ in him, but had thought he at least respected Kaoru a little. Sanan was brilliant, and subtle, and even with his injured arm still had the skills of a fine swordsman. He was exactly the sort of person Kaoru would like to be, and he had liked to think that Sanan saw and respected similar qualities in Kaoru. But apparently not.

Oh well. As long as Sanan was kinder to Chizuru, that was all that mattered. It wasn't like they could have ever really been friends, anyway, not with their differences in age and sex and station. Though Kondou and Sanan were similar in age, Kaoru wanted Kondou to see him as something like a daughter (or even a son), but he'd wanted Sanan to see him as an equal. It had been an impossible goal. "His loss," thought Kaoru, with annoyance, and did his best to expunge Sanan from his thoughts entirely.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bunch of violent/disturbing stuff happens this chapter, this is the point where things start to get weird.

"Chizuru."

The voice was like something out of a half remembered dream. 

Chizuru turned and saw an unfamiliar man smiling at her from the shadows of an alley across the street. He was rather short, and bald, and...

_Oh._

She rushed over, all thoughts of her current errand forgotten.

"Are you....Yukimura Kodo?" she asked.

"Yes, my child," he said. "I am flattered you remembered me, it has been so long since we last saw each other."

"I'm sorry, but I don't really remember when you looked after me," said Chizuru. "But I've heard all about you. Where have you been? Kaoru and the Shinsengumi have been looking for you for nearly a year!"

"I was...forced to leave," he said, sadly. Oh no! They'd all assumed he'd left voluntarily, but he'd been _kidnapped_?

"Forced? " said Chizuru. "By who? Are you safe now?"

"Quite safe," said Kodo, chuckling. "What a thoughtful boy you have grown into, Chizuru. Almost a man, I suppose."

"Thank you," said Chizuru. It had been something like thirteen years since they'd last seen each other, Chizuru must look very different to him now. "I..." She stopped. "How do you know my name is Chizuru?"

"Don't you remember?" he asked. "I was there when you chose it. You said that if Kaoru was a girl, then you wanted to be one too, and you named yourself after your mother." He smiled. "It was quite adorable."

"Chizuru was my mother's name..." said Chizuru. She'd forgotten. How had she forgotten that?

This was proof, at last, that she really had wanted to be a girl all along, before the Nagumo had forced the issue and made it strange. Chizuru had known it in her heart, but had not been able to remember that time well enough to be sure. And Kodo thought it was adorable. Did he understand then, at least in some way? Would he accept her as she really was? Could Kaoru?

"You have been very brave, Chizuru," said Kodo, in a warm and comforting voice. "You stopped Kaoru being taken from us, her children raised as part of another clan. And you have protected her while she has been forced to live amongst humans. But it is time to step forward as a man, now, and take your place as heir to the Yukimura clan."

"Take my place?" asked Chizuru. Something about his words made Chizuru uncomfortable. Was it simply her bad associations with living as part of a demon clan? Surely it would be different if it was _her_ clan.

"Help me rebuild our clan," said Kodo, his eyes bright. "Help me make it so strong we will never again know fear or loss. Help me persuade Kaoru of the part she must play in our reawakening."

"What do you mean, 'her part'?" Chizuru felt a sense of foreboding. Why would Kaoru need persuading?

Kodo grinned. "As the mother of a new generation of Yukimuras, of course!" 

Chizuru had to repress a shudder. She'd spent so long being mistreated by men who thought of demon women only as child-bearers that hearing Kaoru talked about that way filled her with fear and disgust. But having children didn't have to be awful, and it _was_ nice to imagine their family expanding.

"Oh," said Chizuru. "I haven't heard Kaoru express any interest in getting married at the moment. But I'm sure she wants to find a husband eventually." The moment Chizuru said it she wondered if it was actually true. Kaoru had never said she _didn't_ want to get married, but she'd never said she did, either. Most women wanted to get married, but Kaoru wasn't most women. 

It occurred to Chizuru that _she_ could get married and have children herself. She'd probably have to marry a human woman, but it wasn't like she cared about her children being pure blooded demons. They'd still be Yukimuras. Chizuru found it hard to imagine herself as a husband and father, but no harder than it was to imagine Kaoru as a wife and mother. If Kaoru had a duty to expand the clan, then surely so did Chizuru.

"But will it be the right sort of husband?" said Kodo. "Kaoru is a sweet girl, but she can be very wilful. I tried my best to teach her to be obedient and good, but I worry that if she gets it into her head to marry the wrong sort of man, we will never be able to persuade her otherwise. It's important we men of the clan settle the matter while she's still young."

"I've never seen her show any interest in men," said Chizuru. If anything, Kaoru tended to shut down flirtatious men rather more coldly than Chizuru thought was entirely necessary. What kind of man was Kodo worried she'd fall in love with, anyway? He seemed to see her more as a vessel for the clan's future than a person in her own right. "She's only eighteen, Kodo-san. And if she falls in love with...with a human, or man without the ability to support himself...surely the most important thing is that she's happy, isn't it?"

"That is a very kind thought, Chizuru," said Kodo. "And of course I want my dear Kaoru to be happy. But it is also important for the clan that she produce strong children. It is our responsibility to make sure that happens." 

"I'm...I'm not sure I agree," said Chizuru, almost paralysed with horror. Were _all_ demon men like this when you scratched the surface? Kaoru had complained about Kodo being over-controlling, but hadn't seemed to think his behaviour was anything out of the ordinary. Was Chizuru in the wrong, to be so horrified? Was she failing in her duty to her clan? It was not so unusual, after all, for parents to choose a husband for their daughters. Yet something about this all felt completely wrong. 

"Chizuru," said Kodo. "You have lived amongst humans. You have seen how weak they are. Would you really want our clan's children to suffer that same weakness?" His expression grew pained. "I don't know if you remember the death of your parents...but it was humans who murdered our clan, and all the rest of our kin. I only want us to be strong enough to prevent that happening again. Do you think it's wrong, to want our clan to be strong?"

"N-no?" said Chizuru. Obviously it must have been deeply distressing for Kodo to see his clan destroyed. She couldn't blame him for wanting to prevent that happening again. "But surely..."

"I see I've given you a lot to think about," said Kodo, stepping back into the shadows. "We will speak again."

"But...aren't you going to go back to Kaoru? And the Shinsengumi?"

"I'm sorry," said Kodo. "But I can't, not yet. Please don't tell them you saw me. It will only cause them to worry. I promise I will return."

And then he left her alone in the dark. Chizuru had to stand in the sunshine for a long time, feeling her mind spin in circles, before she felt able to return to Shinsengumi headquarters.

Hijikata stared at her with an expression of weary annoyance. "You say that Kodo-san approached you in an alleyway, having been missing for over a year, and all he wanted to talk about was finding Kaoru a good husband."

"Yes," said Chizuru. "He was very...it was strange. And I tried to persuade him to come back with me but he refused. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful."

She felt a pang of guilt for betraying Kodo's trust. But at this point she felt more loyalty to the Shinsengumi than to this distant relative who claimed to care for Kaoru then threatened to coerce her into an unwanted marriage. And it wasn't as if Kodo had bothered to give Chizuru a good reason not to tell the Shinsengumi he'd approached her. 

"You've done the most you could under the circumstances," said Hijikata. He shook his head ruefully. "Here we were waiting for Kaoru to help us find Kodo-san, and it's you who brings us the first lead we've had in months."

"That's not her fault," said Chizuru. "I don't understand why he approached me instead of her. And now I have to tell her her father didn't even want to see her..."

" _Adopted_ father, as Kaoru would say. I'm not sure she was ever very fond of him. But yes, I imagine it will still hurt. I can tell her if you like."

Chizuru liked and respected Hijikata, he cared deeply for his men and had been quite kind to Chizuru in his own gruff way. And she was fairly sure she'd seen signs of a certain grudging affection for Kaoru under all of Hijikata's grumpiness towards his supposed page. But she doubted he would do a very good job of breaking the news gently.

"No, thank you," said Chizuru. "It's my responsibility."

Kaoru took it better than Chizuru had worried she would. Or perhaps she just hid her pain well, Kaoru was not one to display her emotions openly unless she'd decided she wanted to. 

"So he wanted to make sure I find a good husband?" scoffed Kaoru. "A little late to show such fatherly concern when he abandoned me without warning for a year."

"He did say he'd been forced to leave," said Chizuru. She'd glossed over the details as much as she could, but hadn't wanted to lie. "I think he wants the three of us to reform the Yukimura clan. He didn't mention me getting a...a wife, but I suppose I would do that as well. Not for a while, though, we're both still very young. And if you don't want to get married, I would understand. I don't think you should have to." 

"Really?" said Kaoru. "As head of the clan, when I'm the only woman?"

"It's not like I can't have children, too," said Chizuru. "I like the idea of us having a real clan again, but not more than I want you to be happy, Kaoru. It was so awful for...for demon women in Nagumo village. I don't want that for you."

"But Kodo-san does," muttered Kaoru.

"Oh, no," said Chizuru. "He said he wants you to be happy. He just _also_ wants you to get married and have children. I'm sure if he ever thought you didn't want that, he'd understand."

Kaoru frowned. "I wouldn't be so sure," she said. "He was _usually_ a gentle man, but sometimes when I didn't act like the good little daughter he wanted..." Her expression grew angry, and then she caught herself and forced her face into a smile. "But I shouldn't complain. I'm sure he did his best. And I'm glad you are so understanding, brother. I haven't really thought about marriage, but when the time comes I will be sure to discuss it with you first."

A year ago Chizuru would have believed Kaoru's smile, and thought she was just being good-natured and optimistic. But she knew Kaoru well enough now to be aware that good-natured optimism wasn't really in her nature. So why did she feel the need to express it so much around Chizuru? 

"Kaoru," said Chizuru. "Do you...do you feel like you have to be a...a good little sister for me?"

Kaoru stared at her in silence, as if waiting to see what Chizuru did next before answering.

"You don't," said Chizuru, trying to put as much force into her words as possible. "I swear, I will love you even if you're...I'll love you _whatever_ you're like. And I'll support you in whatever you do, even if Kodo-san doesn't like it, or it's bad for the clan. We _are_ the clan, now."

"That's a very nice thing for you to say," said Kaoru, blandly. Did she think Chizuru was lying? Perhaps she thought Chizuru was lying to herself, and would change her mind if Kaoru did anything too out of the ordinary.

How could Chizuru convince her?

'I haven't told you a lot about what it was like living with the Nagumo," she said slowly. "I don't like to think about it much.. But they...they wanted me to be a good...a good child." Her nerve broke before the word _girl_ , unsure whether Kaoru could understand what it meant for someone like Chizuru. "They said it was for the good of their clan, that I had a duty to them because they'd taken me in...I don't ever want you to feel the way I did, Kaoru. I don't ever want you to be afraid of me."

"I'm not afraid of you," said Kaoru, looking away. 

"Kaoru..." said Chizuru.

Kaoru sniffed. "I'm really not. You're the best brother I could..." She blinked and wiped her eyes, and her voice became soft, almost a whisper. "I don't want to get married," she said. "Not...not like Kodo-san wants. I don't want to have children and be a mother. Is that really something you can understand?"

"Of course it is," said Chizuru. She pulled Kaoru into a hug.

"Thank you," said Kaoru, resting her head on Chizuru's shoulder, and audibly holding back sobs. Chizuru rubbed her back and made quiet soothing noises. She'd always thought Kaoru's life had been the easier one, but now she wasn't so sure. 

"Are you afraid of _me_?" asked Kaoru, when her voice had calmed down a little.

"You're my loveable big sister," said Chizuru. But Kaoru deserved a more honest answer than that. Chizuru closed her eyes. "I guess...I am a little scared of you sometimes. At least, I'm scared you won't...you won't like me if you really know me."

"I will always love you, Chizuru," said Kaoru. "You're practically the only person in the world I even _like_." She gave a short snicker. "And just so you know, I already figured out that you're weird. I don't know if you thought you were hiding it, but I like it. Normal people are boring."

"I'm...I'm not sure you realise quite how weird I am," said Chizuru. "Maybe I'll tell you one day. But thank you. I don't mind that you're a little weird as well."

"I'm not a _little_ weird," said Kaoru."I am completely grotesque. But I'm glad we can be weird together."

* * *

"Your form is good."

Kaoru stopped his exercises and peered through the gloom of the courtyard to see who was talking to him. ...was that _Sanan?_ Giving Kaoru a _compliment?_ It was, and he was smiling with what appeared to be sincere happiness instead of his usual passive aggressive mockery. Had he gotten laid or something?

"Thank you," said Kaoru. "But my form isn't the problem. The problem is my strength."

Neither of them should have been out here at this time of night. It felt like they were talking in some twilight world beyond the usual rules and power relationships, just two swordsmen discussing technique.

"Strength is nothing without form," said Sanan. "I doubt that you would have any trouble against most samurai."

"And yet I lose all my sparring matches," said Kaoru. "Spare me your condescending praise."

Sanan himself had spent the last year in a funk because he'd gone from an exemplary swordsman to only a mediocre one. He'd been even more morose and unpleasant lately, ever since Itou joined. And no wonder, Itou was just as brilliant a tactician as Sanan, but without any of his physical limitations. Kaoru thought about pointing out Sanan's hypocrisy, but decided he didn't feel like being quite that cruel. 

Sanan laughed. "Because you always choose the most difficult opponents! The Shinsengumi is successful because we recruit some of the best swordsmen in the country. Losing to them doesn't make you a bad swordsman." 

"And I want to be able to beat them,' said Kaoru. " _Not bad_ isn't good enough." _Just like it's not good enough for you_. "Do you think I should give up just because I'm a woman?"

"I never said I thought you should give up," said Sanan. "But you should be honest with yourself about the progress you have made, and the difficulty of the task before you."

He was right, Kaoru _had_ made progress, and it felt good to hear someone as generally negative as Sanan acknowledge it. 

"All the most worthwhile things are difficult," said Kaoru.

"Perhaps," said Sanan. He sat and watched Kaoru for a little while. "Yukimura-kun, if there was some way to become stronger, but at great personal cost, would you take it?"

Kaoru paused, mid-swing. Was he talking about the mysterious transformation that turned humans into monsters? What effect would it have on a demon? "It would depend on the cost," said Kaoru. "Are you offering me such a choice?"

"No," said Sanan, with a gentle smile. "It was merely idle speculation. I'll let you continue with your exercises. But remember to get enough sleep."

"Yes, uncle," said Kaoru, in a mocking tone. 

Sanan chuckled and walked away.

What was he doing out here so late? Something about Sanan's good mood struck Kaoru as suspicious. He sheathed his sword and quietly turned to see exactly where Sanan was going. 

Kaoru followed Sanan through empty corridors and darkened paths to the common room, and saw him take out a glass vial of red liquid. Sanan stared at the vial with an intense expression. There was only one thing it could be.

"So you're choosing to become a monster then, Sanan-san?"

Sanan turned to look at Kaoru and then laughed. "I often wondered how much of your ignorance of Kodo-san's activities was feigned. Am I to take it that you know what this is?"

"Kodo told me nothing," said Kaoru. "I just pay attention to what's going on around me. And I'm guessing that's what allows you to transform human beings into those white haired...things. A pretty hefty cost for strength, if you ask me. The ones I saw seemed entirely mad."

"Yes, that has been an unfortunate side effect of the Water of Life until now," said Sanan. _The Water of Life_ , huh? An ironic name for such a dangerous substance. "But I have improved significantly on Kodo's work. There should be no more side effects. I will only become stronger, and able to heal more quickly. And my arm will function again."

_That sounds like a demon_ , thought Kaoru. Why would Kodo have been working to give humans such abilities? It was humans who had killed the Yukimura clan, jealous of their strength, and it was only their physical weakness that kept humans from being more of a threat to demons in general. Why care so much about continuing the clan and making it strong unless...oh, had his final goal been to make _himself_ stronger? That was a motivation Kaoru could understand.

Kaoru still had questions, but had to be careful not to reveal too much with how he asked them. "I find it strange to imagine Kodo working on such experiments," he said. "He always acted like a simple doctor. Do you still truly not know where he went?"

"Kodo is a very complex man," said Sanan. "To be honest, I always found it hard to imagine him having a daughter. All he seemed to care about when I knew him was perfecting his elixir." Sanan frowned. "But he and I were hardly friends. He seemed to see the Shinsengumi more as test subjects than as allies. It was the Shogunate who sent him to us, so I cannot say how long he was working on it with them, or by himself before that." He gave Kaoru a gentle smile. "I cannot say why he left without warning. Perhaps he was forced, as he claims. But as for why he never told you about his work...he was probably trying to protect you. The experimental process was not pleasant."

Kaoru could only imagine. If the men who'd attacked him a year ago had been the end product of years of research, what had the earlier failures looked like? How many men had Kodo killed in pursuit of this formula? Kodo had always liked to think of Kaoru as a sweet innocent little girl, and himself as Kaoru's beloved father. It was no wonder that Kodo hadn't wanted Kaoru to know that his kind, self sacrificing persona was a lie. Kaoru wondered if he'd ever get the chance to know Kodo as he actually was, and what they'd say to each other if he did.

"And now you have perfected the elixir without him," said Kaoru. "Congratulations. What a pity Kodo-san isn't here to see it. But I suppose I can bear witness in his stead."

"Yes, I suppose that is fitting," said Sanan. "You're not going to try to stop me?"

He probably should. But it wasn't like Sanan would listen, anyway.

"Who am I to tell you what to do, Sanan-san?" asked Kaoru. "I am but a simple page and you are my superior officer." He grinned. "Anyway, I'm curious to watch a human turn into a demon."

"A demon?" said Sanan, and Kaoru mentally kicked himself. "Hmm, yes, that is as good a description as any, though we call them Furies. Well then, may you enjoy watching me turn into a demon." He removed the vial's stopper and drank the contents.

And then he dropped the vial to the floor and grunted with pain before collapsing to the ground, his hands clutched to his chest in agony.

"Sanan-san?" asked Kaoru. Was this supposed to happen? Was Sanan going to die? Would people blame Kaoru if he did?

Sanan didn't respond, but his black hair went white, like a brush being washed out in water. And then he turned to look at Kaoru with mad, red eyes. Kaoru moved to draw his sword but was too slow and felt Sanan's hands grasp strongly around his throat, lifting him off the ground. Kaoru couldn't even draw breath to scream, and kicked his legs in the air fruitlessly. He idly noticed that Sanan was using both his hands to strangle him: at least that part of the elixir had worked as promised.

But Sanan had failed. A sad end for a noble warrior. And a sad end for Kaoru, too, unless he could get out of this. He managed to awkwardly pull out his sword one handed, Sanan being too focussed on trying to throttle Kaoru to notice what Kaoru was doing with his hands. Kaoru stabbed forward into Sanan's gut, pushing up into the lungs, and felt the meat of Sanan's body squelch disturbingly against his sword. He didn't want to kill Sanan, but these "Furies" seemed to have roughly demon level healing, which meant anything but a serious injury would heal too fast to allow Kaoru a chance to escape.

Sticking his sword into an actual person felt very odd. Kaoru felt the warm liquid of Sanan's blood flow onto his hand, and made sure not to lose his grip.

Sanan's red eyes opened wide with surprise and he made a loud groan of pain, coughing as blood flowed into his lungs. His hands loosened around Kaoru's throat, and Kaoru managed to pull free. He ran away as fast as his legs would carry him, hoping Sanan was too injured to be able to follow.

Before he had a chance to wonder what to do next, he ran headlong into Okita.

"What the hell?" snapped Okita. "Why the fuck is there blood on your sword?"

"Sanan-san," said Kaoru. "He's a...a Fury."

"Where?!"

Kaoru pointed, catching his breath. 

"Stay there!" commanded Okita sharply. "And sheathe your damn sword before someone else sees you." Then he shook his head and muttered under his breath. "Dammit, Sanan-san." 

Kaoru nodded blankly, and followed Okita's orders, wiping Sanan's blood off his hand with his sleeve. 

Sanan had tried to kill him. And he'd possibly killed Sanan. And Kodo had...

"What's all this noise then?"

Itou! Of all the people. He might claim to be a member of the Shinsengumi, but even aside from being an Imperialist he was clearly following his own agenda, and could not be trusted. And he had an unpleasant tendency to leer at Kaoru and Chizuru when he thought no-one else was looking. Kaoru got the impression that Itou thought they were matching concubines to Hijikata and Sanan respectively, though whether he thought they were women or men was hard to say. It was both hilarious and insulting. 

"There was an intruder," said Kaoru. "Okita-san is taking care of it."

"Really?" said Itou, "I thought I heard you talking about Sanan-kun."

"I'm very scared," said Kaoru, letting his voice tremble. "Will you protect me if the intruder comes again?"

Itou's eyes lit up. "Of course," he said. "I'll take good care of you, my dear." He casually stroked Kaoru's hair and Kaoru had to hold back an expression of disgust. The fact that Itou was only interested in him as a way to undermine Hijikata didn't make it feel any less gross. Oh no, now he had his hand on Kaoru's cheek. Itou hummed happily and Kaoru wondered how much trouble he'd get into if he just stabbed him. He'd already stabbed Sanan, after all, why not make it a pair? 

"Am I interrupting something?" Okita was looking at them with a mixture of disgust and amusement and Kaoru had never been happier to see him in his life.

"I was just telling Itou-san about the intruder," said Kaoru, stepping forward out of Itou's reach. "Did you take care of him?"

"Yes, he's taken care of," said Okita. "He'll live- which is to say, he got away. But the danger is over." 

"Thank goodness," said Kaoru. 

"Would you like me to accompany me back to your room, Yukimura-kun?" asked Itou.

Kaoru struggled with a polite way to express _I'd rather die_.

"As much as I hate to take Kaoru away from you, Itou-san," said Okita with a cheerful smile, "We need to discuss a few things." He grabbed Kaoru's arm, the tightness of his grip in contrast to the lightness of his expression.

Kaoru found himself set in front of a furious Hijikata, still in his nightwear after having been woken up.

"What the hell happened with Sanan-san?" he demanded. "And how do you know what a Fury is?"

"Sanan-san told me," said Kaoru, speaking quickly, jittery with fear. "He looked like he was up to something, so I followed him, and he told me about the Water of Life before he took it. He thought he'd made it safe but...it wasn't. He tried to kill me. I only hurt him in self defence!"

"I believe you about it being self defence," said Hijikata. "Sanan-san's fallen unconscious now, but Okita said he's definitely a Fury. If you hadn't struck him you'd probably be dead. But you _thought he was up to something?_ And he just told you all our secrets out of nowhere?"

"Ask him about it when he wakes up," said Kaoru. "Okita-san said he'd live. Sanan-san will back up my story."

"That's assuming we can get a coherent word out of him," said Hijikata. He glowered at Kaoru. "I told you the night we met that I'd kill you if you interfered with our secrets, and here you are sneaking about, sticking your nose into other people's business and causing a scene. I should kill you now to save myself any future trouble."

"Please don't," said Kaoru, his heart skipping a beat. He was pretty sure Hijikata was just blustering as usual, but you could never be sure. And Kaoru really didn't want to die. 

Hijikata gave him a thin, cold smile. "You're not going to beg and burst into tears?"

"You'd just find it annoying," said Kaoru.

Hijikata snorted. "So you've learned _something_." Kaoru's heart calmed down a little. "Thanks for covering for us with Itou-san, at least," said Hijikata. "I'm going to expect you to keep covering for us indefinitely, you understand? And I really will kill you if I find out you've told anyone. Even your brother."

"Of course," said Kaoru. 

After he got back to his room, Kaoru felt on edge and worried, feeling like he could smell Sanan's blood on his skin. It was only after he'd washed his hands thoroughly that he was able to get to sleep.

* * *

"Do you know if he had any family?" asked Chizuru.

"Sanan-san?" asked Heisuke. "Um. I don't think so. He never mentioned one."

"I guess the Shinsengumi were like his family," said Chizuru. "And now we're left to..." She felt her eyes tear up. "Sorry. I shouldn't be making a scene." She hadn't seen any of the others crying. She was sure they were all mourning Sanan in their own way, but it felt like Chizuru was the only one who couldn't keep her emotions in check. She and Heisuke were sitting out in the street where anyone could see them, she should be acting like a proper samurai, or at least a proper page.

Heisuke put his hand on her shoulder. "Hey, it's ok, Chizuru. I didn't know you and Sanan were close, but...it's normal to be sad when someone you know is gone."

"We weren't _very_ close," said Chizuru. "But I still liked him. And now I'll never see him again."

"Yeah..." said Heisuke. "Sorry, I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better."

"You just being here is helpful."

Heisuke blushed. "I'm glad," he said.

Chizuru wiped her eyes. "Thank you for listening," she said. She took a deep breath. "But we should get back to work." She stood up and offered her hand for Heisuke to pull himself up with. He took it, smiling, and they stood holding hands for a moment once he was upright. Chizuru took note of the feeling, to hold in her heart when she next felt alone.

"What's this, Yukimura?" said an unexpected voice. "Are we consorting with the Shinsengumi now?"

"S-Saitani?" Could it really be him? She turned and there he was, as tall and vibrant as ever. She'd missed him in the first few months after their parting, but was surprised to find she didn't feel especially happy to see him now.

"So who's this boy you're dallying with," said Saitani, looking down at Heisuke. "He seems a little feeble."

"You know this guy, Chizuru?" said Heisuke, glaring up at Saitani. "Cos otherwise I'm inclined to sock him one."

"Heisuke-kun, this is Saitani Umetaro," said Chizuru, "He's the friend who helped me travel to Kyoto from Tosa. Saitani-san, this is Toudou Heisuke, he's a captain of the Shinsengumi. And very strong, actually."

"Hmm," said Heisuke. "Well, I'm glad you helped Chizuru when he needed it."

"Well I'm _not_ glad he's still wasting time with the Shinsengumi," said Saitani. 

"This Shinsengumi are a noble band of samurai," said Chizuru, hotly. How dare he? "They constantly put their lives on the line to keep the people of Kyoto safe. And they're very brave and honourable."

Saitani laughed. "Well, I don't like that they've gotten you spouting their propaganda," he said. "But it's good to see you've gained a bit of fire since the last time I saw you."

Fire? Was she so very different? ...yes, she probably was. She'd have never argued like this with Saitani a year ago. Was it her time with Kaoru and the Shinsengumi that had changed her? Or was it knowing she had Heisuke by her side?

Well, either way, she was glad Saitani could deal with it, because she wasn't going to stop.

"It's not propaganda," said Chizuru. "It's what I've observed myself by working with them."

"And have you observed them keeping the _Imperialist_ people of Kyoto safe? Or only the ones who support the Shogun?" 

"We arrest anyone who's causing trouble, no matter their politics," said Heisuke. "A lot of them are Imperialists, because those are the main people causing trouble right now. But just because we were hired by the Shogun doesn't mean we can't think for ourselves. There's a bunch of Imperialists amongst the Shinsengumi." He paused, and avoided Chizuru's gaze. "I'm one myself, actually."

"Really?" said Sakamoto. "Maybe I'll let you dally with Yukimura after all."

"Thanks," said Heisuke, sarcastically. "I'm _so_ glad I have your approval."

Saitani ruffled Chizuru's hair. "But watch out for this one, Toudou," said Saitani. "He's a heartbreaker. Two months we spent together and then he ups and leaves me for a bunch of Shogunate thugs."

"Saitani!" cried Chizuru, feeling herself blush. He was giving Heisuke entirely the wrong impression! And anyway, _he_ was the one who'd left _her_. 

"Wait, what?" said Heisuke, eyes wide. "You and Chizuru..."

"It wasn't like that," said Chizuru. "Saitani's just...he likes saying things to rile people up. You can't take him seriously."

"I'm only joking half the time," said Sakamoto. "You should listen to everything I say the other half of the time."

Heisuke looked like he was trying to figure out which half of what Sakamoto said was the true part.

"So what have you been doing for the last year?" asked Chizuru. "Have you been staying in Kyoto? I haven't seen you..."

Sakamoto shook his head. "I've been a spirit of the air, flitting from place to place. I take it you've just stayed with the Shinsengumi, then?"

"Yes," said Chizuru. "I haven't moved. So if you wanted to visit or send me a letter..."

"Perhaps I will," he said, in a tone that suggested he probably wouldn't. Maybe that was for the best. He'd been what she needed a year ago, but she wasn't sure she had much need of him now. Was that an awful thing to think? It's not like she'd mind if he _did_ come to visit.

"We should probably get back to work," said Chizuru. "The commander is waiting for us."

"Ah yes, can't get the Demon Commander angry," said Sakamoto with a grin. "Well, it was good to see you Yukimura, and a pleasure to meet you, Toudou. Look after Yukimura for me, won't you?"

"Good bye, Saitani," said Chizuru.

"I'll look after him," said Heisuke. "But I'm not doing it for you."

Sakamoto laughed. "Close enough," he said. And then he turned and walked away.

* * *

Kaoru wished the Shinsengumi would let Chizuru know the truth about Sanan. His supposed "death" had hit Chizuru surprisingly hard, and while becoming a Fury wasn't exactly an unalloyed good it was still better than being dead.

Also, with Chizuru no longer doing the work of being Sanan's page, that left it all to Kaoru. And it was a _pain in the ass_. If one of the others who knew about the Furies was on cooking duty Kaoru could just ask for another serving to bring to Sanan, but they were all out tonight drinking, so Kaoru had to not only bring Sanan his dinner, but cook it as well. He hoped Sanan didn't mind his tuna being a little charred. Oh well, at least Sanan didn't seem to resent Kaoru for having stabbed him. He'd actually gotten friendlier since become a horrifying crime against nature, and they'd gotten into a habit of having short conversations when Kaoru brought his meals. No wonder: it must be very lonely for him stuck with no-one to talk to but the other Furies.

Just as Kaoru was approaching Sanan's door with the dinner tray he heard a smug, deep voice floating down from above him. "They have you doing _chores_?"

Oh no. 

The first time Kaoru met Lord Kazama Chikage, he'd been terrified. Not only was the man as pure blooded as Chizuru and Kaoru, he was physically imposing and well-trained as a swordsman, and had no compunctions about using his skills to murder any human who got in his way. He'd already killed one member of the Shinsengumi, and badly injured Okita. There was no-one in the Shinsengumi who could beat him in a one-on-one fight, and since he usually travelled with other demon men as backup he was almost unstoppable.

And his goal was to force Kaoru to be his bride. The fact that Kaoru had no interest in marrying him did not seem to matter to Kazama, who was the sort so used to getting his own way that the opinions of everyone else barely registered as relevant.

But you could only be scared of someone for so long before that fear turned into a cold, dull irritation.

"Fuck off, Kazama," shouted Kaoru, hoping Sanan would hear him. Of course since the sun had just set, it was plausible that Sanan was asleep, in which case Kaoru was screwed. 

Kazama landed on the ground with an inhuman grace that made Kaoru green with envy. "I see I am going to have to teach you some respect," he said.

"You could try," said Kaoru. "And I'm sure eventually you'd think you'd found success." He tilted his head in an approximation of a flirtatious young girl. "I would be to all appearances the perfect wife." Kaoru took a step towards him, with a smile. "And on that day, I would kill you. Perhaps with poison, perhaps with a sword. Whatever was most convenient, and caused you the most pain. And then I would hunt down every brat you'd forced on me and strangle it in it's crib, and dedicate the rest of my long and happy life to destroying every other member of the Kazama clan, from the smallest child to the..."

Kazama slapped him, so hard that Kaoru felt the skin on his lip split and could taste the metallic tang of blood on his tongue. _Is this the sort of husband you would approve of, Kodo?_ thought Kaoru. _He's certainly strong_.

"Watch your mouth, girl," said Kazama, sharply.

Kaoru spat out a mouthful of blood, deliberately letting the majority of it drip down his chin. _Look at your beautiful bride_ , he thought. _Are you still sure you want her?_ "What a charming way you have of woo-ing, Lord Kazama," he said. "It's a wonder you don't have girls lined up to marry you for miles."

Kazama tutted with his tongue. "Enough with your wit, girl. I am not here today to fight. I am simply here to find out your relationship with the man Yukimura Kodo."

"Never heard of him," said Kaoru. 

Kazama bared his teeth in a furious scowl. Kaoru wondered if he'd ever push Kazama to the point where he snapped and killed Kaoru in a rage. It would still be better than marrying the bastard.

"Yukimura Kaoru," said Kazama, his voice a low rumble of fury. "You..."

"The lady has rejected your suit," said Sanan, stepping through his door, sword in hand. "Politeness would suggest you take your leave."

"You think you can beat me, human?" said Kazama, with a short laugh. 

"Guess again," said Sanan, and his hair went white and his eyes red. Kaoru had never seen Sanan fight as a Fury, but he certainly looked confident in his abilities. How strong was he now? Could he really beat Kazama?

Kazama's grin turned into a grimace of disgust. "A _fake_? Your taste in companions gets worse and worse, wife." Kazama was horrified by the idea of humans taking on the abilities of demons, which made the idea of Sanan beating him even more appealing.

"I'm nobody's wife," said Kaoru, drawing his own sword. "You said you didn't want a fight. Then go, or you'll have one." There'd been no point in fighting Kazama on his own, but Kaoru was competent enough to help Sanan in a fight of two against one. 

Kazama stared at the two swords pointed towards him, probably considering the low but non-negligible odds of receiving a fatal injury in the ensuing fight, since he had, for whatever reason, not brought his minions along this time.

"Fine," said Kazama, in the bored tone he always used when he wanted to retreat without admitting defeat. "I will find out the information some other way. But I will not forget this insult."

"See that you don't," said Kaoru, watching with relief as Kazama vanished into the shadows. He wondered if Chizuru could learn to appear and disappear like that if he put his mind to it. 

"Are you injured, Yukimura-kun?" asked Sanan, his voice sounding strained.

"Not really," said Kaoru. "I bit my cheek when Kazama slapped me, and spit out the blood to..."

The blood. He looked up at Sanan's red eyes, and saw the usual intelligence within them replaced with nothing but a singleminded hunger. He quickly wiped his chin with his sleeve, but it was far too late. Sanan's mind was gone.

"Blood..." said Sanan, advancing towards him slowly.

Ah, hell. Kaoru had managed to stop Sanan when he was unarmed and disoriented and new to being a Fury, but a fully transformed Sanan with katana in hand had been enough to scare off _Kazama_. Kaoru's future was again looking grim.

"Sanan-san," said Kaoru, in the most calming tone he could manage. "If you're hungry, how about you eat the very nice dinner I've prepared for you. It's tuna with..."

Sanan suddenly stopped, and his eyes widened. For a moment Kaoru thought he might have some back to himself but then Sanan fell to the ground, a large and bloody slash splitting his back. And behind him stood Chizuru, holding a blood covered sword and wearing an expression of pure terror.

"Kaoru?" said Chizuru, his voice weak and tremulous. "Did I...oh no did I kill Sanan?" He dropped his sword, tears in his eyes. "I thought he was already dead. I don't _understand_."

"He's not dead," said Kaoru. "He's...he's like a demon, now. That injury won't be enough to stop him." 

Chizuru stared at Sanan in horror, and then quickly bent to retrieve his sword. Sanan groaned. 

"Do I have to stab him in the heart? Oh Kaoru, I really don't want to kill him, what do I do?"

"I don't..." _Think, Kaoru._ Chizuru was terrible once he started panicking, Kaoru was going to have to do the thinking for both of them. "Grab his arms. I think you're stronger than him. You should be able to hold him back."

Chizuru nodded and kneeled on top of Sanan's back, putting his arms up around Sanan's shoulders. Kaoru reached and grabbed Sanan's sword before Sanan could fully wake up and apply his full strength to holding it. Kaoru sheathed his kodachi and pointed Sanan's katana towards Sanan's head. The large and unfamiliar sword sat heavily in his hands.

"I think we should be safe now," said Kaoru.

"Blood..." groaned Sanan. He started thrashing and convulsing.

"What happened to him?" asked Chizuru, holding on to Sanan with a look of horror and pity. It was a good thing Sanan wasn't aware enough to see it. 

"There's an elixir that turns humans into demons...well, something like demons," said Kaoru. "Sanan took it last year to cure his arm, but it made him like this. He's been pretending to be dead so that no-one learns about the elixir."

"He chose to be like this just to avoid having an injured arm?" said Chizuru.

"He's usually lucid," said Kaoru. "But the sight of blood drives them into this frenzy." He wasn't sure it had been a worthwhile trade, even so, but he wasn't Sanan.

Sanan started to moan loudly. It was deeply disturbing.

"We need to shut him up," said Kaoru. "If Itou learns about the elixir it'll be trouble. Maybe if we use a gag..."

"Isn't there any way to stop the frenzy?" asked Chizuru. "If he gets like this sometimes, surely he knows how to end it. And he seems to be in so much pain."

Kaoru thought about everything Sanan had told him about being a Fury. He hadn't said much, but there had been a few odd remarks at meal times about unusual hungers, and their effects. 

"Blood..." said Sanan.

Kaoru gave a deep sigh and used Sanan's katana to cut a gash across his palm, then squatted down to bring it to Sanan's mouth. "I'm not sure this will work," he said. "Hopefully it won't just make him worse..."

"Kaoru!" said Chizuru in surprise. "Are you sure you want to..."

The moment Sanan saw the bloody hand coming towards him he stopped thrashing and his face lit up with demented glee. This was all _very_ disturbing. Especially once Sanan started sucking on Kaoru's hand like a hungry child at it's mother's tit. 

"You better be grateful for this, Sanan-san," muttered Kaoru. "This is _two_ dinners you've gotten out of me in one evening."

"So you've known Sanan was alive this whole time?" said Chizuru, looking away from Kaoru's hand to his face. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"They made me promise not to," said Kaoru, trying not to grunt with pain. Having blood sucked out of a cut on his hand was quite unpleasant. But at least it seemed to have calmed Sanan down. "This is the secret I..." 

The pain in his hand stopped. "Yukimura-kun," said Sanan, in a cracked voice, looking up at Kaoru with lucid, miserable eyes that slowly turned from red back to brown. His lips had gone red with Kaoru's blood, and his skin had gone pale with horror. This situation must be excruciating for a man who cared so much about politeness and propriety.

"Are you feeling better, Sanan-san?" asked Chizuru. "I'm really sorry I stabbed you."

"I..." Sanan closed his eyes. "Yes. I feel better now. Thank you both for your..." He shuddered. "I am so sorry."

"Is it safe to let him go?" asked Chizuru in a loud whisper.

"Are you safe, Sanan-san?" asked Kaoru.

Sanan-san gave a short, dark laugh. "Am I ever safe? But yes, if you let me go I will not harm either of you." 

Chizuru let Sanan go and then stood and gave a deep bow of apology. "I'm really very sorry," he said.

"You saved your sister's life," said Sanan. "You should never apologise for that. While I..." He made a choked sound in his throat and his voice became very soft. "I've tried to kill you two times now, Yukimura-kun."

"I'm not so self-absorbed that I take it personally," said Kaoru. "You weren't in your right mind." 

"Can someone please explain to me what's going on?" said Chizuru. "Has Sanan become what they call a 'Fury'?" 

"How do you know about Furies?" asked Sanan, effectively distracted from his self hatred. Good job, Chizuru. 

"I've heard bits and pieces over the years," said Chizuru. "Little things people said when they didn't realise I was there. But not enough to put it together until tonight." He looked up at Sanan. "There is an elixir that turns hu...people into Furies, and they become very strong and able to heal, but they become wild with hunger for blood when they see it. Is that right?" 

"Yes," said Sanan. "But sadly I am the only Fury with much ability to think clearly at all. The others...it has largely been a failed experiment."

"This is why they've been looking for Kodo-san," said Kaoru. "It was his experiment in the first place." There was no reason he had to tell Chizuru that part, but Chizuru already knew enough to be in trouble with the Shinsengumi, he might as well hear the full truth. 

"Oh," said Chizuru. "That...that makes sense of a few things. But how do you know so much about all this, Kaoru? Is it because Kodo-san is your father?"

"This is the secret that I learned about the Shinsengumi way back at the beginning," said Kaoru. "The one they made a prisoner to keep. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but I was under pain of death to keep it secret. And I didn't want you to have to worry about all this."

"I understand," said Chizuru. He bowed to Sanan. "Sanan-san, I promise I won't tell anyone."

"Thank you, Chizuru-kun," said Sanan. "I know we can trust you to be discreet. But speaking of secrets..." He gave Kaoru a gentle smile. "I don't mean to be rude, but the two of you aren't human, are you?"

"Oh no," said Chizuru. Well, there went any hope of hiding it. But it was bound to come out eventually, with Kazama and his goons talking about "demons" every time they showed up. 

"Does my blood taste strange?" asked Kaoru.

Sanan laughed weakly. "Yes, you might say that. And as Chizuru-kun put it, I have heard little bits and pieces over the years. I've had my suspicions for a while." His smile faded. "Am I right in thinking you are both 'demons' like Lord Kazama? What is your business with the Shinsengumi?" 

"Yes, we are demons," said Kaoru. "But otherwise everything else we've told you is true."

Sanan's expression remained cold. "What of Kodo-san? Is he a demon too?"

"Yes," said Kaoru. 

Sanan's eyes narrowed. "Have demons infiltrated the Shogunate, then?"

"I...I don't think so," said Chizuru. "There is a code all demons must follow, and the very first rule is not to become involved in human affairs."

"Nobody appears to have informed Kodo-san or Lord Kazama of that," said Sanan, with a dry laugh. "I have to wonder how much of this war is a result of demon meddling. And here are the two of you, just happening to be in the centre of it all."

"I think you misunderstand what it means to be a demon," said Kaoru. "At least for us- there really are only the three of us left in the Yukimura clan, and the other clans are not our allies. _Especially_ not the Kazama. Whatever Kodo's plans might be, he acts alone."

"Hmm," said Sanan. He didn't seem entirely convinced.

"And Chizuru and I have the same priorities we have always had," continued Kaoru. "To find our relative, to survive, and to be together. Being a demon means very little when you have no clan." 

Sanan pondered them both in silence, eyes unreadably tranquil behind the thick glass of his spectacles. "So, in short," he said at last, "You are still the helpless little orphans you have always claimed to be." 

"Yes," said Kaoru. Would Sanan believe them? Or were they going to be another victim of human brutality against demons? Should they...should they have killed Sanan while they had the chance? 

Sanan gave a short puff of a sigh, and then smiled gently. "Your story does appear to match the data," he said. "Thank you for answering my questions." He looked down for a moment, seeming chastened. "I am sorry to have been so suspicious of your motives, especially when I have just demonstrated such reprehensible behaviour myself." He gave a self deprecating smile. "And I can hardly judge you for hiding your non-human status from the world. Are you like Furies then, in most respects? I see that you heal as quickly as we do, but if you crave blood or are hurt by daylight you hide it well."

"Chizuru is very strong and fast," said Kaoru. "We both heal very easily. But we don't have those disadvantages, no." 

"And when we're older we should be able to attain our true demon forms," said Chizuru. "Which are a bit stronger, and have white hair with, um. Horns." Kaoru was _incredibly_ impatient for this day to come, but it probably wouldn't be for years. Demons lived longer than humans, and their full physical maturity took a little longer too. 

" _Horns_ ," repeated Sanan, staring at Chizuru as if trying to imagine it.

"Just little ones," said Chizuru, looking very self conscious.

"Fascinating," said Sanan. "I wonder what would happen if either of you drank the Water of Life."

"We're not your experimental subjects, Sanan-san," said Kaoru.

Sanan shook his head, as if clearing his thoughts. "Of course, of course. Anyway, I understand why you have been reluctant to reveal your true nature, but it's time you told Hijikata-kun and Kondou-san the truth. _You_ may not be a danger to the Shinsengumi, but the same cannot be said for the rest of your species, and the Shinsengumi needs to have a proper understanding of the threats it faces."

Kaoru felt a little odd being described as a different species, but had to admit that Sanan had a point.

* * *

"I always knew you were a little monster, Kaoru-chan," said Okita.

"Souji!" said Kondou, chidingly. "It must have been very difficult for Kaoru-kun and Chizuru-kun to have been surrounded by humans all this time, unable to reveal who they were. Don't be cruel."

It was like a weight had lifted off Kaoru, one he'd been carrying for so long that he'd forgotten it was there. He'd always believed deep down that the humans of the Shinsengumi would despise him and Chizuru if they knew the truth. But while they'd reacted with surprise, they'd mainly been interested in what information could be gained about Kazama and Kodo, and seen Chizuru and Kaoru's demon blood as nothing more than an interesting but largely irrelevant fact about their heritage.

Well, except Sanan, who was barely hiding his interest in performing experiments upon them, but for now even he was happy to just watch as the other captains encouraged Chizuru to perform increasingly dramatic feats of strength.

"Do you think you could juggle me and Harada?" asked Nagakura, who was currently balanced six feet above the ground on top of one of Chizuru's hands. "Or if we're too big...try juggling Heisuke and Kaoru!"

"I am not being juggled," said Kaoru, darkly.

"Someone might get hurt," said Chizuru. "And I don't know how to juggle."

"I bet you could do it, though," said Heisuke. "You're amazing, Chizuru."

Chizuru blushed.

"So can you do that stuff too, Kaoru?" asked Hijikata.

"No," said Kaoru. "I have the same strength as a human. But I do heal very quickly."

"Well that's something," said Hijikata. "I can stop worrying so much about you getting gutted by some ronin in the middle of a battle. Since you do keep insisting on getting yourself into trouble."

"You worry about me?" asked Kaoru. "I thought your life would be easier if I died."

"Yeah, but then Chizuru and Kondou-san would be sad," said Hijikata. "And I'd never hear the end of it."

Kaoru laughed, feeling much happier with his place in the world than one might expect from someone who'd feared for his life twice that evening. "Well we can't have that," said Kaoru. "I promise I'll do my very best not to die."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a paranoid thought while writing this chapter that people would think this fic is making some general statement about the Trans Experience which, no (well, not beyond, like, Transphobia Isn't Fun) I'm not really interested in writing The Quintessential Trans Experience in the first place, but if I was going to, I would not pick quite so many murderers :)
> 
> Also, I'm pretty sure I've written Chizuru as stronger than canon!Kaoru, but am having too much fun to stop. I spent a large chunk of my first Hakuoki playthrough waiting for Chizuru to develop the same sort of demon strength as Kazama etc. The Okita path was a lovely surprise when I played it, I should probably write a Fury!Chizuru fic at some point because there's a bunch of other fun places that could go, too.


	5. Chapter 5

The walls of the common room of the Fury quarters rang with the clash of metal and the sound of feet moving quickly against the wooden floor. 

Chizuru dodged as a metal pole brushed past his face, stepping quickly to avoid a series of calculated strikes. He swung, clearly thinking Sanan had left an opening in his defence, and so was unprepared as Sanan pivoted on one foot to slam his pole into Chizuru's chest with a sickening sound of fracturing bone. Chizuru cried out briefly, and covered his mouth to cough and catch his breath with half crushed lungs. 

Kaoru had to hold back a sound of distress himself: he knew Chizuru would be fine, but it still felt awful to see him in pain. Still, there was certainly no ambiguity about who had won. "Match goes to Sanan," he said. 

After a final cough Chizuru straightened, and he and Sanan bowed to each other. Chizuru smiled at Sanan apologetically. "I'm sorry," he said. "I shouldn't have fallen for your feint."

Sanan shook his head. "You are much improved," he said. "And until now you have not had much experience with opponents with a similar level of strength."

Since their demon heritage had been revealed, Chizuru no longer had to hide his speed and strength from the Shinsengumi captains, but was still too squeamish to properly spar against humans in case their poor delicate bodies got damaged. Sanan, with his Fury healing, was the exception.

They fought with blunt metal poles: no safer than swords when it came to causing injury, but much less likely to draw blood. Wood and bamboo hadn't been able to handle the strain. 

Chizuru and Sanan's inhuman abilities were so beyond even the exceptional swordsmanship of the human Shinsengumi that Kaoru couldn't feel jealous about not being able to fight so well himself. Especially since Chizuru still wasn't his match at the technical aspects of swordsmanship, for what little that mattered when his physical abilities were so outclassed.

"Your problem, Chizuru," said Kaoru, "Is that you're so honest it never occurs to you that someone might be tricking you." 

"But also Sanan-san is so clever," said Chizuru. "I don't know how he can think so quickly in the middle of a fight!"

Sanan smiled. "Years of practice," he said. "You'll get there in the end."

_But I won't_ , thought Kaoru. 

Ok, so perhaps he was a _little_ jealous. Not just of Chizuru's skill, but of the fact that he could stand on an equal footing with Sanan here in the sparring arena. Kaoru was sure Sanan would be happy to offer Kaoru advice on his technique as well, but it would be like he was giving encouragement to a child, not respecting a peer. 

"Thank you for the match, Sanan-san," said Chizuru. "I have to go start preparing tomorrow's breakfast, but if you're free again tomorrow night I would like to try again."

"I am always here," said Sanan. "There is nowhere else I can go."

After he'd gone Sanan walked over to Kaoru, still sitting on the edge of the room. "You're not going to help your brother?"

"You've eaten my cooking," said Kaoru. "It's to everyone's benefit if I don't help with breakfast. I thought I'd spend the evening with you, if you're amenable."

"Again?" asked Sanan. "Surely there is something better you could be doing with your time."

"Would you rather I leave?" asked Kaoru.

"For your own sake, perhaps," said Sanan. "The living shouldn't waste their time with the dead."

"Or perhaps a monster shouldn't waste it's time with mere humans," replied Kaoru, with a smile. Sanan could be so ridiculous sometimes. 

"Hmm," said Sanan, amused. "Well, I won't insist. There _is_ something I wish to discuss with you. And I do lack a little for intelligent conversation."

As if summoned by his words, there was the sound of shuffling feet, and one of the other Furies wandered slowly into the room. Kaoru recognised him as Watanabe, a member of Nagakura's division who'd swallowed the Water of Life after receiving what would have been an otherwise fatal injury. "Blood?" asked Watanabe, with a hopeful smile, staring at Kaoru.

"No," said Sanan. "Go back to your quarters."

Watanabe looked like he wasn't entirely convinced, and took another step forward.

" _Back to your quarters_ ," barked Sanan, his hand on his sword. 

Watanabe nodded his head. "Back to my quarters," he said to himself, and turned away. He gave off an aura of good-natured harmlessness, but Kaoru knew that without Sanan there to stop him Watanabe would have cheerfully torn Kaoru to shreds.

"Shall we retire to my quarters?" asked Sanan, eyes still fixed on the corridor Watanabe had entered from. 

"Yes, that's probably a good idea," said Kaoru. 

Kaoru warmed his hands by the fire as they waited for the water to boil for tea. He thought about Chizuru in the kitchen by himself, always working so hard and never complaining.

"Did you really have to break Chizuru's ribs?" he asked. "I know he won't be permanently injured, but it still hurts the same."

" _You_ are going to lecture _me_ on careful treatment of those I train?" said Sanan. "Chizuru-kun will heal from any injury in moments. The same cannot be said for Souma-kun."

Damn. Gossip really did travel fast, didn't it? This was _not_ the kind of conversation with Sanan he'd been hoping for. 

"It's only a broken toe," said Kaoru. "People can _lose_ toes without any problems, I don't see the point in making a fuss over Souma having to limp a little for a few weeks." Especially since watching him hop around was hilarious.

"My issue is not that you broke his toe," said Sanan. "It's that you did it deliberately and without good reason." He frowned. "I did not take you for a bully, Yukimura-kun"

"Uuurgh," said Kaoru."First I get a lecture from Hijikata and now one from you? You're really accusing me of bullying a man twice my size?"

"He's still your junior," said Sanan. "And you are both older and a much stronger swordsman." He sighed. "Although I suppose that is the way of the world. Okita-kun's seniors bullied him, he bullied you, and now you bully Souma and Nomura. But I wish you wouldn't."

_I **am** a much better swordsman, aren't I_ , thought Kaoru smugly. Souma and Nomura were _useless_ at sword-work, and reacted with amusingly earnest misery every time Kaoru made this fact clear. It wasn't like he ever beat them badly enough to cause permanent damage to their delicate human bodies. And Okita was just as bad!

Ok, maybe not _quite_ as bad. Okita and Kaoru were similarly disinclined to think fondly of anyone who got to be Kondou's page, but Okita settled for the sort of simple cruelty he'd meted out to Kaoru, while Kaoru enjoyed subtly messing with their heads as well. The other day he'd convinced Nomura that he'd get stronger if he ate raw unpeeled horseradish.

But like Sanan had said, that was just the way of the world! Souma and Nomura suffered now, and then in a few years there'd be someone new and younger they could vent their suffering on. It was like the cycle of karma and rebirth or something.

All of this spun through Kaoru's head as he looked up at Sanan's calm, cool, disapproving gaze. He didn't like having Sanan look at him like that. He hadn't like being lectured by Hijikata either, but Hijikata constantly shouted about everything, it was a lot easier to ignore. Chizuru didn't like seeing his juniors unhappy, but seemed to think it wasn't his place to get involved, and was inclined to trust Kaoru's judgement. Sanan's disapproval hung a lot heavier on Kaoru's mind. 

"...I acknowledge your criticism," said Kaoru, through his teeth. He still didn't really care about Souma and Nomura's feelings, but there was no denying that he'd been a hypocrite. 

"Thank you," said Sanan. 

They sat in awkward silence for a while. Kaoru didn't feel like looking at Sanan, so his eyes flitted over the contents of Sanan's quarters: a well stocked bookshelf, a table with various chemical apparatus, a large and detailed painting taking up most of one of the walls. Everything you could want if you were a well educated man who couldn't leave his building without bringing disaster down upon everyone you cared about.

"How are you going with _Tales of Moonlight and Rain_?" asked Sanan, at last. "Let me know if any of the language confuses you, Ueda does some very clever things with Japanese pronunciation of Chinese words."

Kaoru felt a mixture of gratitude and annoyance. Gratitude that Sanan was trying to lighten the mood, and annoyance that he'd done so in such a condescending way. Just because Kaoru wasn't quite as fluent in Chinese as Sanan didn't mean he was _illiterate_.

"Oh, I finished that one," said Kaoru, pulling it from his kimono and dropping it onto Sanan's desk with a thud. "Now I'm reading this classic of literature instead." He held up the other book he'd brought with him.

Sanan squinted at the text through his glasses. " _The Great Mirror of Male Love_...Yukimura-kun that is _pornography_ written by a _merchant_." Sanan was so vague about his life before the Shinsengumi that Kaoru had sometimes wondered if he might be from a farming family like Hijikata and Kondou. But then he'd say things that made Kaoru feel quite sure he'd been raised as a samurai, and a high-born one at that. Sometimes Kaoru would feel a little self-conscious, being only the daughter of a doctor, but then he remembered that he was actually the heir to an entire clan. Take that, samurai.

"But isn't literature anything more than a hundred years old?" said Kaoru, innocently. "And the poetry of the archaic language is so evocative."

Sanan snatched the book from his hands and flipped to the title page, making humphs of disapproval as his eyes scanned down the list of story titles. "Ah yes, _Fireflies Also Work Their Asses at Night_ , truly no more elegant phrase has been written in all of literature."

Kaoru snickered. "Don't forget _The ABCs of Boy Love_. It's been very educational." He leered at Sanan and Sanan rolled his eyes. 

To be honest, Kaoru hadn't really been enjoying the book: the writing style was entertaining, and the sex scenes were reasonably hot, but there was a lot of emphasis on the inferiority of women, and the unparalleled appeal of certain body parts that Kaoru was notably lacking. But he wasn't going to tell Sanan _that_.

Kaoru wondered if Sanan ever read porn. For a moment Kaoru was distracted by the appealing mental image of Sanan getting off to erotic poetry and telling himself it was all about his appreciation of the metre. Something about Sanan made Kaoru feel sure he had all sorts of weird sexual shit hidden under that polite and formal exterior, though attempts to pry it out just seemed to make him clam up tighter. It was still fun trying, though. Imagining Sanan's facade cracking was kind of hot, too. 

Sanan dropped _The Great Mirror of Male Love_ back into Kaoru's hands with two fingers, like it was covered in dirt. "I apologise if _Tales of Moonlight and Rain_ was too advanced," said Sanan. "I will remember to only suggest more accessible works in future."

"You are such a snob, Sanan-san," said Kaoru, laughing. "And I _said_ I finished _Tales of Moonlight and Rain_. I liked it. I'm sure some of the _clever use of language_ went over my head, but I enjoyed how it combined familiar ghost stories with real historical events." He grinned. "Let me know if you have any other reccomendations for books filled to the brim with death."

"I have some books of military strategy," said Sanan. "They describes deaths by the thousands."

Kaoru laughed, and Sanan smiled. They sat in silence again, but a much more comfortable one.

"Now that you mention it," said Kaoru. "I wouldn't mind some recommendations for books on military strategy. I want to understand the choices that lead to success and failure in battle." It felt like this was a question that was going to become very pressing for the Shinsengumi in the near future. "Although," he added, in a smug drawl, "I suppose your old books may not have much useful to say about modern wars. Anything that doesn't mention guns and cannons is basically obsolete, after all."

Sanan frowned as Kaoru dismissed almost the entirety of Sanan's library and education on the subject. He gave a long suffering sigh. "You delight in tormenting me, don't you Yukimura-kun?"

"Yes," said Kaoru with a smile. "But I am a kind tormentor. Didn't I bring you the latest chapter of _The Story of a Virtuous Young Woman_ a few days past?"

"Only because I instructed you to," said Sanan. "I've seen the sort of trash you would foist on me without guidance."

Kaoru laughed. Whenever Sanan asked him to buy something from a bookseller he liked to find something extra to add, as cheap and low in artistic value as possible. Last time it had been a woodcut about a woman in Usuki who supposedly gave birth to a pig. 

"But isn't the moral of _The Story of a Virtuous Young Woman_ that men have terrible judgement and only women can be trusted to make reasonable decisions?" said Kaoru, who always skimmed the chapters before passing them on. They were actually pretty entertaining, in a moralistic sort of way. "Surely by that logic, it is you who should seek guidance from me."

"Women who fulfil the standards of propriety, perhaps," said Sanan. "I am not convinced that description applies to you." 

"No," said Kaoru cheerfully, "I suppose it doesn't."

* * *

Okita was staring at his reflection in a water trough, trying without much success to get his hair to stay neatly in it's top-knot. 

"Do you want me to help?" asked Chizuru. 

"Can you get it to grow long like yours?" he replied. 

"Sorry," said Chizuru. "Mine just grows like this, I don't do anything special."

"Lucky for some," said Okita. He pointed to Kaoru walking across the courtyard towards them. "Here's Sanan-san and me suffering with hair that won't grow past our shoulders, and then this asshole cuts hers all off. Don't you think that's an insult to your parents?" 

"Your _face_ is an insult to your parents," said Kaoru, with a smile.

"Your face is an insult to _me_ ," said Okita. 

"Honestly, you two, do you have to behave like children?" said Chizuru, though she knew there was as much affection as insult intended by their words. Or at least, she liked to think there was. "And you both have perfectly nice faces."

Okita preened and then said, "Hmm, well, I suppose Kaoru's looks a _little_ like Chizuru's, so it can't be all bad." He flicked Kaoru's fringe with his finger. "Even if this Western haircut makes her look like a man."

Chizuru expected Kaoru to respond to this with another insult, but she just laughed. "Thank you Okita-san," she said. "Now go away, I want to talk to my brother."

"I was just leaving," said Okita. He sighed. "This mess is as good as it's going to get."

"Good-bye Okita-san!" said Chizuru. "Your hair looks great!"

Kaoru scoffed. "You're friends with Okita-san now?" he said. "Honestly, Chizuru, you don't have to like _everyone_."

"You're friends with him too," said Chizuru. "Stop scowling, you know it's true! And I thought he was pretty mean when we met, but I've gotten to know him better now."

Kaoru continued to scowl.

"Anyway," said Chizuru. "I don't like _everyone_."

"Name one person you dislike," said Kaoru.

"Kazama," said Chizuru, happy to be able the question so quickly.

"Pfft. Nobody likes Kazama. Even Shiranui and Amagiri clearly hate him. Name another one."

"Um," said Chizuru. There were plenty of people she was ambivalent about, but once she got to know someone she could usually find at least one thing to like about them. What was wrong with that?

"What about Lord Nagumo," said Kaoru. "Please tell me you hate _him_."

Chizuru's repressed feelings about Lord Nagumo, and the Nagumo in general, threatened to bubble up and engulf her. "I don't...I don't want to say I hate him..." she said. Because then she'd feel like she was being unfair, and start thinking about reasons she _shouldn't_ hate him, and that way lay a spiral of misery she'd rather avoid so early in the morning. "Um. I suppose I..." Chizuru's voice cracked.

"Alright, you don't have to say it," said Kaoru, quickly. "But I'm sure it's not healthy to bottle up all your negative emotions the way you do." 

"Well, what about you?" said Chizuru. "You're never willing to admit you _like_ anyone. That's not good for you either."

"I like you," said Kaoru. "And Kondou. And...Inoue's inoffensive" She gave a smug smile. "As you can see, I'm much better at this than you are at hating people."

"What about Hijikata?" said Chizuru. 

"He's a pain in the ass," said Kaoru. 

Chizuru laughed. "And Sanan?" 

"A creepy weirdo."

"Mmm, yes, you are _very_ good at this," said Chizuru with a grin. 

"Shut up," said Kaoru. "You just keep listing annoying old men, it's not my fault I don't have anything nice to say about them."

It wasn't _Chizuru's_ fault that Kaoru's favourite people all tended to be over 30. And there was no point asking about Okita. But there was one young man who Chizuru _was_ curious to hear Kaoru's opinion on... 

"What about Heisuke, then?" asked Chizuru.

"Why do you care whether I like him?" asked Kaoru with a smug sidelong glance. Uh oh.

"No reason," she said, looking away.

"Are you sure?" asked Kaoru. She was far too clever sometimes, it could be very annoying.

"Answer my question first," said Chizuru, crossing her arms.

Kaoru gave a long sigh. "You can do better," she said, in a bored tone. "He's sweet, if a little stupid, but nothing special."

"Kaoru! He's not stupid! And he's very special! And I..." She felt her face go red.

"You...?" Kaoru smiled smugly.

Chizuru just pouted at Kaoru in annoyance. She could be so mean sometimes.

"Look," said Kaoru. "If you like him so much, he can't be all bad. I suppose. But watching the two of you dance around each other is painful. Just jump him. Nobody cares about the rules on fraternisation, especially since you're not technically a member of the Shinsengumi."

Chizuru was so embarrassed she could barely speak. "I'm not going to...I don't want to...we're just friends!"

"Of course," said Kaoru. "Friends who want to fu-"

"Mmmm!!!" Unable to express herself in words, Chizuru slapped Kaoru a bunch of times on the shoulder, as lightly as she could but with enough emotion to make it clear she wanted Kaoru to stop talking _right now_. So Kaoru did, and just laughed gleefully.

"Now who has trouble being honest about their feelings?" said Kaoru, when she had finished laughing.

"I hate you," said Chizuru.

Kaoru gave her a condescending pat on the head. "That's better."

* * *

Heisuke and Chizuru were beating the pants off Nagakura and Harada at a snowball fight. Well, more accurately, _Chizuru_ was beating the pants off them, and Heisuke was helping. They'd formed an efficient team, Heisuke making the snowballs and Chizuru throwing them, and every time their hands touched they blushed.

"Sickeningly adorable isn't it?" said Okita. He sidled up to Kaoru, who'd been watching the fight for a while. Kaoru still hadn't decided if he approved of Heisuke. He was completely devoted to Chizuru, which was a point in his favour, but he was such a milquetoast. Kaoru wasn't sure who would be a good enough match for Chizuru, but surely the heir to the Yukimura clan could do better than some especially weak-ass human.

But that didn't mean Okita was allowed to express any opinion on the subject.

"Not as sickening as your stink," said Kaoru.

Okita laughed, but then started to cough. He'd been doing that a lot lately, always coming down with some cold or whatever. 

"What's the matter, Okita-san?" said Kaoru. "Don't tell me you've caught tuberculosis. It'll really upset Kondou when he has to bury your emaciated corpse."

For just a moment, a look of misery and terror flashed over Okita's face. Then he gave Kaoru a mocking smile. "Sorry, Kaoru-chan, I was just choking on your stench."

What the hell. He hadn't even bothered coming up with his own insult. Kaoru was struck by exactly how long it had been since he'd last seen Okita entirely well, and how much thinner he was now than he had been when they met.

"Okita-san," said Kaoru. " _Please_ tell me you don't have tuberculosis."

"Fine," said Okita, frowning. "I don't have tuberculosis." He looked away. "And if you tell anyone I do, I'll kill you."

"Fuck," said Kaoru.

"Shouldn't you be overjoyed?" said Okita. "You'll finally have Kondou-san all to yourself."

"Ha," said Kaoru. "All to myself. After Hijikata, and Kondou's wife, and his daughter, and the rest of the Shinsengumi..."

Okita snickered. "When you put it like that, I'm surprised you'll even notice I'm gone. It's not like we're friends or something."

"I'm not going to miss you," said Kaoru, which was a blatant lie. Okita was an asshole, but he was interesting to be around, which was more than could be said for most people. "But Kondou will. Why aren't you taking better care of yourself? You're still out there doing patrols when you should be resting. You're standing out here in the _snow_." Kodo had treated a number of people with tuberculosis back in the day, and sometimes gotten Kaoru to help with their treatment. It had been incredibly depressing, and left Kaoru with a lasting knowledge of exactly how important it was for people with the illness to look after themselves. 

"Ugh, you sound like Chizuru-kun," said Okita. So Chizuru knew already, huh? Maybe he was capable of keeping secrets after all. "You want me to huddle in my room like an invalid? Maybe move to somewhere _safe_? I'm the sword of the Shinsengumi. For as long as I'm able to, I'm going to kill anyone who threatens the Shinsengumi, and defend Kondou. And when I can't do that any more, I might as well be dead, so who cares."

"That's messed up," said Kaoru. He liked Kondou a lot, but found the self sacrificing way Okita expressed his own affection for Kondou pretty alien. Alien, but not his place to judge. "But ok. I still think you should go inside now, though. Unless you're defending Kondou from snowballs."

"You almost sound like you care," said Okita, smiling. 

"I grew up in a doctor's surgery," said Kaoru. "Sometimes these things just come out by instinct. Don't take it personally."

Okita made a sound somewhere between a laugh and a cough. "Maybe I will go inside," he said. "I don't want to be here when Hijikata notices the holes they've made in the walls."

"That is a very good point," said Kaoru. 

"And Kaoru-chan," said Okita. "Thanks. Take care of Kondou for me when I'm gone, will you?"

"I'm no sword of the Shinsengumi," said Kaoru. "But I'll do my best."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Tales of Moonlight and Rain" and "The Great Mirror of Male Love" are real books that I have absolutely not read, so my descriptions may be off. I made up "The Story of a Virtuous Young Woman", since it was too hard to find anything that was in the process of being published in instalments around the end of 1866. But it's vaguely based on [The Story of Hero Boys and Hero Girls](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ern%C3%BC_Yingxiong_Zhuan). I chose a Chinese book because I was going to have a thing about Kaoru having to buy Sanan's books because Chizuru doesn't speak Chinese, but it didn't come up.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been trying to avoid including any unaltered canon conversations, but for this chapter there were a couple of key Chizuru/Heisuke moments that were too central to their relationship to skip and too perfect as they were to alter very much.

To begin with, Chizuru hadn't understood why anyone would want to be an Imperialist. They said they revered the Emperor, but didn't everyone? It was the Shinsengumi who'd defended the Emperor against the Choshu, after all, and she'd never seen the slightest disrespect towards the Emperor from any of them, or from anyone else who supported the Shogun. And the Shogunate had existed for hundreds of years, so how could anyone who opposed it claim to be a supporter of tradition?

But even amongst the Shinsengumi, who had dedicated their lives to defending the Shogun, there were rumblings of dissent. Over time Chizuru began to understand what it was about the Shogunate that caused so many to want to bring it down, even at the cost of two centuries of peace. Heisuke in particular had become increasingly unhappy with his role as a defender of an institution he couldn't respect, and as much as it pained her to question the role of the Shinsengumi, she could understand his concerns. 

The Shogunate was corrupt, and inefficient. And it was the Shogunate who had forced the Shinsengumi to experiment on their own men to create the Furies. How many other horrors had the Shogun's orders created, in dark places the Shinsengumi hadn't seen? 

And although Chizuru hadn't spoken to Sakamoto in years, she heard his name more and more often, and was increasingly aware of his role in supporting the Imperialist cause. First he'd somehow brokered a peace between the Choshu and the Satsuma. Then he'd armed the resulting force with foreign weapons, creating a formidable military force that threatened to overpower the Imperial Army if the two groups ever came to war. The Shinsengumi generally hated him, of course. Even Heisuke didn't approve of his actions, he thought Sakamoto was too quick to change allegiances, and was motivated purely by self interest and a desire for profit. Chizuru hadn't even told Kaoru that the man who armed their enemies was the friend who'd brought her to Kyoto, it was all too strange and hard to explain.

But Chizuru still remembered the way Sakamoto used to talk about creating a better, fairer, stronger Japan. Even if his way of going about it was wrong, she believed him to be sincere in his desire to do what was best for the country. And he was an intelligent, capable man, even the Shinsengumi had to admit that. 

Even Itou, in his way, probably thought what he was doing was right.

So Chizuru could understand why someone might be an Imperialist. She could understand why a good man might be opposed to the Shinsengumi's actions, and feel it was wrong to be a member.

She just didn't want to accept that this meant Heisuke had to leave them, and that she might never see him again.

Heisuke looked so sad. How long had he been thinking about this, how long had he known he had to choose between staying with his friends and following what he felt was right? Looking back, Chizuru could remember many times over the last few months where he'd seemed melancholy or pensive. 

"I just want you to know," he said. "This doesn't mean I don't care about...about everyone."

"I know," said Chizuru, trying not to cry. "I just...I just wanted to stay with you longer, Heisuke."

Only yesterday she'd been thinking about how the seasons were changing, and how nice it would be to go walking with Heisuke in the sunshine along the river. There were so many things she'd thought she'd get to share with him, not knowing their future was about to be cut so short.

"Thanks," said Heisuke, his voice soft and sad. "It's nice to know you feel that way. I'm going to be sad to leave you too." He sighed. "But...you understand, right? This is something I have to do as a man."

She wanted to tell him to stay. She wanted to say that if being a man meant you had to leave all your friends for some abstract political principle, then maybe it would be better to be something else. But it was hard enough for Heisuke without her burdening him with her feelings. 

"I understand," said Chizuru. 

They shared a bittersweet smile, and Chizuru wondered if it would be the last they would ever share. She shivered, and cherry blossoms flew away above them in the cool spring breeze.

* * *

Kaoru had always known a demon would come to take him away one day. He just hadn't ever thought it might be a woman.

Sen wasn't the first to try, of course. There was the Nagumo, and then that bastard Kazama. But she was the first to come close to succeeding. Not because she was stronger, or more determined, but because she was the first to make any effort to make their offer appealing.

"Chizuru-kun would be welcome, too, of course," said Sen. "He'd be a fine addition to our village."

Chizuru tried to look grateful, but seemed to find the idea of moving back to a demon village unpleasant, even one run by a seemingly sweet-natured princess.

The key word being _seemingly._

"Did you set up Chizuru rescuing you?" asked Kaoru. "It was awfully convenient you meeting that way."

"Set it up?" said Sen, her eyes wide in an expression of innocent surprise. "How would I even have... No, it was pure coincidence. I didn't even realise Chizuru-kun was a demon until he told me his name." 

"There are plenty of humans with the name Yukimura," said Kaoru.

"Yes," said Sen, "But I had Kimigiku look into his history. It was then that I learned he had a sister, and knew I had to get to know you both, and make sure you were kept safe."

"How do I know you're not working for Kazama?" 

Sen blinked. "I...I suppose you don't? Not if you're unaware of the relationships between the different demon clans. But the Kazama do not control the Yase, as much as they might like to. And I am the tool of _no-one_ , least of all a man trying to force some woman to marry him." She reached out to take Kaoru's hand. "I know exactly what it's like to be a demon woman, Kaoru-chan. I'm not of pure blood like you, but it has been a constant struggle to receive any respect as head of my clan. I swear to you, I would never betray you to a man like Kazama."

She certainly _sounded_ sincere. But it was very easy to sound sincere.

"Hmm," said Kaoru.

"And you're sure you can keep Kaoru safe?" said Chizuru, who of course trusted Sen completely. "The Shinsengumi have succeeded thus far, I know they're only humans but they're very competent warriors."

"Only humans?" said Hijikata. "Is that what you've been thinking about us this whole time, Chizuru?" 

"No?" said Chizuru. "I think you're all amazing. You're certainly all better warriors than me, even with my advantages."

"No offence, Princess," said Hijikata. "But isn't it only male demons who are strong? How would you be any better at defending against Kazama than we mere human men?"

"Demon women are not _generally_ very strong," said Sen. "But it's no more true that every demon man is strong and every demon woman is weak than it's true that every human man is tall and every human woman is short. Kimigiku and I have both beaten many demon men in combat."

_How nice for you_ , thought Kaoru, bitterly. Whenever he'd felt frustrated at his own weakness in the past, he'd reminded himself that he was only a woman, and that _for_ a woman he was strong, and had transcended the usual feminine weaknesses like vanity and emotional vulnerability.

Sen and Kimigiku looked and acted just like the kind of demon woman Kaoru had been so proud of himself for not becoming, with their soft voices and made-up faces and polite self deprecation. Kaoru pretended to be that sort of woman sometimes, when it suited him, but it was not all he was, and he'd thought that had made him stronger.

Except that Sen and Kimigiku were stronger than him. They were here to _protect_ him. So what exactly did that say about Kaoru?

"To answer your question, Chizuru-kun," said Sen, "Yes, I am sure I can protect Kaoru-chan. And I mean no disrespect to the Shinsengumi when I say that they cannot. They have only succeeded so far because Kazama has made no serious attempt to steal her." She gave a small smile to Hijikata. "If it makes you feel more reassured, there are many demon men in my village who would also be aiding in Kaoru's defence."

What did it do to Chizuru's manly pride to see women like Sen demonstrate the sort of warrior's spirit that he lacked? Did Chizuru even have manly pride? He certainly hated being a burden, but his mind worked in unusual ways that Kaoru found hard to understand sometimes. 

Kaoru decided not to go with Sen, in the end, and had many logical reasons he used to justify it to himself. But sometimes he wondered if his response would have been different if Sen was a man.

* * *

"Are you really sure I should be the one doing this?" said Chizuru. "You're a lot better at, um..." _lying_ "...acting than I am."

"Definitely," said Kaoru, through a mouthful of pins. "I was dubious at first, but I discussed it with Hijikata, and he convinced me." She twisted a loop of Chizuru's hair and pinned it in place. "After all, you're the one whose hair is long enough to pass as a girl."

"Yes but it was my idea to dress as a girl in the first place," said Chizuru. "Hijikata-san just said I had to look different." She'd been terrified to suggest it, sure he'd laugh or worse. But the possibility was so enticing she hadn't been able to resist, and after a brief moment of surprise he'd agreed it was certainly an effective way to change her appearance. 

And now she was in a pretty silk kimono, with her hair up in an elegant bun, and she truly felt like herself for the first time in over three years. She hadn't realised how much she'd missed this, there had been so many ways her life had gotten better since she left the Nagumo that it had been easy to miss the one way it had gotten worse.

Of course tomorrow she'd have to go back to dressing like a man. But that was tomorrow's problem. For now she was going to enjoy today.

"It was a clever idea," said Kaoru. "Nobody's going to recognise you like this. But you're about to learn a harsh lesson about how annoying women's clothing is. And makeup! Ugh, it always feels like your face is dirty."

"Actually I like it," said Chizuru, admiring herself in the mirror. "I feel like...like all my features look a little bit more vibrant, like I'm a painting."

"Better you than me," said Kaoru. 

"Considering how much you hate all this girly stuff, you're doing a great job," said Chizuru. "You've made me feel really pretty. Um. If that isn't a weird thing to say." 

"You _are_ pretty," said Kaoru. "Just because I hate doing something doesn't mean I'm not going to get good at it. I used to have to dress like this all the time, I got a lot of practice." She gave a happy sigh. "But never again."

"Never?" said Chizuru in surprise. "I mean, if you don't want to, then...that's totally fine." She couldn't understand never wanting to look this nice. There were a lot of practical benefits to dressing like a man, but it didn't feel _good_ the way this did. But Kaoru was a very different person to Chizuru.

Kaoru shrugged. "Anyway, I kind of like it for you. You'll have a chance to know what it's like to be a woman for a day! Every man should have to deal with that, even if it's just once."

"Is it...difficult, being a woman, then?"

"You have no idea!" said Kaoru. "Men always think they know better than you, and women expect you to think the same as them, and everyone expects you to be polite and passive and not complain when they treat you like garbage. And nothing you ever do is good enough! You're too loud, too opinionated, too _much_."

_As opposed to always being told I'm never enough_ , thought Chizuru. But if there was one thing Chizuru had learned about being a man, it was that you were never, ever allowed to say you wanted to be anything else.

The rules for women were different in this respect, though, and Kaoru seemed to be enjoying getting her annoyance off her chest. "And if you're a _demon_ woman, well," she continued. "You've seen what that's like."

Chizuru shuddered, remembering. "Yes, it's terrible," she said. "The way...the way you're treated."

"Right, the Nagumo were especially disgusting about that sort of thing, weren't they?" said Kaoru. "I bet you were glad you were a boy."

"Mmm," said Chizuru. She looked away, unable to meet Kaoru's eyes in the mirror.

"Ah," said Kaoru, noticing her shift in mood. "Did they resent you not being a girl? That was probably horrible too, then...Sorry, I know you don't like to talk about the Nagumo. I shouldn't have brought it up." She gently patted Chizuru's head, smoothing out her hair.

"No," said Chizuru. "I...I probably should talk about it. Um." She took a deep breath. She hadn't told anyone since Sakamoto, and she'd only told him because it had been unavoidable. It had been easier to hide her feelings and bad memories deep down in her mind than to deal with the horrible way they made her feel. Especially when other people had so much trouble understanding what she wanted to express. But maybe it was time to start trying anyway. "This actually reminds me, a little. Because they, uh. Made me dress as a girl sometimes. And pretend to be one."

Kaoru's hands stilled. "What?"

Chizuru kept talking, not wanting to lose her nerve. "You...you know how demons are about pure blooded girls. They could show me off as a sort of status symbol. It wasn't that bad, at least they couldn't make me marry anyone, because then he'd know...know I was a fake."

"I'm going to murder them," said Kaoru, her eyes bright with anger. "I'm going to go down to Tosa and cut out every one one of those bastard's hearts and make them eat their own eyeballs."

Chizuru laughed nervously. "Kaoru..."

Kaoru looked down at Chizuru's outfit, and at her made-up face. "Are you sure you want to do this, then?" she said. "It's bad enough being made to dress like a girl when you are one. But it must have been excruciating for you as a man."

Chizuru shook her head. "I...didn't actually hate that part. I didn't like being _made_ to be a girl, but mostly because of all the...the other things you were complaining about." How could she explain it so Kaoru would understand, at least a little bit? "I don't have to be a _proper_ girl today, I just have to pretend not to be _me_. It's actually a little fun."

"I suppose I can understand that," said Kaoru. "I like pretending not to be me, sometimes." She idly tucked a loose lock of hair into place. "Well, if you want to be a girl today, you're going to be the prettiest girl in Kyoto."

"Isn't that you?" said Chizuru, with a smile.

"No," said Kaoru, her expression serious. "It is most _definitely_ you."

Yamazaki and Shimada led Chizuru to the lookout location, seemingly untroubled by her feminine transformation. She wondered if they had ever dressed as women during their spy work. After all, they'd been the ones who'd provided the kimono.

She also wondered how much of their spy work consisted of sitting in a tea shop eating dumplings. She'd always gotten the impression it generally involved more rooftops and gloomy alleyways. But she was hardly going to complain.

And then she heard the voice that had been haunting her thoughts for six months. 

It was Heisuke. He was here. She froze, torn between wanting him to notice her and not wanting him to see. Even asides from not knowing how he'd react to seeing her dressed as a woman, the Shinsengumi were forbidden to speak to anyone from the Guardians of the Imperial Tomb, and both of them could be in serious trouble if they were seen together.

She'd thought about him every day, wondering what he was doing, hoping he was alright. And it seemed things weren't going so well. Some other members of the Guardians of the Imperial Tomb were questioning his loyalty, and it sounded like this was a regular event.

_How dare you_ , she thought, angrily. _He left his friends for you, broke his promises to the Shinsengumi, and now you dare question his loyalty?_ She was so busy feeling outraged on Heisuke's behalf that she almost didn't realise he was about to sit next to her.

She didn't quite manage to stifle a gasp, and he turned to look at her, his eyes friendly but entirely devoid of recognition.

"Hmm? What's wrong ma'am?" he said. _He'd called her ma'am_. She tried to brush off his question and he was in the process of taking offence at her rudeness when he suddenly stopped and stared at her with an expression of intense, overwhelming surprise.

"Wait, you..." he stammered. "Sorry, I, uh..." His face went pink.

"What's wrong, sir?" she said, charmed by his reaction.

"Nothing," he said, looking away. "I was just stunned by...by your beautiful face. I mean, um. Sorry."

_Thank you, Kaoru_ , thought Chizuru. He really knew it was her? And thought she was _beautiful?_

She probably shouldn't say she thought he was handsome, that would seem a little odd from a woman he'd just met. But he was, she'd found his features a little sharp at first but now just looking at his face made her whole body feel warm.

"Thank you," she said. "I like compliments."

"I-I see," he said. "Well, that's good then."

They couldn't express themselves freely. It was impossible to know if they were being listened to. Instead they hid the things they really wanted to say in amongst the sort of conversation you might expect between a man and a woman meeting by chance in a tea shop. Heisuke bought her some dumplings and she asked how he was coping with the weather, and she thought about what it would be like to be the kind of girl who could chat with a man like this and have it all be real. 

It was painful to have to make their goodbyes, pretending they were only strangers. Chizuru had to stop herself from bursting into tears.

"Maybe fate will let us meet again some day," he said, his voice soft and kind. And then he walked away.

She floated on bittersweet thoughts for the whole walk back to Kondou's house. How kind everyone was, setting up this chance for her and Heisuke to meet. How sad, though, that she would probably never see him again. Yamazaki tried to pretend it was just an ordinary mission when she thanked him, but Shimada confirmed that Hijikata had wanted to cheer her up. And he had, for all that her heart ached with every step that took her further away from Heisuke.

They were nearly at Kondou's house when they bumped into Harada and Nagakura on the street. Yamazaki frowned at their greeting, and rushed the five of them inside before anyone following could see, and realise Chizuru was connected to the Shinsengumi.

"Whoa, Kaoru," said Nagakura. "Nice wig! Why are you dressed up like that though?"

"You dumbass," said Harada. "That's Chizuru. You've known them this long and you can't tell the difference?"

Nagakura gaped at her. "Chizuru?" he asked, his voice a little weak. 

"...yeah," said Chizuru. "Hijikata-san got me to go in disguise for a mission."

"Well that is a _really good disguise!_ " said Nagakura. "You look...very different!"

Harada snickered. "I think he's not sure how to deal with what a cute girl you make," he said. 

"Eh heh heh," said Nagakura, blushing slightly. "Maybe. Not that it's bad or anything. Cute is cute, right?"

"Yeah," said Harada, with a smile. "And you look pretty cute, Chizuru." By Harada's standards this barely counted as flirtation, but it still felt odd to have him flirt with her. Flattering, but odd. 

"Oh," said Chizuru. "Um. Thank you. But I thought...I mean isn't it weird that I'm a guy?" 

"It'd be weird for _me_ to be dressed like that," said Harada. "But...I mean, no offence, Chizuru, but I've never really seen you as manly. Never really got the impression you wanted to be seen that way, either."

"N-not really, no." said Chizuru. Was that an ok thing to admit?

"So there you go, then," said Harada. "I mean, speaking for myself, I'm more into women. But I can still appreciate when a guy is pretty."

This gave her the confidence to ask a question that had long puzzled her about human society. "So why do _you_ care about being manly?" she asked. There was only one way to be a proper demon man, but humans seemed to have a more complex system, and she had never quite managed to figure out where to fit herself into it. 

Harada stared at her for a second. "Uh," he said, wincing slightly. "Well I mean...not that there's anything _wrong_ with not being manly..."

"I mean, you gotta be manly to be a warrior, right?" said Nagakura. "No-one's going to follow your orders or be scared of you in battle if they think you're not a real man. Not that you're _not_ a man, Chizuru, but you're not, uh...ahahaha." He trailed off into awkward laughter.

"It's like there are men and women, you know?" said Harada. "There's manly guys and then there's, uh, guys like you. And they're all good things to be, just different."

"Thank you," said Chizuru. "I think I understand." 

Demons saw women and men as two very distinct groups: the few who could bear children, and the rest who could not. But for humans, where half the population could bear children, it seemed to be more about what role you played. If a man was beautiful, and young, and feminine, then he could play the role of a woman, and be treated the same as those who were women through and through. 

Of course, as Kaoru would happily remind Chizuru, the way women were treated was generally _terrible_. And from what Chizuru had seen, the way feminine men were treated was no better. But at least it wasn't any worse, and it was an accepted thing to be. For a man like Harada or Nagakura, being treated like that would feel like an insult. But for someone like Chizuru, it felt like something close to truth.

Maybe it wasn't so terrible for her to want to dress this way. And maybe Heisuke had really meant it when he said she was beautiful.

"Thank you," she said. "I need to get changed and go back to headquarters now. But...it was nice to feel cute." 

After she closed the door behind them she could still hear a little of their conversation.

"Man, it really is a pity I'm not into guys," said Harada. "If you put Chizuru's personality into Kaoru's body you'd have the perfect woman."

"I guess?" said Nagakura. "Chizuru's a buddy, he might be kind of girly but it's still weird to think of him that way." He laughed. "Also, can you imagine Kaoru with Chizuru's strength? We would have all been murdered in seconds."

"Speak for yourself," said Harada. "See, the thing with fighting demons is..." Their voices faded as they walked away.

_Men_ , thought Chizuru, with a sigh. And then she pulled out her pins and started transforming herself back into one. 

"So, how did it feel, Yukimura?" asked Hijikata. "Enjoy being an honorary member of the Watch?"

"Very much," said Chizuru. "I. Um. Wouldn't mind helping out that way again, if it would be helpful to the Shinsengumi."

He gave her a sad smile. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm glad you were able to see Heisuke, but we can't send you there again. The Guardians of the Imperial Tomb might notice you were the same person."

"Oh," said Chizuru. "I didn't mean...that is, I would very much like to see Heisuke again. But I also wouldn't mind helping the Watch, even if it was under other circumstances. I...I liked it."

"I see!" said Hijikata. "I suppose it would be something you could do that wouldn't require fighting. Are you much of an actor, Yukimura?"

"Not really," said Chizuru. "But I'm good at being quiet, so that nobody notices me. And I'm, um..." She tried to keep her voice steady. "...good at passing as a woman."

"So I heard," he said. "That _would _be useful sometimes. I asked Kaoru once if she'd be interested in helping out and she..." He snorted. "She made it _very_ clear that she wasn't." He looked at Chizuru thoughtfully. "Is that something you'd be especially interested in, Yukimura? Dressing as a woman?__

__She froze._ _

__"It's a respected form of acting after all," he said. "And as I said, there are times when it would be useful."_ _

__"Mmm," said Chizuru. She couldn't meet his eye._ _

__"Look, Yukimura," said Hijikata. He stopped and sighed, trying to gather his thoughts. "I don't care about any of that shit, ok? A lot of people do, I won't lie to you. You're going to have to keep dressing like a guy around headquarters, because otherwise some dumbass will expect you to be his bitch and then you'd feel bad for having to kick his ass. But the way I see it, it doesn't matter what you are. It just matters what you do. And as long as you keep obeying my orders, I don't care if you want to paint yourself green and wear a tiger-skin loincloth."_ _

__Chizuru laughed. Human ideas about demons were all so _bizarre_. And her heart felt light, to have one of the people she most respected be so comfortable with her dressing the way she wanted to dress. She smiled, and bowed. "Thank you, Hijikata-san," she said. "Then I await your orders."_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am having some serious imposter syndrome about my understanding of gender, sexuality and politics in this era so have just been telling myself IT'S AN AU. In my defence, the game started it.


	7. Chapter 7

"I feel like I'm becoming a lady's maid," said Kaoru, as she looked over Chizuru's shoulder at herself in the mirror. It was strange how similar they looked next to each other, and yet so different.

"Sorry," said Chizuru. "I know you don't enjoy this sort of thing. I could probably manage by myself." 

"I don't enjoy dressing up this way myself," said Kaoru, "But dressing you up is fun. You always look so happy. And I'd much rather be the maid than the lady." She straightened the glittering comb at the top of Chizuru's elaborate bun. "So what's the mission? You're obviously not a servant today."

"No mission," said Chizuru. "I just told Sen about the work I've been doing for the Watch and she said she wanted to see me all dressed up, and take me out to tea."

"And you didn't invite me?" asked Kaoru, pouting.

Chizuru felt overcome with guilt. "Oh, um..." 

"I'm just kidding," said Kaoru. "Sen's alright, but I don't get along with her like you do." 

Sen had very kindly tried to befriend Kaoru, working on the assumption that any girl surrounded by so many men must be in need of a female friend. But they had very little in common, and after the first time Kaoru had insisted Chizuru come along to fill the silence. Which she had: while Chizuru sometimes felt anxious in social situations she found it very easy to talk to Sen, and they'd quickly formed the sort of friendship Sen had expected to form with Kaoru. Neither Sen nor Kaoru seemed to have a problem with this, and Chizuru found that she really liked having a female friend. Two friends, really: Sen's bodyguard Kimigiku was a little quiet, but had a subtle humour and intelligence that meant the few things she said were always worthwhile. 

And now Chizuru could spend time with those friends as a woman. Or at least, while dressed as one. She sighed.

"Kaoru," she asked. "When you're dressed as a man...do you sometimes forget you're a woman?"

Kaoru stared at her. "Um," she said. "I...don't know that I forget exactly."

"Sorry," said Chizuru. "I know people give you a lot of trouble for not being a 'proper' girl, I didn't mean it as a criticism. Of course you're a still a girl when you're dressing like a man."

"...right," said Kaoru. "Of course." She was quiet for a while. "I do...do want to come across as a man. Not as a girl just pretending. So I try to think like a man." She paused. "Well, what I think one thinks like. I suppose I can't ever really know if what I'm thinking is right."

"Does it feel weird?" asked Chizuru.

"Sometimes," said Kaoru. "It's not bad, though. Is it the same for you when you're dressed as a woman?"

"No," said Chizuru. "Not when I'm dressed like a woman. Then I just feel like myself."

They sat for a while in silence. Chizuru decided to be brave. "When I'm dressed like a man," she said "...I don't...don't feel like myself. As much."

"Oh," said Kaoru. Did she understand? "Well, that's not uncommon, is it? If I've learned one thing from, uh, romantic literature, it's that many young men like dressing like women."

Chizuru was aware of the sort of stories Kaoru was talking about, tales of manly older men and the pretty young boys they found pleasure with. She'd tried reading some herself, but the mixture of recognition, alienation, and embarrassment had gotten too much to bear.

"It's not like that," said Chizuru, though maybe it was. She was attracted to men, after all, if not generally much older ones. But those pretty young boys were expected to grow into manly older men themselves, leaving their feminine ways behind and finding wives and concubines and pretty young boys of their own. She didn't think she wanted that. And she wasn't sure she wanted to be a pretty young _boy_ now.

"Sorry," said Kaoru. "I wasn't trying to make fun of you, brother. If dressing this way makes you feel more like yourself, then you should do it." She squeezed Chizuru's shoulders. 

"Oh," said Chizuru. "Thank you, Kaoru."

Kaoru smiled. "It's not like I haven't been cross-dressing every day for three years."

Chizuru laughed. "True. It's not quite the same though." Kaoru had been forced to dress like a man for safety. Dressing like a woman made Chizuru significantly _less_ safe, it was something she only did because she wanted to. 

"It doesn't seem so different to me," muttered Kaoru. 

"Oh," said Chizuru, slowly. She remembered all the times Kaoru had expressed relief about not having to dress like a woman any more. Maybe it wasn't _just_ about safety. "Kaoru," she asked, trying to keep her voice as light and untroubled as she could, "Does dressing like a man make you feel more like yourself?" 

Kaoru looked away. "I don't know," she said. "I suppose. Anyway, it's practical."

"True," said Chizuru. "Hijikata said I should keep dressing like a man around headquarters, and he's right. The men already don't take me seriously and wonder why I'm allowed to stay. Even if they knew I wasn't really a woman, it would get awkward." 

"Ha," said Kaoru. She sighed. "Sorry, yes. I hadn't thought about be frustrating it would be if _wanted_ to wear women's clothes. But...I'm sorry you can't dress the way you want all the time."

"I don't really mind," said Chizuru. "As long as I get to dress up sometimes. I'm glad you get to dress the way you like."

Kaoru shrugged. "It's of no real consequence. Let's talk about something else." 

It was nice to know that Kaoru accepted the way Chizuru liked to dress. She could leave it there. That's where she'd left it with Hijikata, who seemed happy to view Chizuru as just another one of his men with an unusual quirk, like Nagakura liking to show off his chest. 

But she wanted Kaoru to _understand_ her, not just accept the way she looked. 

"Kaoru," she said. "Before we change the subject...I...sometimes I think that...I might like if..." She lost her nerve, and trailed off. "Never mind. It's not important. We should keep getting ready, I don't want to be late."

"Chizuru," said Kaoru. "You never ask for anything. Whatever it is, say it."

"But it's so strange!" Chizuru covered her face in her hands, unable to look at either of them any more.

"Is it stranger than craving blood?" said Kaoru. "Or being a demon girl who lives amongst humans while dressed as a man? My standards for _too strange_ are quite high."

Chizuru thought about it. "I'm not sure," she said, unsteadily.

"Oh, then you have to tell me," said Kaoru, laughing. "I like whatever it is already."

Chizuru laughed awkwardly. Kaoru would understand. She could do this. "Would it be...you don't have to. But would it be...too strange, if I..." She took a deep breath. "If I asked you to call me...sister?"

"Sister?" said Kaoru, surprised. Oh no, even she thought it was ridiculous.

"Sorry," said Chizuru. "I know, it's too strange isn't it? I'm your brother. Just your brother. I like being your brother! I'm sorry."

"Sister," said Kaoru, again, not as a question this time, but as if she was trying the word out for size. "I...yes, I can call you that, if you like, Chizuru. As long as you're my family, I don't really care about anything else."

"Really? Are you sure?"

"Yes, sister," said Kaoru. She laughed. "It feels strangely right. My cute little sister Chizuru." She gave Chizuru a hug. "How do you feel, little sister?"

Chizuru laughed, loudly this time, with relief and affection. She hugged Kaoru back. "Happy."

* * *

Kaoru sat next to his sister, eating snacks under a tree, and pondered how he felt about the fact that he had a sister now, instead of a brother.

As he'd said to Chizuru, all that really mattered was that she was family, and in that respect nothing had changed. And he'd adjusted to the idea of Chizuru being a woman much more quickly than he would have expected. It helped that she'd always been so visibly joyful every time she got to dress up in the sort of girly way Kaoru hated for himself, but there was also her personality and the way she talked and even her name. She was, he'd now realised, the girliest girl he'd ever met, and it felt a little jarring every time he remembered other people still didn't see her that way. 

What was taking a little more adjustment was the general concept that such a change was possible. That you could just _decide_ to be a different gender to the one you were born as. Could _Kaoru_ do that? Did he want to? There were things about being a woman that he liked, or was at least accustomed to. But the idea of being a man, being seen as one by everyone, not just those he'd fooled with clothes and a gruff voice...it was going to need some serious thinking. 

Except of course it wouldn't be everyone, would it? 

"Does it bother you, most people still thinking of you as a man?"

Chizuru gave a small nod. "Yes," she said. "But I'm glad you know, at least. And I think...I think I will tell people. Some people. I'm not sure they will all understand, but...it's worth it to try." She smiled. "Everyone has been so kind about the way I like to dress. I was so afraid for so long...perhaps I have just been worrying over nothing."

"No," said Kaoru. "You weren't worrying over nothing. Most people are bastards. But...I suppose you were lucky. And I'm glad."

"Me too," said Chizuru. She looked so happy. Could he ever be that happy too?

Kaoru opened his mouth and was overcome by terror. But was he really going to let his sister be braver than he was? 

He took a deep breath, and willed himself express the thoughts he'd barely been able to speak honestly inside his own mind.

"I think I might be a man," said Kaoru. "Or...at least I want...I don't know." He frowned and kicked his foot at the dirt. "Maybe I'm just sick of being treated like a woman."

"Oh my goodness," said Chizuru, her voice high and excited. "I..." She grasped his hand. "If you want me to call you brother, or a different name, or _anything_ I will do it gladly."

"I know," he said, feeling overcome with relief and gratitude. Maybe he could do this. "Thank you. I just..."

And then _Harada fucking Sanosuke_ decided to stick his nose where it wasn't wanted. Kaoru pushed all his tender, difficult emotions back in their box and put back on his mental armour. Until meeting Chizuru, Kaoru hadn't realised how much of this armour there was, how much of himself he hid away out of fear of being hurt or misunderstood. He kind of liked that he was learning to remove this armour piece by piece, and actually be sincere with people from time to time.

But there was no way Kaoru was going to let himself show any vulnerability in front of _this_ douchebag.

"Hey," said Harada, flopping himself next to Kaoru and Chizuru with an annoying amount of grace for someone so ridiculously tall. 

"We were _having a private conversation_ ," snapped Kaoru. 

"Sorry," said Harada, with an apologetic smile. "But I gotta ask you guys something."

"Of course," said Chizuru. Which meant Kaoru couldn't tell him to get lost, as much as he wanted to. Kaoru settled for giving Harada a glare, which he blithely ignored.

"You guys spend a lot of time around Sanan," said Harada. "Has he been acting odd lately?"

"I don't think so," said Chizuru.

Kaoru put aside his annoyance and considered Harada's question for a moment, and wondered what was motivating it. 

Some of the other Shinsengumi were clearly uncomfortable with Kaoru spending time in the Fury quarters. Chizuru mainly went there to train, which was hard to argue with, since no-one else could offer her much of a fight. But they seemed worried that Kaoru might be putting himself in unnecessary danger, since even now they didn't entirely trust Sanan not to lose his mind like the other Furies. Admittedly, Kaoru sometimes worried about this himself, but saw it as a good reason to spend time with Sanan while he was still there in his own head. 

Kaoru wasn't the only one who felt this way: Okita, Hijikata, and Kondou all visited Sanan regularly, still seeing him as a person despite the fact that he was no longer human. They all respected Kaoru's friendship with Sanan as well, and his right to decide for himself how much danger he was willing to risk.

But to a man like Harada, Kaoru would always be a girl in need of protection, and nothing more. 

"Odd for Sanan or odd in general?" asked Kaoru.

"Odd for Sanan," said Harada, with a serious expression.

"Ah," said Kaoru. "Then no." 

"Hmm," said Harada. He frowned. "Well, I'd be careful around him."

That was unhelpfully vague and ominous. "Harada-san," said Kaoru, "Are you jealous?"

"Jealous?" said Harada, raising his eyebrows. "No, I just worry about you because you're my friends."

"Really," said Kaoru. "Because it seems to me that ever since we kissed you've acted like you have the right to tell me what to do. I'm not your _girlfriend_."

Chizuru's eyes went very wide. She had somehow remained painfully innocent even now they were out of their teens. Kaoru wondered if she'd still be blushing at the idea of kissing when she was old and grey. 

"Kaoru," said Harada with a thin smile. "I am well aware, and to be honest grateful, that you are not my girlfriend. And there are certain things a man doesn't like to hear about his sister." He turned to Chizuru. "I swear it was just kissing. And it was her idea."

_She's not a man_ , thought Kaoru, irritably, aware that he wasn't being fair. He wondered how Harada would react if Chizuru asked him to call her a woman. Probably do what Chizuru asked but secretly think she was being absurd, that seemed to be his default response to Kaoru.

"But that's wonderful," said Chizuru. "Harada-san, you're a kind and capable man, why wouldn't I want you to be with Kaoru? I didn't realise the two of you were close, but I'm very happy for you."

Kaoru burst into laughter. "Did you hear that, Harada-san? We have Chizuru's blessing. I hope you're ready to become the newest member of the Yukimura demon clan."

Harada's eye twitched as he tried not to scowl at Kaoru. It was always fun when Kaoru could make him angry, since he had a very strong personal rule about not shouting at women. He never shouted at Chizuru either, but that had less to do with her gender and more to do with her being _Chizuru_. "Kaoru is being...sarcastic," he said. "She and I aren't together, we just...had a moment of shared connection. But then we decided we didn't suit each other romantically, and are better as friends." He bowed deeply. "I meant no disrespect to Kaoru, or your clan." 

That was a very pretty way to describe Kaoru approaching Harada a few times when she was bored, and then getting sick of being treated like A Girl. But he'd been decent enough about it, and a competent kisser, so Kaoru decided to be nice and not take issue with Harada's version of events. 

"Yes, that's about what happened," said Kaoru.

"Oh," said Chizuru. "Well, if you're both happy with the way things are, I suppose I'm still happy for you. I don't think I should be able to say who Kaoru can and can't, um, kiss. As long as it's not anyone who's going to hurt Kaoru. And I know you're always respectful towards, um, your partners, Harada-san."

"I do my best," he said with a smile. And while Kaoru found Harada's placid, paternalistic attitude towards women infuriating, Kaoru had to admit that if he could respond to even Kaoru's behaviour with a charming smile he was certainly committed to it.

"So, now that we've established you're not pining for me: what _is_ your problem with Sanan-san?" asked Kaoru. 

"I'm not sure I should tell you," he said. "It's complicated."

"Then I suppose I'll just wander into Sanan's lair uninformed and unprotected," said Kaoru, "A poor innocent girl who could have been saved if only the big brave men around her were willing to tell the truth."

Harada gave Kaoru an unimpressed stare. Kaoru looked back with puppy-dog eyes, and he sighed. "Fine," he said. "But don't spread this around."

"Of course," said Chizuru.

"Has he ever talked to you about drinking blood?"

Chizuru and Kaoru's eyes met. They'd never told anyone about the night Sanan had to be calmed down by drinking from Kaoru. The Shinsengumi were suspicious enough of Sanan as it was. "Not exactly," said Kaoru. 

"Well, apparently he's gotten it into his head that it's the best way to keep Furies calm and sane," said Harada. "Used to be we tried to keep them away from blood, so they wouldn't enter bloodlust. Now when they do their rounds all these dead ronin turn up, chopped to pieces and drained of blood."

"Oh no," said Chizuru. 

"Why does it matter?" asked Kaoru, "They were going to be killed anyway."

Harada's lips thinned. "That's not how the Shinsengumi is supposed to operate," he said. "And it's not the actual problem. Recently, it hasn't just been ronin who have been turning up dead. It's been civilians. Including women and children."

"And you think Sanan-san is responsible?" said Chizuru. "I don't believe it! He wouldn't do that!"

If Chizuru wasn't so obviously still in love with Heisuke, Kaoru might have been jealous. Not that Kaoru had any claim over Sanan, or could even classify his feelings neatly, but that didn't stop him feeling possessive. But no, Chizuru was like this with everyone she cared about, and she cared about so many people Kaoru had lost track. Sometimes he felt a little jealous about _that_. 

"I'm not saying he's directly responsible," said Harada. "Sanan-san's a good man. But it seems like he's not keeping as tight a leash on his Furies as he should be. And maybe he's not as in control of himself as he claims to be, either. So...just be careful, ok?"

"Kaoru," said Chizuru, once Harada had left. "About what you said before..."

Right. About _being a man_. Simply saying the words had made him feel raw, and he felt like he needed time to heal before he could discuss it again. "We can discuss that later," he said, trying to sound blunt and practical instead of confused and afraid. "I'm more concerned about what Harada-san said about Sanan-san." 

Chizuru nodded. "Well let me know if you ever want to talk about it." 

"Mmm," said Kaoru. 

"Ok, then," said Chizuru gently. "So what do you think about Sanan-san?" She sighed. "I don't want to suspect him. But...he really isn't always in control of himself."

"They better not hurt him," said Kaoru. "Sanan-san sacrificed his humanity for the Shinsengumi, the least they can do is be grateful."

"Of course they're grateful," said Chizuru. "But _children_ , Kaoru, that's not..." She shook her head. "It can't be true. We should ask him about it."

"If you're so sure it can't be true, what would you ask him?" asked Kaoru, who couldn't claim to be certain himself. He hadn't seen Sanan lose control in at least a year, but he also hadn't seen Sanan around blood in all that time. When the Furies went on their rounds they were fighting ronin, being splashed with blood and encouraged to give in to their violent instincts. And those violent instincts made no distinction between warrior and civilian, or adult and child.

But so what? If this was something Sanan had to do, if it was a choice between some faceless Kyoto civilians and Sanan keeping his mind, then Kaoru could accept that. 

"Maybe he knows what's really happening," said Chizuru. "Or can help the others figure it out."

_Maybe we can warn him they know_ , thought Kaoru. So he let Chizuru drag him along to Sanan's quarters.

"Do you have a reason for interrupting me in my duties?" asked Sanan irritably. He was dressed in the Shinsengumi's night uniform, his white haori making him look like a ghost in the dim light of the fading sunset.

"I thought it was your night off," said Kaoru. He didn't see the other Furies, why was Sanan going out alone?

"It normally would be," said Sanan. "But I have business to attend to. Business that you are keeping me from."

"We're worried about you," said Chizuru. "We, um. Heard some stories about...um. People being cut up in Kyoto, and..."

"I am quite capable of taking care of myself," said Sanan. "You have no need to worry about me. So if you will excuse me, I will be on my way."

Now he was being deliberately obtuse. "Sanan," said Kaoru. "We'd understand if..."

"If you will excuse me," repeated Sanan, and pushed past them, walking off into the night without looking back. 

"Oh, he is definitely hiding something," said Kaoru.

"Yes," said Chizuru. "Let's follow him!"

As he clutched tightly to Chizuru's back, Kaoru reminded himself that he was, in fact, fairly fit compared to the average human man. He could walk quite quickly, considering the length of his stride, and had a reasonable amount of stamina. 

But when you were following a Fury walking at top human speed for hours on end, "fit for a human" wasn't good enough.

"Sorry I am literally a burden," whispered Kaoru. He felt incredibly silly being carried like this, and even though Chizuru said she barely noticed his weight he still felt like a liability.

The downside to thinking of Chizuru as a girl was that Kaoru felt even more uncomfortable with how much stronger she was than him, how much better at so many things Kaoru associated with being a man. It didn't make Kaoru doubt Chizuru's gender, but it did make him doubt his own. If Chizuru wasn't a man, that made Kaoru head of the clan, as the eldest. Shouldn't he be taking charge and being strong, then, instead of clinging to his sister like a child?

Chizuru shook her head. "I'm glad you're with me," she said. "If you hadn't spotted Sanan-san taking that turning, we'd have lost him." 

"I wonder if he knows we're following him," said Kaoru. "It might explain why he took off his haori."

Sanan certainly acted like someone who didn't wish to be followed. He'd led them in a merry chase through alleyways and side-streets, before finally taking a path that led them towards the eastern edge of the city. 

What 'business' was he doing out here, Kaoru wondered.

And then, just as they neared the base of Mount Inari, they lost him completely.

"I think he went into the shrine," said Chizuru, stopping in the middle of the road.

"The one with a big 'Closed Due to Quarantine for Cholera' sign?" said Kaoru. "When there's an inn just over there? Look at those men outside, they're clearly ronin. I think Sanan-san is looking to find food further afield."

"But we lost track of him around the entrance to the shrine," said Chizuru. "And...and that's a horrible thing to say about Sanan-san, Kaoru. He doesn't see people as food!"

_I wouldn't be so sure about that, Chizuru_ , thought Kaoru. He'd certainly see people as food if he was in Sanan's shoes.

"Chizuru, do you really want us to climb a mountain full of dying priests? We should investigate the inn." When Chizuru didn't move, Kaoru pulled himself to the ground and started walking ahead of her. "Come on!" he said. "If he's not at the inn, we'll check out the shrine."

"Ok," said Chizuru. She didn't sound very convinced, and Kaoru felt a flash of annoyance. Well, she'd soon see he was right.

He was certainly proven right about the inn's clientele: they were still a short walk from the entrance when they were approached by two especially disreputable looking ronin.

"Look at these pretty little boys out alone at night," said one of them, with a leer. "Are you lost?"

"We're waiting for our friend," said Kaoru. "He's a samurai with glasses, I don't suppose you've seen him?"

The leer turned into a laugh. "A samurai with glasses? He'd be easy to beat."

"Around this tall?" said the other ronin, making a flailing gesture with his hands covering a range between the heights of Kaoru and Harada. "I think I saw him over the back." He gestured towards an especially dark and secluded looking area behind a wall. 

"Oh, thank you!" said Chizuru.

"Chizuru," said Kaoru, with a sigh. "Wait." He turned to the 'helpful' ronin. "How tall exactly was he again?"

The ronin grinned. "Don't you trust me?"

"Pardon my caution," said Kaoru. "But I just met you."

"Then let me introduce myself," said the ronin, drawing his sword. "I'm a thief, and you're the boy about to give me all your money."

"A pleasure to meet you, thief," said Kaoru, drawing his own sword with a grin. He might not be much compared to the captains of the Shinsengumi, but he could beat _this_ guy.

Chizuru and the other ronin drew their swords in turn, and the four of them stood for a while staring each other down. Kaoru could feel his blood pumping: he'd been in battle situations before, but only as a messenger or other non-combatant. He'd drawn his sword to defend himself a few times, but had never really been in a proper _fight_.

The would-be thief was the first to make a move, stepping towards Kaoru with a move so telegraphed Kaoru could have countered it with his eyes closed. He laughed and dodged the blow then used the momentum to propel him past the thief's guard, driving his sword deep into the man's chest. There was a spurt of blood and the ronin fell, dead.

_That was easy,_ thought Kaoru. _Why does everyone act like killing people is difficult?_

"Wada!" cried the other ronin. He threw himself at Kaoru. "You bastard!" 

Kaoru was still in the process of shaking the blood off his sword, not having trained for fighting two opponents at once. He moved to block the blow, but instead heard a clash of metal as Chizuru threw herself in the path of the blade to defend Kaoru.

"We...we don't want to kill you," said Chizuru, her sword raised towards the ronin. "Just let us go."

Except Kaoru actually did want to kill him. He'd always believed everyone when they'd told him that killing was a painful, difficult thing, that he was lucky to have avoided the burden of it so far. But it was nothing! He didn't care about the life of that douchebag thief. The man had been going to murder him and Chizuru, he deserved to die! And having been the one to to kill him made Kaoru feel pretty good about himself.

But he wasn't going to murder this guy in cold blood just to feel that rush again. Especially with Chizuru watching. 

"We won't tell anyone we beat you," said Kaoru. "Just run."

"Hey, everyone!" yelled the ronin, back towards the inn. "These bastards just killed Wada!"

"Oh no," said Chizuru.

"We should run," said Kaoru. He could take on any _one_ of these ronin, but not a whole inn-full of them. And Chizuru's skills were only useful for defence. 

And so they ran.

* * *

Luckily it wasn't the whole inn that followed them, but still enough that Chizuru felt her hands shake with fear as they found themselves surrounded and driven against a cliff, the dark bulk of Inari mountain rising up behind them. 

"I should have picked you up," said Chizuru, overcome with guilt. "Then we'd have gotten away. This is all my fault." 

"We can defeat them, Chizuru," said Kaoru, doing his best to keep up a brave face. "You just keep them distracted while I pick them off one by one."

Kaoru had brushed off Chizuru's attempts to return to their earlier conversation, the one where Kaoru had said he was a man. Knowing how little Kaoru liked to admit vulnerability, Chizuru felt sure that if he had decided to suggest the idea to Chizuru, he must have been thinking about it for a long time. But until he told Chizuru for certain, she would try not to assume either way. And in a sense it didn't matter: brother or sister, it didn't change Chizuru's feelings, and the fact that Chizuru would defend Kaoru with every inch of her life. 

"Distracted?" asked Chizuru. "How do I..." She was interrupted by a blow aimed at her head, as the first of the ronin caught up with them. She blocked it and instinctively countered, slicing into the man's shoulder.

He cried out and she was splashed with his blood. She gasped, but didn't lose her grip, and countered his next attack. And then, just as he'd promised, Kaoru used the distraction to kill him, darting forward to pierce his heart with a single stroke. Compared to Chizuru, Kaoru's strikes were slow and lacked much power. But there was also no doubt behind them, just a calm and practiced desire to kill. Under other circumstances Chizuru might have found this disturbing, but right now she was just glad to have the help.

But there was no way Kaoru could take on all the rest of them at once. Would Chizuru have to kill them? Could she?

If it was that or let Kaoru die...maybe she could. 

Chizuru stepped in front of Kaoru, and tried to steel her heart not to hesitate or panic. She didn't have to think about the ronin as people, she could just rely on her training, and worry about how she felt about it all afterwards. It was self defence, anyway, these men were thieves and murderers...wanting to avenge their friend... _don't think about it_.

As the next ronin approached, she attacked him with a loud cry, slicing down as hard she could with the full force of her strength. There was a sound like something out of a nightmare and his chest split down the centre, so fast he didn't even have time to scream. He didn't look like a person any more, he looked like meat, a collection of bones and muscle and organs and _so much blood_. Chizuru was covered in it, and found it hard to breath through the smell. Her legs went weak. 

"Good job, Chizuru!" said Kaoru, happily. 

She realised it was the first ronin, the one who'd wanted to avenge his friend. She forced herself to suck in a breath and stay steady on her feet. She dragged her eyes up, away from the corpse at her feet, and towards the living foes coming towards them. Thankfully the other ronin had barely moved, their slow human reflexes still reacting to the sight of their friend being split in two.

Would they run away? Please, let them run away.

And then Kaoru spoke again, his voice tense and urgent. "Chizuru," he said. "There's someone coming from behind us."

From the mountain? Was it a priest, breaking quarantine to investigate all the noise? Or was it...

There was a blur as someone leaped down from above, and then another explosion of blood. And another. The ronin fell one by one and Chizuru could do nothing but watch. Within moments it was done.

"You two really do have a penchant for wandering into trouble, don't you?" said Sanan, as he shook the blood off his sword. Like Chizuru, he was covered in blood, though the dark colours of his kimono made it hard to see. And unlike Chizuru, he seemed entirely calm, as if they were having an ordinary conversation about the weather.

"Sanan-san?" said Chizuru. "You...you saved us. Thank you!"

"Absolutely, thank you Sanan-san," said Kaoru. "But what are you doing here?"

"What am _I_ doing here?" asked Sanan, with cool disapproval. " _I_ , as I told you some hours past, am out on Shinsengumi business. The question is, what are yo..." He stopped and made a small noise, then grimaced. "Go back to headquarters," he said, his voice strained. "Now."

"Sanan-san?" said Chizuru.

Sanan stepped back from them, shaking his head and looking very unhappy. And then his hair went white. Chizuru's heart stopped, and she stepped back in front of Kaoru, sword held tightly. But was she really ready to fight Sanan? Could she even...

"There is...no need to worry," said Sanan, though he had curled around himself and clutched at his chest with hands tensed into claws. "I am entirely in control of myself. I merely...would prefer not to be seen in such a state."

Oh, poor Sanan. But what a relief to not have to fight him. "Are you in pain?" asked Chizuru.

"Of course he's in pain," said Kaoru. "Do you need blood, Sanan-san? We won't think any less of you for drinking from one of these corpses. Or, uh, I guess I could..."

"I will think less of _you_ ," said Sanan, his voice barely above a whisper. "If you don't _obey my order_ , and _return to headquarters_."

"I'm sorry we followed you," said Chizuru. "We just wanted..." But he was in no state to listen to their excuses right now.

And then there was another noise from behind them. 

"Blood..."

They all turned to look back at the mountain.

"Sanan-san," said Kaoru, "Did you happen to bring any Furies with you?" 

"No," said Sanan. He made a noise between a sigh and a groan. "I cannot fight in this state. If the two of you would...keep watch in the direction the noise came from..." He took a ragged breath. "Please do not turn around."

Chizuru nodded and turned to face the mountain, doing her best to be prepared for another fight. She could fight a Fury. She'd fought that human, hadn't she? She'd fought him, and then he'd... _don't think about it_. 

She tried not to listen, either, as Sanan...the important thing was he would stop being in pain. She realised Kaoru had ignored Sanan's order and had turned his head to watch. 

"Kaoru!" she hissed.

"Yes, yes," muttered Kaoru, and turned back to face the mountain. "Though...I'm sorry Chizuru, if it is a Fury I won't be much help."

"I'll protect you," she said.

"Thanks," he said, his tone gloomy. Did he mind having Chizuru protect him?

Just as Chizuru was wondering if they'd imagined the noise, or if the Fury had been discouraged by the height off the cliff, there was the sound of breaking branches and another cry of "Blood!". A Fury threw himself off the cliff towards them, landing with an unpleasant crunch but then standing up on half healed legs to laugh.

He wasn't in the Shinsengumi uniform, but instead wore a black Western-style military uniform with no visible insignia. She'd heard the Choshu and Satsuma had adopted Western style military tactics, was this Fury associated with them? If the Imperialists had Furies, that boded poorly for Shogunate forces like the Shinsengumi.

_Stop thinking about his uniform and fight him_ , she told herself. He continued to shamble towards them slowly, and then suddenly rushed forward, his sword raised. Chizuru blocked his attack, and actually _felt it_ , a shudder of discomfort making her arm briefly ache. This was nothing like fighting the human ronin. This Fury felt like he was stronger than _Sanan_.

He was also _terrible_ at fighting, flailing around with his blade wildly with no concern for what Chizuru was doing. He was strong enough that he was still a serious danger to someone like Kaoru, but Chizuru didn't have to try very hard to defeat him. With a grimace, she struck her sword into his chest, and he fell. 

And then lay on the ground and laughed. She'd missed.

Before the Fury could get up, Kaoru stepped forward and beheaded him, having to stab a few times to sever the neck. It was bloody work, but there was no doubting that the Fury was dead at the end of it. 

"Thank you," said Chizuru. "I'm sorry I missed." Kaoru was coated in blood now too. There was blood everywhere, and... _don't think about it_.

"It was nothing," said Kaoru.

"Sanan-san," said Chizuru, turning. "He was awfully strong. Do you think..."

She was just in time to see Sanan killing another Fury, in the same uniform as the first. 

"Where did that one come from?" asked Kaoru. 

"The entrance to the shrine," said Sanan, darkly. 

"The uniforms look Imperial," said Kaoru. "Is the quarantine a fake?" 

"Possibly," said Sanan. "Or whoever controls these Furies decided to take advantage of it. I have already investigated the main building, it is empty but I found what looked like signs of struggle. And I found a body hidden in the bushes, covered in deep slashes and drained of blood."

"Not a typical symptom of cholera," said Kaoru. 

"Indeed," said Sanan. 

."I knew it wasn't you killing those people!" said Chizuru. 

"Implying both that you are aware of the recent spate of mysterious deaths," said Sanan. "And that my innocence was in doubt." He frowned.

"Not...not by me..." she stuttered.

"Really?" he asked, in that way he had where a polite question felt like an attack. "Then why were you following me?"

Chizuru couldn't meet his eye. She had suspected him a little, after all. 

"Because you wouldn't talk to us!" cried Kaoru. "And don't say we should have just trusted you, what if the Shinsengumi got it into their heads to kill you?"

"So you don't trust _them_?"

"No," said Kaoru. "Not when it comes to being fair to you."

Sanan gave a sad smile. "True, they can be a little suspicious when it comes to Furies. And I suppose it may help that you can corroborate my story." He frowned. "But it is clearly far too dangerous here for the two of you, the stories coming from this area have been quite disturbing, and now we have these mysterious Furies. You should return to headquarters while I continue my investigation. "

"I am glad to see you show so much concern for my daughter's welfare, Sanan-kun."

Chizuru gasped, and Sanan put his hand on his sword.

"Kodo," said Kaoru, his voice low. 

Kodo stepped out of the shadows. "Hello Kaoru," he said, with a gentle smile. "You have grown into a beautiful young woman. I am so sorry I stayed away from you so long."

"Why was that again?" asked Kaoru, in a bitter tone. "I've forgotten." 

"I was forced to work for the Satsuma and Choshu," he said, smoothly, his eyes sad. "When I saw that you were with the Shinsengumi, I worried that revealing myself, and my position, might put you in danger. But now the time has arrived for you to rejoin me."

"Why?" said Kaoru, his voice cracked. "Why are you here now, when I don't need you any more? I can't go back to being your daughter. It's too late for that."

"Kaoru," said Kodo, his voice sad and affectionate. "You will _always_ be my daughter."

Chizuru felt an unexpected pang of sympathy for Kodo. If he truly had been kept from Kaoru, then he must have missed him a great deal. 

"You'll always be Kaoru's father, Kodo-san," said Chizuru. "And I'm sure she's glad to see you. But she's been very happy living with the Shinsengumi. And she's not a child any more, to need a parent's care. Maybe she could stay where she is, and the two of you could..."

"Chizuru-kun," said Kodo, in a gentle yet firm tone. "I know what is best for my daughter. And it is time for the three of us to reform the Yukimura clan, far away from all this violence."

"The three of us?" said Chizuru. Would they move to some remote village somewhere? Did he mean them to never see any of their human friends ever again? "That's...um..."

"You make it sound as if the violence hasn't all been your doing, Kodo-san," said Sanan.

"My doing?" said Kodo. "I am the only one among you not drenched in blood."

While what Kodo said was true in a literal sense, Sanan made a good point: it was likely not a coincidence that the creator of the Water of Life was in the same location as these new, mysterious Furies. The same location as all those awful deaths.

"What have you done to the inhabitants of this shrine?" asked Sanan, coldly. He'd been deeply upset when the Shinsengumi forced a temple to allow them as tenants, the thought of a whole shrine being murdered and eaten by Furies must be horrifying. Chizuru found it pretty horrifying herself. 

"Very little," said Kodo. "Most of them were safely evacuated when it became clear that those who drank the water here were developing the symptoms of cholera."

"Symptoms that are very easy to create artificially," said Kaoru. 

"You always were a clever girl," said Kodo, with a smile. "I, of course, have every respect for the peace-loving priests of this shrine. That is why I found a non-violent way to encourage them to leave, when it became clear that they might interfere with my work."

From what Chizuru knew of the symptoms of cholera, she wasn't sure she'd describe forcing people to experience them as respectful.

"Your work creating monsters," said Kaoru.

"That is a very impolite way to refer to your friend," said Kodo, as if gently chiding a child. "Would you describe yourself as a monster, Sanan-kun?"

"Yes," said Sanan, calmly. "I have no regrets about becoming a monster, mind you. But I had a choice in the matter. The same has not always been the case for your experimental subjects."

Kodo's smile became a little nastier than it had been before. "Such is the price of science," he said. "But it is a price worth paying. Did you notice how strong my new creations are? It must have been a challenge for you, Sanan-kun, reliant as you are on an outdated, lesser version of the Water of Life."

Kodo really wasn't a very nice man, was he?

"Strength is no substitute for skill," said Sanan. "And you should be glad of it. Were it not for me, your daughter and the head of your clan might be dead."

"Chizuru-kun is a fine swordsman, and well able to protect Kaoru," said Kodo, "As is to be expected from the head of the Yukimura clan. You know you are demons, don't you children? Our blood is strong, far stronger than that of any human turned Fury. And it is only going to become stronger." 

"Using the Water of Life?" asked Sanan, with an expression of surprise. 

"In a manner of speaking," said Kodo. "But this is a private matter between the members of our clan. It is time for you to go, Sanan-kun."

"No!" said Kaoru. "I never agreed to go with you, Kodo-san. And neither did Chizuru."

"If you're murdering civilians and doing experiments on people against their will," said Chizuru. "That's...that's monstrous. I can't be a party to that. And I won't let you take Kaoru if...if she doesn't want to go with you."

"You speak as if you have a choice," said Kodo. He smiled and clicked his fingers, and the darkness behind him started to glitter with the reflection from increasing numbers of red eyes. "You were able to defeat two of my improved Furies one at a time. But I suspect even Sanan-kun's _skill_ is no match for quite so many."

"You underestimate me," said Sanan. But even Chizuru could hear the slight hesitation in his voice. She unsheathed her sword: at least he wouldn't stand alone. Kaoru stood by him as well, and Sanan put his hand on Kaoru's shoulder and pulled him closer, to better protect him. They were whispering something to each other: words of encouragement, perhaps? 

"It's going to be ok, Chizuru," said Kaoru. "Just...trust us to take care of you."

"As I will take care of you," she said.

And wasn't this the true definition of a warrior, after all? Not someone who killed, but someone who was willing to die to protect what they valued. Chizuru had never seen herself as a warrior, but in this moment she would do her best to live up to that ideal.

"Are you sure you wish to do this, Sanan-kun?" said Kodo. "Think of the research we could do together. And don't you want an escape from the limited lifespan of your kind?"

"I am not aware of any such limit," said Sanan.

"Didn't you ever wonder how a frail human body could sustain such magnificent feats of strength? You are a man of science, Sanan-kun. You know that every action a body takes must draw on some existing source of energy. And for a human, that energy comes from your life-force. Once that force is used up...so are you." He seemed very cheerful about the prospect.

Sanan's voice grew a little weaker. "I see," he said. He paused. "And you claim you can fix this?" 

"Come with me and find out," said Kodo. "But you must bring Kaoru."

Sanan looked down at Kaoru. "Does the solution require her blood?" His voice was cool and dispassionate. "I had wondered if there was some way to harness the power of a pure-blooded demon for the benefit of Furies."

The idea didn't seem to bother him too much. But Sanan's emotions could be hard to read. Chizuru reminded herself that even if Sanan had considered the idea he hadn't pursued it. 

"Her blood?" Kodo stared at Sanan in what looked like genuine horror. "Sanan-kun, how can you suggest a thing! She is my _daughter_."

That was something, at least. Whatever fate Kodo had planned for Kaoru, he hopefully wouldn't suffer.

"Yes," said Kaoru. He stepped forward, his step steady and sure, and Chizuru had a sudden sense of impending doom. "I am your daughter. And if it will keep the others safe, I will go with you, Father."


	8. Chapter 8

"You can't!" Chizuru's voice was full of pain and Kaoru felt like an ass for deceiving her. But there was no way Chizuru would have been able to _fake_ that sort of reaction, and it was important Kodo believe this all to be real.

"It is my choice," said Kaoru. "And Kodo...Father is my family, just as much as you are."

Part of him even meant it. There was a part of him that had always seen Kodo as his father, and was overjoyed to see him again, to feel safe and loved and _home_ with the only parent Kaoru had known for most of his life.

But there was another part of him that felt only cold satisfaction in seeing proof at last that Kodo was as devoid of feeling as Kaoru had always know him to be, deep down. Kodo's fatherly persona was an empty shell, it was only with Chizuru and the Shinsengumi that Kaoru had relearned what it meant to have a genuinely loving family, and to be able to truly love them in return. 

And now Kaoru had to go back to pretending the shell was real, and that he hadn't seen the monster underneath. He had to go back to being Kodo's _daughter_ , it felt like cutting off parts of himself to fit back into an old pair of shoes that he'd long grown out of. 

Kodo gave a smug smile and Kaoru wanted to punch him. "I am so glad you understand, my child," he said. "And of course I will not hurt Chizuru-kun."

_It's not Chizuru I'm worried about_ , thought Kaoru. With Kodo's concern for the good of their clan, Chizuru's place as head made her untouchable. But Sanan was nothing to Kodo but an inconvenient human. 

Inconvenient to Kodo, but an invaluable ally to Kaoru. The idea of being stuck with Kodo alone was terrifying. But he'd told Sanan "I'll go with Kodo" and he'd said "I'll go with you", without hesitation or question. The trick now was just to make it happen without Kodo stabbing Sanan in the back the first chance he got. 

What a snake his adopted father had turned out to be. Perhaps it was no surprise that Kaoru had grown up to be a snake as well.

"I want Sanan-san to join us," said Kaoru. "He has been like an older brother to me." He'd thought about pretending to be in love with him, but Sanan was human, and Kodo had seemed very concerned about Kaoru marrying the right sort of man. "And you said yourself that he is a talented scientist. I am sure he would be a great aide in your work."

"And you have been like a little sister to me, Kaoru-kun," said Sanan, looking at him like he was a small and adorable child. Kaoru had to force down a grimace. "If you are willing to join Kodo-san of your own free will, then I would gladly join you. If Kodo-san still wishes for my assistance, of course." He bowed to Kodo with an air of polite humility. 

"I am a man of my word," said Kodo. 

"Then I'm coming too," said Chizuru. "I'm sorry, Kodo-san, I'm sure you...you don't intend any harm to Kaoru or Sanan-san. But I would feel happier if I was there to protect them."

_Chizuru, what are you doing_ , thought Kaoru with horror. She needed to get away from this mess as quickly as possible, for the good of both herself _and_ of Kaoru and Sanan. Managing Kodo would be difficult enough without having to deal with Chizuru's well-meaning interference. 

But the same simple good nature that made Chizuru incapable of lying also made her incapable of abandoning Kaoru. _I love you, you dumbass_ , thought Kaoru, and stepped towards Chizuru to give her a hug.

"Of course you can come with us," said Kaoru, for Kodo's benefit, "We are your clan." And then she whispered into Chizuru's ear, "We're tricking Kodo. Stay quiet and don't get in the way." A blunt way to put it, but Chizuru would hopefully understand.

And she did. She gave a brief nod and then smiled. "I'm so glad," she said. And then pointedly squeezed together her lips to signal her willingness to stay quiet. 

"As am I," said Kodo. "All of us together again! And Sanan-kun, of course." He gave Sanan a thoughtful look, not unfriendly but oddly acquisitive. Did Kodo want to do experiments on _him_? Oh no, hopefully not. Kodo started walking towards the gate to the shrine. "Come, we have much to do."

And so they followed him into the mountain.

Kaoru had never bothered much with religion, though he'd go along with others to New Years shrine visits and so forth if he had nothing better to do. This was his first visit to the Fushimi Inari shrine. Everyone in Kyoto went on about how spectacular it was, but he'd never felt much motivation to honour the god of fertility.

It was probably very nice during the day, or with the lanterns lit. But right now Kaoru found it intensely creepy, and it wasn't helping his already shaky mood. The entrance was eerily quiet, the curling details on the gates and roofs making strange shadows in the moonlight, and the sly faces of fox statues grinning at them from every corner. When they started up the mountain the hundreds of tall red gates lining the path blocked most of what little light was available, forcing them to stumble up the hill in thin slivers of moonlight. 

Kaoru hoped he'd made the right decision. There was no going back: behind them walked Kodo's army of Furies, quietly muttering to themselves about blood. 

"I must apologise in advance for the quality of my hospitality," said Kodo. "You have found me in the process of relocating. The locals were starting to ask too many unfortunate questions."

_Like why their children kept turning up cut into pieces,_ thought Kaoru. Because that had to have been Kodo's Furies, and he had to have known. 

"So you have control of the entire temple?" asked Sanan. "Quite an achievement." The emotion underlying his cool voice was too subtle for Kodo to pick up on, but Kaoru could tell he was furious. Unlike Kaoru, Sanan was inclined to take religion quite seriously, and it was hard to think of anything more sacrilegious than what Kodo had done to this temple. 

"Yes," said Kodo. "It could only be a temporary base, a quarantine can only last so long. But it has been quite convenient in the short term."

"What is you long term goal?" asked Sanan. "Restoring your clan, of course, but I am curious as to the specifics." 

Kodo chuckled. "You always were a curious one, weren't you Sanan-kun?"

Sanan bowed his head respectfully. "If you would rather not explain to an outsider, I will understand."

For a while, Kodo didn't reply. "What would guess my plan is?" he asked at last.

"To build an army," said Sanan. "For defence of your people, and perhaps some other goal, though I am not sure what. Revenge, perhaps, I am sure you have enemies."

"I do indeed," said Kodo, darkly. "But an army is no use without somebody for it to defend. I...ah!"

He smiled and took a few steps forward, face lit up with unobstructed moonlight. They'd reached the end of the path. Kaoru followed him onto a flat open area next to a dark empty shrine. 

"Beautiful, isn't it?" said Kodo. Kaoru followed his line of sight to look out beyond the mountain to the city below. The lights of Kyoto twinkled like stars beneath a clear and cloudless sky. It was indeed quite beautiful.

"Yes," said Kaoru. Though his appreciation of the view was rather spoiled by his awareness of the mass of Furies lining up behind them in neat rows. It seemed that Kodo had them well trained, and it would only take a single order for Kaoru and the others to be driven to the edge of the clearing. The slope below was steep and rocky, and split by a deep crevasse. Not a good terrain in which to make an escape.

"I am so glad you made the right choice, Kaoru," said Kodo. "I worried your time with the humans had weakened your loyalty to your clan."

"Never," said Kaoru, who felt less loyalty to Kodo than he did to the man who delivered the mail. "I...I grew fond of the humans, to some extent, and am glad they protected me. But I will always be a Yukimura."

"Are you ready then?" he asked. "To face your destiny?"

"My destiny?" he asked. "You mean..." _Just play along until you can escape_ "...to get married and have children? I, um. Have not yet met any man I wish to marry. But in principle, of course." 

"What about Sanan-kun?" asked Kodo, seeming sincere in his curiosity. "You said you were friends."

Wait, what? Sanan and Chizuru looked as surprised as Kaoru felt. Was this a test? 

"Sanan-san is a human," said Kaoru. "Surely the man I marry should be a pure blooded demon, to strengthen the clan."

Kodo smiled at Kaoru affectionately. "Such a good girl! Chizuru-kun, do you see? Kaoru understands exactly what her role is in all this."

"Mmm," said Chizuru, with a slightly pained expression. 

Kodo bounced on his feet, clearly happy at how his evening was playing out. That made one of them. "Yes," he said. "In the past, the best way for a pure-blooded demon woman to bear strong children was to marry a pure-blooded demon man. But it is my belief that by combining demon and Fury bloodlines it should be possible to create even stronger demons. Stronger than the warriors of any other demon clan!"

"You want me to marry a Fury?" said Kaoru. So this is what Kodo had meant by 'strengthening the blood-line using the Water of Life'. Kaoru looked at the array of potential husbands lined up behind them, eyes glazed and minds capable of only thinking about blood. "Then yes," he said. "I had not thought it possible, before. But...if Sanan-san would have me..." He suspected that Kodo would see no contradiction between "he's like my big brother" and "I wish to marry him". Kaoru let his voice go high and wobble a little, and tried not to die of embarrassment. "He is a good, kind man. And very strong. And I..." He broke off, his true and feigned selves both unable to find the words to continue.

"I...I could never presume," said Sanan in a soft, haltering voice. Was he _blushing_? How was he doing that? "K...Kaoru-kun is so young and beautiful...surely there is someone more suitable than an old man like me."

Kaoru wasn't sure how he felt about Sanan calling him _beautiful_. He reminded himself that this was all an act. Considering that he'd had to come up with his reactions on the fly, Sanan was playing along magnificently, and while Chizuru's eyes kept getting wider and wider she was doing a good job of saying nothing. Sanan wasn't getting murdered, and Kaoru wasn't marrying a mindless monster, and everything was going to be _fine_. 

"Come now Sanan-kun," chuckled Kodo, "You do not seem so old to me. You are what, thirty five?"

"Thirty four," said Sanan. Kaoru had forgotten he was quite that old. But Sanan could be seventy and still look attractive compared to Kaoru's other options.

"Still so young!" said Kodo. "And you and Kaoru are already friends." 

"I have liked to think so," said Sanan, "Until now I have not...have not dared hope for anything more." He gave Kaoru a shy, hopeful smile. Kaoru gave a tiny smile in return and then looked at his feet, as if overcome my maidenly modesty. How long were they going to have to keep this up? It was _excruciating_.

"Oh this is wonderful," said Kodo. "I had thought I would have to...well, it is not important." _You thought you would have to force me_ , thought Kaoru. There is no way even Kodo's idealised version of Kaoru would have willingly married one of Kodo's Furies, who seemed even more controlled by the serum than those of the Shinsengumi. Kaoru had to repress a shudder. He'd always had complicated feelings about Kodo, but had genuinely believed that he cared about Kaoru's well being. But apparently not.

"Isn't this wonderful, Chizuru?" asked Kodo, his eyes sharp. 

"Oh yes," said Chizuru, her voice high and strained, aware she was being tested. "Wonderful! I am very much looking forward to Sanan-san and Kaoru getting married and having children. They will be...so strong! Yay!" 

She was doing her best, but she really wasn't cut out for lying, especially under pressure. Was Kodo sufficiently self-deluded to believe her anyway?

He stepped closer to Chizuru with narrowed eyes. Possibly not. Kaoru felt his heart race. What could he do to help Chizuru without breaking character?

Chizuru attempted to keep smiling as Kodo approached her, but it became increasingly brittle. "What about my Fury army?" said Kodo. "Do you agree that it is necessary to defend the clan?"

"Completely!" said Chizuru. "If we have to kill...children...to feed the Furies then...that's ok! As long as they're...um... human..." She let out a small whimper and then looked at Kaoru with apology before closing her mouth and looking at her feet.

"Chizuru-kun," said Kodo gently. "I understand if you have doubts. The path we walk is difficult, and you have a kind heart. But you must be honest with me, do you understand?"

Chizuru nodded, eyes still facing the ground.

Kodo put his hand on Chizuru's shoulder. "So, Chizuru-kun," he said. "Honestly, how do you feel?"

"I can't," she said. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry! But I can't. I can't...pretend..."

"I don't want you to pretend," said Kodo, his smile gone sharp. "So who are you apologising to?"

"Nobody!" said Chizuru. "I..."

"Perhaps Chizuru shouldn't join us after all," said Kaoru. "I thought he understood, but he's not ready yet. Maybe in time, when we can introduce him to his nephews and nieces." He forced himself to smile at the thought. _It's not going to come to that_.

"Perhaps you are right," said Kodo. "Chizuru is not ready to take his place as head of the clan. He should leave us, until he is ready to understand." Kodo looked up and made eye contact with one of the Furies, and then looked significantly at Chizuru before giving a small nod. Kaoru felt a sudden, horrible certainty that if Chizuru left them now, she would not get to the bottom of the mountain alive. 

"Yes, maybe that is for the best," said Chizuru. Did she know she was agreeing to go to her death? Kaoru felt no doubt that Chizuru would still go, even if she did, sacrificing herself to save Kaoru and Sanan. 

"Chizuru!" said Kaoru. "I..."

"I love you," said Chizuru, with a sad smile. "Stay safe."

Kaoru had to blink back tears of misery and frustration. There had to be something he could do.

"Stop," said Sanan. "You can't just let him go!"

"What do you mean?" asked Kodo.

"I've known Chizuru-kun for many years," said Sanan. "He's an interfering do-gooder with far too much loyalty towards the Shinsengumi for his own good. He'll go straight to them the moment you let him go, and tell the humans everything."

"You wouldn't do that, would you Chizuru-kun?" said Kodo.

"No?" said Chizuru, clearly confused as to what angle Sanan was going for, and thus unsure what she should say. To be honest, Kaoru was pretty confused as well.

"I'm sorry, Chizuru-kun," said Sanan, drawing his sword. "But you always were a terrible liar." He stepped towards Chizuru, making her step backwards towards the edge of the cliff. There was a murmuring amongst the Furies, but Kodo held up his hand to indicate that they should stay still. He watched Sanan with an expression of mild curiosity.

"I'm not lying!" said Chizuru. 

"You are soft-hearted and hate any sort of violence," said Sanan. "Kodo-san's plan will involve the deaths of many humans, and many others being turned into his mindless slaves. You'd do anything to stop that, wouldn't you?"

"I..." Chizuru's eyes were wide and confused. Sanan stepped closer, and put his hand on Chizuru's shoulder, while his sword pointed at Chizuru's heart. 

"Tell me honestly, Chizuru-kun," said Sanan, in a calm voice. "Will you ever support Kodo's plan?"

"No," she said. 

"If we let you go, will you report to the Shinsengumi?"

"Yes," said Chizuru. 

"Then I am sorry," he said, softly, his face close to her ear. He said something else, but Kaoru couldn't make it out.

And then he stabbed Chizuru in the chest. 

Chizuru made a loud and agonising cry of pain, and then went limp, closing her eyes. She would have fallen to the ground but Sanan kept hold of her shoulder, pulling out his sword and shaking off her blood. Then he lifted her up and threw her down over the cliff. There was a series of wet, awful sounds as Chizuru's body fell down the slope, and then silence.

That had been fake, right? Sanan didn't really kill Chizuru? But he'd definitely stabbed her, and....it occurred to Kaoru that he was allowed to appear upset, regardless. Sanan might be playing the stoic defender of the clan, but Kaoru got to be the weak, helpless woman.

"Chizuru!" he cried. "Chizuru, no!" He burst into tears, venting his pain and horror and fear.

"Sanan-san!" said Kodo. "Why did you do that? I would have...there was no need to upset Kaoru that way!"

"I apologise," said Sanan. "I know he was the head of your clan. But he was weak, and a danger to Kaoru-chan." Under any other circumstances, Kaoru would have been furious to hear Sanan refer to him that way, but in this context it felt like a reminder from Sanan that he wasn't being himself. That none of this was real. And then he said, "I'm sorry, Kaoru-kun. I will understand if you can never forgive me."

"I..." he sniffed, his mind a blank. If he really thought he needed Kaoru's forgiveness, did that mean... "I don't know," he said. "I...I loved Chizuru. But I also..." He looked away, and sobbed. That was the most he could manage right now. 

Kodo sighed. "I understand that you're upset, Kaoru. I also loved Chizuru-kun. But he is gone now. And we must move on. Please find it in your heart to forgive Sanan-kun, he only thought of you."

Kaoru nodded. "I will try," he said.

_Sanan Keisuke_ , thought Kaoru, _if you really have killed Chizuru there is no force on this planet that will save you from my fury_.

"Let's get you somewhere you can rest," said Kodo, patting Kaoru on the head as if he'd gotten tuckered out playing tag and hadn't just _watched his sibling die_. 

Kodo led them further up the mountain, along another gate-lined path. Kaoru stumbled in the inconsistent darkness, and felt Sanan's steadying hand on his shoulder. He couldn't decide if he was glad of it. At last they reached Kodo's base, one of the larger shrines, tucked away behind a wall of rock. Furies milled around it like ants. It seemed like every step took Kaoru further and further away from any hope of escape.

Kodo led them inside and along a narrow corridor to a small, simply furnished room, and laid out a futon. Had this room belonged to one of the priests? Well, it was Kaoru's prison now. 

"Rest now, child," said Kodo, walking to the door. "We will come for you when it is time to leave."

Kaoru absolutely did not want to be alone with his thoughts right now, especially when he had so many questions. "Sanan-san," he wailed. "I'm afraid! Don't leave me!"

"It's ok, dearest," said Sanan, patting Kaoru on the head. "I'm here." 

_I'm supposed to be your fiancé, not your dog_ , thought Kaoru irritably. Although strictly speaking, they hadn't actually gotten engaged yet. 

"Kodo-san," said Sanan. "Do you think I could stay with her a while? I think I can help her calm down."

Kaoru started sobbing a little louder, making his voice as annoying as possible. He'd gotten very good at this as a child, and Kodo had always hated it. Kodo also knew exactly how long Kaoru could keep it up for. 

"Yes, if you would," said Kodo, wincing. "I have many tasks I need to attend to." He smiled. "But be gentle with her, she has had a difficult day."

As the door closed Kaoru thought _is he expecting Sanan to seduce me **now**? And he'd be ok with it?_ What a creepy asshole. At least that was one thing he didn't actually have to worry about. Kaoru had always found it frustrating that Sanan refused to flirt with him, but it did mean he felt much safer in Sanan's company than he would have with many other men. If Sanan was the sort to take advantage, he would have done so by now.

And sure enough, the moment Kodo was gone Sanan took his hand off Kaoru's head and put it behind his back. Kaoru found he actually missed it a little, he could do with some comfort right now. But he had other fish to fry.

"What the hell was that with Chizuru," whispered Kaoru. 

"I am reasonably sure he will survive," said Sanan. "I aimed my sword quite carefully, and Kodo seems to be gathering the Furies here in order to move them, so Chizuru-kun will hopefully not encounter any in his escape."

" _Reasonably sure _? That isn't good enough!"__

"There was no other way," said Sanan calmly.

"And I'm supposed to just accept that?"

"No," said Sanan. "I meant it when I said I do not expect you to forgive me." His expression was clear, cool, and melancholy.

"The whole point of handing myself in was to save..." Ok, the point had been to save Sanan, because Kaoru hadn't believed Kodo was cold enough to murder Chizuru. He also hadn't believed Kodo was the sort to force his own child to marry a monster, so. Today had been full of fun lessons. "...uurgh. Fine. I can't think of anything better you could have done either," he admitted. "This is such a disaster." He tried not to burst into tears again. He had no excuse for it now. Instead he let himself sit down on the futon. His legs felt weak, and it was good to be able to rest. 

"I think we can survive it," said Sanan, kneeling down a little distance away. "If you are willing to work with me."

"Of course I'm willing to work with you," said Kaoru. "What else am I going to do?" He laughed darkly. "And I mean, isn't a good woman supposed to support her husband?"

"Ha," said Sanan, mirthlessly. 

"I am going to murder Kodo," said Kaoru. "I can't believe he was going to force me to...ugh!"

"Murder him?" said Sanan. "I suppose so, eventually. But he must be tortured first, made to suffer for his crimes." 

Kaoru laughed, feeling much better about his situation. "You make a good point. I mean, I'm being forced to marry _you_."

"I am sure it is not to late to marry one of the other Furies," said Sanan, "I will not stand in your way."

"Thank you," said Kaoru. "I'll bear that in mind."

They sat in silence for a while, the tension broken. Kaoru decided to assume that Chizuru was fine, because to accept any other possibility would mire him in despair.

"So what's the plan," said Kaoru. "We pretend to be madly in love, then take the first chance to escape we can find? Or something more devious?"

"It would be sensible to escape at the first opportunity," said Sanan. "But I must admit...Kodo's talk of a cure does intrigue me."

Yes, so much else had happened that Kaoru hadn't really processed that detail, but Kodo had implied that Sanan's lifespan was limited. 

"You should definitely take the chance to learn more about that if you can," said Kaoru. "But don't pretend you aren't excited to learn more from Kodo in general."

Sanan smiled cheerfully. "I won't pretend, then," he said. "Obviously this situation is far from ideal. But Kodo's Furies appear to be much stronger than ours. If there is some way we could harness that strength, while still allowing the Furies to keep their minds..." He got a familiar faraway look in his eyes. "Ever since learning of the existence of demons, I have wondered whether demon blood might play some part in the Water of Life. As a demon himself, Kodo has an infinite supply. Unfortunately Kondou-san and Hijikata-kun forbade me from requesting any from yourself or Chizuru-kun for study, so I have been unable to pursue this avenue of research until now."

"You could have just asked," said Kaoru. 

"You would have said yes?" said Sanan, with surprise.

"I don't see why not," said Kaoru. "As long as you didn't want all of it at once." 

Sanan's eyes lit up. "No, not all of it," he said. "Although with your healing abilities, I imagine I could harvest quite a large amount without doing you any harm. In fact, it might be instructive to see how much blood you could lose without falling unconscious..."

"Maybe another time," said Kaoru, a little creeped out by quite how into the idea Sanan was. "We have other priorities right now."

"I am aware," said Sanan. "Survive, learn what we can, and then escape."

"And kill Kodo," added Kaoru.

"Ha, yes," said Sanan. "We mustn't forget that. Although I would understand if you would rather leave it to me. He did raise you after all."

"I had to spend twelve years with _that_ and you think I don't want to be the one to kill him?" said Kaoru.

Sanan smiled. "Very well." 

"As for survival..." said Kaoru. "We hold our tongues about Kodo's army and continue to feign a touching romance." He made a sound of disgust. "And I continue to play the loving daughter." 

"Yes," said Sanan. "I must commend you on your acting ability. But we should feign a slow courtship. It is clear that Kodo's only concern is the efficient production of grandchildren. Things may become unpleasant when it becomes clear that they are not going to eventuate."

"So you're not actually excited to father a brood of Fury-demon hybrids?" 

"No," said Sanan. "For any number of reasons."

It occurred to Kaoru that it was likely none of this would have happened if he and Chizuru hadn't followed Sanan. And in general, the number of horrifying crimes that could be laid at the feet of the Yukimura clan just kept growing. "Sorry about all this," said Kaoru. 

Sanan shook his head. "Without your intervention, I would likely be dead. And now I am to be married to a beautiful young girl with an approving family! What man could ask for more?" He gave a bright and entirely insincere smile.

"While I am to be married to a middle-aged man with bad eyesight," said Kaoru. "I see your point. You should be thanking me."

Sanan's smile grew more wry and more sincere. "As I said, you did save my life," he said. "So yes, thank you." He sighed. "And if it offers you any comfort," he said. "I can absolutely guarantee that I will not get you with child." 

"Good," said Kaoru. "I should think not. Getting out of here will be hard enough without me having to deal with _that_." He frowned. "You're right, though. If we end up trapped with Kodo for months...it's going to look strange if I don't get pregnant. Maybe there's some way to fake it..."

"Kodo-san is a doctor," said Sanan. "He would be hard to fool. But yes, we could probably engineer something. Hopefully it won't come to that. Hopefully, wehn the time comes, we will be able to find an opportunity to escape."

Kaoru nodded. "We'll have to move quickly."

"Yes," said Sanan. "Luckily you are adept at quick thinking."

Kaoru tried not to blush at the praise. In general, being here alone with Sanan, able to talk about things honestly, had made the whole situation much more bearable. "I'm glad you're here," he said. "Not just so that I don't have to marry one of those...things. Not even just because I don't want to be alone. I'm...I'm glad it's you."

Sanan didn't reply, he just looked at Kaoru with a hard to read expression. Kaoru felt self conscious. Maybe he shouldn't have gotten so emotional.

"I mean...what other man could resist _this_ ," said Kaoru gesturing down his body, currently rather rumpled and spattered with blood. "Anyone else I'd be popping out mutant babies like candy."

"I like to think I am not the only man in the world with self restraint and and a sense of morality," said Sanan. "Many might even argue that I am lacking in such things."

"Narrow-minded idiots, maybe," said Kaoru. Sanan had always seemed plenty moral to him. Some might argue annoyingly so.

"I do not consider it especially narrow-minded to object to the drinking of human blood," said Sanan. "Especially considering some of the ways in which I have obtained it."

"I do," said Kaoru. "I know you saw me watching, and...I don't think it's anything shameful. The Shinsengumi kill people all the time, what difference does it make if you take a little from the bodies to sustain yourself?" There had been something beautiful about it, like watching an elegant bird of prey make a kill. 

Sanan laughed. "You have a very unique view of the world, Yukimura-kun," he said.

"So I've been told."

"Hmm," said Sanan. They sat in silence for a while. Kaoru wondered how long it would be before Kodo came back. "Yukimura-kun," said Sanan, softly. "There is something you should probably know about me." 

"Yes?"

Sanan looked at his hands. "You misunderstood me before. It is certainly true that I have no intention of taking advantage of your vulnerable situation. But it is also true that even if I wished to, I am _incapable_ of getting you with child." 

"Incapable..." said Kaoru. "Are you sterile? You've tried to have children in the past?" Kaoru had never heard of Sanan having been in the sort of relationship where that would have come up, but knew very little of Sanan's past before joining the Shinsengumi.

Sanan's eyes widened and then he coughed. "Yes, in fact," he said. "I have and I probably am. But that's not what I was referring to." He looked away, seemingly embarrassed. Sanan _never_ got embarrassed. Was he _impotent_? Or a eunuch? His voice _was_ rather high for a man, in a breathy sort of way. Well, it wasn't like Kaoru was in a position to judge a man for failing to live up to traditional ideals of manhood.

"You don't have to tell me," said Kaoru. "I mean, I'm incredibly curious, but it doesn't actually matter."

"No, under the circumstances it may become important for you to know." He paused and smoothed out the fabric of his kimono, still not meeting Kaoru's eyes. "You see...I'm a woman."

* * *

Chizuru awoke from unconsciousness wedged in a ravine, with her torso impaled on a small tree. 

Seeing the jagged and bloody remains of the trunk emerging from her own body would normally have been horrifying, but she was so numb that she found it hard to care. It would be so easy to just lie here and wait to be absorbed by the mountain, a silent offering to Inari.

But Kaoru needed her. She had to get up. Though her arms felt weak and sore, Chizuru grabbed the trunk with both hands and crushed it tightly until it splintered, feeling little pieces of it stick into her skin. Then she pulled herself up off what was left, the wood tearing at her internal organs as she moved. She lay against the wall of rock behind her and waited for the wound to heal enough for her to climb, feeling tears streaming down her cheeks. She wanted to cry out in pain and fear but had to stay silent. Instead she covered her mouth and gently sobbed. What was she going to do?

The only thing that gave her any hope was the last words Sanan had said to her, before he pitched her over the cliff: "Pretend to be dead. And then run."

Every protective instinct told her to go back and save Kaoru, but she knew that would be suicide. Sanan had saved her once, but that was no guarantee that he would do it again. So she dragged herself out of the ravine and down the mountain and started the long trek back to Kyoto, and the Shinsengumi. 

The sun was already well above the horizon, implying that Chizuru had been unconscious for much of the night. She still felt woozy, and wondered how much blood she'd lost over those hours to the dirt. She dragged her feet one after the other, the sun beating down on her head and people on the road looking askance at her ragged, blood covered clothing. She could still feel the hole in her stomach, which had been too large to heal all at once. Skin had formed over the top, but it was new and pink and stretched painfully with every step. A few well meaning passers-by asked if she needed help and she just shook her head and raised her hands in denial, unable to explain and unwilling to stop.

The first person she saw when she stumbled into the Shinsengumi headquarters was Nomura, who was napping against the gate as he stood on guard duty. 

"Nomura-kun," she said. "I need to speak to..."

He yawned and blinked at her sleepily and then his eyes got wider and wider as he took in her appearance. "Yukimura-senpai," he said in horror. "What happened? Do you need a doctor? You went missing and we all thought..."

"I'm fine," she said, willing it to be true. "I need to speak to Hijikata-san and Kondou-san. Kaoru's been kidnapped."

Nomura nodded seriously. "Come with me," he said. "I think they're in a meeting."

The moment she walked into the room the meeting erupted into an uproar.

"Yukimura-kun!" said Kondou. "What happened?! 

"Kodo-san has Kaoru," she said. "Sanan-san...he pretended to kill me, so that I could escape. Kodo has so many Furies...they were too strong for me, too strong for both of us." 

"Where are they?"

"Fushimi Inari shrine. You have to save Kaoru! We need to leave right away!"

"Yukimura-kun..." Kondou couldn't meet her eye.

"You're not going to save Kaoru? Don't you even care?"

"Of course I care!" he said, his voice full of emotion. But what good was emotion without action? 

"We'll send people to investigate," said Hijikata. "But a whole temple of Furies that were too strong for you and Sanan...who would we send?"

"Don't worry, Yukimura-kun," said Kondou. "We won't let Kodo-san get away with this. I swear it. But...we're in the middle of planning an attack on the Guardians of the Imperial Tomb. It's too late to stop, and if we split our men, we might end up losing all of them."

"You're attacking The Guardians of the Imperial Tomb?" said Chizuru. "Why? What about Heisuke-kun and Saito-san?"

"Saito's working with us," said Hijikata. "But if Heisuke gets in our way...we'll have to kill him. I'm sorry Yukimura, but that's how it works." 

Kill Heisuke? It was too much on top of everything. She felt her legs tremble. "But why _now_?"

"It turns out they're planning to kill Kondou-san," said Okita. "They're trying to pin Sakamoto's death on Sano, too."

Chizuru nearly fell over in shock. "Sakamoto...Ryouma?"

"Yeah, someone finally killed him," said Okita. "About time, if you ask me, but now they're saying that..."

Chizuru tried to pay attention to what Okita was saying, but his words became indistinct, like they were coming from increasingly far away. Her vision went blurry, and then black. And then she fell into blissful, empty unconsciousness.

She woke up and felt someone holding her hand. She turned and sitting next to the futon was...Heisuke? He was asleep, head collapsed against his chin, like he'd been sitting up and then accidentally fallen asleep. Seeing him alive made her heart ache with longing and relief.

Was this a dream? Or had all the horrible things that happened been a nightmare? But then Chizuru shifted and felt a pain in her stomach, and the sensation of bandages under her nightclothes. 

She hated to wake him, but she couldn't wait.

"Heisuke-kun?" she said, gently shaking him awake. "Heisuke-kun, how are you here? What's happening?"

"Chizuru?" he said. He smiled and it was like the sun coming out. "Oh, you're awake! Thank goodness! How do you feel?"

"Fine," she said. "Please, tell me what's going on! Have they rescued Kaoru?"

The smile turned into an expression of sad regret. "I'm sorry, Chizuru," said Heisuke. "They sent someone to investigate Fushimi Inari shrine and it's empty. Kodo-san already left. Hijikata-san's got people trying to follow the trail, but..."

"We have to go!" She started to stand up and felt a searing pain in her stomach. And then she felt Heisuke gently tugging downwards on her hand. 

"Chizuru," he said, sounding distressed. "You're injured. Susumu said you have a dent the size of his fist in your stomach, and scars all over your arms. What happened to you?"

"I fell off a cliff onto a tree," she said. "I think I probably broke some bones on the way down. But they're all healed up now. I'm a demon, I'll be fine!"

"No you won't! Not against Furies, not when you're still healing! Chizuru I can't...I don't want you to die."

She realised he had tears in his eyes.

"I promise I'll go with you," said Heisuke, his voice cracking with emotion. "I don't know what help I can be, but I'll do everything I can to help you bring back Kaoru. But you have to promise me you'll let yourself heal, ok?"

"I...I promise," she said. Because he was right: she'd been unable to help Kaoru when she was at her full strength, there was no way she could do anything now. She sat back down. "Heisuke-kun," she asked, "How are you here? Did you leave the Guardians of the Imperial Tomb? If you're going to get into trouble for being here..."

"I left," he said. "Hajime got me this message that made it sound like you were dying, and I panicked and found an excuse to get away so I could see you." 

"I'm not dying," she said. "I already feel a lot better than I did before."

"I know," said Heisuke. "Susumu said it looks like you're healing up ok. Hajime got me so worried! But I guess he wanted an excuse to get me out of there before the big battle tonight. You heard about that, right?"

"Mmm," said Chizuru. She felt herself start to cry.

"Oh, Chizuru," said Heisuke. "I'm so sorry. This must be awful for you." He pulled her to his chest and she sobbed against him, feeling comforted by the warmth of his arms around her. "We'll find Kaoru, I swear," he said. "And Sanan-san, too, though he's pretty good at taking care of himself."

"I hope so," said Chizuru. She let herself cry against him. "I thought you were going to die," she sniffed. "I was so worried. And Sakamoto _is_ dead. It's all so...so awful." 

She hadn't really missed Sakamoto in a long time. But he'd been the first person to show her kindness since her childhood, and now he was gone.

"Sakamoto? Are you worried about Sano getting into trouble? He'll be fine, everyone knows he didn't really do it."

Chizuru shook her head. "My friend Saitani-san, that you met before...that was really Sakamoto. I didn't know how to tell anyone, because everyone hated him so much, and now he's _dead_." She burst into tears. "I-I don't know why I'm so upset about this, when Kaoru..."

"Saitani was _Sakamoto_?" said Heisuke. "But he...wait, no, sorry, that's not important." He squeezed her shoulders. "Of course you're upset, he was your friend! And I didn't really hate him, some of the stuff he did was pretty amazing. Especially...especially being kind to you. I'm sorry he was killed."

"Thank you," said Chizuru. There was so much awful about the world right now, so much weighing down her heart. But Heisuke was here, and she was in his arms, and for now that was enough.

* * *

"No you're not," said Kaoru, without even thinking. Sanan, a woman? The idea was ridiculous.

"I can assure you that I am," said Sanan. "I feel that I am the most qualified on the subject to judge."

"No, that's...but you don't look like a woman. Or act like one. Or... _how did you manage it?_ "

"If you were to compare me to my father, I would seem small and delicate," said Sanan. "And as for how I act...I would say that _I_ behave in a more feminine way than you do." He emphasised the polite, feminine way he referred to himself. But lots of men referred to themselves that way. _Kodo_ referred to himself that way, and there was no doubting that _he_ was a man.

Yet now that Kaoru looked at Sanan more closely, he could see signs of roundness in Sanan's face, a softness around his chest and hips. Or perhaps Kaoru only saw those things because he wanted to believe that Sanan had to struggle with them the way Kaoru did. To think that Sanan had been living with this secret the whole time... No wonder Kaoru had recognised something in him of a kindred spirit.

"So you're like me," said Kaoru. 

"In a number of respects, yes."

Kaoru frowned. "So then...why do you keep treating me like a girl?"

"Because I saw no reason not to," said Sanan. "If you would rather I treated you differently way I would have no objection."

"No objection? But you don't _see_..." But of course he didn't see Kaoru as a man, who would? Kaoru punched the futon, and got a sore fist for his trouble. "What's the point. I'm still stuck in this stupid body."

"A sentiment I can well understand," said Sanan. "As a girl yours is the type of body I would have given anything to have." Sanan laughed. "I remember crying myself to sleep because I thought no man would ever marry me. Can you imagine?" 

He...she really was just a woman. Just like Kaoru was. Except Sanan was tall and muscular and beautiful, while Kaoru got to be tiny and delicate. Kaoru's stomach curdled in self hatred and disgust.

"So, what," said Kaoru. "You became a warrior because you weren't _pretty_?" 

"Not quite," said Sanan. "My parents did find me a husband in the end, a clerk who considered my intelligence and education enough to make up for my various physical defects. But I found married life rather unpleasant, especially once it became clear to my husband that I would not bear him children. And since I had shown a proficiency for swordplay I decided the life of a samurai would suit me better."

That sort of unhappy marriage happened to women all the time, but it was very strange to imagine it happening to Sanan. "What happened to your husband?" If Sanan had killed him, that might almost make up for him having existed. 

"I have no idea," said Sanan, smiling. "I haven't seen him or my family in over fifteen years. It was necessary to reinvent myself with a male identity in order to be accepted as a samurai, and they would have rather interfered with that."

Sanan made it sound so easy. "And you did it just like that? Turned up at a dojo and said you were a man?" 

"More or less," said Sanan. "Of course that made me a 'man' with no family connections, so most dojos wouldn't take me. But Kondou-san has always had a commendable ability to look past such matters." Sanan's smile became misty. "He defeated me in a match and said that if I ever wanted to learn how to beat him, I should join his dojo. So I did."

"I don't...it isn't fair!" Kaoru knew he sounded like a petulant child, and didn't care. "Kondou-san has never treated me like anything but a girl. A girl who can fight, but not...not the way he treats you."

"Yukimura-kun," said Sanan. "Kondou-san met me as a man. As an equal. When we met you, the very first words you said were 'I am a poor helpless orphan girl who has lost her father.' Is it any wonder that's the way he sees you?"

"I had no choice! They were going to kill me!"

"I'm not saying you made the wrong decision," said Sanan. "I quite admire your ability to use men's lenience towards women to manipulate them. But once a man sees you as a woman, it is very difficult to make him see you as anything else."

There was no denying that. So, what, Kaoru had to start again from scratch? Escape this mess, then leave the Shinsengumi behind? He'd only been with them for a few years, it should be possible to find new people who would see him as a man. But...

"I'm not sure I can follow your example," said Kaoru. "Once we get out of here...I don't want to have to leave everyone who knows me and start again."

"I'm not saying you should," said Sanan. "I am sorry I didn't recognise our similar situation earlier. But let me offer you the benefit of my experience now: It has been _difficult_ to get men to see past my sex, but not impossible. Kondou-san and Hijikata-kun found out in the end, and a few others have discovered it over the years. Their reactions have not always been ideal, but the vast majority came to respect me once I had proven myself. You will have to let go of the advantages of being seen as a woman to gain that respect, but the advantages of being seen as a man far outweigh them, and to my mind are worth the sacrifice. You need only choose your path, and stick to it."

"Yes, well, it probably helps that you could beat any man who disrespects you into a pulp," said Kaoru. "I don't really have that option."

"It has been necessary on occasion, yes," said Sanan. He smiled. "Do not underestimate your abilities, Yukimura-kun, there are few who could defeat you in a fair fight. And for those few, I would be quite happy to help you beat them."

"Oh," said Kaoru. The idea was certainly appealing. "Thank you."

"It would be my pleasure. I owe you my life, after all."

Now they just had to get out of here. But thinking about that was depressing, and this new side of Sanan was fascinating. Another like him, hiding in plain sight all these years. Or at least...somewhat like him.

"So do you see yourself as a man?" asked Kaoru.

"I see myself as a samurai," said Sanan. "That requires me to live as a man. Asides from the matter of reproduction, which is irrelevant to me, I have never seen gender as anything but an arbitrary social division. Such divisions have their place, but just as Kondou and Hijikata became samurai despite being farmers, I became one despite being a woman. If other samurai would take me seriously as a woman, I would live as one openly. Since they would not, I live as a man."

"Oh." Kaoru frowned, unable to argue with Sanan's logic but feeling empty inside at the thought of following it himself. He did want to be taken seriously as a warrior, perhaps even as a samurai. But he also wanted to be taken seriously as a man, quite separate to the 'arbitrary social divisions of gender', as Sanan put it.

"Shall I take it that your feelings on the matter are different?" asked Sanan. "I certainly don't claim that my own are typical. If you would rather be seen as a man for it's own sake, then that is how I shall see you. Just like I see Kondou as samurai, not a farmer holding a sword."

"But it's all fake to you," said Kaoru. 

"It's _arbitrary_ ," said Sanan. "But so is being a samurai. That doesn't make it not important."

It felt strange to be having this conversation now, when their situation was so precarious. But the danger also made Kaoru feel more free: if he died tomorrow he wouldn't have to face any consequences for things he said today.

"Then...then see me as... as a man," said Kaoru. As when he'd said it to Chizuru, the words felt strange and potent, like saying a spell that might transform him into something large and powerful. Except of course they didn't.

"Very well, Yukimura-kun," said Sanan. "You are a man. And I am a woman. One doesn't normally learn such things about one another so late into an acquaintance, but better late than never."

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Keisuke-chan," said Kaoru, both to see what it would feel like to say and to watch Sanan's reaction. The look of horror he received was quite satisfying. 

"Oh no," said Sanan. "There I draw the line. 'Sanan-san' is still very much the only appropriate name for you to call me."

"Very well, Sanan-san," said Kaoru, snickering. "I was only returning the compliment of you calling me Kaoru-chan before." It occurred to him that Sanan's parents had likely not chosen as masculine a name for their daughter as 'Keisuke'. The idea of Sanan having a more feminine name was very jarring, even if Kaoru would never use it. Kaoru decided not to ask, working on the assumption that if Sanan wanted to change how Kaoru thought of him, he...she would say so.

"I still find it hard to think of you as a woman," said Kaoru. 

"If you would rather think of me as a man," said Sanan. "I would not be insulted. I usually am, but most people who feel that way are men who would rather not admit that someone with our sort of...physical attributes is capable of competence. From a man like _you_ it would feel like more of a compliment."

_A man like you._ The words made Kaoru feel warm and light. It was bizarre that he could feel so happy when his life was such a burning trash-fire, but he did.

"It would be hypocritical deny you your gender when you have accepted mine," said Kaoru. 

"It truly doesn't matter to me one way or the other," said Sanan.

Kaoru found it impossible to imagine. Men and women were so different, how could you see them as equivalent roles? But then he had a thought and laughed. "You're like Inari," he said, gesturing to a devotional banner on the wall praising that god's virtues. "No-one can decide what gender they're supposed to be, either."

"You are comparing me to a god?" asked Sanan. They did not seem to find the comparison displeasing.

"Don't get too conceited," said Kaoru. "Most of the gods are men."

"Hmm," said Sanan, amused. "Yes, a god might be a little too lofty. Perhaps you could think of me as simply a samurai. That is the only role I have ever really cared about."

A samurai? That felt a little like cheating. But when the game was this rigged, maybe cheating was the only way to win.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first time played the Sanan path I was SO CURIOUS about what would happen if Chizuru followed Kodo through those strange red gates, but of course she never does. And then I looked up the actual Fushimi Inari shrine and it's a really interesting place, well worth looking up some pictures of if you're curious.


	9. Chapter 9

Yamazaki leaned over the pot and attacked the radish with pinpoint precision, each slice exactly the same size as the one before. 

"Did you get me the bamboo shoots I asked for?" he asked, not looking up from his task.

"I...think so?" said Chizuru. "Sorry I usually just...buy them."

He looked up at the foraged plants in her hands, and sorted through them methodically. "These are bamboo shoots," he said, "Thank you. But this..." he pulled out a plant that looked identical to Chizuru's eyes, "is toxic. And this is...a rock."

"Oh dear," said Chizuru. "I'm glad you're here to tell the difference, or we'd be in all sorts of trouble! Is there anything else I can do to help?"

"No," he said. "Dinner will be ready in half an hour. Thank you for helping, but you should rest until then."

"You always want me to rest!" she said.

"Because you should always be resting," he replied. "In my opinion, you shouldn't be on this mission at all. But since you are, you need to rest."

"Listen to Doctor Yamazaki," said Heisuke from the other side of the fire. "I could have gotten those bamboo shoots for you. I mean, it would probably all have been rocks, but that could have tasted interesting!"

"I'm not a doctor," said Yamazaki. "And if you want to put rocks in your own dinner I won't stop you."

"Listen to _Mr_ Yamazaki then," said Heisuke, laughing. 

Yamazaki smiled. "Thank you."

"I feel like you're all doctors," said Chizuru. "I'm not going to die if I help out a little."

"And we're not going to starve to death if you don't!" said Heisuke. "Come sit with me by the fire and tell me what you've been doing all day."

"I've spent all day with you," she said, laughing and following his suggestion. "Except the part where I was gathering bamboo shoots."

"And that lasted for ages!" said Heisuke. "I thought you'd been eaten by tigers or something. Next time I'm going with you."

"You were on watch."

He nodded sadly. "I was all alone in the cold, wondering if you'd been eaten by tigers, unable to abandon my post."

"There are no tigers in Japan," said Chizuru. "But next time I'll wait until you can come with me. Maybe between us we can figure out which plants are really food."

"Maybe," said Heisuke. "I'm a city boy, I only recognise plants if they come nicely labelled by a greengrocer." He smiled at Chizuru. "Now, you were going to tell me about gathering bamboos shoots."

"Um," said Chizuru. What was there to say? "The forest is pretty even though it's Winter. The leafless trees and dark earth make the patches of green more refreshing. I found a whole grove of bamboo, which is where I found the shoots and, uh. The rock." Chizuru was very much _not_ from the city, but the Nagumo hadn't wanted her wandering around outside the village, so she didn't have much experience with foraging either. She looked at the small beige lump in her hands. In her defence, it had been right next to all the bamboo shoots, which were also small beige lumps. 

"It's a very tasty looking rock," said Heisuke. "I can see why it fooled you." He took it from her hands and lifted it to his mouth, as if to bite it, and she pulled it away, laughing. 

"What about you," asked Chizuru. "How was being on watch?"

" _Extra-ordinarily_ uneventful," said Heisuke. "I don't want anything bad to happen but...it got a little boring. The only interesting thing that happened was Kimigiku coming to relieve me."

Chizuru nodded. 

The first few days after Kaoru vanished had been intense and terrifying. While Chizuru lay in bed, worrying, the Shinsengumi had scoured the shrine for clues to Kodo's whereabouts, and decided on a plan. Chizuru had wanted the whole organisation to be put on the case, but she had finally been convinced that this was impractical, and that a small team would be faster and more effective. In the end, the Shinsengumi had settled on Yamazaki, with his tracking and stealth skills, and after Sen was told what had happened she'd sent her bodyguard Kimigiku, who was also a ninja, and had the advantage of demon healing.

The argument had been made that the team would be even more fast and effective without Chizuru, but she simply couldn't stay home and let others do the work of saving Kaoru and Sanan. So she'd followed along, and as promised Heisuke had followed with her. His samurai training wasn't especially helpful on the trail, but she found his presence invaluable. Kimigiku and Yamazaki were both decent, hard working people, but they could be very quiet and serious. It was Heisuke's sunny personality that kept up Chizuru's spirits.

And she'd needed it, as the days went on and the trail went cold. Kodo had definitely gone North, but beyond that it was hard to say. Fear and urgency had turned to boredom and cold despair. Right now they were taking turns watching an old mine that had been generating reports of strange activity, but all they'd seen in two days was some bats and a deer. If this lead didn't pan out Chizuru wasn't sure where they'd look next. And yet somehow when Heisuke was around things always seemed less hopeless.

They'd been talking for what felt like barely a few minutes when Yamazaki interrupted them.

"Dinner is ready," he said. "I'm going to take Kimigiku her portion." He was holding a covered bowl, from which Chizuru could smell hints of a faint but delicious aroma. Yamazaki had turned out to be by far the best cook of the four of them. 

"I can take it," said Chizuru. 

"No!" said Yamazaki and Heisuke simultaneously. If Yamazaki resented Heisuke for leaving the Shinsengumi he hid it well, the two of them had quickly settled back into being companionable comrades as if the time apart had never happened. Chizuru hoped it would be the same with the other Shinsengumi when they all returned to Kyoto. 

"I'm _better_ now," she pouted. 

Yamazaki frowned, leaned forward, and poked her very gently in the stomach. She didn't quite manage to hide her wince of pain. Yamazaki's theory was that pieces of wood had gotten stuck inside her and were interfering with her healing. She _was_ getting better, but still found it hard to adjust to having to convalesce from an injury for so long.

"I'm _mostly_ better," she muttered, but didn't object as Yamazaki left to go find Kimigiku. 

"Hey Chizuru," said Heisuke, in a whisper, as they sat down with their food. "You ever notice that Susumu seems to spend a lot of time hanging out with Kimigiku?" Heisuke was the only person she could remember ever hearing refer to Yamazaki as "Susumu", it always amazed Chizuru how Heisuke managed to get onto a first name basis with almost everyone he met. 

"Isn't that to be expected?" asked Chizuru. "They're the ones scouting and doing, um, ninja things." 

"Yeaaaah," said Heisuke, "But he could have gotten me to take her dinner. And he gets real quiet around her sometimes."

"I...suppose?" Yamazaki tended to be quiet around everyone. 

"I think he _likes_ her," said Heisuke, conspiratorially. "I mean, you don't meet girl ninjas very often, do you? And she's pretty, and they seem to get along. I'm not sure how she feels about him though. What do you think, Chizuru?"

"Kimigiku certainly is very pretty," said Chizuru with a deep sigh. Kimigiku's clothes managed to be simultaneously practical, flattering, and elegant, revealing a tall and toned body with the sort of curves Chizuru could only dream of. And even when Kimigiku was jumping through trees or discussing a mission she remained dignified, graceful, and feminine. She had a remarkable personality, too, polite and kind but with a fierce strength of will. Chizuru tried not to compare herself, but it was difficult not to with the four of them always together. "Um. But I'm not sure? It never occurred to me that either of them might think of each other that way. I'll be careful to keep an eye out for clues!"

"...you think Kimigiku is pretty, huh?" said Heisuke. He sounded a little sad. 

"Don't you?" He'd just said so! Why did he sound so upset?

"Sure," said Heisuke. "I guess? I just didn't know you uh...not that you can't think girls are pretty! Hooray for girls, right?" He laughed weakly.

Oh no, did he think _Chizuru_ was interested in Kimigiku? Not that she wasn't, a little bit, Kimigiku really was very pretty. But that wasn't why she'd sighed. Not for the first time, Chizuru wished she could be more honest with Heisuke. There was a _something_ building between them, especially now he'd returned from the Guardians of the Imperial Tomb, and having to hide part of who she was from him made it harder to let that something grow. Maybe she should try to be more honest, just a little bit. She didn't have to tell him everything.

"I um. I do think she's pretty," said Chizuru. "But mostly I...want to be that pretty too?" She immediately wanted to put her hands over her mouth and take back her words. 

"But you are that pretty," said Heisuke, sounding genuinely surprised. "Or...I mean...beautiful?" His voice cracked slightly and he looked away. "You...you look just as nice. Nicer, even."

"For a man," said Chizuru.

"Yes?" said Heisuke. "But men are...men are great! Better than girls, really. Isn't that what everyone says?"

"Is it?" 

"I...know some people say it," said Heisuke. "To be honest, I never really understood it before. But, um. You're prettier than any girl I ever met. Including Kimigiku."

It seemed impossible. "Really?"

"Yeah," he said, blushing. "So, um. Don't be sad, ok?" He was so sincere she couldn't help but believe him, and feel better. 

"Ok," she said. "Sorry to be so vain."

"Nah, everyone worries about this stuff. I'm always comparing myself to Sano and Shinpachi." He muttered, "It would help if they weren't always giving me shit about being small." 

"I think you're just the right size," said Chizuru. "Talking to Harada-san hurts my neck."

Heisuke laughed. "I know, right? There should be a law or something." He poked at his dinner and smiled. "Thanks, Chizuru. You're just the right size too."

* * *

Sanan's hand was warm and dry and and large enough that interlacing their fingers made Kaoru's hand feel slightly stretched. It was a cold December night, but the stars twinkled brightly in a clear sky, and the cool air was refreshing. The path they walked was smooth and well trodden, and all in all circumstances were perfect for a nice walk. Except, you know. For the obvious.

Sanan leaned down, their voice a gentle whisper in Kaoru's ear. "Amputate his ears. Smooth out that head." Kaoru's mind still flipped sometimes between seeing them as a man and seeing them as a woman, it was like a strange sort of double vision. But as time went on it felt like they were simply resolving into being _Sanan_ , uncategorisable and unique. 

"Unimaginative," replied Kaoru, keeping his voice just as soft. "Now the lips..."

Sanan's voice was slightly chiding. "You forget, we already sewed them shut."

Kaoru laughed. "True, how remiss of me."

The object of their discussion turned towards them, his face still sadly intact. For now. "What sweet nothings are you whispering to Kaoru, I wonder?" asked Kodo, with a smile.

"Oh," said Sanan, looking away. "Only observations on the weather." Their voice got a little softer. "And how the cold has made Kaoru-kun's cheeks turn a becoming red."

Kaoru giggled. The "How will we torture Kodo" game had made pretending to be a love-struck girl _much_ more enjoyable. He was so glad he'd come up with it.

Kodo chuckled approvingly. Ugh. Probably imagining litters of super-powered grandchildren.

He still hadn't told them where they were going. They travelled at night, along side roads and forest paths, so that the Furies could travel more easily and without being seen. Kaoru had only ever travelled in daylight along main roads, so while they seemed to be going North he couldn't tell if they were headed towards Edo, or somewhere else. Sanan suspected Kodo had somewhere less populous in mind, but that didn't narrow things down very much. 

And Kodo was always watching. He seemed to believe Kaoru and Sanan's sincerity, for now, but he was no fool. For all that he claimed to see Sanan as an equal he was very cautious about revealing much about Furies, though Sanan had managed to wheedle out a few useful facts. It wouldn't take much of a misstep for Kodo to mistrust them, and he had already shown himself to be ruthless in the face of what he considered disloyalty. So they made sure to always stick to their roles. Which was one thing for Sanan, who was largely playing themself. But Kaoru had spent nearly four years living as a man, or near enough, and going back to being Kodo's daughter was unbearably stifling. 

Kaoru could get away with the odd bit of petulant brattishness: he was playing his former self, after all, and he'd hardly been the most well behaved of children. But he couldn't be himself as he was now.

Eventually it got too much for him, after he'd spent yet another night giggling at Sanan's bland witticisms, and faced yet another day of trying to sleep under the sun's glare, barely filtered by thin clouds and leafless trees. 

He walked over to Sanan, who like all the Furies was sleeping like a log, and poked them awake. "I'm going for a walk." 

Sanan frowned, blinking awake. "Don't be a fool," they said croakily. "You'll look like you're trying to escape. And weren't you the one complaining about your feet being sore?"

"If I don't get some time alone I'm going to explode," said Kaoru. "I need...fresh air. Freedom. Something. I'm going mad." He must sound like a child. "Look. Kodo's off doing who-knows-what, and the guard's asleep. It's as good a time as any."

Sanan considered him silently. "If you must," they said, at last. "Don't be too long."

Kaoru nodded.

He wandered into the trees and had to resist the temptation to just _run_ , to kick against the dirt and put all this behind him and vanish into the forest. But Kodo would just catch him again, and if he somehow didn't, Sanan would end up dead. 

So he just walked far enough that all he could see around himself was the cool greens and browns of the forest, until he felt alone at last. He sat back against a tree and stretched out his legs: his feet _were_ sore, so he didn't feel like standing for long. He wanted to scream, but settled for punching the dirt and letting out a long hiss. He closed his eyes and enjoyed the silence: no subtle sounds of the snoring of fifty men, no disturbing laughter and mutterings about blood. Just his own breath and the sound of the cool breeze through the trees.

Just as he was about to head back he heard a step. He froze, torn between whether he should stay quiet or announce himself in the hopes of claiming innocence.

"There you are," muttered Sanan irritably, approaching through the trees. "Where have you been? Kodo-san will be back any..."

"Kaoru?" Kodo's voice in the distance was gentle, but it sent a stab of fear straight through Kaoru's heart.

"Damn," said Sanan. "We need an excuse for being out here. Perhaps..."

"We should pretend to be having sex," said Kaoru, because it was the first thing that popped into his head.

Sanan gave him a quelling look. "No." They stepped closer to Kaoru. "Open your shirt sleeve. I'll pretend to be drinking your blood."

"Here then," said Kaoru, unbuttoning his shirt at the wrist and holding up his hand.

Sanan shook their head. "There are too many nerves in the hand," they said, like Kaoru was actually going to feel it. They briskly pushed back his shirt and kimono to expose the skin of his arm, then bent down to the level of his elbow.

"You look ridiculous," said Kaoru. 

"Not my first concern," said Sanan, and put their mouth to Kaoru's skin.

Actually having Sanan drink his blood had been painful and disturbing. But this just felt silly, Sanan's hands holding back the fabric of Kaoru's sleeves and holding his arm steady while they bent down to mouth at the inside of Kaoru's elbow. His _elbow_. 

Sanan's mouth was very warm, and wet, a contrast to the cool dry sensation of their fingertips and the chill of the Winter air. Their gentleness was almost irritating, Kaoru kind of wished they'd just bite or suck hard or something. 

"You don't look very convincing," said Kaoru. Where was Kodo? The longer he took to find them, the more suspicious they would seem. 

Sanan responded by biting him. Not hard enough to break the skin, but sharp enough to hurt. Kaoru hissed with pain and he felt his skin vibrate with Sanan's laughter. Sanan sucked a little at the spot, catching the last tingles of the sting, and...and _oh_. 

Kaoru had kissed a bunch of people: some girls from Shimabara, those couple of times with Harada. It had been pleasant enough, and Kaoru had felt enough faint stirrings of desire to understand the appeal of taking things further, at least in principle. The idea of being desired as a woman had been too unappealing for him to want to do anything more in practice.

But somehow Sanan _sucking on the inside of Kaoru's elbow_ felt better than any of that. Maybe that was a thing, maybe Kaoru had stumbled upon some obscure kink that never got mentioned in porn for some reason. 

Or maybe he was just really into Sanan. Kaoru thought about what it would be like to kiss Sanan and...yeah, ok, it wasn't that he had a thing for elbows. This wasn't a surprise, exactly, he'd always thought Sanan was attractive and the last few days had only cemented that fact, what with all the hand holding and only-somewhat-fake flirting. But this was something else. He couldn't quite stop himself from making a small moan.

Sanan looked up and their eyes met. Kaoru immediately knew that Sanan could tell what Kaoru was feeling, and that Sanan was feeling it too. Sanan's eyes had gone dark, and there was something open and needy in their expression. Kaoru felt like he and Sanan were sharing a single mind, with only one thought. The two of them stayed where they were for a breath, staring at each other. 

"There you are!" Kodo's tone wasn't quite as friendly as it pretended to be. 

Sanan jumped away from Kaoru. "I'm sorry," they said. "I shouldn't have..."

"What exactly are you doing to my daughter?" asked Kodo.

"Sanan-san...he needed blood," said Kaoru. "I couldn't let him suffer."

"I apologise unreservedly for the impropriety," said Sanan, with a deep bow.

"I should think so!" said Kodo. What a dirty old hypocrite he was. "I won't allow you to behave in this manner." He paused. "Not when you're not even _engaged_." He gave Sanan a significant look. Kaoru and Sanan had discussed how long they could put off forming any sort of formal engagement: it looked like they'd reached that limit. 

"You are very right," said Sanan. "Kodo-san...may I ask...would you consent for me to marry your daughter?"

"Of course," said Kodo, flipping immediately to his cheerful old man persona. "I am so happy for you both! Welcome to the Yukimura clan, Sanan-kun."

"Thank you, Kodo-san," said Sanan. "I am honoured to become a part of your family." There was no question of Kaoru joining _Sanan's_ family, for all that Kodo pretended to be a traditionalist he had no interest in handing off a valuable resource like Kaoru to some human clan.

"Hey," said Kaoru. "You didn't ask _my_ permission." He wasn't actually angry at Sanan, who was only playing their part. But he was furious at Kodo, and this was the only way he had to express it. 

"Kaoru," said Kodo, the faintest hint of a threat in his tone. 

"Oh," said Sanan. "How terrible of me. Dearest Kaoru-chan. Would you make me the happiest man in the world?"

Kaoru giggled. "Of course I will, silly. I was just teasing."

Kodo was jubilant, as day turned into night and they began the next leg of their travels. He kept smiling at Kaoru and Sanan as they walked. It was creepy as hell, and almost enough to stop Kaoru thinking obscene thoughts every time his legs brushed against Sanan's. 

Almost, but not quite. 

Sanan found him attractive. Sanan found him attractive, and saw him as a man, and showed every sign of liking him as a person. And Kaoru was attracted to Sanan, and liked being around them, and found their ambiguous gender less of an obstacle than he might have expected. They could have sex and it would probably be...great? Especially considering Sanan's years of experience. The more Kaoru thought about it the more he liked the idea. Now he just had to find the opportunity to be alone with Sanan.

And it turned out Kodo's errand that day had been acquiring his next base of operations, an abandoned estate deep in farming country. Well, he described it as 'abandoned' to Sanan and Kaoru, but from the blood stains and signs of struggle Kaoru suspected the inhabitants had only recently vacated it, and ended up in the bellies of Kodo's furies.

"And here is your room," he said with a flourish, bringing them to a large and well appointed room.

"Whose, mine or Sanan-san's?" asked Kaoru.

"Why, both!" said Kodo. He responded to Sanan's protests with smug aphorisms about young love and left them with a spring in his step and hopes for murderous grandchildren in his heart.

"So much for a long courtship," muttered Sanan, as the door closed behind them. 

"Oh well," said Kaoru, and pulled Sanan down into a kiss.

Or at least, he tried to. Sanan stood very straight and very still and simply stared down at Kaoru impassively. "What are you trying to do?" they asked, coolly.

"...kiss you," said Kaoru, feeling unbelievably self conscious. But it wasn't like he could get away with pretending he'd been doing anything else. Had he misread things entirely?

"So you wish to follow your father's wishes," said Sanan. Oh, were they still feeling creeped out by Kodo? That was understandable, Kodo was certainly pretty creepy.

"My father wants me to get pregnant," said Kaoru. "He doesn't want me having my way with a woman." Not that Sanan really was a woman, but Kodo would see them that way.

Sanan just raised one eyebrow and thinned their lips.

"I take it you don't want to," said Kaoru. He felt like an idiot, and confusion swirled with resentment and a deep sense of emptiness. Didn't Sanan want this? Didn't they want _him?_

"Well observed," said Sanan. 

"Fine," said Kaoru, trying to keep his voice level. "I won't force you."

"How generous of you," said Sanan. They didn't point out that they had a foot on Kaoru and ten times his strength. 

"Ugh." Kaoru took off his cape and folded it neatly to sit on top of the dresser. "Forget it. You can have the left side of the bed. I promise not to try to _compromise your virtue_."

"I suppose I should have expected this," said Sanan, with a sigh. "You _are_ a twenty one year old boy alone with a woman after all."

Kaoru usually got a kick from being called a boy, but not in this context. "I'm a twenty one year old _man_ ," he said. "And I don't even like women. I just..." _I like you_. But he couldn't say that. Not when Sanan was being like this. Probably not ever.

"Have a taste for older men?" When alone with Kaoru, Sanan tended to switch how they defined themselves to whatever was most rhetorically effective in the moment. Kaoru sometimes found it a little dizzying. "Well, when we get out of here I'll put in a good word for you with Hijikata-kun. Please keep your youthful energies in check until then."

" _Hijikata?!_ I don't..." Kaoru realised Sanan was baiting him. Because yes, fine, he did think Hijikata was kind of hot, and it was mortifying to know that anyone had noticed. But it was also besides the point. "Are you really going to claim you're not attracted to me?"

"Of course I'm attracted to you," said Sanan, as if it was nothing. As if the moment they'd shared in the forest was the sort of thing Sanan experienced all the time. Maybe it was. Maybe it _was_ a sign of Kaoru's youth that he'd never felt this way about anyone before. That didn't make the rejection any less excruciating. "Not all of us choose to be ruled entirely by our passions." 

"What," said Kaoru, bitterly. "You don't want to be unfaithful to your husband?"

Sanan laughed. "It's a little late for _that_ ," they said. So it wasn't that they objected to sex in general. Just to Kaoru. "But I do not enjoy the sort of casual liaisons you're inclined to pursue."

"Since when have I...wait, do you mean Harada?" People knew about that? Wait, of course people knew about that. The Shinsengumi thrived on gossip. "We just kissed, nothing significant." 

"I would not consider kissing you _nothing significant_ ," said Sanan. "I'm sorry if that's inconvenient." Just hearing them say _kissing you_ made Kaoru tense with longing and frustration.

"So, what, you want to wait until we're married? Because that's probably going to happen pretty soon."

"A marriage formed under these circumstances hardly counts," said Sanan.

"We'd have to escape here and then become _properly_ married?" said Kaoru, with a bitter laugh. "Wow, no wonder you're single. I just wanted to kiss you, I wasn't proposing."

"I didn't think you were," said Sanan. "And I wouldn't require...it doesn't matter. We should go to sleep." They took off their kimono, revealing the lithe form of their body in the thin fabric of their kosode. Kaoru was going to _die of sexual frustration_.

He took off his own kimono, and his shirt and trousers. He thought about stripping further, but it would be too embarrassing to be naked and _still_ get rejected. Which he absolutely would, Sanan was as stubborn as a mule. 

"Last chance at all this," said Kaoru, somewhat ironically. His underwear was certainly revealing, but it wasn't exactly _sexy_.

Sanan stared at him for a moment. Were their cheeks pink, or was that just wishful thinking? "I very much doubt that," they said. 

Kaoru felt himself blush. Fine, yes, if Sanan actually expressed any interest Kaoru's desire to spite them by saying no would last about five seconds. 

The two of them lay side by side in the single futon, as far apart as the space would allow. Kaoru thought about pointedly masturbating, but he didn't feel like it now, and anyway Sanan would probably say something cutting and then Kaoru would feel even worse about himself. Instead he closed his eyes and tried not to think about the fact that Sanan was a hands-breadth away and yet entirely untouchable.

He woke up lying atop Sanan's chest, with Sanan very gently playing with his hair. Sanan's chest was comfortably soft, and for a moment he simply luxuriated in the sensation of comfort and intimacy, before his mind caught up and became a mess of confusion. Kaoru tried to keep his breathing even as he felt Sanan's fingers lightly brush the top of his head, but he must have sounded different or moved slightly, because Sanan almost immediately stopped and pulled away his hand. 

Kaoru tried to sound smug and not confused and overwhelmed as he tilted his head up at Sanan and ran a finger lightly up Sanan's chest. "Good morning, fiancé," he said, with a half-lidded smile. What the hell was Sanan's _deal_? 

"Get off," said Sanan darkly. Kaoru really didn't want to, Sanan's body was warm and solid and felt _really good_. They looked different without their glasses, too, and enticingly rumpled with their hair tousled by sleep. 

"What," said Kaoru, reaching up towards Sanan's face, "You can play with my hair but I can't play with yours? That doesn't seem fair."

Kaoru's fingers had barely brushed the tips of Sanan's hair when they grabbed his hand in an iron grip. "Fair doesn't come into it. I told you to stop."

"I don't recall giving _you_ permission," said Kaoru. Sanan looked away. "Which is not to say I wouldn't have given it, I just find your behaviour a little confusing. Am I only appealing to you when I'm asleep?" He gave a little sigh. "I suppose I can work with that. Do I have to actually be asleep or is it enough if I just lay very still?" He hoped that wasn't _actually_ Sanan's deal, but at this point he'd take what he could get. 

"Tch," said Sanan. Apparently they weren't at their most articulate when they'd just woken up. Then they grabbed Kaoru's shoulder with their other hand and flipped him over onto his back, pinning him to the futon. "What do I have to do to get you to stop wittering?" 

"Kiss me," said Kaoru, who found he was enjoying being pinned down by someone larger than him rather more than he would have expected. 

"As you wish," said Sanan, softly. They leaned down, their breath warm, so that their face was inches from Kaoru's. Kaoru could feel his heart speeding up in anticipation, mixed with a touch of fear. And then Sanan leaned that little bit further and kissed Kaoru lightly on the cheek. 

"That's not what I me..." 

Sanan put their finger to Kaoru's lips with enough force that Kaoru's couldn't form the words to speak. "Perhaps this will teach you to be more specific," they said, leaning back with a self satisfied smile. Before Kaoru could free himself enough to bite Sanan's finger, they moved to their feet with fluid grace. 

"Well," said Sanan with a sunny smile. "I don't know about you, but I could do with some breakfast."

What a _weirdo_ Sanan was.

_Good thing I like weird_ , thought Kaoru, _not to mention a challenge_. He smiled back at Sanan. "Absolutely," he said. "I'm famished."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm pretty sure you can't actually forage for bamboo shoots in December but it was the most plausible thing I could find. These are special AU bamboo shoots that grow a few months earlier.


	10. Chapter 10

It was strange to hear the way ordinary people described Furies: white haired demons, ghosts, soldiers who wouldn't die. But there was no doubting they'd been here: if the descriptions of red eyes and white hair weren't enough, there was the pile of blood-drained bodies hidden in a ditch, without any attempt at a respectful burial. 

There was also no doubting that the Furies were gone. 

Chizuru walked the cold corridors of the empty house and wondered how scared Kaoru must have felt when he stayed here. Sanan, too: it was a little strange to think of Sanan as ever being scared, but he must be, afraid for himself and for Kaoru and for what Kodo might do.

Kodo had been very thorough in destroying any clues to his plans, all they'd found in his workshop were some chemical stains and a pile of burned ash that might once have been papers. The only other signs that he'd been here were the mindless acts of destruction left by his Furies: broken windows, cuts in the wall, piles of half eaten food left to rot. Not every room in the house was like that, though, and Chizuru could only hope that Kaoru and Sanan had been able to keep themselves relatively safe within their prison.

"D'you find anything?"

Chizuru shook her head.

"Yeah, me either," said Heisuke. "But I bet Susumu and Kimigiku will find something."

"I hope so," said Chizuru. She sighed. "I should be there, protecting Kaoru. It's my fault I'm not with them."

"Chizuru," said Heisuke. "You got _stabbed and thrown off a cliff._ "

"But before that, if I'd just been better at lying..."

"You did a better job than I would have," said Heisuke. "Kodo-san still thinks Kaoru and Sanan-san are on his side, right? If it was me, I'd have given them away in seconds. I mean, how often did I accidentally let slip details to you about Furies when I wasn't supposed to?"

"A few times," admitted Chizuru. 

"More than a few," said Heisuke. "Kaoru and Sanan-san are alive because you kept your tongue. And I bet they're grateful for it."

"I _hope_ they're alive."

"I'm sure they are," said Heisuke. "We've just got to find them."

"Thank you, Heisuke-kun," said Chizuru. "You're right, I shouldn't lose hope." She smiled at him. "I'm so glad you're here."

"Really?" he said. "I feel kind of useless."

"No, Heisuke-kun," she said, impulsively grabbing his hand. "I couldn't do any of this without you."

He stared at his hand in hers, and then grabbed hold with his other hand, giving Chizuru a big smile that made her worries seem very far away.

"Then I'm not going anywhere," he said. "I'll stay by your side for...for as long as you want."

 _Then stay forever_ , she thought. But she just smiled. 

"Did you guys have any luck?" asked Heisuke, when the four of them met up on the central hall after doing their respective searches. But Kimigiku and Yamazaki had to sadly their shake their heads. 

"Nothing but ash and destruction," said Yamazaki, who could be oddly poetic at times. 

"We've been looking for clues Kodo-san may have left behind by accident," said Kimigiku. "But is it possible Sanan-san or Kaoru-san might have left us a hidden message?" 

"What kind of message?" said Chizuru.

"I'm not sure," replied Kimigiku. "But if it was me, I would try to leave one."

"Me too," said Yamazaki. "Good thinking."

Kimigiku smiled. "Sadly I don't know Sanan-san or Kaoru-San as well as any of you. Where do you think they would hide such a thing?"

Heisuke narrowed his eyes thoughtfully and tapped his chin with his finger. "Hmm..." he said. "Somewhere...sneaky." 

They split up to make another search of the house, this time flipping through books and checking under drawers and searching all the other hiding spaces the four of them could come up with between them. They eventually found success in one of the bedrooms, Heisuke making a triumphant shout that drew the others to see his discovery. 

He stood by a large painting on the wall and tilted it to the side with a flourish. And there, behind it, were two messages scratched into the wall.

The first was in characters so small and neat they seemed printed:

> Kodo heading North-Mitsu? Approx. 50 Furies, stronger than ours. Vulnerable to silver. Sanan.

The next was in larger, more expressive characters, solidly scratched out where he'd changed his mind about what to say:

> We're fine. Bring silver bullets. Yukimura Kaoru.

Chizuru nearly collapsed with relief. 

Yamazaki's voice was thoughtful. "Silver bullets...can any of you use a gun?"

Chizuru thought sadly of Sakamoto and shook her head. Kimigiku had to shake her head as well. 

"No," said Heisuke. "But I bet I can learn."

* * *

Kaoru knew he was bored when he started doing housework for fun. This new house Kodo had stolen didn't have much of a library, so once he'd read all the books Kaoru started arranging them by subject, and then by colour, and then for lack of anything better to do dusted all of the shelves. 

By the time Sanan returned from whatever more exciting thing he'd been doing all day, Kaoru was in the middle of sorting the food in the pantry into "edible", "inedible" and "maybe the Furies will eat it". As far as he could tell, the Furies mostly subsisted on a diet of human flesh, and their standards beyond that were very low. But Sanan made sure the Furies ate regular meals: as they'd explained to Kaoru, not only was it the right thing to do, it might create a sense of loyalty Sanan could take advantage of later.

"Don't worry, I'm not cooking," said Kaoru, giving a brief nod to Sanan as he entered the house. "I'll leave that to you and Kodo-san." Hopefully Sanan: Kodo's cooking wasn't bad, but it always made Kaoru feel a little nostalgic, thinking of happy times with Kodo as a child, and then he felt gross.

"Mmm," said Sanan, sounding distracted. Kaoru looked up at them properly and realised their expression was very strained, as if they were trying not to show a frown, or even to hold back tears.

"Are you well?" he asked.

"Never better," said Sanan, briefly closing their eyes and then giving a sigh. "I'm not hungry. I'm going to bed."

"I'll join you," said Kaoru, wanting to know what was up.

Sanan winced. Kaoru had mostly given up on getting Sanan to get over whatever weird moral quirk had made them decide to ignore their mutual attraction. While the two of them still shared a futon, and sometimes woke up closer together than they'd gone to sleep, Sanan did their best to touch Kaoru as little as possible, and so Kaoru felt obliged to do the same. That hadn't stopped him teasing Sanan about it sometimes, though, and it looked like that's what they thought he was doing now.

"Not like that," said Kaoru. "Come. If you tell me about your night I'll tell you about mine."

"What happened to you?" asked Sanan as they headed towards the bedroom.

"Well, let me see..." said Kaoru. "I saw a spider, and I squashed it. I found some dried seaweed in the pantry and ate almost the whole package, so I hope you weren't planning on making sushi. I started counting the hairs on my arm but lost track once I hit two hundred and thirty four..."

At last they reach the privacy of their bedroom, and Kaoru could stop rambling about nothing.

"So what's the problem," he said. "You're obviously upset."

"Kodo-san took me on a hunt," said Sanan, their voice low and hoarse.

"Oh," said Kaoru. Until now, Kodo had kept Sanan and Kaoru away from the more violent aspects of his life. He'd known they knew what he was doing, but had seemed to want to let them live in a bubble of denial. Maybe he'd decided that wasn't necessary any more.

"He took us to an army barracks, I suppose as a sop to my _delicate sensibilities_. But some of the men were having their families visit, and by the time he realised it was too late." Sanan shuddered. "I have long been at peace with the idea of never having children myself. But to have their blood on my hands..."

"It's not your fault," said Kaoru. "Whatever you did, it was necessary. You didn't have a choice." 

"No," said Sanan. "I didn't. I'm sure I could have rationalised it to myself, but I didn't have to. The moment I smelled the blood I was just another Fury, with no control, no mercy, and no thought in my head but hunger." 

"But you're not like that now. There's more to you than that." His fingers itched to reach out to Sanan, to comfort him with touch, but he wasn't sure how that touch would be received. 

"Is there? Aren't we all of us the sum of our choices and actions?" 

Seeing Sanan so miserable filled Kaoru with fury, and an intense desire to make Kodo suffer. He had to restrain himself from ranting angrily. Instead he promised himself that Kodo's time would come, and tried to offer Sanan what comfort he could. "You said yourself you had no choice. This is Kodo-san's responsibility, not yours." 

"I chose to drink the Water of Life," said Sanan. "I knew I would likely kill innocents- I knew I could well end up killing _you_. I have experimented on human beings and drove the Furies under my command to do things they would never have done were they in their right minds. What difference is there, really, between Kodo-san and myself?"

Of course there were similarities. Kaoru wasn't blind to the fact that Sanan and Kodo both hid a ruthless capacity for violence behind polite speech and gentle smiles. But that didn't make them the same. 

"Every difference!" said Kaoru. "Would you ever betray Kondou-san the way Kodo-san was going to betray Chizuru? Would you ever treat _anyone_ the way Kodo-san has treated me?"

"I don't know," said Sanan. "I might, under the right circumstances."

"But you haven't yet, have you?" said Kaoru. "Who knows what any of us are capable of under the 'right circumstances'. I know what you are, the things you've done. And you are a good person, Sanan-san. A true samurai." 

"You don't even believe in the way of the warrior," said Sanan.

"I'm not entirely sure I believe in goodness, either," said Kaoru. "But I can still recognise it in others. And I recognise it in you."

Sanan stared at him in silence. And then they said "Thank you, Yukimura-kun. I'm not sure I can agree with you, but... Your words have eased my heart more than you can know."

Kaoru felt a weight lift off him. He hated to see Sanan upset. "So," he said. "I'm not sure how to not make this sound flirtatious but...do you want to...play with my hair? Or get a hug or something?"

"Thank you," said Sanan, "But that won't be necessary."

"What about if I gave you some of my blood?"

"No!" Sanan backed away, eyes wide with horror. "Yukimura-kun, what about any of this makes you think I want to hurt you as _well_?"

"I realise you're probably not...in need of sustenance right now," said Kaoru, calmly. "But later on...if you drink my blood, won't that mean you wouldn't have to drink from humans? It _doesn't_ hurt me, and demon blood is more powerful, isn't it? Wouldn't that mean you need less?" 

"Yes," said Sanan. "And I do appreciate your generosity. But you're already trapped here with me...to feed from you as well, it's obscene."

"Isn't it better to be obscene than a murderer?" If this was all he could do for Sanan, if it was the only way they could be close, then how could it be wrong?

"Perhaps," said Sanan. They sighed and turned away, shoulders slumped. "I'll let you know if I ever decide."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was determined not to post any more chapters until I'd finished the whole story, but then started to feel overwhelmed by how much of it there was and remembered why I post a chapter at a time! Still, 11 and 12 are basically finished and I have a moderately detailed plan written out for 13. Which should be the last! Probably! (There were only 12 chapters this morning...)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a bit of Trans Angst this chapter, but things get better next chapter!

"Do you find it strange living among humans?" asked Kimigiku. 

Chizuru remembered those bewildering first few days with Sakamoto after she escaped the Nagumo, and all the things she'd had to learn since then so as to pass as human. It all felt so natural now that she sometimes she forgot she had anything to hide.

"Not any more," she said. "Do you?"

Was Kimigiku feeling overwhelmed by Edo, as Chizuru had felt overwhelmed by human cities at first? But Chizuru knew that she'd spent a lot of time in Kyoto, which was not really all that different. Perhaps she was just trying to get to know Chizuru better.

It was the first time they'd really had a chance to talk since arriving in Edo, with most of the day having been spent finding accomodation, reading correspondence, and deciding on their plans. Chizuru would have expected Kimigiku to feel more strange about sharing accomodation with men than with humans, it was nice to know she saw Chizuru as more like her than not.

"It is a little strange to do so for such a long period," said Kimigiku. "I have visited human cities many times, and pretended to be human myself when it was required. But it was always simply a role I was playing, and I soon returned home. And I was always with Princess Sen."

"You've been with her a long time, haven't you?" said Chizuru. 

"Yes, five years." She gave a small, fond smile. 

"I'm sorry we took you away from her." The loyalty Kimigiku displayed towards Sen was deep and exceptional. It spoke well of the princess that she inspired such feelings in a remarkable woman like Kimigiku.

"It was the Princess's decision," said Kimigiku, her voice soft. "I must admit...I did not understand at first. She has been my life for so long...I thought perhaps I had displeased her. But it has been...an interesting holiday, to be amongst those who have little power over me. Not that the Princess would ever abuse that power, but..."

"I understand," said Chizuru. She thought about her own life amongst the Shinsengumi, and how things were different now. "I suppose it's the same for me. There's no-one to give orders, we just...figure things out between us. It's a little bit weird."

"Yes," said Kimigiku. "But not unpleasant. I sometimes forget that Toudou-san and Yamazaki-san are only human...that they are human, that is." She gave a wry smile. "It's so easy to think of them as lesser, isn't it? But we're not so different, really. And whatever my upbringing, my blood is more human than demon."

"Mine is entirely demon," said Chizuru. "And I don't think I'm better than them _or_ you. Who cares what blood someone has? We're still all people."

"Hmm," said Kimigiku, which from someone raised to be a demon woman meant _no, you're wrong_. "I can respect humans, and my own human ancestors, without forgetting that I am a demon myself. If we do not hold onto our identity we risk losing ourselves, outnumbered as we are." 

"Hmm," said Chizuru.

"I speak of the general principle," said Kimigiku. "Not every demon must define themselves as a demon first and foremost. Otherwise we risk becoming..."

"Like Kodo-san," said Chizuru.

"Yes," said Kimigiku. "Or Lord Kazama, or any other such demon who uses the good of their clan as an excuse to ignore every principle that demons are supposed to value. For me, to be a demon means to be concerned for the good of all others of my kin, including those who choose to live differently to myself. That is the principle the Princess follows, and the law of her village." 

"When you say things like that, I can understand...understand why someone might be proud to be a demon," said Chizuru. 

Kimigiku gave an understanding smile. "And when I think of what you and Kaoru-san have experienced, I understand why you choose to live amongst humans."

"Thank you," said Chizuru. "I...we do both truly appreciate the offer to stay in Yase village, even though we didn't take it. I am sure it's lovely."

"It is," said Kimigiku. "When Kaoru-san is safe, both of you should come to stay...not permanently, but just to visit. I know it would make Princess Sen happy."

"Hmmm," said Chizuru. "That's very kind of you, but I, uh..."

"Don't worry," said Kimigiku. "While it would also make Princess Sen happy if you changed your mind, she understands your reluctance to take on such a heavy responsibility. She is no Lord Kazama, to press a suit past the point of rejection. You would be welcome simply as friends."

"Then...oh, Heisuke!" Chizuru noticed him at the door, with Yamazaki a few steps behind.

"Uh, hi!" he said. "Sorry, I didn't want to interrupt you talking. Susumu and me are going to baths, want to come with us?"

"A public bath?" asked Kimigiku.

"Yeah!" said Heisuke. "There's a nice big one around the corner, I remember it being really good."

"My apologies," said Kimigiku. "But I prefer to bathe alone."

Demons segregated their baths by gender. Chizuru remembered her shock the first time she'd gone to a public bath with Sakamoto, seeing so many men and women and children all bathing together. Chizuru found she liked it more this way, but could understand why Kimigiku might feel self conscious.

"Oh, hey, that's ok!" said Heisuke. "We'll see you later, then. What about you Chizuru?"

"I'd love a proper bath," she said. 

"Great!"

Edo was a lot like Kyoto, but even more loud and modern. Walking down the crowded city streets she was reminded of all the times the Shinsengumi members had reminisced about their times together here. Did the friends she'd left behind in Kyoto miss this city, and the simpler times they'd shared here? The news from Kyoto wasn't good, and it was hard not to worry. She worried most for Kondou, who had been shot: he was recovering, but it wasn't clear if he'd ever regain the full use of his arm. She thought of Sanan, and how such an injury had sent his life on a darker path. Thoughts of Sanan led naturally to thoughts of Kaoru. Where was he, now? Was he safe? Was he suffering?

She thought too of Heisuke's childhood, growing up in these streets as the illegitimate son of a single mother, not knowing where he fit into society or what to do with his life. He didn't like to talk much about that part of his life, but his affection for the city itself was clear.

"Are you enjoying being in Edo again, Heisuke?" she asked.

"Yeah, it's great!" he said. "You ever been here before, Chizuru?"

"When I was very young," she said. "For a little while. But I don't really remember. What about you, Yamazaki-san?"

"No," he said. "This is my first visit."

"I'll have to show you guys around!" said Heisuke. "Kyoto's nice and all, but it's not _Edo_."

When they got to the bath, Yamazaki undressed efficiently and immediately began the task of getting clean, leaving Heisuke and Chizuru standing by the entrance.

_Get it together Chizuru,_ she thought, _you've bathed with Heisuke before. Don't make it weird._

She got undressed and clean as quickly as she could and then walked into the bath without looking behind to see if Heisuke was following. The bath was huge, steaming water and naked humans as far as the eye could see. She couldn't see Yamazaki, so stepped into the water and found an empty place to sit. It was very warm, and she felt the cold of Winter soaking out of her bones.

"Hey," said Heisuke, as he sat down next to her. "Where did Yamazaki go?" 

"I'm not sure," she said. 

Heisuke had pulled his hair into a rough bun on top of his head and little strands had fallen down around his face. She wanted to reach over and smooth them out of his eyes.

"I guess it's just you and me, then," said Heisuke. He ducked under the water a little more, so that it covered his shoulders, and the unstable mass of his hair started to unravel in front of Chizuru's eyes.

Without thinking she reached up and put her hand on his head to stop his hair falling into the water. 

"Chizuru?" said Heisuke, looking at her with confusion.

"Your hair. It's about to fall."

"Oh!" he laughed. "It's a good thing you have such fast reflexes."

"Um, do you want me to help you put it up again?"

"Uh...yeah! Thanks!" 

Trying to wrangle Heisuke's hair without any of it falling into the water was quite a challenge. Every time she had most of it under control little strands would do their best to escape. It felt nice, though, smooth and soft under her fingers. "Your hair's so long!" she said, as she wound it into a neater bun and did her best to tie it into a stable shape.

"Yeah, it's kind of ridiculous," said Heisuke. 

"I like it," said Chizuru. Heisuke gave a small smile and Chizuru was struck by how close their faces were. She almost got lost in the warmth of his eyes, looking at her with tender affection.

Suddenly a loud voice shouted at her. "Rarr! I'm a demon!"

Chizuru nearly jumped out of the water, but it was just a small child, making a face. 

"Rarr!!" repeated the child, grinning.

"Oh no!" she said, with a theatrical gasp. "Not a _demon_! I'm so scared!"

"Hahaha!" said the child. And then it ran off.

"Anything but a demon, hey Chizuru?" snickered Heisuke.

"Yeah," said Chizuru, with a smile. She realised she still had her fingers in Heisuke's hair, and that it wasn't just their faces that were close. "Um. I think your hair should be stable now."

"Thanks."

They both sank back down until the water reached their chins. 

There was a splashing sound and they were approached by a young woman. "Excuse me young ladies," she said. "Have you seen my kid?"

"About four feet high?" said Heisuke, "Round head? Likes making faces at people?"

"That's the one," said the woman with a sigh. 

Chizuru pointed. "I think you want to go that way."

"Thank you," said the woman, and started swishing through the water in the direction the child had run. "Yamada Ren!" she shouted. "Stop causing trouble or I won't bring you here again!"

"That lady needs to get her eyes checked," muttered Heisuke, as the woman walked away. "We're not _that_ short." He didn't seem especially annoyed, but it was still strange to reminded that to Heisuke, being seen as a woman felt bad, and that he expected Chizuru to feel the same way.

They sat quietly for a while, enjoying the warm water. Bathing on the road was an unpleasant affair at this time of year, so this was the first time in a while that Chizuru had felt properly clean. The steamy air rang with the cheerful voices of the people of Edo, discussing business and family and their favourite books. A middle aged couple sitting nearby were the loudest voices, having an argument about which of them was responsible for their son being such a no-good layabout. Eventually they settled on it really being the son's wife's fault, and started talking about politics.

"Well I hope you're happy," said the man. "Your precious Emperor is in charge, all that peace and prosperity you said would happen should be just around the corner, right?"

Heisuke winced. They'd all been so focussed on looking for Kodo it had been easy to miss how much the political situation in the outside world had been changing. Chizuru wasn't sure how Heisuke felt about it all now, though she did know he'd lost his faith in the Guardians Of the Imperial Tomb, even before they fell to the Shinsengumi. 

"Don't blame Emperor Meiji," said the woman. "He is a good and noble young man. If there's war, it'll be the Shogun who starts it. He doesn't want to admit he's been beaten. But he'll learn his place soon, him and all his treasonous thugs."

"They're not thugs!" said the man. "They're patriots! Ok, except maybe those Roshingumi or whatever they're called. But _most_ of the Shogun's men..."

"Want to get out and grab a snack?" said Chizuru.

"Yeah," said Heisuke. "I think that's enough bathing for now."

Even once they were dressed they couldn't find Yamazaki. They decided he would just join them at the inn later, and started making their way back. On the way there, Heisuke insisted Chizuru try what he claimed was the best odango in Japan. She wasn't sure it was any better than the odango they sold in Kyoto, but it was pretty good, especially when she was eating it with Heisuke.

They chatted cheerfully in the restaurant, but once they got back onto the street he got a little quiet. Then he said, "Um, so, Chizuru." He paused. "What was that Kimigiku was saying about Princess Sen and, um, you?"

"Oh," said Chizuru. "Princess Sen, um. Asked me to marry her."

"What?" said Heisuke. He stopped in the street and just stared at Chizuru for a few moments. She self consciously looked at her feet. "I knew you two were friends," he said, "But..." His voice got a little high and wobbly. "Has she fallen in love with you? Not that that would be...surprising. But...um...wow." He trailed off into silence.

"Oh no, she's not in love with me!" said Chizuru. Sen had been very clear on the subject. She seemed to see love as a cute but bizarre quirk that other people had to worry about. "We really are just friends. But she said it was really hard for her to find men she was able to be friends with, especially demon men. And she doesn't want to marry a man she doesn't like and trust. That's why she asked me."

"Oh," said Heisuke, his voice still weak. "And you...said no?"

"Yes!" said Chizuru. Oh dear, had that not been clear? "I like Sen-chan a lot. But...but I'm not sure I want to married to the leader of a demon clan."

"Aren't you already the leader of the Yukimura clan?"

"Yes but that only has th...two people in it," she said. Chizuru had never thought she'd use the ability to banish people from her clan, but she was _absolutely_ banishing Kodo the first chance she got. "The Yase clan has hundreds of demons in it. Sen-chan said I could keep being a Yukimura, but our, uh, children would be Yase, and be raised to rule the village. Having that responsibility...I'm not sure I can do it. And I just..." All the reasons being Sen's husband would be a nightmare threatened to utterly overwhelm Chizuru, even without the worry about what it would mean for her and Heisuke. "I just don't want to marry her."

"Well then don't," said Heisuke. "I think it's pretty cool you got proposed to by a princess, but you should marry...marry whatever kind of girl you really like."

Did he think that was something she wanted? Was it something he wanted? "What if I don't..."

"Excuse me," said Yamazaki, appearing next to Chizuru without warning. She managed not to let out an undignified squeak. 

"There you are!" said Heisuke. "Where have you been?"

"I was listening to various conversations," said Yamazaki. "A public bath is a good place to gauge the general sentiments of the population."

"Huh, I guess that makes sense," said Heisuke. "So what did you learn?"

"People are worried about the possibility of war," he said. "And trust in the Shogun is very low, especially since the return of Imperial rule."

"...yeah," said Heisuke.

"I'm sorry I dragged you two away from Kyoto," said Chizuru. Because if there was to be war, Kyoto was going to be in the centre of it. "I'm sure you want to be supporting the Shinsengumi."

"I'm supporting Kaoru-kun and Sanan-san," said Yamazaki. "And Kodo-san is a significant threat, to the Shinsengumi and the country in general."

"And I'm... _we're_ supporting you," said Heisuke. "That's important too."

"Thank you," said Chizuru. It was hard to believe that she had such friends. 

"Um," said Yamazaki. "Speaking of overhearing conversations...I couldn't help but overhear you talking."

"Yes?"

"Well. I was hoping you could tell me...Marriage is very important in demon society, isn't it?"

Was Yamazaki curious about Sen and Chizuru as well? Why did _he_ care? He'd never seemed like much of a gossip. Maybe he was just being an interested friend.

"Well..." said Chizuru. "It's very important to female demons. Because there's so many more of, um, us, most male demons don't get married, or marry human women. But demon women are expected to marry demon men, at least if they're a princess like Sen-chan. Or....or pure blooded, like Kaoru." She sighed.

"Hey it's ok," said Heisuke. "We'll find her."

Chizuru nodded. 

"I'm sorry," said Yamazaki. "I realise it's a painful subject for you. I shouldn't have brought it up."

"No, that's ok," said Chizuru. "I'm worried but...I can't just stop talking about everything that makes me think about Kaoru. Because everything does." She shook her head to clear her thoughts. "And I realise demons are pretty weird to humans, it makes sense you'd have questions."

"Thank you," said Yamazaki. "Then I was also wondering..."

"Yes?"

"Never mind." He coughed awkwardly, and Chizuru's curiosity was piqued.

"It's ok, Yamazaki-san," said Chizuru. "I really don't mind you being curious."

He looked away, and his face went a little pink. "Do you know...if Kimigiku is, uh. A pure-blooded demon?"

Heisuke let out a triumphant whoop. "Ha! I knew you liked her!"

Yamazaki's eyes went very wide. "Keep...keep your voice down!"

"I'm pretty sure she isn't following us," said Heisuke with a grin. "Though I guess with you ninjas you can never be sure."

Yamazaki let out a low groan. "This is so embarrassing." He covered his face. "I don't even know if she'd consider a human man like me." 

Chizuru felt sorry for Yamazaki, but seeing him this embarrassed was also adorable. She laughed. "Kimigiku isn't pure-blooded. Her family are commoners, too. So she can theoretically marry whoever she likes."

"Oh," said Yamazaki, with a small pleased smile. 

"But, um. She's very proud of being a demon, and committed to her duties to Princess Sen. Demons are pretty conservative about relationships outside of marriage. And yo...anyone who married her would probably have to move to her village, and live as a demon." Assuming that was even possible, generally demons who married humans had to leave their village entirely. But she decided to be optimistic, for Yamazaki's sake. 

"Oh," said Yamazaki, with a more grave expression. "What are demon villages like?"

Wow, he must be pretty serious. Chizuru tried not to let her personal prejudices colour her answer. "A lot like human villages, on the whole. And I think...I think Yase village is pretty nice. From what I've heard."

Yamazaki nodded. 

"You're a great guy," said Heisuke. "I bet she'd totally be into you. And she definitely doesn't object to human men."

"What do you mean?" asked Yamazaki.

"Oh, that's right, you weren't there when we met her!" said Heisuke. 

"You mean when she was pretending to be human?" asked Chizuru. She'd missed it as well.

"Yeah!" said Heisuke. He spread his hands and took on a classic story-telling tone. "Ok, so. Like a year ago, Sano took a bunch of us out for drinks in Shimabara, and Kimigiku was there, all done up as a oiran. She kept flirting with Hijikata-san and he was all..." Heisuke lowered his voice, and did a fair impersonation of Hijikata's gravelly tones, " _Ah yes this happens to me all the time_ , but then it turned out she was just trying to find out information on the Shinsengumi for Princess Sen." He grinned. "Later on Kimigiku and Princess Sen came to headquarters, which is how we found out who she was. Hijikata-san tried to play it off like he'd known she was pretending to be into him the whole time, but he totally had no idea." Heisuke gave a long laugh. 

Yamazaki frowned. "I fail to see the point of this story."

"Well, I mean, if she's willing to flirt with Hijikata-san and work as an oiran then she can't think humans are _totally_ disgusting." 

"People often do things in the course of their employment that they find distasteful," said Yamazaki. "Especially those employed as spies or oiran. Let alone both." He had a point. Chizuru didn't know if Kimigiku had ever actually slept with anyone for her work, or only pretended to be willing to, but either way she must have become good at pretending to like flirting with men she found unpleasant. 

"Ahh..." said Heisuke. "Help me out here, Chizuru, you know Kimigiku better than me! She doesn't have anything against humans, right?"

"No, she doesn't," said Chizuru. "And I'm quite sure she likes _you_ , Yamazaki-san." She hurriedly corrected herself, "I don't know if she, um, _like_ likes you. But I don't see why she wouldn't. You really are a wonderful man, Yamazaki-san. I'm sure you'd make her very happy."

She'd never thought of Yamazaki that way, but looking at him objectively, he was fairly handsome, in the same sort of slim, lightly muscled way Heisuke was. Heisuke was definitely more handsome, though.

"But wouldn't she want someone strong like you, Yukimura-kun?" said Yamazaki, sadly. "Compared to demons, I'm so weak. And I am an outsider to her people."

"Me? Um. I don't think Kimigiku sees me that way." What with her trying so hard to get Chizuru to marry Sen and all. But he did have a point in general. "I suppose that, all things being equal, she probably would prefer to marry a demon man. But..." She gave a weak laugh. "I've met a lot of demon men, and...strength isn't everything. Someone kind, and decent, who'll respect her and treat her well...that's more important. At least that's how...how I'd feel if I was her."

"And you can't know if you don't try!" said Heisuke.

"Mmm," said Yamazaki. "Thank you for your advice." His voice got weak. "Please don't tell her I said anything."

"We got you, buddy," said Heisuke.

After that they returned to the inn and rejoined Kimigiku. Chizuru watched her behaviour around Yamazaki for signs of interest, but she was so restrained and polite it was impossible to guess what she was really thinking.

As evening became night, Heisuke tried to take the four of them out to his favourite restaurant for dinner, but it had closed down in the years since he'd last visited Edo. He settled for taking them to his _second_ favourite restaurant, which was in a very pretty building near the bay.

"Hey, can you guys get us a table?" he said to Kimigiku and Yamazaki, as they entered the building. "I want to talk to Chizuru about something for a second. Don't wait up."

They nodded and walked ahead.

"What is it, Heisuke-kun?" asked Chizuru.

Heisuke grinned and lowered his voice to a whisper. "How about you and me just leave, and leave the two love birds to get to know each other?"

Chizuru clapped her hands with glee. "Yes!" 

"Great," said Heisuke. He stood on his tiptoes and waved towards Kimigiku and Yamazaki, who'd just sat down at a table. "Bye guys!" he shouted. "Me and Chizuru are going somewhere else. We'll see you back at the inn!"

"What," said Yamazaki. 

"Bye!" said Chizuru.

Heisuke grabbed Chizuru's hand and the two of them ran out of the restaurant, laughing. They ended up grabbing food from a little noodle stall on the street, and afterwards Heisuke took Chizuru down by the pier to watch the ships in the harbour. 

"This is nice," she said. "And I'm glad we helped Yamazaki spend time with Kimigiku. I don't know if anything will happen between them, but...I think they'd be good together."

"Yeah," said Heisuke. He sat silently for a while, looking out at the lights over the water, then gave a long sigh.

"Heisuke-kun?"

"Sorry. Just. I never really thought about all that marriage stuff before, you know? Like nobody cares if I get married, let alone who to. Hell, my dad would probably prefer I didn't, doesn't want some grandkid showing up and challenging his _real_ heirs, you know?"

"I'm sure he'd want you to be happy." 

"Yeah, yeah," said Heisuke. It was an old argument: Heisuke was the illegitimate son of a feudal lord who paid Heisuke a regular stipend. Heisuke thought of it as hush money for not causing trouble, Chizuru thought it was proof his father cared about Heisuke's well being. Or at least, that's what she argued to Heisuke, without meeting Lord Toudou there was no way either of them could really know.

"And doesn't that mean you're free to marry who you want? Or, um, not?"

"Yeah," said Heisuke. "But it's not like that for everyone, is it? Especially not demons. It sounds like Susumu and Kimigiku might be able to work things out, but there's all this shit Kaoru's dealing with, and even you...you're going to be expected to marry a girl and have kids, right?"

"Only by Kodo-san," said Chizuru. "And I don't care what he thinks." Well, that wasn't quite all there was to it. "By other demons, too, I suppose. But not Kaoru." Certainly not now. "I know I'm supposed to help build the Yukimura clan, but look at what that expectation has done to Kaoru and Kodo-san. And. I...guess...I don't really care about the Yukimura clan?" She stopped, horrified at herself, but realised it was true. "I care about Kaoru. And I'm really sad about what happened to the rest of our clan. But they're gone now, and...I'm not sure I want to make things the way they were. I like having a family, but I don't want to be the head of a demon clan, with a village cut off from the rest of the world. I'm not sure I _can_ live that way again."

"Oh," said Heisuke. "Because of all that stuff that happened when you were a kid?"

She nodded.

"Yeah, that was...messed up. I mean, I don't know the details, and Kaoru told me I shouldn't ask." He laughed gently. "She was pretty scary about it. She's very protective of you." He put his hand on Chizuru's shoulder. "But you don't have to be anything you don't want to be. I mean, I'm sure any clan or village you ran would be great. But as one son of a chief to another, there's no shame in being a nobody. We can be nobodies together."

"Thanks," she said. She smiled at him affectionately. "But you're not nobody to me."

Heisuke blushed. "You're not nobody to me either," he said, with a gentle smile. His hand on her shoulder shifted up to touch her neck, and Heisuke leaned a little closer. Was he going to kiss her? She felt suddenly anxious, but then he looked into her eyes with such a gentle and affectionate expression that she couldn't be afraid. "Chizuru," he said, softly. And then he blushed and looked away. "Um," he said. "Are you cold? I'm a little cold. It's pretty cold out here."

"I don't feel cold," she said. She felt warm from her head to her toes, and full of a feeling she could no longer pretend was anything but love. Love for Heisuke, this wonderful friend who she was increasingly sure loved her too. 

But loved her as a man. A pretty, girlish man, but a man none-the-less.

"That's good," said Heisuke. "We should probably go back though."

"Heisuke," she said, and reached for his hand. "Before we go back. There's something I have to tell you."

His eyes got very wide. "Are you married?"

"Married? How would I be..."

"Sorry, that was dumb! I know you're not married! I just...sometimes I think of the worst thing that could happen, you know?"

"Yes," said Chizuru. "I do that too. And I'm not married. I..." She tried to find the words, and failed. "This is really hard to explain. Maybe it's not...it's not anything real. Or important."

Heisuke squeezed her hand. "If it matters to you, then it's important."

She nodded, grateful that he was willing to listen. "Do you remember when we met, while you were still with The Guardians of the Imperial Tomb? And I, um...dressed up undercover with the Watch?"

"Yeah," he said. "That was...that was about the only good thing that happened to me while I was with them."

Chizuru smiled. "It's one of my fondest memories," she said. "Especially how...how we pretended we were an ordinary boy and girl, meeting for the first time."

"Yeah that was kind of fun," said Heisuke. "A bit scary, though, I was worried the other guys from The Guardians of the Imperial Tomb would figure things out." 

"Oh yes," said Chizuru. "That was scary. That wasn't the part I liked." She paused, unsure how to continue. 

He looked at her seriously, realising she was trying to get across something important. "You liked us pretending not to know each other?"

"Um. A little bit?"

Heisuke frowned. "Something else?" he said. She shook her head and he sighed. "Sorry. I'm being really slow aren't I? Hmm." He pondered. "The...dumplings? No. The... _oh_." He stopped and stared at her. "Ohhh. You liked the part about being a girl."

"Yes."

"Huh." He tilted his head. "Like...the clothes part? Or the way I talked to you? Or..."

She looked at her hands. "All of it?"

"Ahhhh. I...see?"

She heard her voice shake. "Sorry, it's so weird." 

"No, it's not weird." He said. He stopped. "Well, ok, maybe it's a little weird? But not bad weird." He laughed and looked away. "I, uh, liked it too."

Oh. He _had_ said a few things implying he was usually only interested in women, and hadn't thought about men much that way. "You liked pretending I was a girl?" she asked.

"Yeah," said Heisuke, not meeting her eye.

"I'm sorry I'm not one," she said, sadly. 

"What?" said Heisuke, looking at her quickly with surprise and concern. "Whoa, no, Chizuru. You're great. I mean it was fun to pretend for a little bit, but I like that you're a guy. I couldn't be buddies like this with a girl, you know?"

"Oh," she said. She felt miserable and ridiculous. How could she be sad about him thinking of her as a woman, _and_ about him thinking of her as a man? Was it even possible for her to be satisfied? 

Heisuke's face fell. "That's bad?"

"No," she said, trying not to cry. She was the _worst_. He deserved better than this mess.

"Sorry," said Heisuke. "I'm...confused?" 

"Never mind," said Chizuru. "I'm sorry."

"Chizuru..." Heisuke sounded so small and sad it broke her heart. "I messed it up didn't I? I'm so sorry."

"No," said Chizuru. "You haven't done anything wrong. You've only ever been kind to me. Kinder than I deserve." She sniffed. "It's my fault for wanting impossible things. Can we just forget we had this conversation?"

"If that's what you want?" said Heisuke. "But if you ever want to..."

"Please, Heisuke..." she said. She was barely holding it together, if they didn't change the subject soon she was going to collapse into a ball and wail and he didn't deserve that.

"Ok," said Heisuke. "Do you want to go back?"

She nodded. 

They were both quiet on the way back to the inn. Yamazaki and Kimigiku were already asleep, so Chizuru changed in the dark and tried not to make too much noise. And then she closed her eyes and willed herself to sleep.

* * *

Kaoru went through his exercises, imagining his sword piercing Kodo's heart with each swing. Thankfully Kodo had always approved of Kaoru knowing how to fight, especially now that they shared a home with hungry Furies who might at any moment decide Kaoru was too convenient a snack to resist. Not they seemed to notice Kaoru most of the time, Kodo's serum had their minds so destroyed they barely seemed sentient, just standing at attention in near silence until commanded to move.

Kaoru wondered exactly what commands Kodo had in store for them. 

Kodo had deliberately kept Kaoru and Sanan from hearing much about the world outside their strange little household, but it wasn't hard to see the signs of war on the horizon. Choshu and Satsuma troops would march by, seeming confident of their right to the road, while other travellers muttered about wanting to get away from the South before things got violent. 

And while Kodo and his Furies settled at last in a northern Mitsu castle, the various human forces were converging on Kyoto. How did Kondou feel, knowing his troops faced advanced weapons they had no counter to? How was Hijikata planning for the upcoming battle without Sanan at his side? Could Okita even still hold a sword? Kaoru even found himself worrying slightly for Harada and Heisuke and all the others, it would feel pretty empty if he escaped from this mess only to return and find the Shinsengumi dead in his absence.

And of course he worried for Chizuru. Every now and then he'd remember that he didn't even know for sure if Sanan had killed her, then he would push the thought away again. Was she in Kyoto, waiting for war? Or was she still looking for Kaoru? Had any of his messages gotten through? Or was it up to him and Sanan to escape this alone?

He was shaken from these thoughts by the sound of footsteps in the courtyard. But looking back he saw it was only Sanan. It had been a while since Kaoru had seen them: having finally settled into a long-term base, Kodo had returned to his research in earnest, and Sanan had been busy assisting. And, hopefully, learning something of use in return.

"Come with me," they said, as they approached. 

"Missed me already, darling?" asked Kaoru. 

Kaoru felt Sanan's hand on his back as they leaned down and whispered into his ear. "Not for a second. Now _come with me_ , or do I have to carry you like the irritating brat you are?"

Kaoru laughed and followed Sanan back to their room.

Even when they were alone Sanan kept their voice low. They must have something _very juicy_ to share. 

"Kodo has developed a special version of the Water of Life," said Sanan. "One he intends to use on himself."

"On himself?" said Kaoru in surprise. "He is sure he will keep his mind?" 

"Yes." Sanan gave a wry smile. "I have apparently been quite an inspiration. He drew significantly on my research."

That made sense: Sanan's main priority had always been to make the serum safe, while Kodo had always seemed much more concerned with making it powerful. Which was all well and good when he was creating obedient slaves, but less helpful when it was his own mind on the line. And it made sense he'd want to gain some of that power for himself: For all that Kodo went on about being a demon his blood was mostly human, and he could barely surpass Kaoru in terms of strength. 

"Do you think it will work?"

"Yes," said Sanan. "He will be harder to kill now."

Great. Just what they needed. Kaoru had been looking forward to being able to defeat Kodo in hand to hand combat. That seemed unlikely to happen now. He tried not to lose hope. "But not impossible."

"Oh no," said Sanan. "He will die all the same."

Kaoru grinned. "You say the sweetest things, darling."

Sanan just rolled their eyes. They'd come to terms with Kaoru's flirting, and Kaoru had come to terms with them ignoring it. He still liked to think he was wearing Sanan down. 

"Kodo's confident the Water of Life will work on demons?" asked Kaoru. "I always wondered."

"I think it was always designed with demons in mind," said Sanan. "Your bodies are more resilient, and should not suffer the...limiting factors faced by those of us who used to be human." Sanan had yet to learn of anything that would save him from his life being eroded by every use of his Fury abilities. It was another thing Kaoru tried not to think about. "I suspect the bloodlust will be less, as well, as less energy will be required to sustain the transformation."

"You're making me want to take it," said Kaoru, only half joking. If Kaoru stayed at his current level of strength what help could he be against Kodo and his Furies?

And then Sanan nodded and reached into his kimono. "I would not recommend it at present." He took out a small vial of a familiar red liquid. "But there may be a time when it becomes necessary. I will trust your discretion."

Kaoru reached for the vial and held it up to the light. It looked like some strange jewel, the fluid within glittering and swirling. His heart beat faster just looking at it. "Such a little bottle, to contain such power."

"The power is within you already," said Sanan. "It would simply allow you to access it more easily."

Kaoru liked the sound of that. "Thank you," he said. He put the vial in his kimono, feeling excited and nervous to know it was there. "What's it like, to be a Fury?" he asked. "Do you still think you made the right decision?"

"Yes," said Sanan. "Despite everything I have done...I have no regrets. Perhaps I should, but I am who I am." They held up their left hand, and spread out their fingers, looking at the limb whose injury had inspired them to drink the elixir in the first place. "Even before I lost the use of my arm...I had considered it. I am a samurai, and to be a samurai requires strength. The Shinsengumi's enemies are numerous, and powerful. if I am to defeat them, I must be as strong as possible." His smile turned sad. "If I must die to achieve that...so be it. And there has always been blood on my hands, nothing about that has changed."

A fatalistic philosophy, but one Kaoru could respect.

"As for what it's like..." continued Sanan. "Most of the time, I feel exactly the same. Or perhaps I should say, I _feel_ as if I feel the same. I suspect I have become more bloodthirsty, even when I am not overcome by a desire for blood. But my will is strong. And thanks to your help, I have been able to resist the pull of madness. The pain can be intense at times but..." They stopped, and then they started to laugh weakly.

"Sanan?"

"Speak...of the devil..." they said. They gasped, and bent over, and their hair went white. And then they made a heart-wrenching cry of pain, their hands spasming.

Kaoru started to undo his sleeve. "I told you you should have drunk from me already. And you've admitted yourself that only demon blood can truly overcome the Water of Life." 

"I hate to...to burden you with this," said Sanan. "You are already surrounded by monsters. You should not have to feed one as well."

"Better me than someone else," said Kaoru. _Let me do this for you_. He cut his arm. Sanan had been right: it did hurt a lot less than his hand. "Hurry up and drink, before it heals."

Sanan stared at him, and at the blood, and then reached for Kaoru, too overcome by pain and hunger to resist any further. They were gentler than they had been the first time, but it still hurt, the sting of the cut and the strange feeling of blood leaving his body. But there was an intimacy to it too, Sanan standing so close, their hands on Kaoru's skin, their mouth on and _in_ Kaoru's body. At first they seemed fevered, almost mindless, but eventually, their breathing became less laboured, and they became calm.

"Thank you," they said, as their hair became dark and they slowly let go of Kaoru's arm. 

"It's no trouble," said Kaoru.

"No trouble," repeated Sanan, with a dry laugh. And then they put their hand to Kaoru's face, their fingers gently tracing the edge of Kaoru's jaw. Kaoru's skin tingled every place they touched. "But I trouble you greatly, don't I, Yukimura-kun?"

"Yes," said Kaoru, in a hushed tone, not wanting the spell to break. "Don't ever stop."

"Sometimes I wonder what would have become of me if you had not given me your blood," said Sanan, their expression cool and thoughtful. "If it is you who has let me retain what is left of my humanity, of my principles."

"If it wasn't for you I'd be dead, or worse," said Kaoru. He put his hand on top of Sanan's, feeling the warmth of their skin, and the rough callouses against his cheek. "I think I got an even trade." And then, because he wanted to, he turned his head and placed a single kiss in the centre of Sanan's palm. He looked up at Sanan, and for just a moment felt that connection again, that sense of all their differences falling away. Then Sanan took back their hand. 

Kaoru sighed. "Well, let me know if you ever need my blood again," he said. "You know where I'll be."

"Trapped here with me, yes," said Sanan. "I am unlikely to forget."


	12. Chapter 12

It wasn't that Heisuke seemed angry at her. He was always friendly, and polite, and kind. But things weren't the same. He didn't seek out her company, or always turn to her first when they were talking in a group. And she hadn't realised how often the two of them touched until it stopped, all the little pats on the shoulder and friendly hand squeezes and ruffling of hair.

And sometimes when she looked at him, when he thought he was alone, he looked so sad it broke her heart.

Chizuru knew it was her responsibility to fix things. She and Heisuke had been good friends for many years, and she had no reason to think he wanted that to change. She told herself that he was just self conscious after their last conversation, and waiting for her to let him know she was comfortable talking to him again. But it was so hard to ignore the voice inside her that said he hated her, that he was disgusted by her very existence, that if she reached out to him he would just push her further away. 

So she was friendly, and polite, and kind. But she didn't reach out. And things between them stayed strained.

It didn't help that they were so busy. Yamazaki had procured them some rifles, and was in the process of finding silver bullets to fill them with. And in the meantime, they trained.

Kimigiku took to guns the quickest. She wasn't quite as strong and fast as Chizuru, but she was still stronger than most humans, and had a lot more experience with weapons that required aiming from a distance. Yamazaki was, unsurprisingly, nearly as good. They trained on paper targets in an empty lot at the edge of the city, and the two ninjas sometimes took a break by throwing knives at the targets instead, the centre of each target quickly becoming a mess of holes. 

Chizuru and Heisuke had more trouble. Heisuke had better aim, but neither of them had the right sort of skills, and overcoming years of instincts honed in sword training was a challenge for them both. But guns were not subtle weapons, and even after a day they'd gotten good enough that Chizuru felt confident that they could fight even a Fury credibly. 

But despite these successes, the mood amongst them was subdued. Usually it was Heisuke and Chizuru who provided the energy and conversation, and with the two of them so awkward the task fell to Kimigiku and Yamazaki. But they remained mostly quiet. Chizuru couldn't tell if it they were any more quiet than normal. 

When they were done training, Heisuke went to visit Dr Matsumoto to see if there was any new mail from the Shinsengumi. Kimigiku offered to go with him, saying she'd also told Sen to send any correspondence there.

For a while Yamazaki and Chizuru just sat quietly alone in the room, Yamazaki cleaning his weapons and Chizuru idly playing with a piece of paper target that had stuck to her kimono during training.

"Did you, um, enjoy your dinner last night?" she asked.

"The food was very good," he said. 

"I see," said Chizuru. "Um. But what happened with you and Kimigiku? Did you talk?"

"We discussed our intentions for the future," said Yamazaki, in a flat tone. "And she said she has no plans to ever become married. Her first priority is Princess Sen, and she has no time for a family." 

"Oh," said Chizuru. "I'm sorry."

He shook his head. "I am happy simply to have met her. We are still comrades, and it is my hope that we will remain friends when this mission is done. That is enough for me."

Poor Yamazaki-san. "I'm glad you are still friends," she said. 

"What of you and Toudou-san?" asked Yamazaki. Chizuru blushed, but of course he'd noticed. She and Heisuke were no good at hiding their feelings, especially not from someone as observant as Yamazaki. 

"We're friends, too," she said. 

"Yukimura-kun..." said Yamazaki, with a concerned frown. She turned away, embarrassed. She couldn't explain herself to Heisuke, who understood her better than anyone except Kaoru. How could she explain things to Yamazaki?

He sighed. "This morning Toudou-san asked me a number of questions about your time in the Watch. I had trouble grasping the context, but he was clearly upset, and worried about you."

"Oh," said Chizuru. 

"I answered his questions as well as I could," he said. "But...whatever's troubling him, I think you're the only one who can set his mind at ease."

She sighed. He was right, but she was also worried that trying to fix things would only make them worse. 

"And pardon my saying so," continued Yamazaki, "But you seem troubled as well. It's not my place to tell you how to conduct your friendship with Toudou-san, but you offered me advice before. And my advice to you is to talk to him." 

She nodded. "I know. I need to. I'm just...afraid."

"Of Toudou-san?" said Yamazaki in surprise.

"Not of anything he would do on purpose. But..." She sighed, and shook her head. "It doesn't matter, does it? I need to be brave, and not let my fear of being hurt stop me. You, and Heisuke, and Kimigiku, you're always putting yourself in harm's way to protect others. This is what I have to do to protect Heisuke from any further pain."

"I think so, yes," said Yamazaki. "But I'm sorry. This sort of pain hurts as much as any other. And I cannot claim to have always been brave in the face of such fear myself."

"Thank you, Yamazaki-san," said Chizuru. "But I think you're very brave. And you helped me realise something important." She nodded decisively. "I'm going to talk to Heisuke-kun the moment he gets back."

Yamazaki smiled. "Spoken like a true warrior."

But of course the moment Heisuke and Kimigiku got back they were full of news from the letters they'd received, and Chizuru had to bank the fires of her bravery until a more convenient time. 

Especially when she found out they had news of Kodo.

"Looks like he's gotten sloppy," said Heisuke. "There's all sorts of stories coming out of Shirakawa Castle. Not just deaths, but men going missing, strange noises in the night..."

"You don't take a castle unless you intend to keep it," said Yamazaki.

"Exactly," said Heisuke. "I think this might be it. If we get there, he should be waiting for us." He gave Chizuru a shy smile. "Kaoru and Sanan-san too."

"Yes," she said, "Oh, this is wonderful news. Thank you."

"We should prepare to move out tomorrow," said Yamazaki.

"I'll help you pack," said Kimigiku. 

He nodded, and the two of them began to work together efficiently, showing no sign of awkwardness or difficulty. They really were still friends.

Chizuru wanted to be friends with Heisuke again. She could be now, if she hadn't selfishly asked for more than he was able to give. But it was too late for that now, and so perhaps the only way out was forward, into the truth. Maybe he still wouldn't understand, maybe he wouldn't want to be her friend, but at least the wound would be cauterised and she wouldn't be stuck in this endless in-between state.

"Thank you," said Chizuru. "I will help you both in a moment. But, um. Heisuke-kun. Can I talk to you outside for a moment?"

He looked at her with wide eyes. "Yes," he said, quietly.

They stood in the inn's little courtyard, under a sad looking leafless tree. At this time of year the garden was cold and not very pretty, but at least that meant they probably wouldn't have to share it. Yet, having gotten up the courage to ask him to talk, she found it hard to take the next step and actually say anything. Instead they stood in silence, as a cool Winter breeze made Chizuru shiver.

"I'm really happy for you about Kaoru," said Heisuke, at last.

"Thank you," she said. "I'm happy too."

He took a deep breath. "Chizuru, I..."

"Heisuke-kun," she said, interrupting him. "If I try telling you...some things, can you just listen? I don't know if I can explain it very well, but I want to try. And I feel like...like if I let myself stop, I'll lose my nerve."

He nodded silently. They stood in silence again, and part of her wanted to just give up and go back inside. But he was waiting for her, and she had to be brave.

"I think I need to start from the beginning," she said. She took a deep breath. "When I was a child, I decided I wanted to use my mother's name..."

And so she told him. About the Nagumo, and always being a failure of a girl, and her doubts and realisations since then. Her voice was haltering, and sometimes she had to stop to cry, and Heisuke just stood next to her and offered his silent support, first holding her hand and then putting his arms around her when she couldn't do anything but cry.

He kept his tongue, but made the occasional sound of surprise or anger or sympathy, and the warmth of his hands spoke of understanding and affection.

At the end she was drained of words and tears, unable to do anything but silently close her eyes and wait for her mind to settle. Bringing up all the old pain made her feel weak, and afraid, like she was a child again about to be punished for things she couldn't change. 

Eventually she realised she was speaking, after all. She heard her own voice softly repeating _I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry._

"Chizuru," said Heisuke, his voice cracked and soft. "Chizuru, you don't have to apologise. There's nothing wrong with you. You...you're perfect, and kind, and generous, and...and beautiful. I want to...to _kill_ everyone who's ever made you feel like you're not."

She felt a huge wave of relief but couldn't put it into words, and just sobbed.

"I'm sorry," said Heisuke, "Was it ok for me to say that? I just..."

She nodded. "Thank you," she whispered.

"I mean...fucking Lord Nagumo!" said Heisuke, louder this time, now that he knew it was ok to speak. "That _bastard_. How could he do that to a child? And the others in his village? And..." His voice cracked slightly. "And me. For not understanding what you were trying to tell me. I'm sorry Chizuru."

She shook her head. "You've only ever been kind to me, Heisuke-kun."

"Sort of," he said. "But I was being...kind like I would be to a guy. Not like...like I should be to a girl."

She looked up at him, her eyes wide.

"I think I get it now," he said. "I mean, I don't...fully get it? I can't really imagine feeling like you do. But I get that it's important to you that you're...that you really _are_ a girl. So. From now on I'm going to treat you like one." He gave her a hopeful smile. "If that...really is what you want?

She nodded, smiling, more happy than she could express. "Yes." She looked down at their hands, held so tightly together. "I'll understand if that means we can't be, um. Buddies any more."

"What?" said Heisuke. Then he let out a groan. "Oh man, I said that didn't I?" He sighed and rested his head on her shoulder. "No, Chizuru, I...I mean, obviously I can be buddies with a girl, because you're a girl, and we're buddies, right?"

She smiled. "I hope so."

"Oh...oh me too." He sniffed and looked away. "Sorry," he said, his voice broken. "I just...I thought maybe you didn't like me any more? And I didn't know why? And I..." His voice got soft. "I can't live without you, Chizuru." 

"Oh, Heisuke-kun, I'm so sorry," said Chizuru. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I like you...I like you so much."

"I didn't mean to hurt you either," he said. "Can we agree....to never hurt each other like that again? Even if something I do makes you mad, or upset, please don't ever stop talking to me, I couldn't bear it."

"I promise," she said. "Heisuke-kun, if something hurts me I will tell you about it, and you can tell me about all your hurts, and I will do everything I can to make you feel better. I'll never...never leave you alone again, Heisuke-kun."

"Never?" His voice sounded hopeful, and that gave Chizuru courage. 

She nodded. "Wherever you go, if it's with the Shinsengumi or even if you joined the Imperialists I will stay by your side. Because I can't live without you either."

He smiled. "I'm not going to join the Imperialists," he said. "But staying with you forever sounds pretty good."

They were leaning close together, heads nestled against each other, arms on each other's shoulders. Heisuke turned and moved closer still, until she could feel the warmth of his chest against hers, and the soft touch of his hand on her jaw. He brushed his fingers against her cheek and paused, looking into her eyes with a silent question. She gave a small, nervous nod and he leaned that little bit closer and kissed her, his lips gentle and hesitant. She gave a small happy sigh and he smiled, so beautiful she couldn't stop herself from kissing him back. Their lips moved against each other and she felt her body grow warm. Heisuke pulled her close and she had a moment of anxiety, a vision of Heisuke being disgusted by her body and pushing her away. But he just held her close and she let herself touch him and be touched in return, until he had to stop to catch his breath. 

He let out a long happy sigh and rested against her. "You're not even a little bit breathless?" he said, with a weak laugh. 

"I would be if I was human," she said, vastly enjoying the sensation of him being so close. "And I'm...I'm so happy. I love you, Heisuke."

" _Wow,_ " he said, sounding almost in awe. "I kind of knew but...it feels really good to hear you say it." He blushed and buried his face into her neck. "I love you too." He gave her a small kiss just under her ear and she shivered. "But we should probably go inside and pack, huh?"

"Mmm," she said, running her fingers over his hair. 

"I guess it can wait a little bit," said Heisuke, voice husky in her ear. 

Eventually the inn's manager came out and told them to stop being inappropriate in a public place and, shamefaced, they went back into the room. 

When they entered Yamazaki and Kimigiku looked up at them from their packing in silence, taking in their rumpled clothes, pink faces, and tousled hair.

"I take it your conversation went well," said Kimigiku, after a moment, with the hint of a smile.

"Haha, yeah," said Heisuke, with a cough. 

"Thank you for your advice, Yamazaki-kun," said Chizuru. "And I, um. Have something to tell both of you, as well." She didn't have to tell them, all that really mattered to her was that Heisuke knew. But she felt like if she didn't do it now, she'd never find the courage.

"Yes?" said Yamazaki.

"Would it be..." Her voice trailed off and she felt Heisuke take her hand in his. It gave her the strength she needed to continue. "Would it be possible for you both to treat me like a woman? From now on?"

"A woman?" said Yamazaki. "Do you want us to acquire you a kimono?"

"Oh, um, no," she said. "It wouldn't really be practical. But thank you, Yamazaki-san."

Yamazaki looked at her seriously, but with no malice or annoyance. She tried not to quail under his cool gaze. "I am not inclined to treat female comrades all that differently to male ones," he said. "Unless you simply mean the words I use?"

"Yes," said Chizuru. "If that's the only difference then...yes."

He nodded. "Very well. And I understand now," he said. "What Toudou-san was trying to ask me about before." He smiled. "If this is important to you, Yukimura-kun, then I would have no objection. It is only a little change, after all."

Yamazaki had seen how happy Chizuru was every time she got to dress up for the Watch. Perhaps it wasn't a surprise then that he understood her so quickly.

She turned to Kimigiku, who hadn't said much. Seeing Chizuru's gaze upon her, she looked down. "I must admit...I do not entirely understand your request," she said. "I cannot imagine why a man would choose to be treated like a woman. But if it is what you want...then I too have no objection."

"Thank you," said Chizuru. It wasn't as much as she might have hoped for, but it was so much better than she'd feared. And perhaps if she and Kimigiku talked about it, they'd come to a better understanding. 

"That was a good idea about the kimono, Susumu," said Heisuke. "Though I'm kind of jealous you've seen her dressed up like that more than I have. Don't go getting any ideas." 

Yamazaki's eyes widened. "Toudou-san, I have every respect for Yukimura-kun, but we are comrades, nothing more."

"Yeah, I know," said Heisuke. "I'm just saying, she's...she's mine now, so back off. You, um, tell your Princess that too." He blushed bright red and Chizuru giggled. She didn't want Heisuke to really become jealous, but she could tell this was just his way of making it clear to her that he was proud to be her man.

* * *

Even back when Kaoru thought he was a girl, he'd never understood the appeal of marriage. He hadn't exactly liked living with Kodo, but it had seemed to him like most husbands were assholes, and treated their wives like shit. Who wanted to be sold off to some douchebag and forced to obey his whims for the rest of your life, which would probably be cut short giving birth to some oversized brat? 

But in all his cynicism, he'd never imagined his wedding day to be quite this much of a nightmare.

The number of Furies kept increasing, recruited from nearby villages and towns. It seemed Kodo was relying on the confusion of the coming war to mask the disappearances. And then of course there was the original inhabitants of the castle, the young able bodied men forced to become soldiers, and the rest treated as nothing more than a convenient source of blood. Kodo wasn't even trying to hide his activities from Kaoru any more, and the thin internal walls of the castle shook with cries of pain and loss and death.

And now Kodo was trying to get Kaoru to put on something _pretty_.

"I remembered you like blue," he said. "So I found you this kimono. I hope it fits."

It looked a little long, actually, which didn't make Kaoru feel any better about the situation. It was also far too nice to be the sort of thing you could buy ready-made in a store. Some woman had had this made to order. And now she didn't have it any more.

"Where did you get it?" asked Kaoru. Looking closely, he could see a few places it had been damaged and then repaired with small neat stitches, the sort you might expect from a surgeon.

"I saw it and thought of you," he said, prevaricating. Lovely. "I...want you to be happy, Kaoru. I hope Sanan-kun will treat you kindly." He smiled at Kaoru gently, and for just a moment, Kaoru could imagine it was real. That Kodo really was a caring father, who wanted what was best for his child. That this mess could end in anything but betrayal and death for one or both of them.

But only for a moment.

"Thank you so much," said Kaoru, forcing a smile. He could wear this dead woman's dress for half an hour. It would hardly be the worst thing he'd suffered through lately.

And it was almost worth it for the look of surprise on Sanan's face. Kaoru had been a little worried Sanan would be into seeing Kaoru dressed like a woman. They'd previously implied they had no preference when it came to gender, and Kaoru was more conventionally attractive as a woman than as a man. But Sanan's expression was more like what you'd expect if Kaoru had turned up in a dragon costume.

"My goodness," they said, after a moment. "You look...quite striking."

"Thank you," said Kaoru. "Father chose it for me."

"How very like him," said Sanan. "You must be sure to thank him appropriately later."

"Indeed," said Kaoru, with a smile. 

At least it was over quickly. They ate a nice meal, and drank sake, and pledged to give each other peace and prosperity and many descendants, solemnly witnessed by a quietly gleeful Kodo. Kaoru wasn't sure the marriage was legal, unless Kodo had gotten qualified to officiate weddings in his spare time, but it wasn't like it made much difference. 

With no guests and nowhere to travel, the night was still young by the time they ended up back in their bedroom. Kaoru had been planning on making some suggestive remarks about it being their wedding night, but was too busy at first tearing off the kimono and kicking it.

"Fucking Kodo," he spat.

"Would you like me to set it on fire?" asked Sanan.

Kaoru thought they might be joking but their expression certainly seemed serious. "That sounds intensely appealing," said Kaoru. "But Kodo-san would probably notice."

Sanan gave a thin smile. "That may not be a problem. I suspect we will only be able to maintain our pretence for a few days longer. It may be time to bring this charade to an end."

Kaoru felt a chill come over him. "What happened?" 

"Kodo-san asked to do a full medical examination of me," said Sanan. "I am not sure if he suspects something, or simply wishes to perform experiments upon my person, but either way he will likely notice that I am not what I claim to be. I managed to put him off until after the wedding, citing nerves, but do not think I can delay him much longer."

"So I guess we kill him then," said Kaoru. "As we planned before." It was a scary thought, but also a relief. Could they really be done with all this soon? What would happen to them both after that?

"Yes," said Sanan. "Do you still have the Water of Life I gave you?"

"Of course," said Kaoru, patting his chest. He kept it with him at all times, not knowing when it might become necessary. Part of him was looking forward to it, not just the strength but the excuse for violence, the idea of letting himself go and just _killing_ , until all his enemies were dead and gone. 

"Good," said Sanan. "I hope you will not need it, but I would rather you join me in this twilight state than be killed. And I may require your assistance during the fight."

"Then you will have it," said Kaoru. "Perhaps I should drink the elixir now."

"No," said Sanan. "Yukimura-kun...I cannot say for certain what effect it will have on you. If you were to be hurt because of my actions...I would never forgive myself."

"Ok," said Kaoru. It felt nice to know that Sanan cared about his well being. He reached out and took Sanan's hand. "Thank you for looking out for me," he said. 

Sanan ran his fingers over Kaoru's palm. "I feel I do nothing but put you into danger." 

Kaoru stepped closer, and looked up into Sanan's eyes. He interlaced their fingers. "There's nowhere I'd rather be than by your side," he said. 

"Yukimura-kun..." said Sanan.

He stepped closed still, until he could feel the warmth of Sanan's body against him. He made his voice go low and husky. "Would you deny me my wedding night?"

Sanan looked down at him coldly. "Are you attempting to manipulate me?" he said. "When we both know this is a sham?"

"Yes," said Kaoru. "Don't pretend you don't find that attractive."

Sanan looked away with a laugh. "Perhaps a little."

'Sanan-san," said Kaoru. "If I thought you genuinely didn't like me I would let you be. But I know you want this. We could die tomorrow. And...this really is my wedding night. Probably the closest thing I'll have to one, anyway."

"No," said Sanan, putting their hands on Kaoru's shoulders. "You will survive this, and you will find a man who can make you truly happy. Someone worthy of you."

"He sounds awful," said Kaoru. "And in the mean time I have you." He tilted his head. "If you'll have me."

Sanan stared at him with a cool, thoughtful expression. Kaoru's heart sped up. Could this really be it? And then they said "Are you sure you want this?" 

Kaoru laughed. "Sanan-san, you really have to ask at this point?" Underneath his amusement he felt tense with anticipation. 

"It is one thing to tease when you know I will resist you," said Sanan, their fingers playing idly at the edge of Kaoru's collar, causing intense shivers to run down his spine. "It is another to truly put yourself at my mercy."

"Wouldn't you be at _my_ mercy?" He aimed for a self confident drawl but already felt a little out of his depth. It was scary and electrifying. 

Sanan smiled, not one of their gentle smiles but something self satisfied and sharp. "No," they said, leaning down. Kaoru felt spellbound as Sanan moved their fingers along Kaoru's jaw until they had his chin held between thumb and forefinger. "So I ask again: is this really something you want?"

"Yes," said Kaoru, reaching for Sanan, touching his hands to their face. Sanan's cheeks were warm. "Yes, I..."

Sanan kissed him. Just a brush of their lips against Kaoru's, so light he could barely feel it. Kaoru tried to lean forward and felt the strength of Sanan's fingers on his chin, holding him still. Sanan kissed him again, with the slightest hint of more pressure.

"Sanan," said Kaoru, already breathless. "Stop teasing."

Sanan ran their other hand down Kaoru's back, their fingers brushing lightly against his spine. "You would speak to _me_ of teasing?" they said, their breath hot against Kaoru's lips. "Do you have any _idea_..." 

And then they pulled Kaoru close and kissed him again, passionate and forceful. Kaoru kissed him back, pulling them down towards him with his arms around their neck. Sanan's lips were thin but soft, and their tongue licked at the inside of Kaoru's mouth with a confidence and desire that made Kaoru's whole body sing. Kaoru wanted to be closer, he ran his hands down the softness of Sanan's chest and tugged at the knot of their obi until it came free. He wove his hands under the fabric of Sanan's clothes, enjoying the sense that he was burrowing past Sanan's layers of formality to the fascinating creature beneath.

Sanan buried their face into Kaoru's shoulder, kissing down his jaw and biting gently at his neck. "Oh," said Kaoru. _Do that again_.

Sanan bit him again, and sucked at the skin, and then ran their thumb over the spot. "What a pity you don't bruise," they said. 

"Sorry to disappoint, you old pervert, " said Kaoru, with a breathless laugh. "Maybe...mmmph!" Sanan bit him harder this time, and put his hand over Kaoru's mouth to stop him from talking. 

For a moment Kaoru just enjoyed the sensation. And part of him _liked_ letting Sanan taking control, liked the sense of being at their mercy, as Sanan put it. But eventually Kaoru's stubborn contrariness overcame his libido. He was _done_ being silenced. So he bit Sanan back, sinking his teeth into their finger as hard as he could. He drew blood, and a satisfying sound of pain from Sanan. The cut healed almost immediately, but Kaoru's mouth still tasted of blood, salty and metallic. It wasn't a taste he enjoyed especially but he sucked at the spot where the wound had been for the symbolism of the thing, and wondered what his blood tasted like to Sanan.

"Are you sure this is a precedent you wish to set," said Sanan, removing his hand and wiping Kaoru's spit onto his shoulder.

"You bit me first," said Kaoru. 

"I suppose I did," said Sanan. They ran their fingers down Kaoru's throat. "Something about your neck is just very...delectable."

"Is it?" asked Kaoru, tilting his head to the side so that more of his neck was visible. 

Sanan laughed and pulled him close and kissed a line down his neck. "I'm glad I had this last opportunity to taste it," they said, softly, words muffled. 

"Do you think our odds of survival are that bad?" said Kaoru, thrown a little from the moment. "Because otherwise I am a long way from being done with you."

"No," said Sanan, stopping. Their voice became dry, and cold. "But I hope you are not expecting me to keep myself available to you when we are free. No matter how convenient you might find it. I do not like to share."

"Share?" The sudden change in Sanan's tone was jarring, and Kaoru felt like he'd been thrown into free-fall. "With who? What are you talking about?"

Sanan stepped back slightly. "You don't have to indulge my vanity by pretending I would be your first or only choice. I know what this is."

"Sanan-san..." said Kaoru, confused and unsettled. Not his first or only choice? Did Sanan think Kaoru was only interested because he had no other options? Was their self hatred so deep? Or was the problem with Kaoru, and how he expressed himself? "Do you...do you think this means nothing to me?"

"Don't," said Sanan. Kaoru had thought this was something positive they could share, a way to be closer. But Sanan sounded _miserable_. 

"Does it....what does it mean to _you_?"

"It means I am weak," said Sanan. "A fool who gives in too easily."

_Gives in_ , like Kaoru was....was some creepy guy pushing himself on an innocent maiden. _Was_ he that kind of guy? Not that Sanan was innocent, or a maiden, but... 

Here was Sanan, forced into another miserable marriage when they'd _changed their gender_ to get away from the last one, and all Kaoru could think of was trying to get them into bed.

Kaoru had been so used to thinking of Sanan as older and stronger and more self confident it hadn't occurred to him that he had any power over them. That he could hurt them. But it looked like he had.

"I'm sorry," said Kaoru. "I didn't think...I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Now you flatter yourself," said Sanan coldly, seemingly insulted by the idea that they might have feelings for Kaoru. Which...hurt more than Kaoru would have expected. Did he _want_ Sanan to have feelings for him? Why? Everything felt complex and intense when before it had seemed so simple. 

"I don't mean...you don't have to...to have feelings for me to not want to feel used." Kaoru never worried too much about being a good person in general, but he'd had too many bad experiences with creepy men to want to be one himself. And he really didn't want to hurt Sanan. Sanan was _important_ , in ways Kaoru didn't know how to define. He let out a pained groan. "I'm sorry. This is the opposite of what I wanted."

"What is it you want from me, then?"

"I don't know," said Kaoru, feeling like an idiot. "That is...asides from the obvious. But not just that." He looked at his feet. He'd never been good at interrogating his own feelings, but his usual approach of following his gut had clearly failed. What did he really want from Sanan? What was it that drove him to be around them, to keep pushing even when Sanan was cruel or indifferent? "Perhaps...perhaps to be closer."

"Closer?" said Sanan in surprise. "To me?" Why did they find that so hard to imagine? "Are you so lonely, Yukimura-kun?" Their voice was gentle, and sad.

"Yes," said Kaoru. Because he was. But not just in general, not for _any_ connection. He wanted Sanan, and Sanan alone. "I...I long for you, even when you're with me."

Sanan stepped towards Kaoru and put a hand on his shoulder. "Yukimura-kun," they said, softly. "Every time I think I have grasped your nature, you unbalance me." 

"You don't know what you want from me either?" asked Kaoru. If Sanan was feeling the same confusing turmoil as Kaoru, they hid it well.

"Oh, I know _myself_ ," said Sanan. "But you...you are a problem I seem unable to solve. It is, I suppose, a comfort to know that you are as confusing to yourself."

Kaoru laughed weakly. "I'm glad I can offer you that comfort at least." He thought about what Sanan might need from Kaoru, and what he had to offer. "You seem to be under a misapprehension about me," he said slowly. "Whatever you are to me, you're not...you're not _convenient_."

Sanan frowned. Right, that didn't really help.

"I...I could have a thousand other choices, and I would only want you." Kaoru felt his voice go weak. "I never _have_ wanted anyone else the way I want you."

Sanan looked away, unable to meet Kaoru's eyes. And why wouldn't they? This just sounded like more creepiness.

"I'm sorry," said Kaoru. "I don't know how better to express it. But...I don't need anything from you. I know I'm just this kid you got stuck with. I don't expect you to...to be anything to me when this is all over. I just...want you to know how I...that I..." He ran out of words, and then thought of the vows they'd made to each other, and how he'd felt when he was saying them. "You're important to me, and always will be. I can't offer you descendants or prosperity. But I vowed to give you peace, and happiness. And intend to be a man of my word, as much as I am able." 

"Oh," said Sanan. They closed their eyes, and then gave a small sigh. They gently placed their hand on Kaoru's cheek, then brushed it back into his hair. "What I will be when this is all done is _dead_." Kaoru shook his head, unwilling to accept it. "Even if we survive tomorrow," said Sanan "It is only a matter of time before my fate catches up with me. You would do better to forget me."

"It's far too late for that," said Kaoru. He played with the tips of their hair, the soft locks tickling his skin. "I could more easily forget my own name."

Kaoru wanted to kiss Sanan more than anything, but he didn't want to break the fragile peace of the moment. Instead he tucked his hands into Sanan's clothes again, and pulled them closer, resting his head against their chest. Sanan put their arms around him, and rested their head in Kaoru's hair, so that he could feel the warmth of their breath.

For a long time neither of them spoke. 

"Kaoru..." said Sanan. 

Kaoru looked up at them in shock. Sanan _never_ referred to anyone by their given name. A tiny flame of hope curled in his chest, hope for something he couldn't even put a name to.

"I have never known another like you," said Sanan. "You inspire yearnings within me I thought I had long outgrown."

Afraid at first to ask what they meant, Kaoru slowly traced the muscles along Sanan's narrow frame, and the shape of their ribs and spine. He felt the gentle touch of Sanan's fingers along his shoulders, his arms, the curve of his back. Yearning was probably a good word for what Kaoru was feeling, a longing for connection and certainty. It was like his feelings for Sanan had been growing for so long, and become so much a part of him, that he hadn't been able to see them until now. 

Was this love? This affection beyond friendship, this need beyond lust, this _yearning_ , could it be something so sentimental and mundane? 

And more importantly, did Sanan feel it too? 

"Keisuke," said Kaoru, the name feeling strange and intimate. "What is it you want from me?"

"Only this," said Sanan. "To have you in my arms." They breathed a sigh into his hair. "To forget that you were forced into this, to pretend to myself that it could last. To imagine that you could feel...feel anything for me but pity and contempt."

Strong emotions warred within Kaoru's heart. Affection, anxiety, joy, regret. And when he felt too overwhelmed, he was inclined to become angry.

"Are you truly so blind?" he said. "You think I _pity_ you? All I have ever wanted is to be by your side. For you to feel the admiration and respect for me that I...that I have _always_ felt for you. If you can't see that, I..."

"I have never been good at seeing you clearly," said Sanan. "You shine too bright, and I care for you too much. But you have my respect and admiration, Yukimura-kun. You always have."

"You really care for me?" He hated how weak and needy he sounded, but he needed to be sure. 

"More than reason and self interest," said Sanan. "Shall I..." They briefly paused, then tried to act as if they weren't nervous about asking, "Shall I assume you care for me too?"

Sanan cared about him. This feeling, this _love_ he felt for Sanan was not a pointless, childish fancy for someone too far above him to even notice he was there. There was a connection between them, a shared affection and mutual need. 

"More than life," said Kaoru. He reached up and took off Sanan's glasses. Kaoru liked the distinguished air Sanan's glasses lent their face, but there was something uniquely beautiful about their face without them, like he was seeing a secret part of them that the rest of the world would never know. "Can you see me now?" he said.

"I'm beginning to," said Sanan. They leaned down and gave Kaoru a kiss on the forehead. "I do not make an oath unless I intend to do everything in my power to keep it. If you want me, then what little I have to offer is yours."

_Mine_ thought Kaoru. Sanan, in all their beautiful, brilliant complexity, was _his_. 

"So we're really married then," said Kaoru. He felt himself grin. Who knew the idea of being married could be so appealing? But if it meant Sanan being his forever...

"Yes, I suppose we are," said Sanan. They laughed. "This is not exactly how I thought it would happen, if it ever did. And yet, I find I am entirely satisfied with my husband."

Kaoru felt himself blushing at the praise, and at Sanan calling him their husband. Blushing! "I'm glad," he said, awkwardly. 

"Ah, Yukimura-kun," said Sanan with a breathy laugh that just made him blush more. They leaned down and whispered into his ear, "You should know, I find your rare moments of bashfulness quite charming."

This was somehow simultaneously reassuring, humiliating, and intensely sexy. Kaoru had to pause for a moment before replying. "Sadly the same cannot be said for your constant condescension."

"What a pity for you that you are stuck with me then," said Sanan. Was Kaoru imagining the hint of self doubt in their tone?

"I will struggle through somehow," said Kaoru, and turned his head to kiss them. Kissing Sanan was still strange and captivating, for a while all he could think of was the touch of their lips and taste of their tongue. And to know that it was an expression of mutual affection, that Sanan felt the same ache and longing as Kaoru...it was overwhelming. 

He felt a tug at his waist and then Sanan's long fingers were under his vest, on his back, pulling him closer. He realised Sanan had shrugged off the outer layer of their clothes, and that all that separated their naked body from his was two thin layers of fabric.

Anxiety warred with desire. He wanted this so much, wanted _more_ , but found himself frozen in indecision. He was overcome by an awareness of his own inexperience: What if he did things wrong, somehow? The idea of having sex had upset Sanan before, were they truly comfortable with it now? What did sex even look like for a pair like them?

"Yukimura-kun?" Sanan's voice was gentle, and curious. Kaoru realised he'd been frozen for a while.

"We should go to sleep," he said. "We have a busy night of killing my father ahead of us."

"How uncharacteristically practical of you," said Sanan. They pulled back and gave him an affectionate smile. "I would be quite happy to sleep, we do indeed have much ahead of us." They cupped his jaw in their hand, and ran their thumb over his cheek softly. "But are you perhaps a little nervous?" There was no judgement in their gaze, only acceptance and understanding. 

"Yes," said Kaoru. "I don't want to...to...hurt you. Or..." He felt his cheeks go pink. "...embarrass myself." 

"It has been my experience that a little embarrassment is inevitable," said Sanan. "If there is a level of experience that allows one to remain dignified I have yet to attain it. It's one reason I am so selective about my partners." Their confident tone turned more tentative, and they looked to the side. "But I must admit to some nervousness myself. Things have moved very quickly, my heart has not yet adjusted to the knowledge that...that I am not just making a fool of myself over you." They moved their hand to Kaoru's shoulder, and their fingers twitched self consciously. "And while I have more experience in principle, none of it is very recent. Or with you."

"Thank you," said Kaoru, knowing that Sanan hated admitting fear as much as Kaoru did. "Then I look forward to being undignified and embarrassed in your care."

"As do I," said Sanan, gently. "But perhaps not tonight."

"No," said Kaoru. "After all, we have the rest of our lives."

"Yes," said Sanan, with a bittersweet smile, aware as Kaoru was that that might not be very long. But it would be more than a night. It had to be.

"Then, to bed?" said Kaoru. He found himself looking forward to simply _sleeping_ with Sanan, without any of the awkwardness that had plagued them since they started sharing a futon.

At first they were both too cold to be comfortable bedfellows, icy fingers and toes brushing against ticklish skin and causing a few sharp remarks. But eventually they settled into a warm and comfortable arrangement, lying on their sides with Sanan nestled against Kaoru's back. Feeling Sanan against him made Kaoru's body hum with a warm thread of desire, but one he could comfortably ignore for the moment. Mostly he just felt safe, and warm, and loved.

Sanan softly kissed his shoulder. "Good night," they said.

"Good night," whispered Kaoru, and he slipped into a deep and tranquil sleep.


	13. Chapter 13

"Do you think the Shinsengumi will ever use guns?"

Heisuke looked at the weapon in his hand and made a sound of annoyance. "Probably," he said, darkly. "I used to think we could just kick all the foreigners out and not have to worry about this shit, but when even the _traditionalists_ are using rifles these days..."

Chizuru cuddled against him. They'd been training together in a wooded clearing, but it had started to snow, so they'd decided to keep warm together instead. Chizuru felt a little guilty for abandoning her duty to prepare for the upcoming fight against Kodo, but only a little. They'd been travelling without much rest for weeks, and it hadn't given many opportunities for her and Heisuke to be alone. She was still too anxious to want to do much more than kiss, but kissing was _very nice_ , and not something she wanted to do in front of Yamazaki and Kimigiku. Even just cuddling while they talked filled her with a gentle joy, and the cold weather gave her an excuse to tuck her hands into the folds of Heisuke's kimono. "Sakamoto-san used to say we needed to prepare in case the West ever invades," she said, and she felt Heisuke twitch slightly. He was still a little jealous of Sakamoto, which was silly but also endearing. She ran her hand over Heisuke's chest, enjoying the sensation of the smooth solidity of his muscles through the thin fabric of his underclothes. "But I'm not sure he was right. At least not the way he went about it."

"Yeah, we're hardly going to be much of a threat to England or whatever if we've all shot each other in a civil war," said Heisuke. He'd tucked his hands into Chizuru's kimono as well, and they offered a warming counterpoint to his cold words. "Or been eaten by Furies. Why does everyone who thinks they can fix the country make things worse?"

"I don't know," said Chizuru. "I hope we can be at peace again one day. A proper peace, one that isn't held together with corruption and oppression."

"I'd settle for peace for you and me," said Heisuke. He gently bumped their cold noses together and then tilted his head to give her a kiss. His lips were cold but his breath was warm. She kissed him back, and for a little while they forgot all talk of politics, too caught up in each other's touch to notice the cold. Then Heisuke gave a sigh and rested his head on her shoulder. "Sometimes I think we should run away together," he said, softly. "Go somewhere we can be safe until everything blows over."

Chizuru had worried that being with Heisuke would alter their friendship, that she would gain love and physical affection but lose something precious in return. But Heisuke was still Heisuke, and their friendship remained the same. They still talked, and joked, and felt like equals. There was simply _more_ : more affection, more intensity, more honesty about how they felt. Sometimes she couldn't believe that it was real, that such happiness was possible, that the secret dream of her heart had finally, somehow become true. 

"I'll go where-ever you go," she said, and meant it. "But could you really do that your friends?"

"No," he said, with a sigh. "But I worry about you getting hurt. War's dangerous, especially a civil war."

"I worry about you too, Heisuke," she said. "But I always have. And you've always come back to me. I know we'll be ok."

"I hope so," said Heisuke. She kissed his forehead and he smiled at her. 

The sat in companionable silence, the only sound the wind in the trees and water rushing through a nearby stream that had somehow stayed liquid despite the biting cold. They should return to camp soon and sleep, but for now it was nice to be alone together. 

She felt Heisuke shiver, and was about to suggest they get up when she heard voices in the distance, barely audible over the river.

"We're nearly at Shirakawa castle," said Kimigiku.

"Yes," said Yamazaki. 

Yamazaki was supposed to be on watch, and Kimigiku was supposed to be asleep. What were they doing walking about and talking? She looked at Heisuke with a questioning glance and he shrugged. 

"I hope Chizuru-san will be reunited safely with her sister," said Kimigiku. What awkwardness she'd had around Chizuru's gender seemed to have evaporated over time, but Chizuru was still glad to hear Kimigiku speak of her as a woman even when she wasn't present.

"As do I," said Yamazaki. 

Neither of them said anything for a while. 

"Yamazaki-san..." said Kimigiku slowly, at last. She paused. "I have been thinking of a conversation we had previously, about our plans for the future."

Yamazaki's voice was so soft Chizuru could barely hear it. "Yes?"

"You said you plan to stay with Shinsengumi. And I know it is not my place to question that..."

"Please," said Yamazaki, voice intense. "I would hear what you have to say."

This sounded like it might be about to become a pretty personal conversation. Chizuru felt bad for listening, but also _deeply_ curious. She looked to Heisuke, but he just smiled and raised his eyebrows as if to say _let's see what happens next_.

"I know you are a great asset to the Shinsengumi," said Kimigiku. "You are brilliant at both espionage and combat. But you are a kind, gentle man. The desolate look in your eyes when you speak of killing...I worry that it damages your soul."

"My soul?" said Yamazaki, in surprise. "I..." He paused. "I won't pretend it doesn't bother me sometimes. But what would you have me do instead?"

"Become a healer," said Kimigiku. "A doctor. You already know so much of medicine, and I think the profession would suit you well."

"A doctor?" Yamazaki laughed darkly and then muttered to himself, "You would have me become a doctor." 

"I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to insult you, or the choices you have made."

"I'm not insulted," said Yamazaki. "It is a path I have considered many times. But...demons don't need doctors, do they?"

"No," said Kimigiku. "Not the way humans do."

 _Poor Yamazaki_ , thought Chizuru. 

"I thought you might mean..." Yamazaki sighed. "It doesn't matter. Thank you for your concern, I will consider your suggestion. I am duty bound to assist the Shinsengumi in their current hour of need, and it is not clear if they would ever let me leave. But if a time ever comes when I am free...I will consider it."

"Thank you," said Kimigiku. 

They were quiet again for a while. 

"And your duty takes you back to Princess Sen," said Yamazaki. "And your village."

"Yes," she said, voice calm but determined. "I will serve the Princess until I die." 

Yamazaki's voice was gentle as he asked, "That doesn't damage your soul?"

"No," said Kimigiku. "I am not like you. You are warm-hearted and find joy in helping everyone, and pain in hurting anyone. I am cold, and find my joy in duty."

"I have never found you cold," said Yamazaki. 

"I don't feel cold when I'm with you," she said. Kimigiku's voice was still soft and calm, but there was an undertone of emotion, something intense and anything but cold. 

Yamazaki coughed. "Oh." 

The stream burbled softly and Chizuru thought she might have heard the sound of a step on muddy ground.

"Yamazaki-san," said Kimigiku. "May I call upon you when we return to Kyoto?"

"Of course," he said. "You are always welcome as a guest of the Shinsengumi."

"I'm not sure you understand me," she said. And then she whispered something, too softly for Chizuru to hear it over the sound of the stream.

"Ah?" said Yamazaki, his voice suddenly rather high. "I see? Um."

"I apologise," said Kimigiku. "I was far too forward." She gave a dry laugh. "For all my training, when I am myself...I am all awkwardness. And I am sorry I cannot offer you anything more. You are a good man, and would make any woman happy." 

"I like you as yourself," said Yamazaki, softly. "And Kimigiku, I...I would be honoured to have you call on me."

There was no more talking after that, but possibly something that might have been gasp and a rustle of fabric. Chizuru blushed. It was one thing to listen to a private conversation, and another to listen to _that_. She stood up as quietly as she could, and gestured to Heisuke that they should go. 

"Who goes there?" Kimigiku's voice was sharp.

Chizuru and Heisuke stared at each other for a second.

"Hi guys!" shouted Heisuke across the stream. "Me and Chizuru just got here? We were walking...around...somewhere else." 

By the time Heisuke and Chizuru found a route back across the stream, Kimigiku and Yamazaki were impeccably dressed and standing an entirely respectable distance apart, in a clearing some distance from the camp site. 

"I'll go start dinner," said Yamazaki, suddenly, turning to leave. 

"I'll help!" said Heisuke. As the two of them walked towards camp, Heisuke put his arm around Yamazaki's shoulder and leaned in to say something that made Yamazaki cough.

Chizuru smiled awkwardly at Kimigiku, who looked back at her calmly. They stood in silence in the clearing, and a light snow began to fall.

"You heard my conversation with Yamazaki, I take it?" said Kimigiku, at last. 

"Mmm," said Chizuru, "Sorry. But I'm happy for you both." 

"Really?" Kimigiku raised her eyebrows in surprise.

"Why wouldn't I be?" said Chizuru. "You're both wonderful people, and you seem happy together."

"Yes," said Kimigiku, with a small smile. "He makes me very happy. And I hope I can bring him a little happiness too. But..." She sighed. "I can't be for him what you are for Toudou-san. Let alone the sort of proper demon woman I am supposed to be."

"I'm hardly much of a proper demon woman myself," said Chizuru, laughing awkwardly.

"You are in all the ways that matter," said Kimigiku, with a serious sincerity that took Chizuru by surprise. "To be honest, I am a little jealous of you, sometimes. You are small and delicate, and though you are far from weak you inspire feelings of protectiveness, and are happy to be so protected. But I am sure it has been as difficult for you to define your own destiny as it has been for me to define mine." She looked down and shook her head ruefully. "Even I didn't fully respect your choice at first. Thank you for respecting mine."

For a moment Chizuru couldn't speak, too taken aback by the the knowledge that Kimigiku was jealous of _her_. "Kimigiku," she said at last, "You're one of the best demons...one of the best _people_ I know. You're principled, and brave, and kind. And um, if this isn't weird to say, really pretty too. Yamazaki is very lucky." 

"Thank you," said Kimigiku. "You are certainly one of the best people I know. Toudou-san is _very_ lucky, and if he ever mistreats you he will answer to Princess Sen and myself."

"Thanks?" said Chizuru. 

"You are quite welcome," said Kimigiku. She gave a wry smile. "Now let us be good demon woman and see if our men have made us dinner."

* * *

Kaoru woke alone.

This was not normally a cause for concern, Sanan often worked through the day as well as the night. But it wasn't what they'd planned. Had Sanan decided to act alone, out of some pointless need for self sacrifice? Had some emergency come up while Kaoru was asleep?

Kaoru worried. And...he missed Sanan. Missed the feel of their body, missed the sense of connection and affection and safety. They'd only just found each other, only just realised the depths of their mutual affection, and now Sanan might die before Kaoru even had the chance to see them again. 

Kaoru cursed under his breath and got dressed as quickly as he could. As he adjusted his kimono, his hand brushed against the vial of The Water of Life tucked into his clothes. He pulled it out and stared at it. 

Sanan had wanted him to wait. But Sanan had also said they'd wait for _him_. What if Kaoru left it too late, and Sanan died? What if _Kaoru_ died? What if his weakness ruined everything, when he had this chance to change it?

He opened the lid and sniffed the acrid liquid within. His hand trembled slightly. And then he threw back his head and swallowed. 

The taste was _foul_ , like the worst sort of medicine tainted with a disquieting aftertaste of blood. It burned as it went down and he coughed, his legs going weak as his stomach clenched in pain and nausea. His vision became blurry and for a moment he wondered if he was going to die, if Kodo had miscalculated and the elixir was toxic for demons after all.

But then the pain began to recede, and he felt like himself again. Not different, not stronger, but not dead either. 

He realised he'd never asked Sanan how they transformed into a Fury deliberately: was it a matter of will, or induced by a particular emotional state? Kaoru looked at himself in the mirror and tried to will his appearance to change, but the reflection looking back at him stayed the same as ever, dark haired and dark eyed and entirely unremarkable. 

He'd just have to trust that his body would know what to do when the time was right. 

Kaoru had barely left the bedroom when he bumped into Kodo. 

"There you are, Kaoru!" said Kodo. His voice was a little strained, and the small group of Furies following him down the hallway looked slightly pale, except for a slight darkness around the lips. Kaoru smiled to himself.

"Yes, Father?"

"Have you seen Keisuke-kun?" Kodo tried to make the question sound light, but there was an ugly undertone to it. Time to play the innocent wife who had no idea what her husband might or might not be up to. Kaoru had never played a wife before. And hopefully, after today, he'd never play one again.

"Not...not since last night," said Kaoru. "We went to sleep and then when I woke up...he was gone. I was hoping you might have seen him."

"No," said Kodo. "He made breakfast for the Furies, but he's...hidden himself away since then." 

"That was kind of him," said Kaoru, trying not to laugh. 

"Hmm," said Kodo. "Kaoru...if Keisuke-kun did anything strange, you would tell me, wouldn't you? Family shouldn't hide anything from each other, don't you agree?" It was weird to hear Kodo refer to Sanan by their given name, but in Kodo's mind they were all Yukimuras now. 

"Oh yes," said Kaoru. He sighed. "I do...sometimes think Keisuke hides things from me. It makes me sad." Kaoru didn't quite think of Sanan as _Keisuke_ yet himself, but still got a kick out of saying it. 

"What sort of things?" said Kodo.

"Oh, I'm sure it's nothing." Kaoru looked at his hands. "I should trust my husband to know what's best, and not question him."

"But I am your father," wheedled Kodo. "It is not disloyal to Keisuke-kun for you to discuss him with me. It is my duty to watch over my children and make sure they are following the path of righteousness. And he is my son now, as you are my daughter."

 _And if Chizuru was really dead, I would be head of the clan_ , thought Kaoru, _and you would owe fealty to me. But I never hear you talking about that for some reason_.

"Well, um," said Kaoru, trying to think of something minor enough that it wouldn't cause more damage Kodo's trust in Sanan than it had already, but significant enough to increase Kodo's trust in them. "This isn't the first time I've woken alone. When I've asked, he's always said he was working on his experiments. But what sort of work can he do without you?"

"A good question," said Kodo. "Thank you, my dear." He turned as if to leave.

"If you're looking for Keisuke, can I come with you?" asked Kaoru.

"Yes, I suppose so," said Kodo. He smiled to himself. "You may be useful in...encouraging him to be forthcoming."

Kaoru nodded like a good little hostage and followed Kodo into the depths of the castle.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter gets pretty dark: violence, vomiting, and a brief reference to the threat of rape.

"Hello Keisuke-kun," said Kodo with a sharp smile. They'd found Sanan sitting, reading a book, in a small storage room in an outer wing of the castle. 

"Hello, Kodo-san," said Sanan, with a polite nod. And then they smiled at Kaoru. "Good evening, beloved." 

"Good evening, dear," said Kaoru, with a matching smile.

Sanan leisurely closed the book and put it aside, and then rose to their feet. Kaoru was pretty sure they were standing forward on their toes to emphasise how much taller they were than Kodo, which was incredibly petty and deeply endearing.

"I see you fed the Furies this morning," said Kodo. 

"Did I?" said Sanan. "One so easily loses track of these things."

"Did you also lose track of what you fed them with?" asked Kodo. The corners of his mouth tilted down into an exaggerated frown. "They seem not to be feeling well. It is quite concerning."

"Hmm," said Sanan. "There was rice, a little fish...oh, and a dash of silver nitrate." They smiled sunnily. 

"Were you trying to poison my children?" said Kodo. "Keisuke-kun, how could you? I trusted you like a son!" 

His children! "You think Keisuke was trying to poison me?" said Kaoru, making his voice sound small and scared.

Kodo blinked, as if he'd forgotten Kaoru existed. "I certainly hope not, my dear," he said. "But I fear he is not to be trusted."

"Keisuke?" said Kaoru, looking up at Sanan through his eyelashes. He let his voice sink a little lower. "Can I trust you?"

"Always, dearest," said Sanan. The two of them smiled at each other with honest affection and shared anticipation. Kaoru had to stop himself from laughing with glee. 

Instead he put his hand on Kodo's sleeve, tugging at it like a child. "Father," he whined, "Please, don't hurt him. I'm sure this is all some sort of misunderstanding." There was no way Kodo would back down now, but there was no harm in trying to confuse things a little. 

"I'm sorry, Kaoru," said Kodo, his tone sad and his eyes glittering with malice. "I will choose your next husband more carefully." And then he clicked his fingers. 

Kodo's Fury escort went on the attack. The room was crowded with furniture, making it difficult for more than one Fury to take Sanan on at a time. Which of course was why Sanan had chosen it. 

The Furies pushed against each other in the narrow space, all of them wanting to be the first to get to Sanan. But as soon as one reached Sanan he fell to Sanan's sword, their strikes fast, accurate and clean. 

Kaoru pushed himself against the wall and carefully edged closer to Sanan in case they needed help. He was hidden from Kodo's view by a carved screen, not that Kodo cared about Kaoru right now. 

But it soon became clear that Sanan didn't need any help despite being so heavily outnumbered. Kodo's stronger Fury potion might make for obedient soldiers, but it didn't make for very competent ones. Soon the ground was wet with their blood and the Furies attacking Sanan had to contend with the fallen bodies of their comrades as well as all the furniture.

And then Kaoru's vision went red. There was a blinding pain in his forehead and an overwhelming thirst in his throat. The bloodied corpses on the ground no longer looked faintly disgusting, but _delicious_. And even more appealing were the living creatures in the room. Kaoru could _smell_ them, as if Kodo and Sanan and the other Furies were boiling pots of stew giving off a delicious aroma. Kodo's smell was the strongest and most enticing, Kaoru couldn't decide if that was preferable to being more drawn to eat Sanan, but it was deeply disquieting none-the-less.

So this was bloodlust. No wonder it sent so many Furies mad. His mind hadn't gone completely, he could hold himself back, but the hunger was insatiable. And when he resisted the hunger, his body punished him with pain. He put his fist into his mouth to stop himself from screaming and doubled over. He clutched at his skin, wanting to tear it off to escape the burning agony of his flesh. It took all of his concentration to keep following the conversation happening a few feet away. 

"Silver nitrate was an inventive solution," said Kodo, seemingly unbothered as his last guard fell to Sanan's sword. "But there are far more effective ways to incapacitate a Fury, ones I was careful not to inform you of." And then he reached into his kimono and took something out: the Water of Life? No, it gleamed silver, like metal instead of glass. Kaoru squinted through the carved screen between them, eyes not wanting to focus. Were those...scalpels in Kodo's hand? 

And then Kodo transformed, his eyes going a sickly golden yellow and small horns appearing on his head. So, like Kaoru he had already drunk the elixir. Why didn't _he_ have to suffer like this, then? "I suppose I should have known better than to rely on humans," said Kodo. "Your kind are all treacherous. Luckily you are no match for a true demon."

"We are both Furies," said Sanan. "And you are a doctor while I am a samurai. I would not be so confident in your superiority."

And then Kodo threw a scalpel at Sanan's leg. It barely pierced the skin, and the wound should have healed immediately. But it didn't, blood continued to flow out at a steady rate. Kodo threw another scalpel and horribly, impossibly, Sanan fell to their knees. "Poison?" they said. "Interesting. Is the effect permanent?"

"Does it matter?" said Kodo, smugly. "You'll be dead soon enough."

As Sanan's blood dripped to the ground near Kaoru the smell became overwhelming. Kaoru had never wanted to kill anyone in his life more than he wanted to kill Sanan. Not just kill them, but rip them apart and drink their blood, tear at their flesh until nothing was left but bones. 

Sanan didn't look at him. Not directly. But they flicked their eyes around the room, as if looking for threats in general, and when their eyes passed by Kaoru their lips briefly thinned. What must Kaoru look like, right now? Did Sanan see the hunger in his eyes?

"I suppose you think this means I'm beaten," said Sanan, to Kodo. "But to be a Fury is a constant struggle against pain and loss of control. And it can be endured, and overcome. By holding on to what I value, I can endure anything." 

Kaoru stared at Sanan, willing himself to feel love and protectiveness more than bloodthirsty hunger. 

He failed.

So he looked down at the ground and forced himself to back away. Towards Kodo, and away from temptation. 

Whatever Sanan's thoughts their voice remained entirely calm. "Thank you for letting me see a demon's true form," he said, eyes focused entirely on Kodo, as if he was the only thing worth looking at in the room. "If I cut off those horns, would they re-manifest the next time you transformed? Or would they be gone forever?"

Kaoru slowly dragged his feet across the floor, doing his best to keep silent. Luckily Kodo was too focussed on Sanan to notice anything else. Kaoru wondered if he even remembered that Kaoru was in the room.

"Remind me, Keisuke-kun," said Kodo. "It was your left arm you lost the use of as a human, yes?" And then he threw another scalpel.

Sanan grunted in pain and anger as the scalpel hit. And then their grip on their katana shook as their left hand fell down to their side. 

Kodo was nearer now, the scent of the demon blood beneath his skin drowning out that of the dead Furies, and of Sanan. Kaoru's demon and Fury natures agreed at last: Kodo had to die. Kaoru slowly drew his sword. He was weaker now than he would have been if he'd never taken the Water of Life. But he could do this. 

"I suppose I should be flattered that you paid so much attention to me, Kodo-san," said Sanan. "But losing the use of my arm didn't stop me from performing my duties before, and it won't stop me now."

Kodo laughed. "You arrogance is as staggering as ever. You really think you can defeat me like this?"

"No," said Sanan. "But he can."

"He?"

Sanan smiled. Though they lay half paralysed, they hadn't lost any of their dignity. "My husband."

Kaoru raised his sword and stabbed Kodo in the back. The flesh split with a very pleasing sound, and the ground in front of Kodo was splattered with blood. It smelled even better outside of Kodo's body than it had inside him.

"Hello Kodo," said Kaoru, the satisfaction almost overcoming his pain. 

Kodo gasped. "Chizuru?"

"Seriously?!" said Kaoru, as he twisted the sword in Kodo's chest. It was really easier for Kodo to imagine that honest, kindhearted Chizuru had somehow survived and pretended to be Kaoru all this time than that Kaoru could be the one to defeat him?

"Take a scalpel and cut the back of his neck," said Sanan. "It should totally paralyse him."

"You truly will never understand me, will you, Father?" said Kaoru. He plucked a scalpel from Kodo's hand and cut the back of Kodo's neck. And sure enough, Kodo fell to the ground with a wet thump, like a puppet with it's strings cut. He looked up at Kaoru with an expression of horror and shock and Kaoru felt so happy he could fly. 

Kaoru admired his sword, now free of Kodo's body and coated in a thick layer of red, inviting blood. He held it to his mouth licked the length of it. It was the most delicious thing he'd ever tasted, and within moments he felt his pain and bloodlust recede. Hooray for demon blood.

Now that Kodo and his bloodlust were taken care of, Kaoru turned his attention to Sanan. They'd shifted themselves into a sitting position on the ground, leaning forward on their good arm. 

"Do you need any help, darling?" asked Kaoru.

"That's sweet of you, dearest," said Sanan with a smile. "But I am quite happy to sit and watch for now. Carry on."

"It would be my pleasure," said Kaoru. And he looked down at Kodo and grinned. 

"Kaoru..." said Kodo, looking up at him from the ground with sad eyes, voice trembling with pain. "Surely you wouldn't kill me. Your own father."

"Try me." Kaoru spat onto Kodo's face, and then he kicked it. It seemed he'd finally acquired a Fury's strength, there was a satisfying crack and Kodo's face became a mess of blood and teeth. That felt pretty good, so he kicked Kodo in the stomach next, and then stood on Kodo's hand and felt the bones crunch beneath his feet.

"Do you hate me so much," coughed Kodo, through a mouthful of broken teeth and healing wounds.

"Why the fuck wouldn't I?" said Kaoru, sticking his sword into Kodo's gut and slowly twisting it around. "You tried to kill Chizuru. You made Sanan eat _children_. You...you were going to have me be _raped_ by _monsters_." He felt his voice tremble and took a deep breath to steady himself. Kodo was the one who should be trembling, not Kaoru. 

"Chizuru isn't dead?" Of course Kodo only cared about that part. Kaoru laughed in dark amusement at how _awful_ Kodo was, even now. 

"I'm afraid I lied about that," said Sanan, cheerfully. "Also, I'm a woman."

"What?" Kodo turned his head to stare at Sanan.

"If it makes you feel any better," said Kaoru, twisting his foot on Kodo's hand, "We're still fucking."

Kodo gave a long pained groan, and looked up at Kaoru with sorrow. "I really never did understand you, did I, Kaoru?" His eyes grew misty. "I'm sorry."

"If you're hoping for forgiveness," said Kaoru cheerfully, leaning down on Kodo's hand, "I have bad news."

"No," said Kodo. "I don't expect forgiveness." He coughed, and blood dribbled down his chin. "But...before I die, I have one request."

A request! Kaoru idly used his sword to draw lines across Kodo's forehead, watching the wounds form and heal like ripples in water. "How amusing. Go ahead then, tell me your request."

"Go back to Yukimura village," said Kodo, his voice strained with pain. "There is a spring there, I think it might alleviate the symptoms of the Water of Life."

It was the solution to Sanan's problems they'd been searching for all this time. The knowledge Kodo had deliberately kept from Sanan in order to help keep them in line. Kaoru's hands twitched on his sword. "Why are you telling me this now?"

"Because I'm your father and I love you," said Kodo, like it was obvious. Like he could erase everything else with one final act of decency. 

"Fuck you!" shouted Kaoru, kicking him again. "You choose to be be kind _now?_ Why won't you just let me hate you in peace?" He was so angry he had to stop himself from just stabbing Kodo in the heart before he could say anything more.

But then he heard footsteps in the hallway. It seemed the commotion had attracted the notice of more Furies. Time to wrap this up.

"There is another exit behind me," said Sanan. "I suggest we leave." 

If Kaoru was alone, he could have fought them. But he couldn't fight them and protect Sanan at the same time. Thankfully Kaoru had a pretty good idea at this point of how easy it was to distract a Fury with demon blood, and here was a big floppy bag of it right at his fingertips.

He picked up Kodo's limp body. With Kaoru's new strength Kodo felt like he weighed almost nothing, as if he really was a doll. "Time to feed your _children_ ," said Kaoru. "They're the ones you really care about after all."

"Kaoru!" said Kodo in horror. "You don't understand. Kill me if you must, but do not leave me to be eaten alive."

"Killing you first would spoil the fun," said Kaoru. He looked to Sanan, to see if they were as amused as Kaoru was, but they wore a disapproving frown, and shook their head at Kaoru. Oh, was this too much for them? Well, they weren't the one Kodo had hurt the most, they didn't understand. Kaoru looked away with a glare. 

"Kaoru, please," said Kodo, sobbing. It was almost like he was the child, being held in Kaoru's arms. It made Kaoru feel strange. 

"Kaoru," said Sanan. "I'm sorry. But I have seen too many people eaten alive to wish to see anyone else die that way. It is an awful death for a human, but for a demon...even Kodo doesn't deserve that."

"But he was the one responsible for those deaths!" said Kaoru. "Why not make him suffer the same?"

"Because you are not him," said Sanan, voice calm and implacable. 

"I hate you," said Kaoru, and he wasn't sure who he was saying it to. He swung his arms as if to throw Kodo towards the door, and enjoyed the look of terror on Kodo's face. Then he sighed and shifted Kodo onto one arm so that he could reach for his sword.

"Thank you," said Kodo, looking at Kaoru with wide, happy eyes wet with tears. And then Kaoru stabbed him through the heart and Kodo's eyes went blank, just another corpse. Kaoru took one last look at the body of the man who'd raised him, and then threw it towards the entrance to the room, so hard that it left a large splash of blood against the floor.

Kodo was dead. That was Kodo's corpse lying in the doorway, waiting to be eaten. Horribly, Kaoru felt his heart ache with guilt and regret. He'd killed his father. 

_He deserved it_ , thought Kaoru to himself. And when that didn't work, _I don't have time for this._

He ran to Sanan and picked them up. "I'm sorry to be such a burden," said Sanan, as Kaoru tried to find a way to balance their tall frame on his own rather smaller body. 

"Don't be stupid," said Kaoru. He ran towards the second door and into the hallway beyond. 

"I should lie down as soon as possible," said Sanan. "I worry that motion will encourage the poison to spread."

"I'll find us somewhere to hide," said Kaoru. It was good to have something else to think about. He ran down the hallway and turned so they'd at least be out of sight. Opening a door at random he found himself in a bedroom, which seemed as good a hiding place as any. He laid Sanan carefully on the floor, sitting up against the wall. 

"Is there anything I can do?" said Kaoru. "Should I suck out the poison?"

"Not unless you wish to be paralysed too," said Sanan. "You could try washing my wounds, but I am not sure there's much point." 

Looking around the room, Kaoru found an unopened jar of sake. He cut the fabric around Sanan's wounds and poured the sake onto the red and swollen looking flesh. As Sanan had predicted, it didn't seem to make much difference.

"Thank you," said Sanan, though it must have stung.

"Do you think we should stay here for now?" said Kaoru. 

He could hear faint laughter from a few rooms away, and what he was pretty sure was the sound of tearing flesh. _I killed Kodo_ , he thought. _And that's the sound of him being eaten_. Torturing and killing Kodo had seemed so appealing as a goal, and had been amazing in the moment, but now he felt drained and dirty. There was relief, too, a sense of catharsis and freedom. But his mind kept replaying images of Kodo's torture and death, the look of suffering and sadness in his eyes. Maybe Sanan had been right to suggest they do it on Kaoru's behalf. Or would that have just left him with a different sort of regret?

"For the moment, yes," said Sanan. "Hopefully I will heal. If I don't, you should leave me, and escape yourself."

"What?!" said Kaoru, entirely distracted from his dark musings. "Did you not pay attention to a single thing I said to you last night?"

Sanan looked away, their voice low. "What use am I to you like this?"

"Sanan..." said Kaoru. "Keisuke. Stop being a self sacrificing idiot. Was I useless to you when I was the weaker one? Would you have ever left me behind, if that weakness got in the way?"

"No," said Sanan. "But..." They frowned. 

"You are of great use to me," said Kaoru. _I love you_. "I need you. You..." He kneeled next to Sanan and brushed their hair out of their eyes. "You make me a better person."

"Me?" said Sanan, with a cold laugh. "Surely I encourage your worst instincts. I should never have..."

"There's almost nothing to me but worst instincts," interrupted Kaoru. "Were it not for you, I'd have happily let my own father be eaten alive. I barely held myself back from killing _you_." He watched Sanan, part of him sure they would be horrified, but they just looked back at him with clear, accepting eyes. After all, they'd tried to kill Kaoru twice. No-one understood him the way they did. "You show me how to be who I am and...if not good, then not wholly bad."

Sanan closed their eyes for a moment, and then looked up at Kaoru with a small, gentle smile. "How strange," they said. "I could say almost exactly the same thing about you." They gently touched Kaoru's face. "I remember everything you said to me last night. But I still have a little trouble believing it." 

"Then I'll have to keep telling you," said Kaoru, looking Sanan in the eyes seriously. "You're stuck with me forever. If the gods themselves try to take you from me I will storm the Heavens and take you back."

"I doubt you'd find me in any _Heaven_ ," said Sanan with a snort. "But...thank you." Then they frowned and let their head fall back against the wall with a soft thud. "Perhaps the real question is: what use would I be to myself? Being a samurai is my life, I have lost that purpose once already and would rather not go through it again."

Kaoru didn't really have a good answer to that. He was sure a paralysed Sanan could find purpose in time, but the transition would be pretty painful, and he didn't see the point worrying about it until they knew for certain.

"You weren't married to me then," said Kaoru. He shifted to straddle Sanan's lap, and ran his hand up their neck. "I'm sure I can find plenty of purposes to put you to." 

"That is an admirable attempt at distraction, dear," said Sanan, "But I shouldn't be moving right now."

"Then don't move," said Kaoru. He leaned forward and gave Sanan a gentle kiss. Sanan's good hand brushed through Kaoru's hair and along his forehead, causing strange sensations where they rubbed against his horns. 

He had horns! Kaoru been so distracted by everything else he'd forgotten. He couldn't feel anything in the horns themselves, but the skin around them was a little sore, and tingled when Sanan touched it. Touching Sanan felt amazing in general, a reminder that they were alive and here and in Kaoru's arms. Kaoru wanted to pin Sanan down and kiss them and continue everything they'd left unfinished the night before. But they needed to move less, not more.

So he sat back and tilted his head, gesturing with a hand towards his hair. 

"You haven't told me how I look," he said. Until he got access to a mirror, Sanan's description was all he had to rely on. 

"Magnificent," said Sanan, eyes full of a mixture of wonder and affection. "Truly terrifying."

Terrifying, huh? Nice. 

Kaoru felt a strange sensation: was Sanan scraping his horns with their fingernails? "You want to do experiments on me don't you," said Kaoru with a laugh.

"Very much," said Sanan with a sunny smile. 

"I'll think about it," said Kaoru. "Maybe if you let me drink your blood. You owe me at this point." Truly hurting Sanan would be unbearable, but drinking from them a little...that sounded pretty good.

"It would be my pleasure," said Sanan. "But I would suggest waiting until said blood is no longer poisoned."

"If you insist," said Kaoru. He gently rubbed his hand over the shoulder of Sanan's paralysed arm. "You know, I could get used to you like this," he said. "No more pushing me around just because you're bigger and stronger." 

"You like it when I push you around," said Sanan, with a raised eyebrow. 

"Well maybe you'll learn to like it from me," said Kaoru, running a finger along Sanan's jaw. 

"Or maybe," said Sanan, in a cool tone, "You'll finally learn some restraint." And then their lips slowly formed a smile. They shifted slightly, and then before Kaoru realised what was happening, Sanan had grabbed him with both arms and flipped him on his back. 

Kaoru looked up at Sanan with shock. They seemed _fine_. "You were pretending?" he said, angrily. "You bastard, I was worried about you!"

"My paralysis was quite real until a moment ago," said Sanan, serenely. "But now it is gone."

"And your first thought was to be a dick about it."

"Yes," said Sanan. They pinned Kaoru's wrists to the ground. "Don't pretend you don't find that attractive."

Kaoru laughed. Because of course Sanan was right, it was hot as hell. "Shouldn't we be escaping?"

"In a moment," said Sanan. "I felt it necessary to reestablish which of us is bigger and stronger." They leaned down and kissed him. Just as Kaoru started kissing back, Sanan pulled away and smirked, holding him down. _Bastard_. 

"You may be bigger but I'm stronger," said Kaoru. He pushed up against Sanan's hands and was pleased to find that he _was_ stronger. He wasn't even using his full strength, worried that he might inadvertently hurt Sanan. _See, I totally know how to use restraint_ , he thought. And for one glorious moment, Sanan was forced up off the ground with a barely repressed look of annoyance...until they transformed into Fury form and pushed Kaoru back down. 

" _Sanan_ ," said Kaoru, annoyed to discover that he still wasn't _really_ stronger. "Is it really worth _using up your life_ to prove a point? And you probably still shouldn't be moving around."

"Probably," said Sanan, with a self satisfied smile, and they tightened their hands around Kaoru's wrists.

"Get off," said Kaoru "We have to..."

And then there was an explosion of noise and blood and Sanan's eyes went blank before they collapsed on top of Kaoru, entirely limp.

* * *

Chizuru was tired.

They'd been walking almost non-stop for weeks, barely taking time to rest, all worried that any delay might be the difference between life and death: not just for Kaoru and Sanan, but for the victims of Kodo's Furies. So many had been killed already.

Chizuru's physical stamina meant she wasn't bothered too much by the mountainous terrain and rough forest paths, though even she felt a little fatigued after so many days of walking in a row. 

But the closer they came to Shirakawa Castle, the worse she slept. She'd always slept poorly, woken by nightmares and kept awake by panic attacks. But something about these forests made it worse, pulling up dark thoughts and fears that swirled around in her mind like mist. Nothing specific, just flashes of emotion and brief visions of violence, but it made it hard to think and impossible to sleep. She wasn't sure if it was worry about Kaoru or memories from her childhood, in the village whose ruins lay somewhere near. While she could push aside these thoughts during the day she was haunted by them at night, and what little sleep she got was broken and troubled by bad dreams. 

But now the castle itself was in sight, the last few rays of the sun making the white walls glimmer red against the gloom of twilight.

"Let's set up camp," said Heisuke, whose command experience meant he'd naturally gravitated towards being the leader of their group, to the extent that they had one. Technically, Yamazaki was in charge, since there hadn't been time to re-instate Heisuke properly when he returned to the Shinsengumi. But he seemed happy to let Heisuke take the lead, just as Heisuke was happy to step back when someone else had a better idea or relevant expertise. 

Part of Chizuru wanted to investigate the castle immediately, but they needed rest, and the Furies would be much easier to fight during the day. Still, now that the castle was in sight she was too keyed up to sleep. "I'll take first watch," she said.

"Are you sure?" asked Heisuke. It was hard to hide her nightmares from him now that they slept so near to each other, and she knew he worried she wasn't getting enough rest. 

"Yes," she said. "I'm not ready to sleep."

He gave her an understanding smile. "If that's what you want," he said. "But I'm next. And wake me up if you get tired, or if you need someone to talk to or...whatever, ok?"

"Ok," she said, smiling. She left the others to set up camp, and found a place to sit where she could see their camp and also keep an eye on the castle.

Shirakawa Castle was huge, looking out over forested hills and green farmland from the top of a large, narrow hill. It had thick stone walls, and a wide river wound around it's side. Rings of buildings protected a central tower, and guards stood at every gate. It would be nigh impossible for them to take by force of arms. But they didn't need to take the castle. They just needed to learn what was happening within, and rescue Kaoru and Sanan. 

Sometimes Chizuru was so focussed on concern for Kaoru that she forgot to worry for Sanan. But it must be difficult for him too. And she was glad he was there to look after Kaoru. Sanan could be cold and strange, but there was a kindness underneath his distant formality and cool pragmatism. And he'd always seemed to have a soft spot for Kaoru. 

Was it easier for them now that they weren't travelling from place to place? Or was it more stressful to be trapped in the same place under Kodo's watchful eye?

She was roused from these thoughts by movement at the castle gate. The same guard had been silently standing in position for the whole time she'd been on watch, but it seemed she was about to witness a guard change. She couldn't tell if either guard was human or Fury, they wore different uniforms to the ones she'd seen on Kodo's Furies before, but presumably he hadn't had time to commission a tailor for any new recruits. 

The old guard nodded curtly and went inside, and the new one went to stand in the same position. Chizuru wondered if this would be the only excitement she'd see all evening. 

And then the new guard doubled over, clutching his stomach. His hair went white, and she wondered if he was suffering from bloodlust, but then he vomited. He groaned and gasped for a while, then eventually straightened up and returned to his position, still looking a little shaky. 

Was this some random illness? Or something more significant?

A little while later another guard walked past, patrolling the perimeter. He was closer to Chizuru, and she could see that his face looked pale and his lips were _black_. And then he too groaned and vomited into the bushes before continuing on with his rounds. Something was definitely going on. 

She returned to camp. Everyone looked so peaceful in sleep that it hurt to wake them, but this could be important. She settled for just waking Heisuke, for now. 

"Hmm? Chizuru?" He looked very cute when he'd just woken up. _Focus, Chizuru._

"Something's wrong with the Furies. They're sick, maybe poisoned. It seems to be making them weaker, but I'm not sure it will last."

Heisuke's eyes opened wide. "Poisoned...do you think Sanan-san and Kaoru did something to them?"

"Possibly. I only saw the Furies, not what made them sick."

He nodded. "Ok, we need to look into this _now_." He gave a tired sigh so soft she could barely hear it, then got up. He must be exhausted, if Chizuru felt this bad as a demon it must be awful for him as a human. But he never complained. 

Kimigiku and Yamazaki were similarly uncomplaining about being woken. The four of them snuck towards the castle. They waited for a guard to pass near and then Yamazaki silently killed him. The guard's body looked very pale and cold as Yamazaki examined it, coolly sticking his fingers into the guard's mouth and forcing open the eyelids to examine the eyes. 

"Definitely poisoned," said Yamazaki, wiping off his hands. "Probably some sort of silver compound in their food." He gave a grim smile. "I assume we have Sanan-san to thank for this. I'm not sure how long the effect will last so we should work quickly." 

The guard at the gate fell quickly to Kimigiku's gun, and they were most of the way into the first courtyard before they encountered any direct resistance. A Fury ran towards them screaming, sword in hand, and Heisuke had to shoot him a few times before he went silent. Within moments the courtyard was filled with more Furies. Heisuke and Kimigiku went to front, returning to their swords in such close quarters. 

Yamazaki threw knives and ducked around quickly to strike at the backs of guards distracted by Kimigiku and Heisuke. Chizuru did her best to help as well, but she was too worried about shooting one of her friends to use her gun, so stuck to slashing at Furies with her sword and trying not to wonder how many of them had been forced to drink the serum against their will. She kept flinching, and every time she did it gave the Furies an opening to attack her friends. Every moment of delay might be the difference between life and death for Kaoru. Why couldn't she get over this? She forced herself to harden her heart, and felled the next Fury that approached her with a single strike. _Don't think about it_. 

There was a loud shout from further into the castle. What was happening? Were Kaoru and Sanan in danger?

"You should go ahead," said Yamazaki. "Kimigiku and I will deal with these guards."

"Thank you," said Chizuru. "Heisuke?" 

He nodded, and once Kimigiku and Yamazaki had made them a space to escape, the two of them ran for the door. 

They followed the sounds of violence to the inner rooms of the castle. Turning a corner, Chizuru nearly cried out when she saw a group of Furies scrabbling to devour a small figure. Their white hair was stained with blood as red as their hungry wild eyes, and their voices were a cacophony of laughter and animalistic growling. She was filled with dread and shakily raised her gun. Could she fight them off? Was there any chance the person beneath them was still alive? 

But then she got a better look at the body and realised the head was bald. It wasn't Kaoru. She felt like a weight had fallen off her shoulders and shook a little on her feet.

Could that be Kodo, turned on by his own creations? Or some other poor soul? 

"Come on, before they notice us," whispered Heisuke, and she nodded silently. Whoever it was, there was nothing to be done for them now.

They ducked into a nearby corridor, and Chizuru tapped on Heisuke's shoulder- one of the doors was slightly ajar, with what looked like bloody footsteps on the ground leading up to it.

They crept up quietly. Chizuru slowly opened the door, and looked inside. 

She gasped, overcome with shock and fear. And then, before she had a chance to think about it, she raised her gun and fired.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I accidentally screwed things up so that it briefly looked like there was 16 chapters, but this really is the end :)

"Oh no," said a voice. "I didn't mean to..."

"Keisuke," screamed Kaoru. He shook Keisuke, but they didn't wake up. There was a bullet wound through their side, and they bled and bled and didn't heal. 

Something in Kaoru broke. His vision went red and his mind filled with hunger and he drew his sword looking for revenge. 

A small part of Kaoru told him to stop, and he ignored it, roaring towards the one who'd killed Keisuke with unbridled rage. He swung wildly as he ran, filled with visions of violence and vengeance. He was sick of thinking, sick of worrying about what was right, sick of trying to be good. What did any of it matter? What good had it ever done him?

There was a voice shouting at him, telling him to stop, and he ignored that too. He'd deal with them later.

And then there was another loud bang and his arm went weak, and as he stumbled forward he felt his sword being pulled from his grasp, and his hand held tight. He cried out and tried to break free but the wound made him too weak. And so he screamed, a cry of anger and fear and loss.

"Kaoru," said a voice, "Kaoru, it's me. I'm so sorry." 

The howling beast within him cried that he could still break free, that he didn't need a sword when he had hands and nails and teeth. But the part of him that wasn't overcome by anger and blood recognised the voice as belonging to Chizuru, and realised it was her hands holding him still.

And though Keisuke's body was silent, their voice in Kaoru's head said _restraint _.__

Kaoru continued to struggle, but he felt himself calming down despite himself. He didn't want to hurt Chizuru, not really. But beneath his cooling anger lay only pain and despair. He sobbed. "You killed Keisuke!"

"Kaoru, I'm so sorry," said Chizuru. "I didn't mean to kill him. But he was hurting you." 

"No they weren't!" said Kaoru. Chizuru must have seen Keisuke perched over him with white hair and red eyes and assumed the worst. It made a horrible sort of sense. But that didn't make Keisuke any less dead. He heard his voice come out shaking and weak. "They...I...I love them." Kaoru's anger burned out and he felt his face become wet with tears. What was the point of anything, now? 

"You love..." said Chizuru, looking over Kaoru's shoulder at Keisuke's corpse, her voice weak. "Oh no....I..."

Did she see now, what she'd done? 

Did it matter?

She stared, eyes wide. And then she looked down to Kaoru.

"Kaoru," she said, staring seriously into his eyes. "If I let you go, do you promise to turn around and not try to kill me?"

"I'm not going to kill you," said Kaoru, though part of him wanted to, though he could feel the remains of his anger flickering deep in his heart. It would burn there forever. He loved Chizuru, and was glad she was safe. He was horrified at himself for what he'd tried to do. But he wasn't sure he could ever forgive her. "I know you...you were just trying to protect me." 

There was the sound of a weak, wet cough. "Kaoru, I strongly suggest you turn around."

That voice...

Chizuru smiled and let go of Kaoru's hands. He turned around.

* * *

Under other circumstances Chizuru might have had some reservations about seeing Kaoru throw himself into a passionate embrace with Sanan, especially since the next thing Kaoru did was cut his arm so Sanan could drink from it. But right now she was just happy to see Sanan alive and Kaoru happy. 

She'd nearly killed Sanan. The horror of thinking Kaoru was dead, that she'd killed Sanan, that Kaoru might kill her...it was all too much. She took in a shuddering breath and started to cry. Not gentle tears, but huge shaking sobs, she knew she had to stay quiet but couldn't quite restrain her whimpers of misery and relief. She felt Heisuke pull her close, and in the safety of his arms everything felt a little bit less overwhelming. 

He kissed her forehead. "It's ok," he said. "Everything's ok."

She nodded against him. "Thank you," she said, sniffling. She forced herself to take slow, careful breaths, and felt her sobs begin to subside. 

"I'm quite fine," said Sanan. "There's no need to cry on my account." She looked over and he did look surprisingly well for someone who'd been unconscious and bleeding out a few moments before. Was that because of Kaoru's blood? All the other Furies she'd seen shot with silver bullets had died, if not right away then shortly afterwards. 

"I'm so glad," she said. "I can't express how sorry I am that I shot you."

He shook his head. "I can hardly blame you, under the circumstances. And I am glad to see you have recovered from the wounds I inflicted upon you." He smiled gently. "It is good to see you too, Toudou-kun." He didn't ask if Heisuke was still with the Guardians of the Imperial Tomb: questions of political loyalty didn't matter much right now. 

"I see you've been taking care of Chizuru," said Kaoru, dryly.

Chizuru and Heisuke realised that they were still embracing and self-consciously stepped apart. 

"Yeah," said Heisuke. "It's, um, good to see you both. We were really worried!" He coughed. "And I'm, uh, sorry I shot you, Kaoru."

"Oh," said Kaoru, looking down at his arm, which had already healed. "That was you?" He laughed darkly. "I _was_ trying to kill Chizuru. I'm glad you stopped me."

"...yeah," said Heisuke, his lips thin.

"Kaoru, how are you in your demon form?" asked Chizuru. Seeing him with horns and yellow eyes was very odd, even without her recent associations of white hair with Furies instead of demons. 

Kaoru opened his mouth, paused, and then looked away. "I'll explain later," he said, with a frown, and his hair faded slowly back to black. So it wasn't just a matter of him reaching maturity early. Did it have something to do with Kodo's experiments? What had Kaoru been suffering for all these months? Her heart went out to Kaoru, so glad he was safe at last. Or at least...almost safe.

"How many allies do you have with you?" asked Sanan. "I think the four of us should be enough to take out the remaining Furies in their current weakened state, but if you have any of the rest of the Shinsengumi with you that would be beneficial."

"We're with Yamazaki-san and Kimigiku," said Chizuru. "They fought a group of Furies so we could catch up to you, but they should be along eventually." The possibility that they might have fallen in battle occurred to her for the first time. But they were both so strong, surely they'd be ok. 

And then there was a voice at the door.

"Hello?"

The voice was high and unfamiliar. Heisuke and Chizuru's eyes met and they drew their weapons. She heard Kaoru and Sanan doing the same.

"Who is it?" asked Heisuke.

"Oh, uh...I'm Sugiyama Rei," said the voice. "I was a guard here...before. I'm looking for, uh....Sanan-san?" They didn't sound very sure of themselves. "I'm...someone he knows. Sort of. I promise I'm not a threat."

Heisuke slid open the door, sword at the ready. Sugiyama turned out to be a short round man with a friendly face, wearing a plain green kimono covered from head to toe in a thick layer of blood. He'd tried wiping his face but it had clearly been covered in blood not that long ago too. Especially his mouth.

"Seriously?" said Heisuke, in a tone of outraged disbelief. "You're a freaking Fury!" He pointed his sword at Sugiyama's chest.

"I never said I wasn't!" said Sugiyama, his voice desperate with fear. "But so's Sanan-san, right? And he's...your friend? I think?"

"I like to think so," said Sanan, stepping forward. "Stand down, Toudou-kun. Sugiyama does not appear to mean us any harm. But keep an eye on him"

"Yes, sir," said Heisuke. He lowered his sword enough that Sugiyama could enter the room, but watched him warily.

" _Keisuke_ ," said Kaoru, voice sharp, "He's one of..."

"I know," said Sanan, with a calm smile. Kaoru gave him a dubious look but stayed silent. 

"Thank you," said Sugiyama, giving Sanan a big smile. "I was hoping you'd understand."

Sanan tilted his head at Sugiyama. "I don't _entirely_ understand," he said. "The last time I saw you, Sugiyama-kun, you were trying to... _oh_." Sanan smiled. "You ate from Kodo-san!"

"He _ate Kodo-san_?" said Chizuru, staring at Sugiyama in horror. This friendly little man had been one of the Furies devouring Kodo's corpse? Though part of her felt relief to know that Kodo really was dead. She hoped Kaoru wouldn't be too hurt by the loss. 

Sugiyama looked down at his feet. "Yes," he said. "We all did. And then...we sort of woke up?"

"So where are the others?" said Heisuke, suspiciously. 

"Waiting in the other room," said Sugiyama. "We thought you'd react better if we just sent one, uh, Fury to talk to you." He laughed weakly and looked down at his blood covered body. "Everyone decided I was the most non-threatening looking."

"And the others have also regained their minds?" asked Sanan. "How many are there?"

"One or two didn't...wake up so we, uh, killed them," said Sugiyama. "There's...maybe ten of us? Some of us remembered you, Sanan-san, and thought maybe you'd be able to help us escape."

Kaoru snickered. "You want _us_ to help _you_ escape?"

"Oh," said Sugiyama, sadly. "I understand if you...you don't trust us. Especially you, um. I'm sorry, I don't remember your name? You were a prisoner of Kodo's too, though, I remember that we were meant to guard you." He self consciously rubbed his head, and gave a sad sigh. "Pretty much everything for the last few weeks is a blur. But I know we... _I_ did terrible things, and you saw some of it."

This poor man. If he had been a guard here, Kodo must have forced him to drink the Water of Life against his will. And if it was possible for these Furies to regain themselves...what of the ones Chizuru had killed? Could she have saved them instead? Could they save any of the others who remained?

She vowed to do whatever she could to help this man, and all the other Furies. Kodo had been a member of her clan, it was her responsibility to fix his mistakes. 

"Yukimura Kaoru," said Kaoru, introducing himself with a brief bow. "And I don't blame you for anything you did under Kodo's command, it wasn't your fault. We'll help you. Probably." He gave a thin smile. "I just think it's kind of funny, that's all."

"Haha," said Sugiyama, weakly. "Um. Thank you?"

"Are you sure we can trust these guys?" said Heisuke. "They seemed pretty...out of control when we saw them before."

"Demon blood has a remarkable effect on Furies," said Sanan. "It appears that Kodo's blood has helped these men regain the sense that the Water of Life stole from them. So yes, I believe we can trust them. At least for now, the effect may be temporary."

"Oh no," said Sugiyama. "Temporary? I can't..." He put his hands on his face and looked like he might be about to cry. "I can't go back to that. You should kill me! Kill all of us!"

He looked so miserable it broke her heart.

"No, no," said Chizuru. "I'm sure we can fix it! If you need demon blood, I'm a demon! I can give you some!"

"You're a demon?" Sugiyama stared at Chizuru with a mixture of hope and fear. It was a little surreal to see _him_ afraid of _her_.

"That won't be necessary," said Sanan. He smiled. "Kodo left us with one last gift."

* * *

When Kaoru was a boy, he liked to play with his sister in a field of flowers. 

He couldn't remember their parents' faces, but he remembered their house, and the path from it to the field, passing by their neighbours and friends, everyone smiling and waving at the beloved heirs to the clan. And he remembered playing with Chizuru, the sense of joy and safety he'd taken for granted, and then never felt again.

He looked out at what was left of the field. The ground where the flowers had bloomed was cold and brown. And where their house had once stood there was nothing left now but ash.

"So this is where I was born..." said Chizuru. 

"Do you remember anything?" said Kaoru.

Chizuru looked at him with a sad smile. "A little," she said. "We used to play here, didn't we?" 

Kaoru nodded. "You always ran away from the bees so I tried to kill them before they could sting you."

Chizuru nodded sadly, and then suddenly pulled Kaoru into a hug. She sniffled into his shoulder. "I wish I could remember our parents," she said. "But I'm glad I got to see this place again. And I'm glad I still have you." 

Kaoru hugged her back. "I'm glad I have you too," he said. 

He didn't regret killing Kodo. He wasn't even sure if he regretted how it happened: sometimes he was haunted by memories of what he'd done, but just as often he was haunted by memories of feeling helpless and afraid. It helped Kaoru to be able to remind himself that he'd been the one in control in the end, that Kodo was gone and he was safe.

But he regretted that Kodo had forced things to get to that point, regretted that he and Chizuru were all that was left of their clan. There had been something beautiful here once, and now it was gone.

"I bet this will all be really pretty in Spring," said Heisuke. "Do you think this part would be a good place for farming? It looks pretty flat, that's important, right?"

Keisuke laughed. "I have no idea. I'm a samurai, I never learned anything as useful as farming." 

"We need Kondou-san and Hijikata-san," said Heisuke. "Though I guess they both hated farming enough to become samurai." He laughed ruefully. "We're all pretty useless, huh."

Chizuru let go of Kaoru, wiped her eyes, and turned to smile at Heisuke. "I think some of the Furies used to be farmers," she said. "And they can teach everyone else. It's the wrong time of year for farming right now anyway."

Luckily Shirakawa Castle had had plenty of supplies, so they wouldn't starve or die of exposure. But Kaoru had some doubts about the ability of a group of ex-soldiers and samurai to successfully farm land that had been abandoned for over fifteen years. He suspected they'd have to work for the nearby human towns as mercenaries and labourers. Not exactly the glorious future Kodo had imagined for this place.

"Are there any builders or architects?" said Kaoru. "I'd rather not have to live in a tent for the indefinite future."

"You should ask them yourself," said Chizuru, poking him in the shoulder. "I understand why you might feel a bit awkward around them, but the Furies are actually pretty nice once you get to know them." In the few days it had taken to travel here from Shirakawa Castle she'd gone out of her way to introduce herself to every one of the fifteen or so Furies who'd survived the battle and returned to themselves when given demon blood (mostly from Chizuru). It was deeply surreal every time he saw Chizuru cheerfully chatting with men Kaoru had spent months seeing as nothing but mindless, violent monsters. 

But she'd forgiven Kaoru, too, and still loved him even though he'd become a monster. Even though he'd tried to kill her. He wouldn't want her to be any other way. 

And as far as Kaoru could tell, the other Furies _were_ nice now, or at least no less nice than the average soldier. Like Kaoru and Keisuke, they had the occasional bout of bloodlust, and more subtle moments of blood-thirsty aggression. But for the most part they'd returned to the men they'd been before taking Kodo's elixir: physically changed, and haunted by what they'd done, but definitely people.

It was just that Kaoru didn't tend to like people very much.

"You do know most of them are from Choshu and Satsuma," said Kaoru. There had been a few abortive fights about it, Imperialist soldiers at odds with guards from Shirakawa Castle and others who supported the Shogunate. But they were all tired of violence, and Keisuke had organised a truce, at least until the hypothetical day that any of them were free to return to their old lives and old loyalties. "I accept that we're letting them live, but they're not our friends." 

"They could be," said Chizuru, doggedly. Like Keisuke, she felt strongly that they had a debt of responsibility to the Furies. Kaoru had sympathy for these fellow "children" of Kodo, but didn't feel like he owed them anything beyond that sympathy. They'd all suffered together, and now they were all free. Or closer to it. "None of you can leave until you heal properly at the spring- maybe the war will even be over by then."

 _By which point the Imperialists will plausibly be in charge of the country_ , thought Kaoru. Which...come to think of it, was actually a pretty good reason to try and make some Choshu and Satsuma friends. 

And maybe, deep down, he liked the idea of simply having more friends at all. Friends who could see the darkness within him, and not mind it.

"Fine," said Kaoru. "I'll go speak to them. I suppose we are going to be living together for a while." He gave a thin laugh. "A while longer, that is."

"Hopefully not too long," said Keisuke. They frowned, probably still feeling guilty that they'd "persuaded" Kaoru to take the Water of Life. But Kaoru had made the choice with open eyes, and was more than willing to face the consequences. In a way he was grateful to have been faced with the worst parts of himself, to know that he didn't have to be controlled by the violence within himself, and that others could see it and still consider him worth loving.

"I don't know," said Kaoru. "I like it here. It's...nostalgic." _It feels like home_. If he was honest with himself, part of him was glad that Keisuke was stuck here with the rest of them. Because otherwise Keisuke's duty would take them back to the Shinsengumi, and Kaoru wasn't willing to let them go. 

Memories of this place had haunted him for sixteen years, visions of a vanished happiness lost to fire. Every moment he spent walking the empty fields and burned out ruins helped put those ghosts to rest, replacing the unendurable memories of the past with a messy but bearable present. But it was Keisuke being here that _made_ it bearable, that made Kaoru feel safe and loveable and loved.

"Um," said Chizuru. "Some of the Furies were talking of settling here permanently. Would you be ok with that?"

Kaoru's first thought was _how dare they_. It was one thing for humans to stay here because they needed to heal, but another for them to think they could settle permanently on Yukimura land when it was humans who had killed the Yukimura Clan in the first place.

But there weren't going to be any more Yukimuras, unless Chizuru and Heisuke decided to adopt some. And knowing them, they'd probably adopt some orphaned human baby they found in a gutter.

"Why is it up to me?" said Kaoru. "It's your land as much as mine."

"You're the male heir," said Chizuru. "And...I'm going to be leaving."

Heisuke looked at her with surprise. Had Chizuru not discussed her plans with him? 

It wasn't Kaoru being male: once Chizuru had explained that she'd told her companions about her gender, Kaoru had followed suit. It had all been surprisingly easy. And since the few Furies who remembered much about Kaoru had been introduced to him as Kodo's son, there was no-one for hundreds of miles who thought of him as anything but a man. Another reason to want to stay here for a while. 

"We can stay if you like," said Heisuke. "I'm a city boy but I bet I could learn to farm if I put my mind to it. I know we said we'd leave for the Shinsengumi with Kimigiku and Susumu, but that was when we thought Sanan-san and Kaoru would be following a little later. If they're staying here permanently...I don't want to drag you away from your family."

Things had been a little awkward between Heisuke and Kaoru immediately after the fight at Shirakawa Castle. Heisuke was easy-going by nature, but he was no Chizuru. For a while he'd glowered subtly whenever Kaoru got too close to her: _If you try to hurt her again_ , his eyes had said, _It won't be your arm I aim for next time_. But this had only increased Kaoru's opinion of him, and now that a few days had passed without incident Heisuke seemed to be willing to offer Kaoru his provisional trust. Neither of them would have chosen each other as brothers, but they were doing their best for Chizuru's sake. 

"Oh Heisuke," said Chizuru, with a loving smile. Kaoru felt a flash of envy, that someone else got to be so important to her, maybe even more important than him. But he couldn't entirely resent anyone who made her so happy. "That's so kind of you." Kaoru forced himself not to read too much into it: She'd been pretty clear to him when they'd discussed it before. And sure enough, she sighed sadly. "But I...I can't. It's not just because I want to be where you are, although I do. I want to see the other Shinsengumi, if only to say goodbye. And after everything that's happened, I need some space away from..."

"Me?" said Kaoru, trying not to show quite how hurt he was. He knew she was troubled by bad dreams. Being here was a relief from bad memories for Kaoru, but a source of them for Chizuru. He understood why she had to leave, but he still hated it. 

"No, of course not," said Chizuru, eyes wide. She grabbed his hands and squeezed them. "I'm sorry to leave _you_ , Kaoru. It's just this place..." She sighed. "But Yamazaki-san wants to stay a little longer to learn more about the spring, so I won't be leaving for a while."

As far as Kaoru could tell, Yamazaki just wanted an excuse to stay here with Kimigiku as long as possible, there seemed to be something going on between those two. But if it kept Chizuru here a little longer, Kaoru wasn't going to complain.

"And you have to come back and visit," said Kaoru, firmly. 

"Of course," said Chizuru. "Maybe...maybe even to stay." She smiled shyly at Heisuke, and he nodded and gave her a big smile back. "I think it will become easier to be here with time. There is a lot of pain buried in my heart, if I can learn to face it..." She looked away and blinked her eyes. Then she turned to smile at Kaoru. "And I want to see what you build here! I'm sure you'll be a great chief of the Yukimura Clan."

"Ha," said Kaoru. The idea of himself as Chief was certainly appealing. But it appealed to a part of himself he'd learnt not to trust. There was too much in himself he didn't know how to control for him to feel comfortable being put in control of anyone else. At least not right now. He put his hand on Chizuru's shoulder. "Thank you," he said. "But the Yukimura Clan is you and me, brother and sister. Not chief and heir. And the others...I think they've had enough of being commanded by a Yukimura."

"Maybe you could have a democratic vote," said Chizuru, who had some very odd ideas sometimes.

"Maybe," said Kaoru, with a laugh. "Though I think the Furies would all vote for Keisuke." It appeared that Keisuke's plan to win the Furies' loyalty with food and kindness had worked, even if not in the manner they'd expected.

"You make that sound like a bad thing, husband," said Keisuke, smiling at Kaoru with eyes full of promise. A pleasant shiver ran down Kaoru's spine. "Do you not like the idea of being commanded by me?" They considered it impolite to overtly flirt in front of other people, but that didn't stop them walking right up to the line.

Nor did they seem to mind when Kaoru jumped right over it. "Not outside the bedroom," said Kaoru, with a tilt of his head, and Sanan laughed. 

" _Kaoru_ ," said Heisuke. "Ew!" He didn't _disapprove_ of Keisuke and Kaoru, but was still getting his head around the idea of Keisuke as anything but the distant and sexless Colonel of the Shinsengumi. It made him fun to tease. 

Chizuru giggled. "Come on, Heisuke," she said. She took his hand. "I'm cold. Let's go sit with the others by the fire."

"Ok," he said, following after her with a dopey looking expression. 

Kaoru wondered what would happen to them after they returned to the Shinsengumi, and faced the horrors of the oncoming war. Chizuru was still recovering from her guilt about the events at the Castle, how would she feel if she was forced to kill human soldiers? How would she cope with watching her friends die in battle? 

He couldn't save Chizuru from that, not without forcing her to stay. And he'd spent too long as a prisoner himself to want to take her freedom, even for her own good. But he could create a home for her to return to, a place of safety and peace and and family. And then, when she needed it, she would hopefully choose to stay.

Or maybe she'd abandon him forever, and he'd be left alone. That was the problem with giving people a choice. There was a part of him that understood why Kodo had tried to create a family by force. 

A cool breeze whipped over the empty field, and Kaoru shivered. He stepped closer to Keisuke and took their hand. 

"What are your plans, Keisuke?" he asked. "I know you have to stay for now, but...I'll understand if you want to go back to the Shinsengumi after that."

"You're here," said Keisuke, as if that answered the question. Maybe it did. They pulled Kaoru towards them and put an arm around his back. It felt comforting and warm. "And I too want to see what you...what all of us can build here." They laughed. "Did you know that Sugiyama-kun is pregnant?"

Kaoru's eyes widened. "Sugiyama's like us?" He _was_ pretty short, and fat in an androgynous sort of way. More around the belly than anywhere else but...it turned out there was a reason for that.

"No, she's a woman," said Keisuke. "She joined the guard in disguise after her husband died, since she had no family to take care of her. And what with...everything, she didn't realise she was pregnant until now. She got Yamazaki-kun to confirm it, and then the two of them asked me what the consequences would be from her being a Fury." They smiled. "I told her about my situation, I'm not sure she quite understood but she was glad to know she's not entirely surrounded by men. We will have to keep an eye on things when she tells the others." 

If Kaoru's experience was any guide, the main danger Sugiyama faced as a the only woman in a group of warriors was of being too coddled. And Sugiyama seemed like the sort who would enjoy that, especially as her pregnancy progressed. 

But a pregnant Fury. What a thought. Had Kodo known? Was this another of his experiments? Or as with Kaoru, had Kodo been so blinded by his preconceptions about men and women to see what was in front of him?

"What _are_ the consequences?" asked Kaoru. He wasn't especially fond of children, but he wouldn't like to see one suffer the worst effects of being a Fury. 

"I have no idea," said Keisuke, cheerfully. "But Yamazaki-kun said she seemed entirely healthy, and Sugiyama-kun decided she was willing to take the risk. I imagine the child will be quite something."

"...yes, I imagine so," said Kaoru. A little Fury-born child, wandering around a village of monsters. This baby was going to have a whole village of over-protective uncles. It would probably motivate them to make it a nicer place to live, if nothing else. And then he laughed. "No wonder you want to stay. Where else would you see something so fascinating?"

Keisuke smiled at Kaoru and played with the hair at the base of his neck. "Wherever you are," they said. Kaoru's heart felt light and warm. He put his arms around Keisuke and squeezed them tight, and then he leaned up and gave them a kiss. 

It would be Spring soon. And the flowers would bloom again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we are at the end! Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it :)

**Author's Note:**

> Breakdown of background pairings/possible triggers/gender stuff:
> 
> Trans characters: Kaoru is a trans man, Chizuru is a trans woman, and Sanan is non-binary.
> 
> Past/background pairings: Sakamoto -> Chizuru, Harada/Kaoru, Sanan/OMC, Kaoru/OFC, Kimigiku/Yamazaki.
> 
> On the same level as canon: Abusive caregivers, violence, gender essentialism, internalised ableism, terminal illness, implicit rape threats/anxiety, relationships with large age gaps, secondary character death.
> 
> New and exciting just for this fic: Casual transphobia/misgendering.


End file.
